Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

(snip)

She held him while he talked. When he said it was about Jay she hugged him tighter, “I know.” It was always about that. He didn’t have to tell her specifically what he was dreaming about, she could guess. She knew the memory of his death was hard, but she had to believe that those last moments were easier for Jay because Roman was there. She didn’t say that though because it didn’t help, not as raw as the pain was right now. She saw his look and sighed. “If it’s so evil why do you make me take it every night?” She didn’t expect an answer, it was more a way to make him be more logical about his thinking. To let go of those double standards.

She didn’t expect an answer but he had one. “Because you need it, you need your sleep. It’s not evil, it’s…” He sighed and looked at her. “I can’t watch you go through what I have.”

Rand looked right back at him. Her gaze understanding, not sympathetic. “Oh Roman, I’ve had my own nightmares for a lot longer than I’ve served. I know what it’s like. I hate knowing what you’re going through and I can’t do anything about it.” Roman had an ingrained double standard, built from years with his family. He wasn’t going to let go of that just because she wanted him to or just because he should.

Roman hugged her again. “You are doing something, by being there.” It made a big difference to him just to have someone there with him to hug and help calm him.

“Tell me about the day you found out you were both accepted to the Academy.” That had to be a happy memory.

Rand

Roman sighed again. All his memories of Jay were tainted by the attack. He could not think of one without the other. Rand and Randy had both been trying to get him to talk about the good memories lately, he wondered if they didn’t know or understand that he couldn’t think about it without being reminded of the attack.

He would try anyway, for Rand. He knew she liked hearing his stories. “Jay… he heard first… We thought mine was just delayed in the post.” Roman smiled a sad smile and new tears made their way down his face as he fought to keep his voice level. “He… He waited to open his until we figured out what happened to mine.” He looked at Rand, “The Academy still had my parents’ address and my letter had gone there. So we, he came with me, and we went to my parents’ to get it back.”

He sighed, all signs of a smile gone. “They had opened it, of course, and felt the need to have a long lecture about what I was doing before they would hand it over. And of course they told me I was accepted, so Jay…” He had to stop and take several shaky breaths. “Opened his right there and declared he had been accepted too and that us future officers had no time for such trivialities, and then he dragged me out by the arm and we went with his family to celebrate.”

Roman had been living with the Calianos for a year by then. He hadn’t spoken to them since the attack, despite their once-per-year letters. It felt like there wasn’t really anyone left around him, they’d all gone. By the end of the story he was crying again, but trying hard to stop, now wasn’t the time for this. He was going to have to head to the lab soon, in twenty or so minutes, he saw, sneaking a peak at the clock.

~ Roman

Rand sat next to him, keeping her own nerves over his reaction to the meds at bay for the moment, her arms around him. She forced a smile into her voice. “That must have been a really great moment. Knowing he supported you and didn’t give one blink of credit to their words. He and his family believed in you both. I am sure they are very proud of you.” Rand knew they wrote to him, thought she’d never seen him write back. She wish he would. If the Calianos were like he described, they probably felt like they had lost TWO sons instead of one. They kept writing and never forgot, so they hadn’t forgotten him. Rand doubted they would.

Roman nodded, letting out a little sigh and an unconvincing, “Yeah.” It was obvious he didn’t believe her, about his family and it just made him sad to think about. They wrote him once per year, on his birthday, and he never knew what to say back, so he just didn’t.

Rand didn’t miss him checking the clock and knew he wouldn’t want to go like this. “Has the chemistry lab made in progress on analyzing the goo lizard’s goo?” She knew one of the things they were working on was finding antidotes/cures/first aid for things that were natural on the planet so that teams would be prepared when they did surface studies. But with her head and light duty she was sorely behind in keeping up with things. And the questions about work would be something he always would rather talk about.

Rand

Roman shook his head. “It’s too caustic, they’re having trouble diluting it and isolating the chemical compounds that make it up. As for an antidote, we’ve found some things that might help protect against it, in the pants on the planet but nothing definitive. It’s a slow going process.” The usual excitement about his work was absent from his voice. “I’m looking for somewhere to send the Chinzillas.” He knew she’d want updates on that process. “There hasn’t been anywhere yet.”

~ Roman

“I’m sure you’ll find somewhere.” She’d offer to help, but she’d done enough helping for a lifetime. Besides, he would want the work to keep him busy. She would have to start on her own work soon, but she wasn’t going to rush him. She had thought sleep would help him. He looked so much better this morning, except for her. Sometimes she wondered if Roman refused to help himself because he was punishing himself. He would let her help; he wouldn’t let Randy help. Not really. The last year had been tumultuous…Roman had been forced to endure sickbay over and over again. One medical procedure after another. Maybe he just couldn’t stand anymore. But the nightmares only made the days worse. Rand sighed mentally. She didn’t know what to do, and even if she did, she doubted she could help.

Rand