Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Randy shrugged, “She’d probably say it was quieter than my snoring.” Randy blocked and countered, and after a handful of exchanges he noticed that Roman was pushing him further compared to earlier. It was giving him a good chance to get confident with the basics and learn to improvise. Randy absolutely knew for sure though, that if Roman was really trying the match would have been over a lot more quickly.

When it was over, Randy drank two bottles of water and headed back to his quarters for a shower and clean clothes.

Randy

Roman stayed after Randy left. He wasn’t avoiding Rand, he didn’t think, he just didn’t want to think about any of it. So he went back to work against Mr Dummy. That slight tightness in his chest had been getting worse, he assumed it was in his head. That he was imagining it because he knew he’d had the meds the night before. He practiced for another half hour, going hard again. Practicing more advanced moves Randy wasn’t ready for yet. After one of the moves, he stumbled a little. He wrote it off as being dizzy, because he wasn’t eating or drinking enough.

It got worse. He wanted to keep going but the tightness had turned into a pain, a pain he recognized but at first tried to ignore. But the dizziness was getting more noticeable, it felt like he couldn’t catch his breath. This was how he felt when he needed his hypo. He hadn’t needed it in a while. Where was it…? At last he stopped practicing jiu jitsu and checked his gym bag. It wasn’t there. His office then, maybe he’d stashed it there. Somewhere he didn’t have to look at it.

He grabbed his gym bag and made his way to deck nine, then the CSO office, and dug around in the drawers in the desk. No, it wasn’t here, either. He checked the desk in the lab, going through all the drawers. Nope. What had he done with it? He didn’t want to worry Rand, and besides, by now, he really needed to rest. Deck three was sounding like a long walk. He didn’t want to bother Randy again, but he wasn’t sure he had a choice. He went back to his CSO office, took a seat at his desk, and paged Randy, fifty or so minutes after Randy had left the gym.

Randy got the page and was perplexed. He had left the gym, grabbed a shower and went to talk to Rand. Except she wasn’t in Roman’s quarters and neither was Roman. He assumed they had gone to the mess to eat. When Roman said he was in his office, Randy remembered that Roman had been bringing Rand to the lab after her shift to see the animals. When he arrived though, there was no Rand.

When Randy arrived, it would be obvious what the problem was. Roman sat slightly hunched over in his chair, his right wrist and hand pressed tightly to his chest, his breathing too fast considering how long since he had been exercising by now, a good ten to twenty minutes. He’d pushed too hard in the gym. The nightmares, the not sleeping, the not eating well, it had all been putting extra strain on his body that might have made this easier to set off.

~ Roman

“Lean back in the chair, don’t hunch over. That’s instinct but leaning back will open your airway. More oxygen is good and deeper breaths will eventually help your heart slow.” Randy said this knowing it was hard to do. He put a hand on Roman’s shoulder and helped him lean back, supported by the chair and the wall and made sure his legs weren’t crossed. Then he opened the tricorder and pulled out one of Roman’s emergency hypos. He had taken to keeping one on him because Roman and Rand were always losing them. Checking the dose against the tricorder readings he put the hypo in Roman’s hand.

Randy

Roman didn’t want to uncurl, his chest hurt, he wanted to keep hunched over gripping his shirt and pressing his wrist to where it hurt. “Sorry. Couldn’t find it.” He meant sorry for calling, sorry for making him come down, but he couldn’t find his hypo anywhere. But those four words were difficult enough to get out right now. The pain in his chest, the feeling of his racing, beat-skipping heart, and the rate of his breathing made him feel anxious and stressed. Randy put a hand against his shoulder and helped him lean back, and the motion initially felt like it made it worse but then it felt a little better.

“Don’t apologize. I don’t mind. We’re family. and even if we weren’t. I’d still be here.” Randy knew that point had to be repeated to Roman over and over again. Family had never been the best for Roman, but slowly he and Rand were going to show him differently.

The tricorder showed he was past the point of no return, metaphorically speaking. The point at which it wouldn’t correct itself on its own with rest, he needed his hypo and then he needed to rest. Roman felt something metallic pressed into his hand and upon realizing it was a hypo, gasped in surprise and dropped it, the small cylinder rolling out of his hand and clattering to the floor.

If he’d had the ability he would have slapped his own forehead but one hand was still clutched to his chest and with the other he began trying to reach for the hypo without moving his body too much. Instead, he let out a breathy curse word.

~ Roman

“Whoa, I got it.” Randy picked it up and patted his shoulder before pressing it to his neck and there was a hiss as the medicine dispensed. “It will take a couple of minutes, just stay leaned back.” Randy would really rather Roman be on a bio bed, but that wasn’t going to happen. So instead he’d rather him be in his quarters in bed, but right now Roman wasn’t going to be walking anywhere, not even with Randy’s help, and Roman wasn’t going to get in a wheelchair. He kept himself from sighing in frustration. He leaned against the desk, trying to look unconcerned. Roman’s readings were not great but he really didn’t want to have to force him into sickbay. He waited quietly, not making Roman talk, while the medicine did what it needed to do.

Randy

Roman jerked slightly as the hypo pressed against his neck, not because of pain but because of his own issues with them. At least it was over with. He nodded to what Randy said, trying to stay relaxed as he leaned against the back of the chair. Then he and Randy waited. He glanced up at Randy, mistaking his masked concern for annoyance despite what Randy had said earlier about not minding. “Rand?” He asked. She would be helpful right now, comforting. And she wanted to be helpful, she would want to be there.

~ Roman

Randy glanced over looking like maybe he had been deep in thought, neutralizing Roman’s concerns that he was annoyed. He nodded with a sheepish look as he pulled out his communicator. “I should have asked when I arrived if you wanted me to page her. Sorry.” Randy thought it was very strange that Rand wasn’t already with him. Especially since she wasn’t in their quarters when he went to see her. She should be done with her shift, work left or not, by now. He tapped out the static code that would page her quietly that she was needed.

Rand heard the static on her communicator and thought for long moments whether she would go or not. The message didn’t say what was wrong only that Randy needed her. She just didn’t want to be around Randy, or around anyone right now. But in the end she was supposed to answer the page. That’s how it worked. So she cleaned herself up the best she could and closed the small storage compartment on her PaDD and slipped the strap over her shoulder and made her way toward sickbay - incorrectly assuming that’s where Randy was.

Rand took long enough to arrive that Randy was getting ready to verbally page her, he was concerned. Then he heard her footsteps in the corridor and stepped out. “Rand, in here.” She looked at the door and tried not to squash the nervousness. Her brother and Roman…in his office - that couldn’t bode well for her, but at least it wasn’t a trip to sickbay. She nodded and slipped past Randy through the door, not really looking at him. Randy raised a brow. It was after her shift but her hair was still pinned up, her uniform on, PaDD hanging at her side. Was she still working? She wasn’t supposed to do that. And a cursory glance made him think her face was flushed from running.

Rand glanced into the office and knew right away something was terribly wrong. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to ask in order to know why Roman hadn’t called her before it got this bad, or why he hadn’t been in the lab when she stopped by for lunch, or why he hadn’t come home. She set the PaDD on his desk and moved around behind his chair and reached over Roman’s shoulder and quietly began to squeeze his hand in rhythm to her breathing. She had to work to keep hers even, but she managed.

Rand

Roman gripped her hand and squeezed, hard. There was tension between them even now and he hated it. His breaths were getting a little deeper as she squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.” The words were still spoken between breaths as he tried to control his breathing. He didn’t know what exactly he was apologizing for, he just wanted things to go back to normal between them. It had taken her what felt like forever to respond to Randy’s page. “I’m glad… you’re here.” The meds were starting to take effect, helping to stabilize his heart.

~ Roman

Roman gripped her hand so hard it hurt, pushing the bones around. She didn’t wince or jerk though; she just let him keep squeezing her hand. It restricted how tightly she could grip his hand and so she reached around with the other, hugging him from behind, holding his hand in both of hers and continued the rhythm. When he said he was sorry she shushed him quietly. He didn’t have anything to apologize for. Then he said he was glad she was there and she could imagine it was possibly true. He wasn’t here working, he was in his gym clothes and still sweaty from his workout. Randy was showered, changed, and his hair dry already. That meant Roman had stayed in the gym after Randy left. Preferring to over work his heart and his body.

He was in his office because he’d been looking for his hypo rather than call her and come home all because he was angry and disappointed in her. So this was her fault. Her breath feathered across the hair at the nape of his neck. “Shhh....just breathe.” It hurt seeing him like this, and it was worse because it was her fault. She’d nagged him about it, to the point she’d decided she knew better and made the decision for him. Her nagging had driven him away from her to the point of putting himself at risk.

Rand had her arms around him and the chair he was sitting in, both her hands around his, squeezing to remind him to breathe. She kept shushing him, telling him to breathe. He remembered when he was shot and he’d missed her ‘nagging’, her telling him to shut up, sit down, and do whatever was best for him. He was really, really glad she was here now. He took another breath, “This isn’t your fault.” He knew how she liked to blame herself for things.

Again, “Shhh…breathe.” The rhythm of her hands stayed the same but her breath stopped moving the small curls of hair. She had to hold her breath to stop it from shuddering, so she could keep her breaths even and calm for him. He didn’t need to be kind; it just made the guilt worse.

Roman was finally quiet, focusing on breathing. He noticed he no longer felt the warmth of her breath on the back of his neck, so he tried to twist his head to look back at her, but her arms around him kept him from moving too much.

She felt like she was being cut open from the heart, across her chest along the length of her arms, then into the pit of her stomach as realization settled. Just like Randy and her grandfather, Roman was better off without her around. Her arms tightened around him and she kissed the side of his neck. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was, but she couldn’t speak and be calm for him.

Randy looked on with confusion and a bit of disbelief at the tension and sadness in the room that had nothing to do with Roman’s physical heart. These two were a lot of work! What was going on now? Okay…first Roman’s health, then he’d figure out the rest.

Rand

Roman relaxed into Rand’s arms when they tightened around him. Then she kissed his neck and he leaned his head toward her. Finally his breathing was slowing to match the rate she was squeezing his hands and as the pain in his chest began to ease his grip on her hands loosened to be more comfortable and he seemed to realize how tight he was holding on because he said, “Sorry,” again. He wasn’t better, but he was okay enough they could probably help him to their quarters.

~ Roman

Randy’s eyes were doing a bit of a trampoline jump going from Roman’s face to Rand’s and back. Why would this be Rand’s fault? (Yes he knew all about his sister’s anxiety, but she’d been nowhere near them at the gym. No one had.) And why wasn’t she talking to him? Usually nothing could get her to stop talking. What was going on? And why was Roman sorry?

Rand was glad when she felt him relax some more and just shook her head again and squeezed his hand harder when he said sorry. She didn’t mind.

Rand

Roman’s chest still ached, though not as badly, and these episodes with his heart always left him feeling tired and generally unwell. It was a little easier now that his breathing was better. “I feel better, it’s gone now.” If Randy were still running the tricorder, his scans would tell him Roman was somewhat better but certainly not being truthful about how he felt. He looked back at Rand, “Let’s go home.” He was intentionally picking the shortest way to say things so he could make himself sound okay. ‘home’ instead of ‘to our quarters’ was an example of that.

~ Roman

Rand was quite well aware of what he was doing. He didn’t want to be in there and she knew he had to be uncomfortable in the chair. She could feel the irregular pounding of his heart under their hands. She shook her head against his shoulder. He could stay right there for a few more minutes. That didn’t matter though. If Roman wanted to move, she wouldn’t stop him. She started to release his hands so he could get up when Randy spoke.

Randy had looked at the readings. “Nope stay put for a few more minutes. Then we will get you upstairs. You are better, but not enough. I’ll be right back. You both had better still be in this office when I come back or I’m calling a medical search team.” He slipped out the door and Rand continued the rhythmic breathing. Why did Randy have to leave?

Rand

Roman felt Rand’s head shake against his shoulder and relaxed back into the chair. Obviously she didn’t agree. Even as her hands loosened over his, he kept hold of them. Randy agreed with her then, and Roman opened his mouth to argue with him, but Randy was quickly gone. Rand continued squeezing his hands in a slow, steady rhythm. “He knows us,” he said with a little grin to Rand. It was… admittedly a little awkward with just the two of them and he hated that. He kept using short sentences that he could make sound okay. “I shouldn’t be angry.” He waited another few moments, “You had Randy’s okay.” Then another few breaths passed. “You knew it would be fine.”

~ Roman

“He does.”It was the first thing she’d said other than to shush him. Everything was tense and it was because of her. Randy had called her there when Roman hadn’t wanted her there. She knew he said he was glad, but it just wasn’t in Roman to be cruel. Then he started talking again. Shouldn’t be - present tense, he was still angry with her. Then justified her actions for her, trying to convince himself not to be angry. She started to shake her head again but didn’t. “Shhh…just breathe.” She closed her eyes, otherwise the tears would start and she’d never get her breaths to move past her throat. I need you to keep breathing even if you can never forgive me. She didn’t voice the thought but her heart ached from it. “Randy won’t let you go if you don’t.”

She couldn’t forget that it didn’t matter her intention. What mattered was how Roman perceived it and not her intention. Why did Randy have to leave her here. He was the nurse practitioner. If something happened, he should be in here not Rand. It seemed forever but Randy returned, with water and a snack. Rand could have certainly gotten that for him. Randy twisted the cap off and set it on the desk. “We’ll try sitting up when you’re ready and drinking the water. You need it.” Then he began to peel and orange and set it down for him. “Eat that too.”

Rand