Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (39) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman hadn’t meant to hit him in the head, he’d been aiming for the shoulder. He looked quickly apologetic, “You alright?”

Randy nodded, “Yeah yeah I’m alright. My fault, you warned me that the instinct to duck isn’t always the safest or most useful reaction.”

Then he explained, “In a sporting situation, head shots and and certain other… sensitive areas are off-limits. However if you’re in a self defense situation, you throw those rules out. They’re aiming to hurt you, you aim to hurt them, if only enough to stop them from hurting you.” Roman was trained enough he could purposefully break bones if he needed to, though he’d rather not. Going back into teaching mode seemed to help him a little but he still looked upset and unfocused.

“Civilization goes out the window in other words. It all becomes survival.” Randy got that and agreed with it. He just had never been much of a fighter, and so never had interest in martial arts. He preferred that old saying about being a lover not a fighter.

Roman shrugged, “Basically, yes. It isn’t ideal but Rand sent us here for me to teach you to defend yourself, since you can’t talk everyone to death.” He managed a little grin with his statement.

He remembered when he and Jay had first been given that lesson. They were twelve, and their instructor had caught them talking about their Starfleet plans. He’d warned them then that if you only knew sport martial arts it may actually not be helpful in actually dangerous situations. Jay and Roman had read about that though, and said that they teach you hand to hand in Academy.

Not that any of it had done Jay any good in the end, Roman thought, unable to push it away before it pushed him over the edge and the tears he’d been holding back burst out, with Roman hurrying to hide it before anyone else in the gym noticed.

~ Roman

Randy was always quick thinking and saw the look on Roman’s face before Roman turned. He rubbed at his head. “Ach, time ta stop, I’m gettin’ slow. Tired is good for later not exhaustion.” He picked up his bag and followed Roman toward the locker room. “Coisich, na ruith.”

Roman started to head to the locker room after Randy said he was ‘getting slow’. He was pretty sure it was a cover, and that thought was confirmed when he heard Randy’s voice in Gaelic behind him: ‘Walk, don’t run.’ Roman was deliberately trying to look as normal as possible, his head bowed down to hide his face but more in a way as though to pretend he was tired.

Inside the locker room Randy led him toward a quiet corner, grabbing Roman’s bag as they passed it. He put a hand in his shoulder and encouraged Roman to sit. Then he sat across from him and waited. Rummaging around for a couple of water bottles.

Randy

Roman was going to reach for his bag and leave, but Randy was instead guiding him into a quieter corner of the room and he grabbed Roman’s bag when they passed it. Roman was embarrassed. He didn’t allow this sort of thing in front of other people, it wasn’t acceptable, and he was in no place to remember Rand’s advice about what to do with his parents’ judgemental opinions. He was struggling with the grief and the guilt and he couldn’t stop crying so he did it as quietly as he could, taking long shaky breaths to try and stop the shaking of his shoulders.

~ Roman

Randy didn’t say anything. Well that wasn’t true, any time the door opened Randy would somehow be in the middle of some outlandish claim as if still goading Alden on. It was only twice that the door opened though. Otherwise he stayed quiet letting him have the freedom for grief to rage. Randy stepped away, but not gone, then returned and set a hand on his shoulder, gripping it tightly a moment and then set a damp cloth in Roman’s hand before resuming his seat.

Randy

The two times the door opened Roman made a harder (and still failed) effort to stop but Randy had it covered, making absurd claims in attempts Roman recognized as theatrical or fake, to pretend they were still taunting and goading each other. Then he stepped away for a moment and Roman did not look up, but he hadn’t heard the door so he knew Randy hadn’t left. Still he felt the need to look up when Randy touched his shoulder and then ducked his head again when he saw it was Randy. He felt a cold, damp cloth pressed into his hand and took it, bringing the cloth to his face and sniffing hard, trying again to calm himself.

~ Roman

When the sobs finally seemed to let up, “Tell me what you were thinking.” Randy wasn’t going to press too hard, Roman was exhausted, but if he could get him to talk a little bit it would be good.

Randy

Roman set the cloth against his forehead and, after quickly checking that the locker room was still empty, tipped his head back and took a deep breath. He was still crying, but not as hard. It took him several moments to respond, but, surprisingly, it was an actual attempt to answer. “Oh.” He glanced uncomfortably at Randy and then wiped his eyes, sniffing again. “It was, um…” His voice choked and trailed off and he started crying again. “I-it was… we used to p-practice together…” The words were managed through new sobs, and then he dropped his head again, covering his face, which dropped the cloth into his lap. He just wanted to be asleep, to get away from it, but it didn’t work that way.

~ Roman

Randy waited, listening, giving him time to talk rather than rushing. Roman didn’t need to say Jay’s name for him to know that was the other half of the ‘we’. Now he finally understood why it took Roman so long to start practicing again. He berated himself a bit for not realizing sooner. Rand would feel so bad if she found out. Actually, Randy thought this might be the time for Rand to be around. Roman looked like he really needed a hug, and Randy wasn’t sure he wouldn’t get punched for doing so. Ah well they were going to be family - brothers and it was just pay back for making Randy have to see Roman snogging his sister all the time. He put a single arm across Roman’s shoulders. Kind of like how Randy’s dad used to do with him. “Did he best you a lot?”

Randy

Roman answered with a small shake of the head - no, Jay did not win very often. But he was crying too hard to answer verbally and he barely seemed to noticed Randy’s arm across his shoulders. He just wanted to sleep. He seemed to have forgotten about trying to hide his feelings or tears, he was just letting himself cry.

~ Roman

Randy tightened his arm a moment and gave Roman’s arm a single pat. “Is that where you met him? Through Ju Jitsu?” Jay has always been a vague rushed mention. Randy was sure that Rand knew more about it than he did. He wanted to call her, but it would attract too much attention if she walked into the men’s locker room.

Randy

Roman wished she was there, too, but he didn’t want the attention of her walking into the men’s locker room. He’d forgotten that he’d never actually told Randy, only Rand. And only Rand because it had been late at night, when he couldn’t sleep. He shook his head and then took as long of a breath as he could manage, “I… t-took j-jiu jitsu b-because of him. It was h-his idea.” His voice was shaky and cry-y, and it was hard to get the words out around his sobs. He felt Randy pat his arm and reached up, more out of a need to hold onto something than anything else.

~ Roman

Randy let him hold onto his hand. That small thing, all by itself, was a huge step forward for Roman. Even if he may be embarrassed by it later, for the moment he was able to accept the compassion that was being offered. “I would liked to have met someone you respected enough to follow his ideas.” Now that statement could have carried sass and good natured ribbing, but Randy’s voice indicated it was a genuine statement. Roman was polite to everyone, but was very formal and had a strict way of doing things - his way. People he truly respected and would take their advice were few. Randy had a feeling Roman was like that as a child too. So someone Roman liked and respected enough to begin such a life long hobby with had to be someone worth knowing. “How did it all get started?” Talking about it wouldn’t make the grief of Jay’s loss less, but Randy had a feeling that Roman was stuck on remembering the attack instead of all the good things that came before.

Randy

Rand had said something like that, once, too. That he must have been an amazing person for Roman to be friends with him. It was hard for Roman to remember the good things that came before because it was too strong of a reminder that he was gone - that those things were over and gone. And then that was a reminder of the attack and… Things snowballed from there. He picked up the damp cloth again with his other hand and pressed it back up against his face. He’d told Rand that story, once. “We… uhm, we wanted to be more prepared, for joining Starfleet. Like getting an early start.” It was a short version of the answer, interrupted by his crying.

~ Roman

Randy made an affirmative noise, like he agreed with Roman and Jay’s younger selves. “That makes sense. Helps you stand out in your entrance exams. Did you want to do security originally or was this just a get some base training kind of thing?”

Randy

“It was a naive notion by children of what Starfleet actually is.” It was a harsh opinion, told to him many times by his parents. Roman’s crying was starting to slow, mostly because he hadn’t been eating well and he’d really only been drinking his tea so he had already cried himself out. He was exhausted, emotionally as well as physically (both from the lack of sleep and the exercise) and felt terrible. His voice was hollow and sad. “For base training. We… we thought security was boring.”

~ Roman

Randy shook his head, “I don’t think it was nieve at all. Children don’t always have all the facts and details. We don’t provide them because they are young and sensative. They make the best conclusions they can based on what they know. Learning to defend yourself certainly wasn’t nieve and pretty accurate.” He grinned a little, “I have to agree with you. I’ve listened to Tracey talk about her day…I would cry from being so bored. I’m not going to tell her that though.” Randy reached over with one hand and handed Roman an already opened water bottle. “Were you as competitive in your science courses?”

Randy

Roman shook his head quietly as he took the water bottle. The thought made him want to cry all over again. He took a long drink of the water. “More cooperative.” Like with their last project was what he was going to end that with, but it was way too close to the attack. He let out a long sigh and took another drink of the water. “Is this supposed to help somehow…?” If it was, it really wasn’t.

~ Roman

“Eventually,” just like Rand had told him it would seem worse at first and then slowly it got better. “You cannot heal from your loss until you let yourself grieve. It’s like the scar on your abdomen where you were shot,” No Randy was not going to mention his wounds from the Ardent, “It will heal, but the scar will always be there. Sometimes it will even still ache but it won’t be as bad.” Randy breathed in slowly. “You’re a scientist. You have a hypothesis that ignoring and hiding the hurt will make it better. You have enough evidence now to know that hypothesis is wrong. So it’s time to change your approach, your method, maybe even your point of view.”

Randy

Though he may not know it yet, Roman was lucky to have people willing to say these things over and over until he was ready and willing to listen. He gave a long and deep sigh, refusing to look up at Randy, instead studying the bench he was sitting on and the floor. He shook his head, “Not make it better. Make it go away, avoid it. What do you mean, my point of view? What other point of view is there?” Roman was quiet for a moment after that and then spoke quietly and softly, “Sometimes I… I think it would be better if I joined him.”

~ Roman

Survivor Guilt. Randy had suspected for awhile. He squeezed Roman’s shoulders again and resisted the urge to snap off an adamant denial. “I can empathize a little with why you feel that way. But if you had you would never had met Rand. She and I wouldn’t have you in our lives. We would be devastated without you and our lives lacking much. We want you in our lives.”

Roman nodded halfheartedly. On his worst days it was hard to convince himself Rand was truly better off with him in her life. He was starting to cry softly again.

“Making it go away is a type of better because if it goes away it doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t work. Point of view has to do it your mindset. It is sad, tragic. But you can choose to only see the tragedy and pain, or you can feel the loss but also the blessing. The fun and happiness the joy and how he made your life better and be greatful for the time you had. That won’t diminish your loss, but it will celebrate his life.”

Randy

Roman was quiet for a moment, and then shook his head. He didn’t understand how he was supposed to do that. To see the good memories without being painfully reminded that he was gone, and of how. “I don’t know how to do that.” He finished off the water and then wiped his eyes again. “We should go. Before someone else comes in here.” His voice was still hollow and sad, but he would be awfully embarrassed if anyone else saw him this way.

~ Roman

When Roman said he didn’t know how to do that Randy gripped his shoulder. “That’s okay. I’ll help you and so will Rand.” Then he dropped his hand and stood. “Yeah. Let get out of here. I’m sure Rand, at least, is wondering where we are.” He picked up his bag and downed almost all of his water. “Let’s get out of here.” He proceeded Roman out of the locker room, the gym, and towards the nearest lift.

Randy

Roman stood, finished off his water, grabbed his gym bag, and went with Randy toward the lift, keeping his head turned away or down to hide his face. He really wanted to just hug Rand, that always made him feel better. Before long they were stepping off the lift on deck three and Roman was heading into his and Rand’s quarters.

~ Roman

Rand was wondering where they were, but was still mad enough to not feel the need to go looking for them. When the door opened and Randy was with him and neither had had a shower, she started to ask what they had done to each other this time, but the look on Roman’s face stopped her. She knew that look. It was the ‘I lost my brother and my best friend and I don’t know what to do now’ look. She waved Randy away, took the bag from Roman and set it down, led Roman over to the bed to sit, and then hugged him tightly.

Rand

Rand took his bag off his shoulder, plopping it on the table as they passed it. She was taking him to the bed and then coaxed him into sitting down. She hugged him and he put his arms around her, balling his fists into the back of her shirt. He rested his head against her shoulder, relaxing into her, the tears on his face wetting her shirt and stayed there against her, not quite crying but holding her tightly, like he did when he was afraid of losing her, and sadly.

~ Roman

The only thing she could really do was let him hold on tightly. She knew how he felt. It was how she still felt about her grandfather any time she thought about him. That intense aching hole that was left behind. When he bunched his fists into her shirt she pressed closer, holding him tighter, her fingers beusinf the hair at his neck. And she waited.

Rand

Roman didn’t let go for a long time. It was the only thing that helped even a little bit, laying against her and hugging her. When he finally did let her go, he didn’t look better, just tired and sad. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore so he said, voice quiet and hollow, “Randy is learning jiu jitsu quickly.”

~ Roman

Rand knew deflection, she was a master at it. She also figured that Randy had made Roman talk enough so she didn’t feel the need to make him. She also trusted that if Randy felt Roman needed to talk that he would have stayed or taken Roman somewhere else. She nodded, “I’m glad he’s taking it seriously. I hope you’re making him work his tail off for it too.”

Rand

Roman nodded, and there were a few funny things he could say about it but he just wasn’t in the mood. “I hope he keeps going with it.” It was honest, Roman really did like practicing with it… so long as it didn’t do this every time.

~ Roman

Rand gave him a shocked playful look. “Roman you do know that means you will have to continue spending time with him? We can possibly trust Randy to teach himself.” Her tone was light, teasing making fun of Randy and not making too much out of it.

Rand

Roman shrugged. Normally he might have teased her back or teased Randy but today he just said, “He’s good at it. And you’re right, he’ll be safer the more he practices.” He wasn’t sure how much he believed that anymore. It hadn’t helped Jay then, it hadn’t helped Roman with the assassin and it hadn’t helped Roman protect Rand with the assassin. What was the point?

~ Roman

Rand watched his face. She knew that look, the doubt and hopelessness, and the way the mind got stuck in a negative spiral. She lived and fought with it everyday. She placed a hand on his cheek and kissed him briefly. “Don’t. Don’t go down that road of thought. I know I live there and you don’t want to join me. Until humans invent a way to accurately tell the future we can only do our best.” She kissed him again, this time lingering and gentle. A promise. Eventually she pulled back slightly. “Do you want me to make tea? We can watch a movie or just go to sleep?”

Rand

Roman hugged her again when she put her hand on his cheek and kissed him. “How can I-” he’d started, but then she was kissing him again, a longer and gentle kiss that left him melting into her once again. “Tea sounds good,” he said softly. He wanted to sleep, because that was the only way to get away from it, but he didn’t want to go to bed because that would only bring nightmares especially after a hard day, so he shrugged.

~ Roman

“Why don’t you take a shower while I make the tea. Then we’ll watch Angels and Demons again.” It was one of Roman’s favorite movies, it made you think and was suspenseful, but they had seen it so he could zone out a bit. “I managed to acquire Inferno and The Lost Symbol for the ship and the data disks finally arrived. So we can watch those as well whenever we want.” She hoped it was something he could look forward to. She hugged him and then stood up and moved over to the counter to start making tea. She would make it extra strong tonight, and hopefully that would help him relax better.

Rand

Roman nodded and stood, hugged her again and headed for the bathroom. Those were movies he had hoped the ship would be able to acquire after they’d watched the first movies in the same series. It was something he had looked forward to, in fact he didn’t know she had already requested them, but could currently muster little excitement for.

Rand wasn’t expecting too much excitement right then but she hoped maybe later. While Roman went into the shower, she filled the tea kettle and turned it on for the water to boil. She pulled two mugs out along with the tea and infusers. However some how they had run-out of honey. So Rand went back into the cabinet for the sugar. She moved over to the desk and pulled out a small note pad where she left notes for herself so she wouldn’t forget and added asking Gorshin for honey to the list.

The shower took him about fifteen minutes, and then he took another five to dry off. He hadn’t remembered to grab clothes so he simply wrapped the towel around his waist and headed out to the closet. The shower had helped a little bit, but it also looked like he might’ve cried again in there.

~ Roman

Rand had changed into something comfortable, a knee length, short sleeved soft cotton nightgown. She had already set up the movie while the leaves were steeping in their cups. She was in the process of removing the infusers when Roman came out of the shower. She happened to look up ay him as she was setting them on a plate. The met infusers dropped to the plate with a loud clatter and bounced and rolled along the table. Rand turned back, her hair falling forward, hiding her embarrassment. She snatched up the infusers that were still hot and dropped them quickly to the plate and grabbed a towel to clean up the water and leaves that had been spilled. She grabbed the sugar bowl and stirred until the crystals were dissolved.

Roman knew exactly why Rand dropped the infusers. It was a little boost that felt really good right then. He switched the towel for a pair of boxer underwear and then headed for bed.

She picked up both cups and brought them over to the bed. That was when she noticed that he had been crying again. She felt bad, he was hurting, she should not be oggling - no matter how hot she thought he looked. She moved over to him and hugged him again. When he was ready, Rand started the movie.

Rand

Roman hugged her tightly and stayed there for a while. Then he lay down, propping himself up against the headboard so he could drink the tea and let Rand start the movie. He sipped the tea while the movie was on. Rand had made it strong, he was glad for that. He almost wished it were a strong Scottish coffee. Anything so he could just sleep.

~ Roman

Rand sat up next to him, hugging him, only half watching the movie. Instead she was watching him. She only sipped her tea, not wanting to fall asleep and leave him alone. It was also why she hadn’t taken her hypo yet. She didn’t want to add the reminder that she could sleep without the nightmares....

Roman wasn’t really watching the movie either. He was trying, but he just couldn’t focus on it. He wasn’t sure why but it felt like he’d just lost Jay all over again and he wasn’t interested in doing much of anything. He was trying not to cry more than he already had, it was making him feel unwell because of how little he had been eating and drinking. The exercise of teaching Randy hadn’t helped how well he felt either. He remembered her hypo about a quarter way through the movie but planned to suggest it in a little while. He couldn’t let himself forget again. She didn’t have to suffer like he did.

She could see the struggle. Roman was tired, he wanted to sleep, but also dreaded it. She didn’t lift her head from his shoulder, her fingers twisting nervously in the blanket. “Roman…? Maybe…just tonight…you could try my medicine?....if it doesn’t work....well nothing changes....but…um…you.... today has been…hard.” She licked her lips nervously. “If it works then you can sleep all night....if it does or not you don’t have to try it again....”

Rand

Roman was exhausted. He hadn’t slept well in far too long. He had an arm around her and he squeezed her tighter to him when he noticed the way she was twisting the blankets around her fingers. He looked down at her when she said his name. Then he shook his head. “You need it.” He sighed softly, “I’ll be fine.”

~ Roman

Rand liked the way he tightened his arm around her, and she stopped twisting the blankets. She looked up at him when he said she needed it. “I didn’t say I wasn’t going to take it. I can get more from Randy. You need it too. I’ll take my dose, promise. But you could try, just once?”

Rand

Roman looked at her, hesitating before responding. He didn’t want to say yes, but he didn’t like saying no to her. Instead he shrugged, “Does it really seem like I need something like that, that much?” He was trying to come up with excuses. He wasn’t even sure why. It might help, it was even tempting, the idea of actually being able to sleep. But he couldn’t make himself just say yes.

~ Roman

Rand thought he did. The only difference between them was that Roman didn’t scream when he woke up. He jerked awake in a sweat and gasping. So she had to be careful how she worded it. “Did I seem like I needed it? When I woke up from nightmares every night and couldn’t get back to sleep? Even with my eyes open you knew all I could see was my nightmares?” Of course he did. That’s why he told Randy to give it to her. Her fingers started twisting again. She knew he didn’t like the idea. It was hard for him to deal with and she did not like pushing. “Yes it does…to me. You haven’t had enough sleep and it shows. A single good night is worth a trial run....isn’t it?”

Rand

Roman nodded and hugged her, the reminder of watching her go through that unwelcome. “You were terrified of them, it was affecting your anxiety and your sleep.” Trying to push the topic was making her anxious, he could tell by the way she starting twisting the blanket in her fingers again. Despite how she phrased it, she really, really thought he needed this or she wouldn’t be pushing it at all. He still didn’t like the idea. It was his sickbay-and-anything-related-to-it phobia talking but he was unaware of that. He looked conflicted as he said, “I don’t know.”

~ Roman

Rand looked up at him, her head still in his shoulder. Her look was soft but concerned. “You are too, or you wouldn’t work yourself till you passout. It’s affecting your work and your sleep. I don’t want a worse accident than the chinzilla.” She was really worried about him. “Today was really hard,” obviously, “a little extra help to go with the tea isn’t so bad.”

Rand

Roman looked away and shrugged awkwardly. He couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t. It was like reliving the worst time of his life repeatedly, every night, of course he was terrified of them. “There won’t be another accident.” He leaned into her then and sighed. “I’ll be okay. Your tea is fantastic, as always.” His tea glass was already empty. He smiled at her, his best attempt at confidence he did not currently feel. “Today was hard, but I’ll be fine. I always am.”

~ Roman