Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Paying for Our Sins
Posted by… suppressed (13) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman hadn’t meant to hit him in the head, he’d been aiming for the shoulder. He looked quickly apologetic, “You alright?”

Randy nodded, “Yeah yeah I’m alright. My fault, you warned me that the instinct to duck isn’t always the safest or most useful reaction.”

Then he explained, “In a sporting situation, head shots and and certain other… sensitive areas are off-limits. However if you’re in a self defense situation, you throw those rules out. They’re aiming to hurt you, you aim to hurt them, if only enough to stop them from hurting you.” Roman was trained enough he could purposefully break bones if he needed to, though he’d rather not. Going back into teaching mode seemed to help him a little but he still looked upset and unfocused.

“Civilization goes out the window in other words. It all becomes survival.” Randy got that and agreed with it. He just had never been much of a fighter, and so never had interest in martial arts. He preferred that old saying about being a lover not a fighter.

Roman shrugged, “Basically, yes. It isn’t ideal but Rand sent us here for me to teach you to defend yourself, since you can’t talk everyone to death.” He managed a little grin with his statement.

He remembered when he and Jay had first been given that lesson. They were twelve, and their instructor had caught them talking about their Starfleet plans. He’d warned them then that if you only knew sport martial arts it may actually not be helpful in actually dangerous situations. Jay and Roman had read about that though, and said that they teach you hand to hand in Academy.

Not that any of it had done Jay any good in the end, Roman thought, unable to push it away before it pushed him over the edge and the tears he’d been holding back burst out, with Roman hurrying to hide it before anyone else in the gym noticed.

~ Roman

Randy was always quick thinking and saw the look on Roman’s face before Roman turned. He rubbed at his head. “Ach, time ta stop, I’m gettin’ slow. Tired is good for later not exhaustion.” He picked up his bag and followed Roman toward the locker room. “Coisich, na ruith.”

Roman started to head to the locker room after Randy said he was ‘getting slow’. He was pretty sure it was a cover, and that thought was confirmed when he heard Randy’s voice in Gaelic behind him: ‘Walk, don’t run.’ Roman was deliberately trying to look as normal as possible, his head bowed down to hide his face but more in a way as though to pretend he was tired.

Inside the locker room Randy led him toward a quiet corner, grabbing Roman’s bag as they passed it. He put a hand in his shoulder and encouraged Roman to sit. Then he sat across from him and waited. Rummaging around for a couple of water bottles.

Randy

Roman was going to reach for his bag and leave, but Randy was instead guiding him into a quieter corner of the room and he grabbed Roman’s bag when they passed it. Roman was embarrassed. He didn’t allow this sort of thing in front of other people, it wasn’t acceptable, and he was in no place to remember Rand’s advice about what to do with his parents’ judgemental opinions. He was struggling with the grief and the guilt and he couldn’t stop crying so he did it as quietly as he could, taking long shaky breaths to try and stop the shaking of his shoulders.

~ Roman

Randy didn’t say anything. Well that wasn’t true, any time the door opened Randy would somehow be in the middle of some outlandish claim as if still goading Alden on. It was only twice that the door opened though. Otherwise he stayed quiet letting him have the freedom for grief to rage. Randy stepped away, but not gone, then returned and set a hand on his shoulder, gripping it tightly a moment and then set a damp cloth in Roman’s hand before resuming his seat.

Randy

The two times the door opened Roman made a harder (and still failed) effort to stop but Randy had it covered, making absurd claims in attempts Roman recognized as theatrical or fake, to pretend they were still taunting and goading each other. Then he stepped away for a moment and Roman did not look up, but he hadn’t heard the door so he knew Randy hadn’t left. Still he felt the need to look up when Randy touched his shoulder and then ducked his head again when he saw it was Randy. He felt a cold, damp cloth pressed into his hand and took it, bringing the cloth to his face and sniffing hard, trying again to calm himself.

~ Roman

When the sobs finally seemed to let up, “Tell me what you were thinking.” Randy wasn’t going to press too hard, Roman was exhausted, but if he could get him to talk a little bit it would be good.

Randy

Roman set the cloth against his forehead and, after quickly checking that the locker room was still empty, tipped his head back and took a deep breath. He was still crying, but not as hard. It took him several moments to respond, but, surprisingly, it was an actual attempt to answer. “Oh.” He glanced uncomfortably at Randy and then wiped his eyes, sniffing again. “It was, um…” His voice choked and trailed off and he started crying again. “I-it was… we used to p-practice together…” The words were managed through new sobs, and then he dropped his head again, covering his face, which dropped the cloth into his lap. He just wanted to be asleep, to get away from it, but it didn’t work that way.

~ Roman

Randy waited, listening, giving him time to talk rather than rushing. Roman didn’t need to say Jay’s name for him to know that was the other half of the ‘we’. Now he finally understood why it took Roman so long to start practicing again. He berated himself a bit for not realizing sooner. Rand would feel so bad if she found out. Actually, Randy thought this might be the time for Rand to be around. Roman looked like he really needed a hug, and Randy wasn’t sure he wouldn’t get punched for doing so. Ah well they were going to be family - brothers and it was just pay back for making Randy have to see Roman snogging his sister all the time. He put a single arm across Roman’s shoulders. Kind of like how Randy’s dad used to do with him. “Did he best you a lot?”

Randy

Roman answered with a small shake of the head - no, Jay did not win very often. But he was crying too hard to answer verbally and he barely seemed to noticed Randy’s arm across his shoulders. He just wanted to sleep. He seemed to have forgotten about trying to hide his feelings or tears, he was just letting himself cry.

~ Roman

Randy tightened his arm a moment and gave Roman’s arm a single pat. “Is that where you met him? Through Ju Jitsu?” Jay has always been a vague rushed mention. Randy was sure that Rand knew more about it than he did. He wanted to call her, but it would attract too much attention if she walked into the men’s locker room.

Randy

Roman wished she was there, too, but he didn’t want the attention of her walking into the men’s locker room. He’d forgotten that he’d never actually told Randy, only Rand. And only Rand because it had been late at night, when he couldn’t sleep. He shook his head and then took as long of a breath as he could manage, “I… t-took j-jiu jitsu b-because of him. It was h-his idea.” His voice was shaky and cry-y, and it was hard to get the words out around his sobs. He felt Randy pat his arm and reached up, more out of a need to hold onto something than anything else.

~ Roman

Randy let him hold onto his hand. That small thing, all by itself, was a huge step forward for Roman. Even if he may be embarrassed by it later, for the moment he was able to accept the compassion that was being offered. “I would liked to have met someone you respected enough to follow his ideas.” Now that statement could have carried sass and good natured ribbing, but Randy’s voice indicated it was a genuine statement. Roman was polite to everyone, but was very formal and had a strict way of doing things - his way. People he truly respected and would take their advice were few. Randy had a feeling Roman was like that as a child too. So someone Roman liked and respected enough to begin such a life long hobby with had to be someone worth knowing. “How did it all get started?” Talking about it wouldn’t make the grief of Jay’s loss less, but Randy had a feeling that Roman was stuck on remembering the attack instead of all the good things that came before.

Randy

Rand had said something like that, once, too. That he must have been an amazing person for Roman to be friends with him. It was hard for Roman to remember the good things that came before because it was too strong of a reminder that he was gone - that those things were over and gone. And then that was a reminder of the attack and… Things snowballed from there. He picked up the damp cloth again with his other hand and pressed it back up against his face. He’d told Rand that story, once. “We… uhm, we wanted to be more prepared, for joining Starfleet. Like getting an early start.” It was a short version of the answer, interrupted by his crying.

~ Roman

Randy made an affirmative noise, like he agreed with Roman and Jay’s younger selves. “That makes sense. Helps you stand out in your entrance exams. Did you want to do security originally or was this just a get some base training kind of thing?”

Randy

“It was a naive notion by children of what Starfleet actually is.” It was a harsh opinion, told to him many times by his parents. Roman’s crying was starting to slow, mostly because he hadn’t been eating well and he’d really only been drinking his tea so he had already cried himself out. He was exhausted, emotionally as well as physically (both from the lack of sleep and the exercise) and felt terrible. His voice was hollow and sad. “For base training. We… we thought security was boring.”

~ Roman

Randy shook his head, “I don’t think it was nieve at all. Children don’t always have all the facts and details. We don’t provide them because they are young and sensative. They make the best conclusions they can based on what they know. Learning to defend yourself certainly wasn’t nieve and pretty accurate.” He grinned a little, “I have to agree with you. I’ve listened to Tracey talk about her day…I would cry from being so bored. I’m not going to tell her that though.” Randy reached over with one hand and handed Roman an already opened water bottle. “Were you as competitive in your science courses?”

Randy

Roman shook his head quietly as he took the water bottle. The thought made him want to cry all over again. He took a long drink of the water. “More cooperative.” Like with their last project was what he was going to end that with, but it was way too close to the attack. He let out a long sigh and took another drink of the water. “Is this supposed to help somehow…?” If it was, it really wasn’t.

~ Roman

“Eventually,” just like Rand had told him it would seem worse at first and then slowly it got better. “You cannot heal from your loss until you let yourself grieve. It’s like the scar on your abdomen where you were shot,” No Randy was not going to mention his wounds from the Ardent, “It will heal, but the scar will always be there. Sometimes it will even still ache but it won’t be as bad.” Randy breathed in slowly. “You’re a scientist. You have a hypothesis that ignoring and hiding the hurt will make it better. You have enough evidence now to know that hypothesis is wrong. So it’s time to change your approach, your method, maybe even your point of view.”

Randy

Though he may not know it yet, Roman was lucky to have people willing to say these things over and over until he was ready and willing to listen. He gave a long and deep sigh, refusing to look up at Randy, instead studying the bench he was sitting on and the floor. He shook his head, “Not make it better. Make it go away, avoid it. What do you mean, my point of view? What other point of view is there?” Roman was quiet for a moment after that and then spoke quietly and softly, “Sometimes I… I think it would be better if I joined him.”

~ Roman