Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

(snip)

Roman wasn’t sure what to pick by that description, so he chose a comedy out of the computer’s memory bank and put it on. He didn’t usually like comedies, but he’d watch anything with her. He sat down on the bed next to her and settled in to watch the movie.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t really watch the movie, she just stared at the screen. She was aware of the colors and sounds and movement, that the same faces appeared in each scene, but she didn’t process any of it. She just drank the coffee and tried to be distracted. About half an hour in, 15 minutes after she finished the coffee, Rand realized she never told Roman she didn’t drink. That when she made coffee for herself it was without the whisky. Alcohol made her anxiety worse, so if she did add it, it was less than a quarter of a shot she put in her coffee. So when she reached to put the empty cup on the side table and her head swam the word ‘whoops’ flitted across her mind. Scenes that were funny, whether the situation or the character, made her since in embarrassment. Physically the coffee helped her relax and she was leaned over, head on his shoulder.

Roman wasn’t watching either, lost still in his own thoughts. That was why he liked to work, until he couldn’t work anymore. It gave his mind something else to focus on and drowned out those thoughts he couldn’t deal with. Rand leaned over on him and he put his arm around her. It probably wasn’t noticeable, but just because he hadn’t been eating enough he felt shaky.

She grabbed his hand, her mind wandering else where. She knew why she liked Roman so much at first, why she loved him. He was so sure of himself, confident, knew exactly what to do, stubborn to a fault, and never made her feel inadequate for being shy. Just like her grandfather. That thought brought back her dreams and the tears. She thought her grandfather controlled the sun; there was nothing stronger than him. Then suddenly he wasn’t and then he was gone because of a blood clot that he wouldn’t listen to the doctors about. What if that was Roman? The alcohol was already making her heart pound more (she was such a light weight), the thought kicked in her anxiety and panic even though she tried to make herself watch the movie, and it was hard to breathe. She didn’t want Roman to worry, this was so pointless, it was a long time ago, and Randy was right. She couldn’t take care of her grandfather, she couldn’t fix Roman’s trauma. No amount of usefulness replaced self responsibility, but that didn’t take the guilt away. She tried to hold her breath for a few seconds to find a rhythm but it didn’t work.

Rand

Rand grabbed his hand. Roman could tell her anxiety was going up by her breathing. He tightened his arm around her and squeezed her hand in rhythm with his own breaths. It didn’t matter why she was anxious. Roman just had to make her feel better. Then she would tell him when she was ready, if she wanted to.

~ Roman

Rand closed her eyes and concentrated on the feel of his arm around her and the rhythm of his hand squeezing hers. “Why are you shaking?… Are…are you upset with me?” What Rand was noticing was simply the ripple of muscle and tendon as Roman’s hand flexed and relaxed. But in her overly anxious state Rand was confusing that with held in tension and mistaking that for anger or disappointment. Then she started to ramble. Everything that usually went through her head, her mouth decided to say. Everything she thought about what she had done or not and if that was what she should have done. It came out choppy because she wasn’t breathing smoothly. The whole thing ended with, “My grandfather,” and her voice broke on the word, “used to do that…his arms would…shake because he…he was frustrated that I couldn’t calm down. He said it was because he was worried about me, but I was always afraid he was lying to be nice…I didn’t mean to upset you. You can go to work. You love your work, it’s more fun than work for you. Except paperwork. I’ll help, I promise. I…I don’t have…have to be off today.”

Rand