Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (5) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
She held him while he talked. When he said it was about Jay she hugged him tighter, “I know.” It was always about that. He didn’t have to tell her specifically what he was dreaming about, she could guess. She knew the memory of his death was hard, but she had to believe that those last moments were easier for Jay because Roman was there. She didn’t say that though because it didn’t help, not as raw as the pain was right now. She saw his look and sighed. “If it’s so evil why do you make me take it every night?” She didn’t expect an answer, it was more a way to make him be more logical about his thinking. To let go of those double standards.

She didn’t expect an answer but he had one. “Because you need it, you need your sleep. It’s not evil, it’s…” He sighed and looked at her. “I can’t watch you go through what I have.”

Rand looked right back at him. Her gaze understanding, not sympathetic. “Oh Roman, I’ve had my own nightmares for a lot longer than I’ve served. I know what it’s like. I hate knowing what you’re going through and I can’t do anything about it.” Roman had an ingrained double standard, built from years with his family. He wasn’t going to let go of that just because she wanted him to or just because he should.

Roman hugged her again. “You are doing something, by being there.” It made a big difference to him just to have someone there with him to hug and help calm him.

“Tell me about the day you found out you were both accepted to the Academy.” That had to be a happy memory.

Rand

Roman sighed again. All his memories of Jay were tainted by the attack. He could not think of one without the other. Rand and Randy had both been trying to get him to talk about the good memories lately, he wondered if they didn’t know or understand that he couldn’t think about it without being reminded of the attack.

He would try anyway, for Rand. He knew she liked hearing his stories. “Jay… he heard first… We thought mine was just delayed in the post.” Roman smiled a sad smile and new tears made their way down his face as he fought to keep his voice level. “He… He waited to open his until we figured out what happened to mine.” He looked at Rand, “The Academy still had my parents’ address and my letter had gone there. So we, he came with me, and we went to my parents’ to get it back.”

He sighed, all signs of a smile gone. “They had opened it, of course, and felt the need to have a long lecture about what I was doing before they would hand it over. And of course they told me I was accepted, so Jay…” He had to stop and take several shaky breaths. “Opened his right there and declared he had been accepted too and that us future officers had no time for such trivialities, and then he dragged me out by the arm and we went with his family to celebrate.”

Roman had been living with the Calianos for a year by then. He hadn’t spoken to them since the attack, despite their once-per-year letters. It felt like there wasn’t really anyone left around him, they’d all gone. By the end of the story he was crying again, but trying hard to stop, now wasn’t the time for this. He was going to have to head to the lab soon, in twenty or so minutes, he saw, sneaking a peak at the clock.

~ Roman

Rand sat next to him, keeping her own nerves over his reaction to the meds at bay for the moment, her arms around him. She forced a smile into her voice. “That must have been a really great moment. Knowing he supported you and didn’t give one blink of credit to their words. He and his family believed in you both. I am sure they are very proud of you.” Rand knew they wrote to him, thought she’d never seen him write back. She wish he would. If the Calianos were like he described, they probably felt like they had lost TWO sons instead of one. They kept writing and never forgot, so they hadn’t forgotten him. Rand doubted they would.

Roman nodded, letting out a little sigh and an unconvincing, “Yeah.” It was obvious he didn’t believe her, about his family and it just made him sad to think about. They wrote him once per year, on his birthday, and he never knew what to say back, so he just didn’t.

Rand didn’t miss him checking the clock and knew he wouldn’t want to go like this. “Has the chemistry lab made in progress on analyzing the goo lizard’s goo?” She knew one of the things they were working on was finding antidotes/cures/first aid for things that were natural on the planet so that teams would be prepared when they did surface studies. But with her head and light duty she was sorely behind in keeping up with things. And the questions about work would be something he always would rather talk about.

Rand

Roman shook his head. “It’s too caustic, they’re having trouble diluting it and isolating the chemical compounds that make it up. As for an antidote, we’ve found some things that might help protect against it, in the pants on the planet but nothing definitive. It’s a slow going process.” The usual excitement about his work was absent from his voice. “I’m looking for somewhere to send the Chinzillas.” He knew she’d want updates on that process. “There hasn’t been anywhere yet.”

~ Roman

“I’m sure you’ll find somewhere.” She’d offer to help, but she’d done enough helping for a lifetime. Besides, he would want the work to keep him busy. She would have to start on her own work soon, but she wasn’t going to rush him. She had thought sleep would help him. He looked so much better this morning, except for her. Sometimes she wondered if Roman refused to help himself because he was punishing himself. He would let her help; he wouldn’t let Randy help. Not really. The last year had been tumultuous…Roman had been forced to endure sickbay over and over again. One medical procedure after another. Maybe he just couldn’t stand anymore. But the nightmares only made the days worse. Rand sighed mentally. She didn’t know what to do, and even if she did, she doubted she could help.

Rand

Roman, even stressed and upset about the hypo, looked better this morning than he had in weeks. Randy would probably tell her what she’d done was best for Roman. That he couldn’t keep doing that to himself.

The repeated forced stays in sickbay had worsened his fear and solidified it as a proper phobia. It had spread to anything sickbay related, even hypos. If it weren’t for that, he wouldn’t have been upset about the hypo. He had to admit he felt better than he had in weeks. He just wished it weren’t so hard to accept the help the hypo gave. He checked the time again, sighed, and hugged her. “We both need to get ready for our duty shifts.” Then he stood and headed into the bathroom.

It took him longer than usual in there, almost half an hour, and he came out dressed in his uniform with his hair brushed neatly. He stopped to say bye to Rand and then headed to work.

~ Roman

---

Randy, having no idea about the conversation that morning, appeared in the gym after Roman’s shift. The day had been busy for him, and since Rand had an extra hour in the mornings now, he was able to let her decide when she needed help or not. She hadn’t paged him for help and so he left her be. He knew he could be smothering on occasion. He wanted to help not overshadow her.

Being angry with Rand really wasn’t helpful to Roman, not the way he was right now. He buried himself in work, but, oddly for him, not work in the lab, he was only there as much as minimally necessary that day. Instead, he did his paperwork in his CSO office, and the remainder of the day did any work, CSO or XO that kept him out of the lab. He wasn’t avoiding Rand, he was avoiding something else. When his shift ended, he made his way directly to the gym.

He didn’t know if Roman would show today after the previous lesson. Randy had spent most of his evening going over everything, trying to pinpoint what had caused Roman’s reaction. He thought he had a fairly accurate picture now. So if Roman did feel like showing Randy was okay with that. He was enjoying the workout and thought he could at least practice on Mr Dummy.

Randy

This time when Randy showed up to the gym, Roman had already been there nearly an hour. He was going hard against Mr Dummy, his face and exercise shirt doused in sweat. His gym bag sat on the floor near the exercise mat, apparently Roman hadn’t bothered to put it in the locker room. Mr Dummy wasn’t faced away from the door, and Randy’s red hair was hard to miss, so Roman noticed a short moment after he entered and paused to greet him with a short nod and a wave over to the mat, trying to catch his breath.

~ Roman

Randy couldn’t miss the loud thwaps and whacks and thuds as Roman beat up the training dummy. Mentally his eyebrows caused a hull breach, physically he seemed unaffected. He moved over to the mat where Roman waved and started stretching. He didn’t mention the meds or the night before. Right now he wasn’t Roman’s therapist, just his student and soon to be brother in law that was sharing a punishment given out by the the woman they both cared for. He figured if Roman wanted to discuss it, Roman would tell him.

Roman did not want to discuss the meds with Randy, he figured he was in on it. He’d had to have given Rand the correct dosing to do it with. The night before… That he might want to discuss, if he weren’t in full avoidance mode. He wasn’t going to think or deal with it at all if he could get away with that.

He finished stretching and stood up. He briefly wondered if he was about to take Mr. Dummy’s place.

Randy

Roman instructed him to stand on the mat. His demeanor was gruff and snappy, though he was trying not to take it out on Randy. But Randy did not take the place of Mr Dummy. Instead, Roman asked him to practice the offensive moves Roman had already taught him, and gave pointers and advice as he blocked each of them.

~ Roman