Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (14) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman remembered seeing her set her PaDD down when she’d arrived at his office earlier. She didn’t have it with her when they got to their quarters, so it must still be there. He set Pipkin aside carefully, and then sat back up, carefully so he didn’t disturb Rand too much, and started to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. “My office. She left it there.” His body must not have liked being allowed to rest only to then be made to work again because sitting up made him dizzy again and his chest hurt more, he wanted to put his hand against it again but he didn’t, he didn’t want to make it look like it hurt. She needed it, he needed to get it for her. “I can get it.”

~ Roman

Pipkin was mad and thumped her back legs against the floor loud enough for everyone to hear. Which was impressive because as soon as Roman sat up it made Randy’s tricorder alarm, and Rand heard Pipkin’s protest over it. She sighed and sat up. She’d go get it. It was hers. She didn’t have to wait for the dizziness to pass. She’d been living with it long enough she knew how to get up without making herself dizzy. Randy put a hand on each of their shoulders and pushed them back down. Roman ended up reclined against the pillows, and Rand ended up being pushed half draped over him, her weight on him, hugging him. Randy laughed. “Good now stay there. Should make you both happy. Also,” he paused and waved a hand over both of them, “let’s you work out whatever all this weirdness going on with you two is. Be right back.” He grabbed the tray and left.

Rand

Roman grunted when Rand landed on him. It didn’t really hurt but with his chest aching because of his heart and still feeling short of breath, Rand’s weight felt heavy. He looked down at her. “Randy says there’s weirdness.”

~ Roman

Rand was not happy with the way Randy pushed her down, or the grunt that thrummed through her ear where it rested over Roman’s chest. She also didn’t like the sound of his heart beat. She didn’t move right away because she was trying to figure out how to get up without that initial push off of him that would be painful. In the end it was an awkward half roll and then trying to push herself up and giving up and just laying on her side next to him.

Of course Randy said there was weirdness. Of course he would notice, and of course he had to interfere. She rested her hand on his chest. She didn’t want to talk about it. And his heart didn’t sound good and the beeping of the tricorder was not as steady as it should be. Would he listen if she shushed him again? She could try. “Shhh....b b breathe.”

Rand

Her awkward half roll succeeded in not being painful. He put an arm around her as she settled next to him. Then she shushed him again. Talking was good for a lot of reasons. Clearing the weirdness was one of them. Not having to hear the unsteady, slightly irregular beeping of the tricorder was another. “Miranda… Really, what is this about?”

~ Roman

Of course he wouldn’t shush. She didn’t think he would believe she was asleep either. Not that quickly and Randy would tell on her. What was it about? What part? The weirdness? Her bad behavior? What? She sighed. She shrugged or maybe just tried to get more settled. Roman was having trouble talking and catching his breath. She was having trouble translating and then not stuttering. Besides the only weirdness was from him. Her breath was too heavy and her hands twisted in her robe. “D d d don’t kn n now. U u You avoidddded me.”

Rand

Roman gave her a confused look. “Avoided you?” He took a moment to think about that. He hadn’t been in the lab… She must have gone looking for him. And then he hadn’t come home and… Yeah, he could see how she thought that. His expression softened and he shook his head. He was back to trying to find shorter ways to phrase things. “I wasn’t avoiding you.”

~ Roman

She wasn’t sure she believed that. Roman threw himself in to his work to avoid things that bothered him. Things he didn’t want to deal with. She did it too. Maybe he didn’t know that’s what he was doing? Maybe he did but justified it by saying he was avoiding the medical stuff? But in the end he was angry and avoided her all day. “Okay…” She turned her face into him, hiding, avoiding the conversation. So she wouldn’t have to talk about it.

Rand

Roman looked down at her and then tightened his arm around her. “I wasn’t.” He insisted. “I was avoiding…” He paused, not only to breathe but also because he really, really did not want to talk about this. He didn’t even want to think about it. “Something else.”

~ Roman

Rand nodded into his shoulder. Maybe this time if she gave a non-verbal response, he would believe she accepted what he said. He would stop talking about it. How he was angry with her for doing to him the same thing he did to her. How he wouldn’t forgive her. That Randy would return with her meds and she would have to take them because he wanted her to even though she hated them. That Roman had a double standard that she couldn’t quite remember how it worked anymore.

They could stop talking about how inadequate she was and the mistakes she made. How she needed…she had to stop the train of thought before she made herself really upset. Breathe, she had to breathe and not think. Couldn’t they just stop talking about why he was avoiding her, why she ignored doc’s orders, why…? Just stop talking?

Rand

Roman had been able to avoid it all day. He’d buried himself in ‘safe’ work, he’d exercised until he couldn’t think anymore, kept going so he wouldn’t have time to stop. And then this had happened. He’d had to bring it up, for Rand, because she thought he was avoiding her.

Now all the emotion and grief he’d been hiding from hit him like a truck and once again hot tears were rolling down the sides of his face. Randy’s tricorder didn’t like it. Crying made him take shorter, shuddery breaths, that in his current state weren’t adequate, and that made his heart rate go up a little. Unsure what else to do he cried quietly, tucking his head into her.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t understand what was going on. Why was he crying? Was he that angry at her? She’d never seen Roman truly be angry or be react like this. Roman was holding - clinging onto her, hiding his face against her. She ran her fingers through the hair on his neck and hugged him tightly. She wanted to say something to make it better, but didn’t know what. She should apologize, but she wouldn’t mean it. She was sorry it hurt him so badly, but she would do it again. She would give him the hypo again. He had needed the sleep, the relief. He still did.

The tricorder was going crazy and his breathing was erratic. Where was Randy? She didn’t know what to do. Did he need his hypo? Where was it? Could she reach it? Would she really give it to him? She didn’t think she could. Why couldn’t she say anything? What would matter? Would he believe her? “Tha gaol agam ort.” She whispered, her own voice stunted and choppy.

Rand

If Roman were that angry at her, he wouldn’t be crying. He’d be giving her the same level, icy stare he gave officers, he’d be straightforward with what he was angry about and why. He clung tighter to her with her words. “I… I…” He took a longer, shaky breath, trying to get his words out. “was angry… f-for the hypo…” He had to pause again and then went on, “c-‘cause I didn’t… say yes.” Oh how was a shorter way to say this? It felt like he was giving an hour long speech with no breathing or water breaks. “But I’m not… not anymore.”

She knew he hadn’t said yes, he hadn’t said no either. Rand wasn’t playing semantics, she was weighing all the pieces. He had said he didn’t know, he couldn’t decide. She had told him if he had a nightmare she would give it to him. He hadn’t objected, in fact he had given her this hopeful look that it would help, he could avoid the nightmares, he was just afraid to admit or ask for it. Or…at least that’s what she thought the look had meant. She thought she knew him well enough to interpret. But I stead she had misunderstood, like she always did. This was why she avoided socializing of any kind. The rules and protocol were too vague and changed on her.

He took a break to cry a little more. By now he felt lightheaded and he was ignoring his chest pain. “I wasn’t… avoiding you… I was… avoiding…” His words were punctuated by sobs that hurt to cry but that he couldn’t control. He needed another longer break before he could pull himself together enough to finish his thought, he didn’t have to say it, Rand would know the importance of the date.

“Tomorrow… it’s the 19th…” The 19th of September. Four years since that event. It explained his avoidance of the lab, his need to bury himself in doing something that had driven him to put his heart at risk. Explained why he would continue to be driven to overwork himself, like he had the year before. On the day of and sometimes the days around the day of he avoided the lab as much as he could and then following those days he worked, nearly nonstop. It also explained why his nightmare last night was the worst one she’d seen. Roman continued to cry against her, trying to pull in full breaths that usually were cut short by the crying.

~ Roman

She knew. She wished she had known weeks ago it was coming, but things in her head were so scrambled, sometimes they still were. She did know now, and had for a few days. She knew it was why he was having trouble sleeping even though Roman was hiding it from her. Did he know what tonight was? Probably not, she’d never told him, so how would he know. And to tell him now maybe wouldn’t be best. His grief needed its space. “I…I....I know.” She put one hand along his jaw and made him look up at her. He was tucked and curled and it made it hard to breathe, she knew. She wiped his face with her fingertips. She kissed him, just a quick peck and then wiggled and squirmed to get up, to sit. She made him lay back against/next to her. She put one hand on his chest and the other found and started squeezing his hand. She didn’t ask him to breathe, she just sat with him, hearing the tricorder lose its mind,and wishing Randy would hurry up.

Rand

Roman looked up at her and smiled just a little bit as she wiped his face gently, Then she kissed him and he tried to curl further into her. Instead she wriggled away and he sat up a little bit to let her move. “I’m sorry… I made you think… I was angry.” The tricorder’s noisy beeping made it worse, reminded him too much of sickbay. But his chest ached, he felt lightheaded and dizzy and he still wasn’t able to breathe full breaths. Then she pulled him back so he was laying back against her, one hand in hers and the other he lifted and put over her hand on his chest. He tried to match his breathing to the rhythm she squeezed his hand with, but he still wasn’t able to.

~ Roman

Rand shook her head. He was or had been angry. “Shhh.” The tricorder’s noise was stressing her out and making it harder to think, bringing back her own memories. She hugged him tighter, resting her head on top of his. She sighed, “S…s…ssssorry.” For everything. She tried to ignore the tricorder, she would talk to him but she had a feeling understanding the Gaelic would be hard and she kept stuttering her English.

Angry, yes, a little, but not enough to want to avoid her. Not enough to want to make her so anxious she worked herself back into only speaking Gaelic. He leaned into her. “It’s okay.”

Randy arrived another couple minutes later and felt like he walked into chaos. “What?” He grabbed the tricorder and looked at it and swore and disappeared out the door and then back just as quickly with his med kit. He laid it open on the table and started going through the contents. He walked over and took another scan then turned the alarm off and the room was suddenly quieter. He laid a hand on Roman’s shoulder, “You’ve got to lay back further.” He took Rand’s hand and helped her move over a little more and add a couple pillows behind Roman. “Your heart is working too hard. You have a choice. A booster dose of your cardiac meds or a tranquillizer.”

Rand

When Randy entered Roman burrowed his face into Rand’s side, wetting her shirt with his tears. He was being embarrassed about the crying. He didn’t see Randy had grabbed a med kit, lucky because he was not going to like it. He finally looked up at Randy when he heard his footsteps coming over. It was a lot quieter with the alarm turned off. “I’m alright,” he protested but he and Rand were already adjusting around him, and he ended up leaned back. At the choice of meds he shook his head and then looked up at Rand, a silent What do I do? or maybe Help. He didn’t want meds, he didn’t want anything to do with sickbay. That was why he couldn’t say yes to the nightmare meds.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t know what to tell him. She looked at Randy who couldn’t tell her what to decide, but a small shake of his head told her, Roman had to have it or he’d end up in sickbay.. The tricorder was silenced but Randy was watching it with growing concern and his eye brows making a deep worried V on his forehead. Rand squeezed Roman’s hand hard. “D…d…don…” she moaned in frustration. “Ròmanach, na bi mar mise agus thig air ais san ospadal. Gabh an stuth-leigheis.”

Rand

Roman looked down in surprise when Rand squeezed his hand, hard enough to hurt, and then up at her. It took him a moment to focus well enough to translate the Gaelic and then his expression changed and he hugged her tight, “I can’t go back, I can’t.”

~ Roman

Rand nodded. She understood, she really did. She gave Randy a nod as she pulled the sleeve of Roman’s t-shirt up. “An uairsin tha Randy a’ dol a thoirt dhut na cungaidhean agad. (Then Randy is going to give you your meds.)” She didn’t know which one Randy would give him, she only knew Roman needed something. She squeezed his hand and tried to be calm and not appear as confused and upset as she really was.

Randy wanted to give Roman the tranquilizer. That would calm everything down, might even make him sleep. He’d be medically justified in giving it, but the cardiac booster might be enough. Then he could always give the tranquilizer if that didn’t work. Randy didn’t need to be there for Roman and Rand’s conversation to know that the anniversary of the attack on the Ardent was tomorrow or Jay’s death in a few days. These were things that, as Roman’s counselor, he was aware of. The man hadn’t been sleeping or eating well and it had put way too much strain on his heart. So tranquillizer it was. Roman could deal with it later. Better that than going back into sickbay. He pressed the hypo to Roman’s arm and then went and sat down at the table to wait. Rand wouldn’t be able to stay with him alone. He could tell she was fighting the dizziness and lightheadedness that over exertion had caused. And if she was even slightly confused he couldn’t let her be in charge of his care. He waited for the medicine to kick in and let Roman’s heart rest. He shouldn’t have been exercising like that, and Randy should have seen it, seen it was too much. He shook his head, this was a huge mess.

Rand