Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Honoring the Ardent

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Honoring the Ardent

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Honoring the Ardent
Posted by… suppressed (1) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)
Roman sat on the bed with a small sigh. Wasn’t he the one being selfish? After all, Randy had a point. Roman could’ve taken one measly little bite to avoid this whole issue. Avoid making Rand panic and angering Randy with both of them. Tell her what you need. What did he need? Even he didn’t know, how was she supposed to? If there were some magic word or action that could make him feel better and eat and sleep normally he’d love to know what it was. “No. I was wrong to call it nagging. It isn’t healthy, I know that.” He said after a moment of silence passed between them. Then, “What can I do to help you worry less?” Eat, he was sure. A suggestion besides that was what he hoped for.

~ Roman

His behavior wasn’t healthy, but was he saying that to appease her or did he really see it? Rand was quiet and then shook her head, being reminded of her thought earlier that evening. Roman, retired, and still missing meals and appointments for his science. “I don’t know if there is. Anything you might do would be so markedly contrary to your personality you would no longer be yourself. I don’t want that.” She was rubbing her arms again, squeezing the muscles as if they were hurting or sore. Tell him the truth, be honest and then listen. “I…I…need you ta understand, that no matter how insignificant you think the issue with your leg was, for me it wasn’t…you…you almost died.” Her voice dropped and then broke, but she wouldn’t look at him. “You…you act like … like it was nothing. But it wasn’t…it isn’t nothing to me. And when you decide to neglect yourself, again, it terrifies me. I almost lost you, and I don’t want that to be one reality.” Her voice was strained and she squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t, as Randy said, want to manipulate his feelings that way.

Rand

He did see it, well, sort of. He’d likely go right on doing what he did now. And normally he liked that she reminded him to eat because sometimes he simply forgot when he was too focused on something in the lab. But this was different. It was a lack of appetite to go with his lack of sleep. Withdrawal, Randy had called it. Roman had told Randy that he’d refused to exercise for months after the ship incident. He had been eating like he was now, too back then.

Despite the seriousness of their conversation her words made him smile a little. Even though he worried her, she didn’t want him to change himself. She was still rubbing her arms, and he knew that meant she was still anxious.

When Rand said she needed him to understand he looked up, studying her face. Roman knew it wasn’t insignificant, however he might act about it. Amputation had nearly been on the table. Bed rest, even for a week, was a big deal. But Roman didn’t want to acknowledge that. That was hard for him. He looked away as she went on. She sounded an awful lot like him. She was afraid to lose him. Her voice was strained like she was going to cry and all he wanted to do was hug her but he wasn’t sure that would be welcome right now. He wanted to hug her and tell her he’d do better but he wasn’t going to make a promise he didn’t think he could keep yet. He studied the floor instead.

~ Roman

Rand wasn’t asking him to admit it to himself, or maybe she was? She just wanted him to understand she couldn’t dismiss it like he did. She wasn’t even sure why it had become such a big deal. She’d been bringing him meals all week, and he ate, not much but he ate. Why had today been such a big deal? She wasn’t sure, (if she had answered Randy and told him the last time she slept well was before the data disks arrived, he would tell her it mattered because she’d let her anxiety run away and get control due to lack of sleep, among other things), she didn’t know; she just knew she’d messed up, she’d done something wrong. She thought she’d figured out the rules, but she hadn’t. She glanced up at him but he wasn’t looking at her, and after long minutes he still wasn’t talking. Roman hated excuses, and that’s all she’d given him. She should have kept her mouth shut. She started rubbing her upper arms and her shoulders hunched against the sharp tingles across her back. She looked around, something, anything to keep her hands busy. There was nothing except the tray to return. She stood suddenly and turned toward the table, and very slowly, her hands were shaking and she hated herself for it, stacked the dishes onto the tray.

Rand

She was stacking dishes again. Roman knew that meant she was nervous. And he was making her that way. Finally he found the words he needed and began speaking slowly, “It has to be nothing, because if it was that serious then… I’d have to be scared, too.” He wasn’t sure it made sense but it was the honest answer. “And then I’d have to think about it and I don’t want to do that because…” Because it was too closely related to what happened on the ship. Because he avoided anything with any association to that incident at all, even if that meant neglecting himself to do it. As he went on he spoke faster. “Randy wanted to… to work with me on some of these things, but he said it would get worse before it got better and I can’t imagine things being worse than they already are.” Was he making any sense? He still wasn’t sure.

~ Roman

Rand was seriously contemplating leaving. Roman had been silent for so long she thought he would never say anything. And she would rather not endure the silence. Then Roman began to talk, and she stopped figiting with the dishes. She was holding her arms again, but she was still. He was making perfect sense to her. He was talking about being numb, to everything, to maintaining a perfect routine so he didn’t have to think or feel. Because to let one thought in was to allow everything to spiral into consciousness. She understood, she really did. And she truly felt bad about her actions. She turned back around so at least she was facing him now. She squeezed her arms rather than wringing her hands. “And I made it worse. Like what Randy said, I was too concerned with my problem to consider yours. With easing my own fear that I pushed you. Making you think about things you can’t right now.” And it all kind of fell into place. Jay, his loss, her threatening not to sleep, her own health. She was an idiot, and lord’s they were a pair. Was Randy right? Did Roman deserve better than her? She looked up at him, actually meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry, Roman. I really am.” She closed her eyes in a failed attempt to stop tears from slipping out. “I shouldn’t have threatened my health. I didn’t mean it that way, but that’s what it was.”

She took a deep breath. She wasn’t sure if she should say anything about his comment about talking to Randy. Roman didn’t really talk about his time with Randy. It was private. “Sometimes it is worse, at first. I think it’s the anticipation of facing everything more than the work. Sometimes though, it doesn’t get worse, because it can’t.”

Rand

Roman liked to pretend he didn’t have ‘problems’ that needed consideration. Like Randy had said, shame over his reactions and how he felt. He wanted to will his emotions away. It didn’t work that way. Well, it did if you were Vulcan. But Roman was unfortunately not. “I wish you didn’t have to skirt around things.” Roman would never think she wasn’t good enough for him, that he deserved better. If she’d said that, he would have been completely surprised. “I should have just taken a bite, and we wouldn’t be here. I’m sorry…” He wasn’t sure what to apologize for. For being too stubborn? For worrying her? At her last comment he looked up. “What if I can’t work? Or something happens in the lab? I can’t let that happen.”

~ Roman