Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Honoring the Ardent

(snip)

No, he even fell asleep at his desk more times than the first. He’d only left to use the restroom, and with how little he was eating and drinking, he hadn’t needed to do that very many times. And to freshen up in the morning, make sure he didn’t look like the train wreck he sort of had been that week. At the mention of his project, Roman choked back tears. Why did that happen every time? He cried too much lately. He shook his head, all evidence of his earlier anger gone from his body language and voice. “No.” The word was soft and quietly spoken. His shoulders sagged. He wanted to check his face for wetness but if it was dry, he didn’t want to make it blatantly obvious he was trying not to cry again.

~ Roman

Well that was progress because Randy knew it wouldn’t. Because it wasn’t just the work. He waited a moment letting Alden work with the moment.

“You’re a scientist. I want you to consider something, but we are looking at qualitative data not quantitative.” There were ways to study using quantitative but Randy didn’t want Alden getting overly analytical. “You shared your Jui Jitsu for years with Jay. It’s fully connected to him and your memories of him. You grew up together learning, practicing, competing. But you returned to it, you practice several times a week, but his memory doesn’t stop you in your tracks. You both shared your goals of a Star Fleet career for even long than your Jiu Jitsu. You made a pact to become Captains together and you worked towards that goal together. But you stayed and kept going when you could have resigned. So there are significant things that you choose to do every day that are linked to Jay and his memory.” Randy had his own voice training, and made sure he didn’t sound offensive or challenging. “I just want you to think about it, why is this memory, of your work together, feel so impossible you can’t think about it?”

Randy

Roman thought he had a grip on his emotions but when Randy mentioned their jiu jitsu competitions and then their childhood pact, the tears started. And Roman couldn’t make them stop. He took a deep breath before he spoke but his voice still shook as he did, “They do bother me when I practice. It took months after I was originally medically cleared. I… I wasn’t doing anything at all, wasting away in my quarters. I’d do nothing but work and then I’d sit in my room and try to sleep. Or go back to work. They threatened to put me back in sickbay because I wasn’t eating enough, wasn’t exercising and quite obviously wasn’t sleeping. I just don’t think about it, I block it out and when I can’t do that…” He paused briefly, the next part was really embarrassing, but the words made their way out anyway, “I cry in the locker room shower stall.” It was something he used to need to do more than he did now but he’d found himself doing it more again. He’d been practicing his jiu jitsu since his leg had stopped bothering him after PT. He had to take a moment to snatch a tissue off his desk and wipe his face and blow his nose.

Then he continued, “I didn’t feel there was a choice in whether I resigned or not. I did consider resigning, I even wanted to. But there’s no where else for me to go. Starfleet is all I’ve ever wanted, all I have left, especially after…” His sentence ended in a sob he tried to hold in and failed. Everything for him was a game of not thinking about it, and when he failed to not think about it that was when his nightmares got worse. When he stopped eating because he was burying himself in work to make it go away. He couldn’t think about Jay as much if he filled his head with all the science and reports he could find.

This project issue was work and yet it was work where he’d have to reread notes they’d both written and added to, listen to audio recordings and watch videos of them working together. He couldn’t even think about Jay and he was supposed to do that? He couldn’t.

~ Roman

“I didn’t say it didn’t bother you, only that you have been able to return to those activities.” A pause as Randy chose his next words. “What you normally do, ignore it, push it away, isn’t working. And we know it isn’t working because the memories and the nightmares sneak up on you and almost completely destabilize you. So you try even harder to ignore it and the cycle continues. So let’s look at what you said about your Jiu Jitsu. You block it out while you’re practicing, and then after you allow it expression in the privacy of the shower. That’s healthy. Obviously you can’t go around actively grieving constantly, but you take the time to express it, even if only to yourself. And practicing doesn’t give you nightmares. So, next time you feel the need to block it out, I want to to instead consciously acknowledge, to yourself, that it bothers you because it reminds you of Jay or the Ardent, and then push it away. The trick though, is later, after your shift or the activity, you allow yourself to express that grief. However that is.”

Oh wow, were Rand and Alden perfect for each other. Rand worked so hard because she felt she had no where else to go. Alden apparently felt the same. Randy knew this comment might sound more like being a brother than a therapist, but he could honestly say that has nothing to do with it. “You do realize that isn’t true anymore? Star Fleet is not all you have left, any more.”

Randy