Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: A Secret is a Prison
Posted by… suppressed (32) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman walked her back up to their quarters. On the way, he grinned at her and said, “No medical restrictions… That means I can carry you whenever I like.” Back up in their quarters he sat with her on the bed for a few minutes. “I need to go back to the lab now,” he said with a sigh. He’d stay if he could but he’d already put off hours of work.

~ Roman

Rand turned red and looked up at him from the corner of her eye wondering if that was a warning that she was about to be picked up. Rand thought if Roman had his way she’d forget how to walk because he’d carry her everywhere. Before she sat down she made her way over to Pipkin’s cage and let her out. She didn’t want to have to get up and let her out later. Then she sat down next to him and leaned against him, slipping an arm around his waist for just a few minutes. When he said he had to get back to the lab she sat up and nodded with small smile. “I know. I’m sorry I kept you gone so long.” If Rand had known she wouldn’t have asked him to come. She was glad he did because now his own evaluations were over. She kissed him before he left.

No, he didn’t pick her up this time, but her blush and the thought made him smile. He wasn’t sure why he liked carrying her, he just did. He leaned into her while they sat together and then hugged her when she apologized, shaking his head. “I wanted to be there for you.”

Rand didn’t want to get up, but she knew she should eat something after that long session. She grabbed a water and a granola bar. She sat on the edge of the bed and slipped her shoes off. Pipkin hopped onto the bed and she nosed at Rand for a treat. Rand reached into Roman’s bedside table and pulled out the container of treats Pipkin liked so much and gave her two. “No more. You won’t eat your food if I do.” She put her water beside the bed and then she slept until Randy came to check on her a few hours later.

Rand

Roman headed back to the lab. Things had piled up while he was gone and he was busy the rest of the day. He didn’t mind the distraction from everything. He was still in the lab by 2000, reading over reports from his department.

~ Roman

With Randy’s help, Rand had been able to get the reports prepared and make it to her meeting with Rogers. After Randy offered to walk her down to the labs. “No, if he’s not back already he probably has work piled up.” She sank into a chair, all the extra time on the computer had given her a mild but persistent headache. “I am going to take a shower and then go to bed.”

“Rand,” Randy shook a finger at her, “you need to eat.”

“Fine, you go get it while I shower and I’ll eat. Shoo.” Rand disappeared into the bathroom. Randy brought her food and made sure she started eating before he left. He went by the lab and found Roman. “Rand wanted me to tell you she still doesn’t feel great after earlier so she didn’t think it was safe to come see the animals. She took a shower and went was planning to go to bed.”

Rand

Roman nodded and gestured to what he was doing. “I’m nearly done. Is she okay?” Did this need doing right that minute? Probably not, but like last year he was using work to avoid his own problems and feelings. As much as he was missing the time with Rand, using work to run away and hide from things was comfortable.

~ Roman

“Oh yeah. Just spent a lot of extra time in front of the computer today. She managed to do her evening rounds and meeting with a little help. And the physical eval wore her out. I think she will be fine tomorrow.” Randy gave him a long look, but decided not to ask him, in the lab, if he was okay. “Do you need anything Cmdr before I finish my shift?”

Randy

Roman nodded, relieved she was doing okay. Randy stood over him, quiet for a moment, and then spoke and Roman shook his head. “No,” he said, and nearly added ‘have a good night, Ensign,’ at the end, but that was way too impersonal for Randy so instead he looked up, offered a little half smile, and said, “I’ll be done soon anyway.”

Being called Ensign wouldn’t have bothered Randy. He filled many roles in his interactions with Roman and understood the need for firm lines at times. “Aye, Sir.” Then he left.

He didn’t finish up for another hour, and then once he had he headed back up to their quarters. All said and done he was quietly going in the door to their quarters at 2120, and peeked to see if Rand was already asleep, because if she was he didn’t want to wake her.

~ Roman

Rand looked asleep, but the lights were on and a reader’s theatre was playing. There was a half eaten plate of food. Pipkin sat up on her hind legs from where she was cuddles against her. The movement caused Rand to open her eyes and sit up. “Hi.”

Rand

Roman smiled when she sat up, sitting next to her. “How was your day? I heard you did evening rounds.” He asked. He noticed the plate, she’d eaten decently at least. Hearing the reader’s theatre playing made him happy too - it was just such a normal thing for her to do. The hypocrisy of worrying about what she’d eaten when he hadn’t at all that day was not lost on him.

~ Roman

“I slept mostly and stayed off the computer. I did do my rounds. Randy had to help me with the reports. The screen went blurry.” It felt like a win to her. She might have needed help and slept the rest of the day, but she managed to finish her duties and that was important to Rand. She saw him glance at the table. She ducked her head a little and shrugged apologetically. “I wanted to wait for you, but Randy insisted. He reminded me you would probably work late and I shouldn’t fall asleep without eating.” Rand was being oddly compliant about following directions and behaving. She grinned as Pipkin hopped over to Roman and started sniffing. “I shared a little of my salad with her. Were you able to get everything done after my appointment?”

Rand

Roman smiled and shook his head, “I’m glad you didn’t wait. I like eating with you, but I’d rather you eat than miss out because you were waiting for me.” Then he nodded. “Everything got done, just took a little longer than expected.” Rand was being very compliant, which, again, hypocritically made Roman happy. He gave Pipkin a little pet as the bunny started sniffing him, “I hope you’re not spoiling her with treats and salads.” He said, smiling again.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t say anything. She sat there, eyes innocently wide, her cheeks slightly pink, and her accent suddenly lilting out. “Spoil her? Veggies are good for her.” She was SO guilty.

Rand

Roman gave her a playful look and shook his head. “She’ll beg every time we eat.” He said, but really, he spoiled her too sometimes, and Rand would know it. He yawned, looking tired but not wanting to go to bed. “What play were you listening to?”

~ Roman

A giggle, happy and light hearted, came from Rand. “She already begs when we eat. She knows Gorshin sends her goodies. But I was good, I didn’t feed her from the table.” No Rand had just sat on the bed with Pipkin in her lap and fed her. At his question she reached over to the controls and paused the playback. She wasn’t listening anymore anyway. “Oh, it’s a dramatic reading of ‘Gulliver’s Travels’. I wanted something… unfamiliar.” She still refused to read her old scripts or watch/listen to any production of them. If she didn’t try to read or watch them then she didn’t have to deal with how upsetting it was that she couldn’t remember. She was avoiding the unpleasantness. Rand was still being stubborn about it.

Rand

Roman looked at her and smiled a little. “Still no Brave? Or Romeo and Juliet? Or… Pride and Prejudice?” He asked. He knew she hadn’t looked at, read, watched, or listened to, her old scripts since her attack. “You know.... reading them might help things come back.” He commented. There were some books, TV shows, he didn’t watch anymore. Reminded him too much of… the past.

~ Roman

Rand looked away, at Pipkin, the table, her hands. She was avoiding her scripts the way Roman avoided talking about the Ardent. “I…I…” She supposed if Roman could get through his eval, she could try. “I guess I could try… tomorrow?”

Rand

Roman smiled at that. “I want to be there when you do. I’ll run lines with you. Like we used to.” He offered. “After my shift. I’ll be off on time tomorrow… or close to it.” He wasn’t late off shift every day, but increasingly frequently. He claimed he was just busy. He didn’t like watching her avoid her scripts. They used to make her happy, she used to love them. Now she would barely look at them. He wouldn’t let her get like he was.

~ Roman

Oh…that wasn’t what Rand was meaning. She could just try to read them alone. She did not want to run lines. They did make her happy, but now it made her anxious and sick. She couldn’t remember, it was like a piece, the most important piece of herself had been amputated. It was gone and she knew it was missing, but couldn’t remember what it was like to have it. But doing things like they used to was so incredibly tempting. To be normal again. After his shift....but…wait…”What about visiting the animals?”

Rand

“We can still visit the animals. You usually only spend an hour or two doing that.” Even if he was late, they’d have plenty of time to read a play. He looked at her and smiled. “It’ll be fun.” He was not letting her avoid it. He’d been letting her avoid it for too long already.

~ Roman

It didn’t sound like fun. It sounded like staring in the mirror and not seeing yourself. Like torture. Rand’s anxiety was rising, clearly indicated by the fact she wasn’t looking at him, and got really quiet, wringing her hands into a white knuckled grasp. Her thoughts churned and spiralled. There was only one escape and that was sleep. She yawned, and it was obviously fake. She couldn’t make it convincing,she did remember how. “I’m tired, I’m ready for bed.” She was, it had been a long day, but it was also an excuse.

She crawled into bed, under the blanket, determined to go to sleep and not deal with her scripts.

Rand

Roman crawled into bed next to her and put his arm around her. “Don’t stress about it. It’ll be okay.” He was tired but he didn’t want to sleep. Her yawn was fake but he knew she was tired. It wouldn’t help to press any more, not tonight. But he wasn’t going to let her avoid them forever. He couldn’t watch her make the same mistakes he always did.

~ Roman

Rand fell asleep quickly, she didn’t want to think about it or talk about it, and so gave herself up to sleep. She did not sleep quietly that night, she never took the hypo. No night terrors, but dark, anxious, upsetting dreams made her sleep restless. She woke in the darkness, heart racing, breath shallow. She laid quietly in the dark until her heart slowed, hoping she hadn’t disturbed Roman.

Rand

It took a while for Roman to fall asleep and a short time for him to be awake again, shaking and sweating. He was still trying to calm himself when she woke. He noticed when she did and immediately felt bad. “We forgot your meds, didn’t we? I’m sorry.” He said and hugged her.

~ Roman

Rand rolled to her side as he hugged her, slipping her arm around him. They had forgotten, in truth Rand hadn’t even thought about the medication. Roman took care of it, and she let him. She started to tell him that he was not responsible for her taking her meds, and then she realized that she had been relying on him to take care of a lot of things since she got hurt. It had been necessary, she couldn’t remember when to take things or if she did she couldn’t remember if she had already taken or done things or not. Roman and Randy had had to take care of things. She hadn’t been capable of it at first. She pressed closer with a small sigh. Now that she was doing better she would have to make a conscious effort to be responsible for even the little things. “It’s okay. At…at least we know it works. I didn’t....” she started to say I didn’t wake you did I? when she realized she had not. Roman’s shirt was damp with sweat and there was a specific type of shakiness to the tone of his voice. Realizing he’d been having a night mare, she propped herself up on her arm, looking down at him in the dark. “Roman? Why didn’t you wake me? I would sit up with you.” Then she kissed his neck and laid back down hugging him tightly.

Rand

Roman had never mind taking care of things for her, though it made him sad he had to. But lately he had been getting tired enough, mistakes like this were more likely. He hugged her again when she pressed closer. “I’ll remember tomorrow night. Promise.” He nodded as she spoke, it did serve as an interesting test - like proof the stuff really did what Randy said it did. Then she trailed off and propped herself up, so she was looking down at him. He sighed softly and looked up at her, tucking his head into her shoulder and hugging her as she leaned back down with him. “You need your sleep. You’re doing so well… I didn’t want to worry you, make things harder for you.”

~ Roman

“Roman....I love you. I know you are worried about me too, but I’m sleeping okay now. It won’t make things harder. You don’t have to make things harder for yourself because you are worried about me.” She pressed another kiss to him. “I will set an alarm so we don’t forget my medicine again.” She would rather not need it, but she needed to consider her actions and choices and what the consequences might be. She didn’t want to be in the hospital again.

Rand

Pressed up against him she could feel him shaking still though less than when he first woke up. The way she said it reminded him how much he’d missed her worry. Roman hugged her again, tight, and nodded against her. “Okay.” He sighed and propped himself up a little bit so he could see her a little better. “They.... I’ve had a lot of them lately.” He admitted, his voice quiet. This would be a great time to come clean about the burns too… she’d be mad but if he told her… but he couldn’t make the words come out.

~ Roman

Rand laid against him and hugged him tight for long quiet moments. Her hand reached over and grasped his and she began to squeeze his hand in rhythm to her breathing. She remembered doing this with him, for his leg, before everything became terrifying.

Roman lay quietly with her. He gripped her hand when she reached hers out for it. The cyclic squeezing of his hand was calming to him - even more so now than it had been when he’d been in for his leg because it was familiar. Eventually his breathing deepened to match hers, and he relaxed, the shaking slowly stopping.

When Roman stopped shaking, she moved her head on his shoulder a little. “You can tell me if you want. I know it seems impossible to put to words, but it might help.” Then she kissed his cheek and went back to breathing with him and squeezing his hand.

Rand

“Did it help you? To tell me?” Roman asked, sighing again, resting his head gently against her. He sounded like he was quickly getting tired now that he was relaxing again, though there was still a note of anxiety in his voice. He put his free arm around her in a partial hug, leaving his other hand in hers.

~ Roman

Rand wanted to sit up, curl into herself, wring her hands because she didn’t like to talk about it, but she needed to stay relaxed for Roman. She was quiet while she considered his question seriously. “At first it was really hard. It was hard because I didn’t want to remember what I was remembering. It was difficult to find words to describe how I felt and why. Partly because the memories were disconnected and strange and didn’t make sense. Also it was hard because I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, how it made me feel. Scared and helpless and weak and small and paranoid. I was afraid that if I told others would see how weak and silly and childish I was for being afraid, that my nightmares weren’t anything to be afraid of.” She squeezed his hand hard.

Roman knew exactly what she meant because it was a lot like how he felt. He squeezed her hand back.

“I know you wouldn’t do that, but I was worried about that anyway.” She took a little breath cuddling closer for a minute. “And the rest of the night it was harder. I think because the memories were more vivid because I had talked about them. After, though, the next time, it got easier. No..not…”

She shifted trying to find a way to explain. “The nightmares didn’t get easier, or maybe they did, slowly, but when I would wake up from them…was easier, I could breathe easier. I could calm down faster because I knew you knew what was wrong. You knew exactly what was going on in my head, what I was afraid of. I didn’t feel so....alone with the memories. You were there before and never made me feel alone. I just…I wasn’t the only one that could see the invisible monster anymore. You could see it to.” Rand really didn’t know if that made sense to him at all, but it was how she felt about it. “Yes, it did help.”

Rand

Roman nodded, he remembered from last year after she had finally gotten him to tell her about it. It had been different then, instead of having her right there he’d wait until he’d calmed himself down, mostly, and then go to her door. But it still helped to have someone there who knew what was going on. He cuddled further into her, the conversation making him nervous. “I have told you, though. Last year.”

~ Roman

Rand nodded speaking softly. “I remember. I…I didn’t mean you had to tell me again…just if you wanted or felt like you needed to talk, I’ll listen.” She could tell though he was less relaxed. So she breathed with him again, and then quietly began to tell him another story about her childhood animals.

Rand

He sighed softly. “No.” His voice was wavering like he might cry. He lay against her then, trying to focus on breathing with her. As she told him another story, he started to relax again, and then finally, fell asleep, snuggled up against her. He was asleep again for several hours and then woke with another nightmare in the early morning.

~ Roman

Rand was awake as the nightmare started. She hadn’t avoided going back to sleep nor had he woken her. She had just slept a lot the day before and had woken back up on her own. She whispered quietly to him, hugging him tightly but trying not to restrict his movement. She didn’t know what would make it worse or better. “You’re okay now, Roman. Wherever you are seeing you aren’t there now. Your leg is all better now. You’re safe. You’re on the Sentinel, in our quarters with me. Come back to me, you’re safe here. I love you.” She repeated it over and over, speaking gently in rhythm, squeezing his hand.

Rand

Her words seemed to help. He was sweating again, but he wasn’t tossing and turning so much. When he woke, he tried to sit up and realized quickly he was held back by her arms, so instead he rolled into her and hugged her tightly, pressing himself into her. When he’d started to calm down again, he sighed. “I might as well get moving for the morning.”

~ Roman

Rand held him close until he was ready to move. She sat up with him. “Do you want to go for a walk? I can’t run yet, but we could walk or actually get breakfast together.” Little details were coming easier for her now. Like Roman liked to hide in his work when things were bad, but she would spend extra time with him if he wanted.

Rand

“Let’s go for a walk.” Sometimes the movement helped, and he really didn’t feel hungry, so the idea of breakfast was unappealing. He didn’t need to worry her more than he already had and he wouldn’t be able to hide his eating habits now that she’d noticed the nightmares. He spent another moment just laying against her, and then he stood and stretched, and then went into the closet and got a uniform, then into the bathroom. The action reminded him, again, of the other thing he hadn’t told her about yet. He was being a chicken about it, but he still could not bring himself to do it. He stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, dressed with his hair combed.

~ Roman

Rand took the time he was in the bathroom to change into her uniform. She sat to pull her boots on and then stood. She looked around and spotted Pipkin playing in her maze. “Oh come here little girl. Ya gonna get back in yer cage.” Rand bent over to pick her up and immediately realized that was a bad idea. Pipkin was only a couple of pounds and under Rand’s weight limit, but Rand needed a hand to steady herself. Pipkin started kicking her back legs and when Rand suddenly let go to use her other hand to support the rabbit, she lost her balance and the floor spun just a bit. She managed to set Pipkin down without hurting her and then sat down carefully on the floor.

When Roman came out, Rand was back on her feet. She needed to brush her hair and headed into the bathroom. “Could you put Pipkin up? I tried but I don’t think she agreed with being put in her cage.”

It took Rand a couple minutes but she managed to brush and braid her hair. It was a loose braid, but kept it out of her face.

Rand