Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (7) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman remembered seeing her set her PaDD down when she’d arrived at his office earlier. She didn’t have it with her when they got to their quarters, so it must still be there. He set Pipkin aside carefully, and then sat back up, carefully so he didn’t disturb Rand too much, and started to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. “My office. She left it there.” His body must not have liked being allowed to rest only to then be made to work again because sitting up made him dizzy again and his chest hurt more, he wanted to put his hand against it again but he didn’t, he didn’t want to make it look like it hurt. She needed it, he needed to get it for her. “I can get it.”

~ Roman

Pipkin was mad and thumped her back legs against the floor loud enough for everyone to hear. Which was impressive because as soon as Roman sat up it made Randy’s tricorder alarm, and Rand heard Pipkin’s protest over it. She sighed and sat up. She’d go get it. It was hers. She didn’t have to wait for the dizziness to pass. She’d been living with it long enough she knew how to get up without making herself dizzy. Randy put a hand on each of their shoulders and pushed them back down. Roman ended up reclined against the pillows, and Rand ended up being pushed half draped over him, her weight on him, hugging him. Randy laughed. “Good now stay there. Should make you both happy. Also,” he paused and waved a hand over both of them, “let’s you work out whatever all this weirdness going on with you two is. Be right back.” He grabbed the tray and left.

Rand

Roman grunted when Rand landed on him. It didn’t really hurt but with his chest aching because of his heart and still feeling short of breath, Rand’s weight felt heavy. He looked down at her. “Randy says there’s weirdness.”

~ Roman

Rand was not happy with the way Randy pushed her down, or the grunt that thrummed through her ear where it rested over Roman’s chest. She also didn’t like the sound of his heart beat. She didn’t move right away because she was trying to figure out how to get up without that initial push off of him that would be painful. In the end it was an awkward half roll and then trying to push herself up and giving up and just laying on her side next to him.

Of course Randy said there was weirdness. Of course he would notice, and of course he had to interfere. She rested her hand on his chest. She didn’t want to talk about it. And his heart didn’t sound good and the beeping of the tricorder was not as steady as it should be. Would he listen if she shushed him again? She could try. “Shhh....b b breathe.”

Rand

Her awkward half roll succeeded in not being painful. He put an arm around her as she settled next to him. Then she shushed him again. Talking was good for a lot of reasons. Clearing the weirdness was one of them. Not having to hear the unsteady, slightly irregular beeping of the tricorder was another. “Miranda… Really, what is this about?”

~ Roman

Of course he wouldn’t shush. She didn’t think he would believe she was asleep either. Not that quickly and Randy would tell on her. What was it about? What part? The weirdness? Her bad behavior? What? She sighed. She shrugged or maybe just tried to get more settled. Roman was having trouble talking and catching his breath. She was having trouble translating and then not stuttering. Besides the only weirdness was from him. Her breath was too heavy and her hands twisted in her robe. “D d d don’t kn n now. U u You avoidddded me.”

Rand

Roman gave her a confused look. “Avoided you?” He took a moment to think about that. He hadn’t been in the lab… She must have gone looking for him. And then he hadn’t come home and… Yeah, he could see how she thought that. His expression softened and he shook his head. He was back to trying to find shorter ways to phrase things. “I wasn’t avoiding you.”

~ Roman

She wasn’t sure she believed that. Roman threw himself in to his work to avoid things that bothered him. Things he didn’t want to deal with. She did it too. Maybe he didn’t know that’s what he was doing? Maybe he did but justified it by saying he was avoiding the medical stuff? But in the end he was angry and avoided her all day. “Okay…” She turned her face into him, hiding, avoiding the conversation. So she wouldn’t have to talk about it.

Rand

Roman looked down at her and then tightened his arm around her. “I wasn’t.” He insisted. “I was avoiding…” He paused, not only to breathe but also because he really, really did not want to talk about this. He didn’t even want to think about it. “Something else.”

~ Roman

Rand nodded into his shoulder. Maybe this time if she gave a non-verbal response, he would believe she accepted what he said. He would stop talking about it. How he was angry with her for doing to him the same thing he did to her. How he wouldn’t forgive her. That Randy would return with her meds and she would have to take them because he wanted her to even though she hated them. That Roman had a double standard that she couldn’t quite remember how it worked anymore.

They could stop talking about how inadequate she was and the mistakes she made. How she needed…she had to stop the train of thought before she made herself really upset. Breathe, she had to breathe and not think. Couldn’t they just stop talking about why he was avoiding her, why she ignored doc’s orders, why…? Just stop talking?

Rand

Roman had been able to avoid it all day. He’d buried himself in ‘safe’ work, he’d exercised until he couldn’t think anymore, kept going so he wouldn’t have time to stop. And then this had happened. He’d had to bring it up, for Rand, because she thought he was avoiding her.

Now all the emotion and grief he’d been hiding from hit him like a truck and once again hot tears were rolling down the sides of his face. Randy’s tricorder didn’t like it. Crying made him take shorter, shuddery breaths, that in his current state weren’t adequate, and that made his heart rate go up a little. Unsure what else to do he cried quietly, tucking his head into her.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t understand what was going on. Why was he crying? Was he that angry at her? She’d never seen Roman truly be angry or be react like this. Roman was holding - clinging onto her, hiding his face against her. She ran her fingers through the hair on his neck and hugged him tightly. She wanted to say something to make it better, but didn’t know what. She should apologize, but she wouldn’t mean it. She was sorry it hurt him so badly, but she would do it again. She would give him the hypo again. He had needed the sleep, the relief. He still did.

The tricorder was going crazy and his breathing was erratic. Where was Randy? She didn’t know what to do. Did he need his hypo? Where was it? Could she reach it? Would she really give it to him? She didn’t think she could. Why couldn’t she say anything? What would matter? Would he believe her? “Tha gaol agam ort.” She whispered, her own voice stunted and choppy.

Rand

If Roman were that angry at her, he wouldn’t be crying. He’d be giving her the same level, icy stare he gave officers, he’d be straightforward with what he was angry about and why. He clung tighter to her with her words. “I… I…” He took a longer, shaky breath, trying to get his words out. “was angry… f-for the hypo…” He had to pause again and then went on, “c-‘cause I didn’t… say yes.” Oh how was a shorter way to say this? It felt like he was giving an hour long speech with no breathing or water breaks. “But I’m not… not anymore.”

He took a break to cry a little more. By now he felt lightheaded and he was ignoring his chest pain. “I wasn’t… avoiding you… I was… avoiding…” His words were punctuated by sobs that hurt to cry but that he couldn’t control. He needed another longer break before he could pull himself together enough to finish his thought, he didn’t have to say it, Rand would know the importance of the date.

“Tomorrow… it’s the 19th…” The 19th of September. Four years since that event. It explained his avoidance of the lab, his need to bury himself in doing something that had driven him to put his heart at risk. Explained why he would continue to be driven to overwork himself, like he had the year before. On the day of and sometimes the days around the day of he avoided the lab as much as he could and then following those days he worked, nearly nonstop. It also explained why his nightmare last night was the worst one she’d seen. Roman continued to cry against her, trying to pull in full breaths that usually were cut short by the crying.

~ Roman