Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (27) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
He always tried to reassure her, and she knew under normal circumstances there would be no accidents. There were no improvements from last year, and Rand felt that if she and Randy weren’t there to remind him, things would be worse. “Okay.” She was quiet for a minute watching the movie then very quietly with a thread of nervousness, “If you have a nightmare I’m giving you the hypo.”

Rand

Roman looked down at her, giving her one of his looks. “You would have to call Randy to dose it for me, I usually need more than you.” He commented. The idea made him a little nervous, though obviously Randy already knew about the nightmares. It still bothered him for some reason.

~ Roman

Rand nodded. She has already thought of that weeks ago. But she would call Randy again to make sure she wasn’t remembering wrong. She hated that, that she couldn’t trust her memory anymore. “That’s okay. He’s right next door. I can go ask him now, just in case, and then he doesn’t have to know if you needed it or not.”

Rand

“I always have them.” Roman said. She could probably feel his arm and body tense against her. He felt cornered talking about something he didn’t want to talk about, and conflicted over two options he didn’t like. Another night of not sleeping, and after a day like today… It was going to be a long night. Or meds which… He also didn’t like. “I just- I don’t-” he let out a long sigh and looked at her again. “I don’t know.”

~ Roman

“Okay.” She tucked her head back onto his shoulder and turned her attention back to the movie. She’d asked and offered, and she’d told him what she was going to do. There was no need to push him and make him more upset. He had to know though she wasn’t going to go to sleep and leave him alone with his nightmares.

Rand

Roman turned to watch the movie too. After a while he started to relax back into his spot. He was still having a hard time with his feelings from earlier, about Jay and the jiu jitsu, but he was trying to focus on the movie to get away from it. The credits were rolling when he turned to look at her again and noticed she was still awake, “Miranda, you should be going to sleep soon, you have duty tomorrow.”

~ Roman

Rand was comfortable and relaxed as she enjoyed the rest of the movie, as best she could anyway. She was tired, but she was not sleepy or exhausted. Until she knew Roman was asleep, she wouldn’t. She knew it wasn’t good to stay awake all night with her concussion not completely healed yet. That didn’t stop her from staying awake with him and getting up when he woke with a nightmare. Of course that wasn’t the only reason she wasn’t sleepy. “Yeah I know....but it’s hard to sleep after…well..” the rest rushed out in a whisper “allyouwerewearingwasatowel.” That was not what she had intended to say; therefore, she totally embarrassed herself.

Rand

Roman paused and looked down at her, the smallest of grins on his face for the first time that night. “If my wearing nothing but a towel is so disruptive, perhaps I should take care to cover up better?” He cuddled up closer to her, tightening his arm around her, trying to make her comfortable. Then he started rubbing her back slow and gently. He knew how to try and make her sleep.

~ Roman

“No!” Her face turned red and she hid it in his shoulder where her voice was muffled. “I wasn’t complaining.” Then he was hugging her, holding her tight and his hand started moving over her back. She sighed deeply, relaxing, scooting around until she was comfortable. She knew what he was doing and muttered through a yawn. “That’s not fair.”

Rand

Roman reached to the side table and got the hypo out of the drawer and gave it to her, then set the hypo back down. Then he resumed the slow, relaxing back rub, keeping her tight against him. When she hid her face against him and said she wasn’t complaining he smiled again, “Good.” His voice was soft, he was also trying to make it relaxing. He knew she would want to stay up with him but it wasn’t good for her. “Maybe not, but…” Roman shrugged, “you need your sleep too.”

~ Roman

Rand felt the hypo press against her neck and she held still while he gave her the medicine. She honestly wasn’t sure she needed it anymore, but when she had asked Randy, he had told her to take more time. She was still working through the memories and had moments of confusion, mild but still there. Of course she had missed a couple sessions with him because she was still mad at him.

Roman said she needed her sleep. She knew fighting him about it was only going to make him feel bad and worry. She sighed, it was supposed to sound exasperated but instead it just sounded content as he started rubbing her back again. He also sounded far too happy about her saying it wasn’t fair. “You need sleep too, and I have been sleeping fine.” He made sure she did. Even on the days she was too anxious to fall asleep easily, he made sure. She supposed if it helped him be less worried she could pretend to be asleep. She could rest quietly until she knew he would be asleep too. She slipped an arm around him and squeezed him tight. Then her hand slid over his heart and started those small movements she always did before she would fall asleep.

Rand

Roman didn’t want to go to sleep, he knew how that would go. But Rand must have convinced him she was asleep because his body relaxed next to her and he let out a long breath as she squeezed him. Then her hand settled on his chest and the small movements of it across his skin seemed to help relax him and before long like it or not he was asleep too, cuddled in against her.

It was an hour and a half or so before the nightmare started. Roman’s body jerked hard in his sleep and he groaned softly and cried a whimpered ‘no’. Then started the twitching of his limbs and restlessness as the groans, whimpers, and cries continued, his sweat beginning to dampen her shirt as he was still pressed against her.

~ Roman

By the time Roman had finally fell asleep Rand had been dozing lightly. When his arms had relaxed around her she knew he was asleep and she drifted off. When he said ‘No’ she woke instantly. Even though it was soft the room was so quiet she heard it. Trying not to disturb him she carefully pushed up on one arm and reached for the hypo that Roman had set aside. She remembered Randy told her that the first dose would be 2ml to her 1 because of his metabolism rate. She laid back down to keep from waking him and using one hand dialed the dose. She placed the tip to his arm and pressed the button. She heard the soft hiss and then putting it aside she wrapped her arms around him and murmured quietly. Once he seemed calmer she would call Randy.

Rand

When she propped herself up Roman’s hands grabbed onto her shirt but she still had the mobility she needed to get the hypo. It was a bad nightmare, usually after one like this he would jerk awake, shaking and crying, and it would take a long time to calm him. It took the meds several minutes to take effect, then the cries and moans became further in between, the twitching beginning to slow as he started to calm. He still felt tense as a rock in her arms, but it seemed better than before she’d given him the meds.

~ Roman

Rand had no idea how long it would take for the meds to completely take effect. No one told her how long it took for her therefore she had no point of reference. So the minutes seemed hours. Several times she started to reach for her comm only to look at the clock and realize it hadn’t been but short minutes. Finally he seemed to be calming down. Still he seemed too tense to be restfully asleep. She reached for her comm and quietly paged Randy.

He came in without a sound. Mostly what he was checking for was to make sure the dose was correct (it was), and it wasn’t lowering his blood pressure to much and there were no signs of allergic reaction. He set up the tricorder to monitor and Rand would page him again if it went off. After 20 minutes he slipped out just as quietly.

There were no signs of allergic or negative reactions, but his blood pressure did drop, enough he might have side effects but not so low they needed to worry. During the 20 minutes Randy was there Roman finished relaxing, his breaths evening out, the twitching and groaning stopping, and finally, some of the tension releasing from his body.

During the whole process Rand had reached over and taken Roman’s hand and was squeezing it in rhythm with her breath. She didn’t know if it would help while he slept, but she didn’t know what else to do.

Rand

Her touch seemed to help in the way it always did. When he had calmed and started sleeping more restfully, he rolled into her, his other arm settling around her. Then he slept, without interruption.

~ Roman

Once he seemed to relax, Rand was able to lay back down without worry. Not that she had much choice in laying down. When he rolled over and put his arm around, her she got pulled in close to him and made to lay back down. It made her smile slightly in the dark. She fell back asleep herself not long after that.

Rand

Roman slept hard the rest of the night. Uninterrupted, peaceful sleep. Whether he would be angry about it or not in the morning it was obvious he needed it because he didn’t wake when Rand’s alarm went off first, nor when his own went off a little later. He had hardly moved all night.

~ Roman

Rand had woken with her alarm and turned it off quickly when she realized Roman hadn’t woken up. She let him sleep rather than wake him to go for a walk with her. She returned the tricorder to Randy before she went for her walk. She didn’t walk far just a couple laps around their deck. It felt good to stretch, but she didn’t want to be gone when he woke up.

He was still asleep when she returned. It had been hard to just walk and not jog or run. Rand didn’t want to do anything to make people worry though. They might make her stop her walks if she did. She also would feel horribly guilty for making them worry. So she was very careful to keep her pace to a walk.

She sat down at the desk and tried to get ahead on her work for the day, and also took care of Pipkin - refilling her water, food, and hay. The bunny sat on her lap while she worked.

Then Roman’s alarm went off. Rand let sound for a minute, but he didn’t move. She was tempted to rearrange his schedule, but she wouldn’t do that. Instead she went over and sat beside him, crossed her arms over his chest and leaned forward to kiss him awake.

Rand

Roman stirred slightly when she sat on the bed next to him, but he did not wake until she had been kissing him a moment. It was a pleasant way to wake, with her lips gently against his. His eyes popped open and he started to kiss her back, unaware what day or time it was. He felt relaxed and he looked better rested than he had been.

~ Roman

Rand smiled as he started to kiss her back. She was in no rush and was content to take their time. Eventually though, she knew she needed to at least let him know what time it was. She pulled back just slightly grinning at him. Her lilt feathered out, “Good morning.”

Rand

Roman put his arms around her like he didn’t want her to pull back. He remembered having a nightmare, but not waking from it, which was odd. But he was too focused on Rand to put too much thought into it. “Morning.” He sighed a long, soft sigh. “I slept?”

~ Roman

Rand leaned in and kissed him again when he put his arm around her. This time when she pulled back she had this look on her face that was very soft and loving, like he was her whole world. “You did. Slept through both our alarms.”

Rand

He frowned and nodded. Nightmares or no, he wasn’t in a good place emotionally. He didn’t even really want to get up, not even for the lab. He felt physically better than he had in days, the near full night’s rest really helped. He didn’t think she’d give him the hypo without his explicit agreement, but the way Rand was looking at him made him feel warm and fuzzy and fluttery and made his train of thought float right out the window. He ran his hands gently down her arms, “I love you.”

~ Roman

Rand had been desperate. Roman needed sleep, good sleep. She’d tried to talk to him, convince him, but it hadn’t worked. She couldn’t remember exactly what she did to convince him to go to Randy, or take his heart meds, get the treatment for his leg. She couldn’t remember. She thought…well she’d just told him the truth and he had listened. It didn’t work this time. She must have forgotten some important step. Last night had been worse than any of his other nightmares.

He was looking up at her and his hands on her arms sent warm shivers racing over arms and down her back. “I love you, too.” He wouldn’t see it that way though. She already felt guilty, knowing how much he hated meds and doctors. Even if times it was irrational. The difference decent sleep made was so obvious in him no one could deny he needed it. Her eyes watered some. “I…I I wish I c…c could stop time.”

Roman hugged her, pressing her to him. It was the only thing that made him feel better. “Why do you want to stop time?” All he wanted was for time to go on. He’d sleep more if he could. Just to make it all go away.

Rand closed her eyes and bit her lip before making herself sit up. Guilt closed her throat but forced the words out as well. She swallowed hard. It never occured to her to not tell him. She wished she could go back to kissing him good morning and freeze them in that moment. She wouldn’t look at him and she was going to rip a hole in her shirt the way she was twisting it. “I…I gave you…th th the hypo at 2300.” She didn’t say anything else. It didn’t matter that she had told him she would, or why she had done it - Roman hated excuses. Guilt made her heart pound painfully.

Rand

Rand was really nervous about something and it was worrying Roman so he took her hands so she’d stop twisting her shirt so hard, holding them and squeezing gently. “Miranda, what’s wrong?” It was absolutely illogical in every way but a part of him was afraid she was going to tell him he’d had some strange health event and Randy and Elbbirt were going to take him away to sickbay.

When she said it, he knew exactly which hypo she meant. The one he’d said he didn’t know to. The one he hadn’t been able to say yes to, because he was afraid of it. She’d given it without making sure he was okay with it. He hadn’t even considered the possibility. He’d immediately thrown it out as impossible. Was he having a strange nightmare? Was this something his mind came up with to torture him further? Reminding him every single day about… that event wasn’t enough? It had to try and damage his trust in Rand too? He blinked at her as if confused. “You… what?”

~ Roman

Rand could only nod her head for a moment. Every possible horrible scenario running through her mind, from Roman yelling at her to him pressing charges to, worst of all, him telling her to get out. That he never wanted to see her again. She knew, after whatever had caused Randy to bring him home like that last night, his sleep would be worse, and in that mind set what she had done he would be angry and hurt. Even without the jiu jitsu Roman would have been angry. She had no right to do it. She just hadn’t known what else to do. He was screaming in his sleep. Rand understood, she had PTSD too, what that suffering was like. Of course, his trauma was so much worse than hers. A normal person like Roman, wouldn’t suffer over stupid things like she did. Maybe she didn’t understand after all. “I g g ga gave y y y ou the p p praz z z z o s s sin.” He only asked what not why. Her hair hid her face. She bit her lower lip so hard she was going to bleed, but she didn’t care. She watched where he was holding her hands…waiting for him to pull away and tell her to get out.

Rand

But Roman didn’t let go of her hands. He didn’t yell. He didn’t want her to leave. He needed her. Roman looked hurt and betrayed and confused, and stressed. His chest felt funny, tight and heavy, like when his heart acted up. But he knew it must be in his head, because he wasn’t doing anything. A small, illogical part of his mind wondered if the meds could mess up his heart, but he knew Rand wouldn’t risk that, nor would Randy. Then again, he hadn’t thought Rand would do this at all.

He didn’t need to ask why, he knew why. Because she didn’t want to watch him have nightmares anymore. He was so conflicted, and upset. He’d trusted her, and all he wanted was to keep trusting her. He knew she’d done it because she thought it was right, and while he hated excuses he also led crew to do what they thought was right.

And it made him nervous. The meds, taking them, being on them, all of it. There were stupid, impossible, unlikely scenarios so remote they weren’t worth thinking about that he now couldn’t get out of his head. “Did Randy come?” Both a question because he hated people seeing his nightmares and because he wanted to know if Randy had monitored him like he had Rand.

~ Roman

Rand nodded again. “A after I g g gave it t t to you. 20 m minutes. L l left h his t t tri…corder. He s s said y you were fine. No no con…worries.” This was worse than a nightmare. It was like reliving her grandfather all over again. She had tried to do the right thing then and had been wrong…now it was happening all over again....

Rand

Roman hugged her, he hated making her anxious. “Miranda. You were doing… what you thought was right… what I needed. Instead of what I wanted. I…” He sighed softly. “I do wish you’d waited till I was awake, till I could say yes.”

~ Roman

She was not expecting him to hug her. He was disappointed with her, upset. She hugged him tightly, holding on to him the way he had held onto her all through his nightmare. “I c couldn’t…you didn n’t wake up…you were ssscreaming.” Her voice was really quiet and she sounded really guilty, the words coming out slow trying to stop her stutter. “Didn’t knnow what to do.” She had been careful not to wake him, not to keep him asleep but to stop from startling him. She knew how disorienting and frightening that could be - waking in the middle of a nightmare. She was afraid what it would do to his heart. She had expected him to wake on his own, like he usually did.
Instead, when she had tried to get up he’d grabbed her so hard she couldn’t have moved. She had barely reached the hypo.

Rand

Roman closed his eyes and sighed when she said he was screaming in his sleep. He was always self conscious about how noticeable his nightmares were. But he remembered what he was dreaming about.. it felt further away than usual… Maybe because he had been able to sleep afterwards. It was no surprise to him that it was a bad one, though. “It was about… h-him,” Roman was trying and failing to keep his voice steady as his eyes started to well up with tears. “We were in an.. um, an open style sickbay… in the main area, so nothing between the beds.” He had to take a deep breath to keep going, “he was… right next to me when… he…” He broke off into a sob he couldn’t hold back. He hugged her tight and sniffed hard, changing the topic back, “I… I know… it must be hard having to deal with and manage my nightmares… I just…” He gave the hypo, still out on the table, a glance like it came out of hell itself.

~ Roman

She held him while he talked. When he said it was about Jay she hugged him tighter, “I know.” It was always about that. He didn’t have to tell her specifically what he was dreaming about, she could guess. She knew the memory of his death was hard, but she had to believe that those last moments were easier for Jay because Roman was there. She didn’t say that though because it didn’t help, not as raw as the pain was right now. She saw his look and sighed. “If it’s so evil why do you make me take it every night?” She didn’t expect an answer, it was more a way to make him be more logical about his thinking. To let go of those double standards.

She didn’t expect an answer but he had one. “Because you need it, you need your sleep. It’s not evil, it’s…” He sighed and looked at her. “I can’t watch you go through what I have.”

“Tell me about the day you found out you were both accepted to the Academy.” That had to be a happy memory.

Rand

Roman sighed again. All his memories of Jay were tainted by the attack. He could not think of one without the other. Rand and Randy had both been trying to get him to talk about the good memories lately, he wondered if they didn’t know or understand that he couldn’t think about it without being reminded of the attack.

He would try anyway, for Rand. He knew she liked hearing his stories. “Jay… he heard first… We thought mine was just delayed in the post.” Roman smiled a sad smile and new tears made their way down his face as he fought to keep his voice level. “He… He waited to open his until we figured out what happened to mine.” He looked at Rand, “The Academy still had my parents’ address and my letter had gone there. So we, he came with me, and we went to my parents’ to get it back.”

He sighed, all signs of a smile gone. “They had opened it, of course, and felt the need to have a long lecture about what I was doing before they would hand it over. And of course they told me I was accepted, so Jay…” He had to stop and take several shaky breaths. “Opened his right there and declared he had been accepted too and that us future officers had no time for such trivialities, and then he dragged me out by the arm and we went with his family to celebrate.”

Roman had been living with the Calianos for a year by then. He hadn’t spoken to them since the attack, despite their once-per-year letters. It felt like there wasn’t really anyone left around him, they’d all gone. By the end of the story he was crying again, but trying hard to stop, now wasn’t the time for this. He was going to have to head to the lab soon, in twenty or so minutes, he saw, sneaking a peak at the clock.

~ Roman