Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in Thought
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman wasn’t sure what to pick by that description, so he chose a comedy out of the computer’s memory bank and put it on. He didn’t usually like comedies, but he’d watch anything with her. He sat down on the bed next to her and settled in to watch the movie.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t really watch the movie, she just stared at the screen. She was aware of the colors and sounds and movement, that the same faces appeared in each scene, but she didn’t process any of it. She just drank the coffee and tried to be distracted. About half an hour in, 15 minutes after she finished the coffee, Rand realized she never told Roman she didn’t drink. That when she made coffee for herself it was without the whisky. Alcohol made her anxiety worse, so if she did add it, it was less than a quarter of a shot she put in her coffee. So when she reached to put the empty cup on the side table and her head swam the word ‘whoops’ flitted across her mind. Scenes that were funny, whether the situation or the character, made her since in embarrassment. Physically the coffee helped her relax and she was leaned over, head on his shoulder.

Roman wasn’t watching either, lost still in his own thoughts. That was why he liked to work, until he couldn’t work anymore. It gave his mind something else to focus on and drowned out those thoughts he couldn’t deal with. Rand leaned over on him and he put his arm around her. It probably wasn’t noticeable, but just because he hadn’t been eating enough he felt shaky.

She grabbed his hand, her mind wandering else where. She knew why she liked Roman so much at first, why she loved him. He was so sure of himself, confident, knew exactly what to do, stubborn to a fault, and never made her feel inadequate for being shy. Just like her grandfather. That thought brought back her dreams and the tears. She thought her grandfather controlled the sun; there was nothing stronger than him. Then suddenly he wasn’t and then he was gone because of a blood clot that he wouldn’t listen to the doctors about. What if that was Roman? The alcohol was already making her heart pound more (she was such a light weight), the thought kicked in her anxiety and panic even though she tried to make herself watch the movie, and it was hard to breathe. She didn’t want Roman to worry, this was so pointless, it was a long time ago, and Randy was right. She couldn’t take care of her grandfather, she couldn’t fix Roman’s trauma. No amount of usefulness replaced self responsibility, but that didn’t take the guilt away. She tried to hold her breath for a few seconds to find a rhythm but it didn’t work.

Rand

Rand grabbed his hand. Roman could tell her anxiety was going up by her breathing. He tightened his arm around her and squeezed her hand in rhythm with his own breaths. It didn’t matter why she was anxious. Roman just had to make her feel better. Then she would tell him when she was ready, if she wanted to.

~ Roman

Rand closed her eyes and concentrated on the feel of his arm around her and the rhythm of his hand squeezing hers. “Why are you shaking?… Are…are you upset with me?” What Rand was noticing was simply the ripple of muscle and tendon as Roman’s hand flexed and relaxed. But in her overly anxious state Rand was confusing that with held in tension and mistaking that for anger or disappointment. Then she started to ramble. Everything that usually went through her head, her mouth decided to say. Everything she thought about what she had done or not and if that was what she should have done. It came out choppy because she wasn’t breathing smoothly. The whole thing ended with, “My grandfather,” and her voice broke on the word, “used to do that…his arms would…shake because he…he was frustrated that I couldn’t calm down. He said it was because he was worried about me, but I was always afraid he was lying to be nice…I didn’t mean to upset you. You can go to work. You love your work, it’s more fun than work for you. Except paperwork. I’ll help, I promise. I…I don’t have…have to be off today.”

Rand

Roman looked at her when she asked why he was shaking, but then she asked if he was upset and he smiled. He let her ramble patiently waiting for her to finish. “I’m not upset at all. I’m enjoying a morning with you, anxious or not.” It was tempting to go to work. That was what he wanted to do. But he shook his head. “It’s only 0800. I can stay longer. And you’re not going to be doing any working today.” He could tell she was at least tipsy. He didn’t know why, because he didn’t know that she usually skipped the whisky, but he could tell that alcohol was hitting her.

~ Roman

She was ruining his morning with her anxiety. She should have left when he woke her up. She could have sat in her office, by herself, and freaked out where no one could see. It was just a stupid dream (but it really wasn’t). She was breathing really hard, her breath strained. She was gripping his hand (like she was trying to wrong her hands) rather than trying to follow his rhythm. “I…made you…late…ruined your morning. Nope… I can’t work - whisky in the coffee.” She slowly covered her mouth with her free hand. It was sudden, just a slow clicking of details. “There was....whisky…in the coffee.”

Rand

Roman hugged her, pulling her in towards him. “You didn’t ruin anything. If anyone’s been ruining anything it’s me.” She wouldn’t be so anxious if he could handle his own problems. Then he looked at her, his expression confused, and nodded. “I made it exactly how you showed me. One shot of whisky.”

~ Roman

She shook her head. “No you don’t. You make it easier.” She looked up at him, having to tip her head back to see him. “In your cup, not mine. I don’t drink alcohol. Makes me panic more. So I pretend. People get offended, say I’m no fun.” Which would explain that first night on board and Randy taking so long to mix drinks. He was trying to find her something to fulfill Carmichael’s demand that they drink with the senior staff and her quick exit. So as not to answer questions about it. She tipped her head to the side to look for the second cup of coffee, which he hadn’t made. “I must have gotten your cup.”

Rand

Oh. Oops. And it explained the sudden anxiety attack, too. He felt bad, he should’ve known. Roman looked down at her. “Sorry. I thought you made ours the same way.” He was tired, feeling the crash of having had no caffeine yet, he thought. “No, I don’t have a cup,” he said. “If I want to work later I can’t have any.” He was still avoiding telling her about Randy’s restrictions for him.

~ Roman

Her breathing was more even if still rapid to go along with her heart beat. That was funny to her at the moment but also made perfect sense. That talking to Roman helped make things easier. This time she squeezed his hand on purpose when he said ‘sorry.’ “I didn’t tell you, I was to embarrassed.” Apparently despite being embarrassed and having a panic attack, it didn’t stop her from continuing to say whatever she thought while she turned red over it. “Oh…well if you had, you could have just spilled it on your shirt.”

Rand

Roman shrugged. “That’s alright.” He really didn’t mind that she hadn’t said. It wasn’t important to him. Her last comment would normally make him grin and give her his look. Today he was too tired and too emotionally upset, and all he managed was a little smile. “Maybe I’ll spill it next time.”

~ Roman

He wasn’t going to tease her. That bothered her, but that made no sense. Maybe she really had upset him? Should she offer to make his tea now or maybe his shoulders were all knotted up again. In the end she decided maybe she should be quiet and not make things worse. A good idea since the coffee was doing it’s job of making her sleepy. Being quiet helped that along even though she was still feeling like she was having a panic attack. It wasn’t long before she was asleep though she still looks sad, and sleep only provided a temporary escape.

Rand

When she fell asleep, Roman stopped the movie. He wasn’t really watching anyway and he didn’t think she had been. He sat with her while she slept, his arm still around her. He was tired, watching her sleep made him want to sleep, more than he already did, but when he tried he found he still couldn’t.

Eventually he got frustrated with it and got up carefully, trying not to disturb her. He went to the counter to get something to drink. He hadn’t decided what yet. Randy had said nothing but water, and so far he’d stuck to the nothing part. Maybe a decaf tea or the citrus would be enough to satisfy Randy’s requirements. Then he could work at least a few hours, not a full day. Like a compromise.

Standing by the counter, Roman felt lightheaded and dizzy. He put a hand on the counter and steady himself, but that only helped for a moment. His vision was going tunnelled and then it was gone entirely as he dropped to the floor like a ragdoll, his head smacking into the ground with a thwack. He’d fainted, he was only out a second or two. His head throbbed where it had hit the floor. It took him another second of sitting there to realize what had happened, it was because he hadn’t eaten today or yesterday, maybe not even since early the day before. He needed food. And to not worry Rand. He hoped the alcohol in her drink made it so she’d have slept through it.

~ Roman

Thwack Rand blinked her eyes open, and then blinked them again to clear the sleep. Roman wasn’t next to her. Had he gone to the lab?What woke her? Something fell. Oh no! Had Pipkin gotten into something and made it fall on her? She sat up and looked around, but nothing seemed out of place. She swung her feet to the floor looking for the bunny. What she saw sent chills down her spine. Pipkin was sniffing at Roman’s leg, but the direction of his feet told her he was on the floor. That was the noise, he’d fallen. But despite her anxiety, Rand was good in a crisis, she knew exactly what she was supposed to do. She was across the room quickly and knelt beside him. He was already sitting up. “Slowly.” She knelt behind him, her finger gently feeling across his head a neck, looking for bumps, bruises, or if anything felt broken. There was no blood so that was good, but there was goose egg forming where his head hit the floor. She sat behind him. “You have a large bump, your head is going to hurt a lot. What happened?” Her calm was tempered by the way she slipped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

Rand

Roman flinched his head away when she touched the forming bump. It already hurt. He still felt weak and dizzy and the dizziness got worse when he sat up but now it was starting to subside. His heartbeat still felt a little fast, too. His elbows and his back were a bit sore from colliding with the floor but it was definitely his head that hurt the most. He put an arm around her as she hugged him, his other hand against the floor. It took him a moment to answer her, “I was… looking for something. On the counter.” He thought another moment, “Tea. Decaffeinated tea. And then I fell. I think it’s just because I haven’t eaten, I’ll be fine.”

~ Roman

His answer was hesitant, he had to think about it. That wasn’t good. But he was talking clearly if slowly. She moved carefully so she could look him in the eye. His eyes didn’t look overly dilated in the sim light. She reached for the controls on the desk and turned the lights up but not too bright. She watched his eyes to make sure they reacted. “Do you feel like you might be sick?”

She sighed, “Don’t say that. You aren’t fine, and we both know it. Here, lean back against the chair.” Then she stood, carefully. She didn’t need to fall too. “I’ll be right back.”

She pulled her robe on and then slipped out the door. She was back shortly, alone. She lowered herself to the floor next to him and handed him a cup. She didn’t let go right at first, not sure how steady he was. “Juice, it will bring your blood sugar up.” She took a slow deep breath, preparing herself to be firm and say what she knew he didn’t want to hear. “And then you’re eating something. Whether you want to or not. I should have gotten dinner last night instead of going to bed.” Guilt…she was supposed to make sure he took care of himself and she had gone to bed instead.

Rand