Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in Thought
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman wasn’t sure what to pick by that description, so he chose a comedy out of the computer’s memory bank and put it on. He didn’t usually like comedies, but he’d watch anything with her. He sat down on the bed next to her and settled in to watch the movie.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t really watch the movie, she just stared at the screen. She was aware of the colors and sounds and movement, that the same faces appeared in each scene, but she didn’t process any of it. She just drank the coffee and tried to be distracted. About half an hour in, 15 minutes after she finished the coffee, Rand realized she never told Roman she didn’t drink. That when she made coffee for herself it was without the whisky. Alcohol made her anxiety worse, so if she did add it, it was less than a quarter of a shot she put in her coffee. So when she reached to put the empty cup on the side table and her head swam the word ‘whoops’ flitted across her mind. Scenes that were funny, whether the situation or the character, made her since in embarrassment. Physically the coffee helped her relax and she was leaned over, head on his shoulder.

Roman wasn’t watching either, lost still in his own thoughts. That was why he liked to work, until he couldn’t work anymore. It gave his mind something else to focus on and drowned out those thoughts he couldn’t deal with. Rand leaned over on him and he put his arm around her. It probably wasn’t noticeable, but just because he hadn’t been eating enough he felt shaky.

She grabbed his hand, her mind wandering else where. She knew why she liked Roman so much at first, why she loved him. He was so sure of himself, confident, knew exactly what to do, stubborn to a fault, and never made her feel inadequate for being shy. Just like her grandfather. That thought brought back her dreams and the tears. She thought her grandfather controlled the sun; there was nothing stronger than him. Then suddenly he wasn’t and then he was gone because of a blood clot that he wouldn’t listen to the doctors about. What if that was Roman? The alcohol was already making her heart pound more (she was such a light weight), the thought kicked in her anxiety and panic even though she tried to make herself watch the movie, and it was hard to breathe. She didn’t want Roman to worry, this was so pointless, it was a long time ago, and Randy was right. She couldn’t take care of her grandfather, she couldn’t fix Roman’s trauma. No amount of usefulness replaced self responsibility, but that didn’t take the guilt away. She tried to hold her breath for a few seconds to find a rhythm but it didn’t work.

Rand

Rand grabbed his hand. Roman could tell her anxiety was going up by her breathing. He tightened his arm around her and squeezed her hand in rhythm with his own breaths. It didn’t matter why she was anxious. Roman just had to make her feel better. Then she would tell him when she was ready, if she wanted to.

~ Roman

Rand closed her eyes and concentrated on the feel of his arm around her and the rhythm of his hand squeezing hers. “Why are you shaking?… Are…are you upset with me?” What Rand was noticing was simply the ripple of muscle and tendon as Roman’s hand flexed and relaxed. But in her overly anxious state Rand was confusing that with held in tension and mistaking that for anger or disappointment. Then she started to ramble. Everything that usually went through her head, her mouth decided to say. Everything she thought about what she had done or not and if that was what she should have done. It came out choppy because she wasn’t breathing smoothly. The whole thing ended with, “My grandfather,” and her voice broke on the word, “used to do that…his arms would…shake because he…he was frustrated that I couldn’t calm down. He said it was because he was worried about me, but I was always afraid he was lying to be nice…I didn’t mean to upset you. You can go to work. You love your work, it’s more fun than work for you. Except paperwork. I’ll help, I promise. I…I don’t have…have to be off today.”

Rand

Roman looked at her when she asked why he was shaking, but then she asked if he was upset and he smiled. He let her ramble patiently waiting for her to finish. “I’m not upset at all. I’m enjoying a morning with you, anxious or not.” It was tempting to go to work. That was what he wanted to do. But he shook his head. “It’s only 0800. I can stay longer. And you’re not going to be doing any working today.” He could tell she was at least tipsy. He didn’t know why, because he didn’t know that she usually skipped the whisky, but he could tell that alcohol was hitting her.

~ Roman

She was ruining his morning with her anxiety. She should have left when he woke her up. She could have sat in her office, by herself, and freaked out where no one could see. It was just a stupid dream (but it really wasn’t). She was breathing really hard, her breath strained. She was gripping his hand (like she was trying to wrong her hands) rather than trying to follow his rhythm. “I…made you…late…ruined your morning. Nope… I can’t work - whisky in the coffee.” She slowly covered her mouth with her free hand. It was sudden, just a slow clicking of details. “There was....whisky…in the coffee.”

Rand

Roman hugged her, pulling her in towards him. “You didn’t ruin anything. If anyone’s been ruining anything it’s me.” She wouldn’t be so anxious if he could handle his own problems. Then he looked at her, his expression confused, and nodded. “I made it exactly how you showed me. One shot of whisky.”

~ Roman

She shook her head. “No you don’t. You make it easier.” She looked up at him, having to tip her head back to see him. “In your cup, not mine. I don’t drink alcohol. Makes me panic more. So I pretend. People get offended, say I’m no fun.” Which would explain that first night on board and Randy taking so long to mix drinks. He was trying to find her something to fulfill Carmichael’s demand that they drink with the senior staff and her quick exit. So as not to answer questions about it. She tipped her head to the side to look for the second cup of coffee, which he hadn’t made. “I must have gotten your cup.”

Rand

Oh. Oops. And it explained the sudden anxiety attack, too. He felt bad, he should’ve known. Roman looked down at her. “Sorry. I thought you made ours the same way.” He was tired, feeling the crash of having had no caffeine yet, he thought. “No, I don’t have a cup,” he said. “If I want to work later I can’t have any.” He was still avoiding telling her about Randy’s restrictions for him.

~ Roman