Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Lost in Thought

“I’m not on leave. Franks isn’t in command of the labs.” Roman replied. “I can work with my animals, I can do paperwork… as long as I don’t log it tomorrow in the system.” He knew Rand was following his lead, she wouldn’t go to bed unless he did, even if he wasn’t sleeping anyway. That was why he’d been going to bed and then laying awake all or most of, the night. So Rand would sleep. He shook his head. “I can’t not work. I can’t sleep anyway and I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I just want to be caught up.”

~ Roman

No Franks was second in charge of the labs, and if Alden wasn’t fit or able for whatever reason it fell to Franks. Alden knew that. Randy stared at him a long time. There was no getting through to him. And Randy really wasn’t sure Alden wanted help. Or subconsciously he did, but he wasn’t ready to get it. In fact if not for Rand, Alden would never have gone looking. Lords and Ladies he didn’t even ask himself. He had Rand do it for him. Rand did the report, Rand did the research, Rand stayed up late to make sure he slept, to keep his demons away. Rand stayed awake waiting for that knock on the door every night for months. Rand went to that dance for him. Rand who would put everyone and everything before herself. Rand who deserves someone that would put her first whenever they could. Did he even love her for her or just the convince of what she did for him? Hell he was even taking advantage of the crew, putting them all at risk for his selfishness. He was going to get them all killed because his physical health and mental health were making him unfit to lead. “You know, when you are ready to be the man, the leader we all saw the day we boarded, come find me. I’m disappointed, you really are a selfish English jerk.” Randy stood up, put the chair back by the table, and then walked out the door.

Randy

Roman did want help. If he didn’t want to be there, he wouldn’t be. But whether he was ready for help… That was another question. Randy stood and left, leaving Roman alone in his room. He dropped his face into his hands. He hadn’t any idea why, but disappointing Randy felt worse than disappointing anyone he could think of, save for maybe Jay. And now that he was gone, Roman felt more alone than ever. Suddenly he didn’t even want to work anymore. He pulled his feet up onto the bed, slid under the covers, and lay there, awake.

~ Roman

Randy entered his quarters to see Rand folding the last of her uniforms into a duffle bag. She looked over her shoulder at him, smiling. “Are you done?” Why did she have to look so happy? “Yeah. Hey look, you’re gonna stay here tonight.” Rand turned fully around then and looked confused. She studied him a long time, “Why?” Randy took a deep breath as he looked at her. “Rand you need sleep, have you looked at yourself in the mirror?” The dark circles, the dry eyes, the fact she had already yawned 3 times since he walked in. And worst of all the way her breath wasn’t quite smooth, it was faster than normal, and if he checked her pulse he’d be surprised if it wasn’t slightly erratic from exhaustion. “I’m taking care of myself Randy. I promised, both of you. Late nights don’t mean I’m being careless. I don’t like making you worry.”

“I know you don’t Rand, but you’re going to stay here and get some sleep.” Rand grinned, “Well I’ll sleep better over there. I wouldn’t know how to sleep with your snoring anymore.” Randy shook his head. “No you won’t,” it came out almost snappish. “Randy, come on…I always stay over there. I…I know it seems strange that I’m not living here anymore. But I’m happy.” Randy shook his head, “I’m glad your happy. But it is strange, I’m lonely. Come on you can stay with me one night.” Rand walked over and hugged him. “Aww Randy I’m sorry. Not tonight though, not after the last few weeks. Soon, I promise.”

Randy kept hold of her hands, “Stay.” Something about Randy’s tone made Rand worried, it always had. She suddenly deflated, like a sail with no breeze and sank onto the bed. “Randy? Did…did I do something wrong?” Randy heard the strain in her voice and harsh crack of anxiety. He sat down next to her, on what would always be her bed, and put an arm around her. “No, no girl. None of that. You are fine. You did everything right.” Randy sighed, “But tonight someone needs to take care of you.” She shook her head but he stopped her. “No, Miranda. You’ve taken care of him for months, and if he can’t see past his own selfishness to take care of you for one night, then you stay here.” Randy wasn’t yelling but his voice was getting slightly louder.

“Randy that’s not fair. He’s grieving and traumatized. How can you expect me to leave him alone?”

“No what’s not fair is expecting you to take care of it all because he can’t see past himself. That he can’t see you’ve given him everything and he still wants more. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it. He’s just being selfish, whether he knows it or not. He needs to think, decide what he wants and why. He’s got to take that first step and pull himself up. Not just want to not live that way but make the decision and do something about it. He’s in there waiting for you to come make it better, like you always do.”

“I live there, Randy, of course I’m going to go back!” Randy shook his head, “Why couldn’t he come and tell you we were done. And don’t say that I was doing it. We had no way of knowing if you were here or not. He knows you worry about him, that you’ve been with him every second through this whole thing, done everything to help him. He knows how little you’ve slept. And don’t get me started on that bird food you’ve been eating so that he doesn’t feel guilty about not eating a lot. Even if I was coming here, why couldn’t he get up and come get you? Knowing you’d sit here stuck in the ‘what shoulds’ of waiting or going over there. He might be grieving Rand, but that’s no reason to ignore the important people in your life. That is no reason he can’t put you first for five minutes.”

“I don’t expect him to put me first. Randy do you really dislike him that much?” Rand didn’t know what she would do. She couldn’t give either of them up. “I do like him Rand. He’s a good man, an amazing scientist, and an officer I’m proud to serve under. But we can’t do this for him. We can walk beside him and support him, but we can’t make it better for him. Just like you. I could show you the choices, I could cheer you on, but only you could make the decisions.” He cupped her cheek, “No matter how much I wanted to put you in a bubble and fix the world for you. You had to do it. He needs time to think. Now I’m getting you food, a good heavy meal that will make you so full you fall into a food coma or Gran might travel by subspace here and shake that wooden spoon at me for letting you get to skinny.” And after he hugged her he left to do exactly that.

Rand grabbed her bag but didn’t get up. Thinking about what Randy had said and not liking it at all. How could she sit there, even through a meal, when all she wanted was to go and make every thing better for Roman?

Rand

Roman hadn’t moved since Randy left and at the moment he didn’t plan to. Was he that selfish? Was it selfish to be with her at all? He remembered the conversation they had about his leg, when she’d said no matter how he acted about it, it had been a really big deal to her. The last three weeks she’d stayed up with him, later than she should. She was eating, but not as much as she should. Roman kept an eye on that. All he did was stress her out and make her stay up too late because he was too focused on himself, too focused on his pain, on avoiding what had happened.

He’d just wanted to rush through this project and get it done… Along with the other projects from… That ship. No. He still couldn’t say the name, not even to himself. When you are ready to be the man, the leader we all saw the day we boarded, come find me. Was he not that man anymore? Not fit to lead? If it weren’t for Randy’s help so far, Roman was sure he’d already have gotten himself in trouble a long time ago. But Randy… They didn’t even like each other. Randy had hated working for him. Perhaps because he was a ‘selfish English jerk’. He was only doing it because Rand had asked him to as a favour to her. How could he possibly think Roman had anything other than Starfleet? It was that and Rand for him. And perhaps not even her if he couldn’t just get over himself so he could take care of her.

His thoughts were spiralling as he lay in bed, unmoving. He no longer felt like working, but he couldn’t sleep, either. Even though he’d been exhausted for weeks now he couldn’t sleep. If he managed to fall asleep he was only going to have a nightmare and… He wasn’t sure he should be going to the Farquharson quarters just then. So he didn’t really want to be asleep either. He ended up just laying there quietly.

~ Roman