Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Lost in Thought
Posted by… suppressed (6) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman hadn’t moved since Randy left and at the moment he didn’t plan to. Was he that selfish? Was it selfish to be with her at all? He remembered the conversation they had about his leg, when she’d said no matter how he acted about it, it had been a really big deal to her. The last three weeks she’d stayed up with him, later than she should. She was eating, but not as much as she should. Roman kept an eye on that. All he did was stress her out and make her stay up too late because he was too focused on himself, too focused on his pain, on avoiding what had happened.

He’d just wanted to rush through this project and get it done… Along with the other projects from… That ship. No. He still couldn’t say the name, not even to himself. When you are ready to be the man, the leader we all saw the day we boarded, come find me. Was he not that man anymore? Not fit to lead? If it weren’t for Randy’s help so far, Roman was sure he’d already have gotten himself in trouble a long time ago. But Randy… They didn’t even like each other. Randy had hated working for him. Perhaps because he was a ‘selfish English jerk’. He was only doing it because Rand had asked him to as a favour to her. How could he possibly think Roman had anything other than Starfleet? It was that and Rand for him. And perhaps not even her if he couldn’t just get over himself so he could take care of her.

His thoughts were spiralling as he lay in bed, unmoving. He no longer felt like working, but he couldn’t sleep, either. Even though he’d been exhausted for weeks now he couldn’t sleep. If he managed to fall asleep he was only going to have a nightmare and… He wasn’t sure he should be going to the Farquharson quarters just then. So he didn’t really want to be asleep either. He ended up just laying there quietly.

~ Roman

Was she bad for Roman? Was she hurting him by trying to help him? Was she helping him or trying to do it for him. Did she let her need to be useful interfere with what was best for Roman? Was she acting out of anxiety, fear he’d decide he didn’t love her. She didn’t believe that, did she? No she did not. Roman was not selfish! Surely Randy knew that. No he’d said, ‘He’s just being selfish, whether he knows it or not.’ So he did think Roman was acting selfishly but not out of malice or purpose. Wasn’t staying here with Randy tonight selfish, on purpose? To put herself first tonight would be cruel.

Rand was angry at Randy and not over the nightgown. She was an adult and not stupid. She struggled to socialize but that didn’t mean she was incompetent. Randy always said she couldn’t tell a guy’s intention, but she didn’t have to tell with Roman. He never made her guess or wonder. She knew how he felt and if she didn’t and asked he told her. He teased her, but never made her anxious or went too far. He knew every horribly embarrassing story, about her anxiety, he knew about her acting and he didn’t seem to care. At least not in a negative way. Her arms suddenly hurt from her shoulder down the inside to her elbows and shooting painfully to her wrists Did he felt sorry for her? That thought brought tears to her eyes. No…if that were true he could have just left her with Randy at the dance. At night instead of laying awake while she slept he could have made her come back here. Instead of wanting her to move in. Surely he knew she’d keep helping him anyway, he didn’t have to say that. She made a promise.

She set the piece of paper on the bed, Randy, you can’t believe that. Not too strongly or you wouldn’t have left me here alone to decide. You would have dragged me to the Galley with you. I’ll eat, and I’ll sleep. And I can’t fix it for him, but I’m not leaving him alone. I’m tired and I’m going to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow. And if I’m wrong, well, then, I get to choose how my heart breaks this time. I love you. -Rand

The door slid open, Rand set the bag down, tapped the control for the lights. Then her weight shifted the bed as she slid under the blanket next to him, arm around his waist and head on his shoulder.

Rand

Roman didn’t move when the door opened, nor when there was a soft sound as she set the bag down. At first he thought it was Randy, he wasn’t sure why. Randy seemed frustrated with him. With his selfishness. Why would Randy have come back?

His suspicions were confirmed when the bed shifted under Rand’s weight and she slid under the blanket behind him, her arm around his waist and her head against her shoulder. He wasn’t sure just then if her being there made him feel better, or worse. For a moment he barely reacted to her at all. Then, he moved over to give her space and squeezed her hand.

~ Roman

Rand knew he wasn’t asleep because he had been staring at nothing when she came in. He didn’t talk or react. Finally, when he did, he moved, away. Well that’s what it felt like. She knew what he was doing, but instead she tightened her arm around him. “Don’t. I have enough room.” She kissed his shoulder before putting her head back down. She was exhausted and would have happily fallen asleep that way. Except Roman was struggling so she would stay up for as long as she was able. She could sleep tomorrow. She squeezed his hand and held on. “We will get through this, okay.”

Rand

She tightened her arm around him, preventing him from moving any more than he had, which wasn’t far, so he let himself settle into her. Normally he liked when she stressed the we but now it sent a pang of guilt through him and he squeezed her hand again. A short moment passed, then, “You need to sleep.” He was going to be awake all night, again. She didn’t need to be. His voice was a quiet wavering whisper.

~ Roman

Rand nodded her head against his shoulder. “I will,” punctuated by a soft yawn. She wanted him to sleep. She had no idea how much he’d had. He stayed with her while she slept, but he wasn’t. She was going to make him a Scottish coffee to help, now that the review was done. She started to go make it but had this horrible feeling if she let go she wouldn’t get to come back. Roman didn’t sound like himself, and that scared her. (But what didn’t scare or worry her?) Randy said he needed time to think, so she stayed settled against him. Her heart was pounding too hard. Maybe because of her fight with Randy, maybe worry, also because she was over tired. But she knew until it stopped she couldn’t sleep. She didn’t want Roman to worry, and she was sure he could feel it thudding against his back. She made herself breathe slow and deeply, squeezing his hand to help her find the rhythm, so she could fall asleep. So he wouldn’t worry.

Rand

He hadn’t had much sleep. He couldn’t. Even though he was exhausted and sad and all he wanted to do was sleep, he couldn’t. He was thinking, but they weren’t productive thoughts. He could tell she was anxious, and that made him feel worse, too. He felt her breathing change and then she started to squeeze his hand, to calm herself. He squeezed her hand with the same rhythm.

~ Roman

It didn’t take long before Rand wasn’t squeezing his hand quite so strongly, and her breath was more soft than measured. Rand was a light sleeper by necessity, never knowing when she’d be paged. Nothing seemed to wake her though, except if Roman moved, and then she would hold onto him more tightly, pressing closer, but she never actually woke up. Her dreams were dark and terribly sad and frightening. Once or twice, when Roman hadn’t moved, Rand would grip his shirt in her fist and press her face to his back between his shoulder blades. She would shudder, like a cold chill but stronger, but she never made a sound, just continued to sleep.

Rand

Roman lay awake and quiet almost the entire night. He was glad when she fell asleep. She gripped him tightly if he moved, and one time he was afraid he’d woken her, so after that he tried not to move at all. It was a terribly long night for him. The hours seemed to tick by slowly. He couldn’t see the time, he’d have to move to check it, so it was seemingly endless lonely darkness punctuated only by the occasional tightening of Rand’s grip on his shirt. Once, near two in the morning, he fell asleep at last. But it didn’t last. By three he was shuddering gently and by half past three, he woke suddenly. He was glad when it didn’t seem like he’d woken her. He stayed still, laying silently awake until the morning.

~ Roman

When Rand didn’t wake up when he did Pipkin made her way over and settled down next to Roman. She was confused why her humans were acting so strange. Rand didn’t even wake at at 0430 when her alarm usually went off. Rand was lost in her own dark dreams, but no matter how much she might want to wake up, she couldn’t. In fact Roman might notice his shirt was damp where her face was pressed into his back. Pipkin snuffed at her hand, but all Rand did was relax her grip and move her hand away.

Rand

Roman gave the bunny a little half-hearted pet. At 0500 Roman finally peeked at the time and then nudged Rand awake. His shirt was damp, he wasn’t sure if it was tears or sweat but he could tell Rand’s sleep wasn’t fully peaceful. It was after the time she’d normally get up anyway, and she seemed like she needed it.

~ Roman

When Roman nudged her, and it took a couple of tries she rolled over, pulled the blanket over her head and mumbled, “Go away Randy. I don’t want to talk to you.” It was muffled and sleep slurred. Pipkin hopped over to investigate and tried to wiggle under the blanket, but there was no opening for her unless Roman helped.

Rand

Roman didn’t feel like getting up. He still didn’t feel like moving at all. But her words made him turn towards her under the covers, pulling at the blanket over her head. “You’re not talking to Randy? Why? What happened?” It was probably the most he’d said at once since before they realized what was on the last disk, and it was because he was worried.

~ Roman

Rand fought to keep the blanket until she was awake enough to realize it wasn’t Randy tugging it away from her. It was obvious from the dried tears on her face her dreams had been disturbing. With the blanket moved she rolled back over, eye level with his shoulder. She opened her mouth and then licked her lips and breathed out slowly. “Oh…I..I um…had a nightmare. He…would make me…talk about. I don’t want to.”

Rand