Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in side - sim: Honoring the Ardent

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in side - sim: Honoring the Ardent

(snip)

He took the PaDD and read over both letters, frowning. There were no concrete timelines. Just as time permits. He could put it off for a while. That made him feel a little better. But this was a project he did not want. Seeing the name on one of the reports had worsened his nightmares. Having to go through the projects of multiple of his officers? He felt like he wouldn’t sleep for the next month. He couldn’t ignore it forever. He sighed and handed her the PaDD back. An order was an order. He’d have to do it. Sooner rather than later, he was known for timeliness and he liked to keep it that way. What he’d do about sleeping he didn’t know. There wasn’t anything he could do. “Bring the files to my lab in the morning. I… I’ll get through as many of them as I can.” There was no anger left in his tone. He sounded more resigned.

~ Roman

She waited while he read, reminding herself she had a part to play, and she needed to do it. This was why she never should have gotten involved. It was too late for that now though. She couldn’t change it, and she wouldn’t even if she could. She forcibly made her hands stop shaking. Rand took the PaDD, turning it off with a whispered and probably not heard, “Yes, Sir.” She set it down and then, “I’ll make drinks…” But she didn’t move. He had been upset with her, maybe she shouldn’t come back? She felt like she should stay, but she didn’t know what to do if she did. It seemed no matter how much she tried to help she made things worse. Maybe she should get Randy. “Should…should I tell Randy?” He hated Randy or at least what Randy did. She wished it wasn’t that way. “Or…coffee?” Coffee? Coffee was not going to make this better.

Rand

Roman didn’t want drinks, or coffee, or Randy. He probably needed Randy, but he wasn’t going to ask for him. He wanted Rand, how she normally was, not the way she was now. He knew she couldn’t help it. She seemed upset, she’d been sort of off since she’d shown him the disks in the first place. He didn’t know why… Then he remembered what she’d said that morning. She thought this was her fault somehow. She blamed herself for his being upset, for his distraction causing the incident in the lab. It didn’t make any sense to him, but it did explain what was so off about her lately.

He took her hand gently in his own, his left, and shook his head. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for my emotions, you couldn’t have known how hard seeing those again would be for me. I always thought I’d be happy to have them back… until I saw them.” His look changed, he was angry, but not with her, with himself. Why did it have to be this way? Why was it so difficult? It was done, gone, in the past. If he could just get over it already, he wouldn’t have gotten upset and Rand wouldn’t be blamed herself for it. His parents had always said, you carry on and do what you need to do. Didn’t matter how you felt about it. That was an excuse. So why couldn’t he? “It’s my problem. I’m the one who can’t move past it. They are my reports and my orders and if I can’t just get it done then I shouldn’t be here.” His frustration with himself was obvious in his voice.

~ Roman

She curled her fingers around his when he took her hand. Actions had consequences, even if they were just emotional ones. Those were the worst types of consequences. She understood what he was saying to her, she did, and she couldn’t argue with it. She felt the same. If she couldn’t do her work because of her anxiety her fear, or her heart, she didn’t deserve to be there.
But that didn’t absolve her of her responsibility to her actions. “But I did know! Well I didn’t…not when I first went looking for them. I just knew you said you had lost them and would probably never get them back. It’s been over a year, I didn’t think they were going to get them. I would have told you what I did, but I honestly forgot about it.” She wasn’t quite looking him in the eye, that was hard for her, but she was trying. “Yes that’s part of serving, you do the work they give you, but that doesn’t mean what happened doesn’t matter. You keep going, but you can’t act like those people don’t matter. That’s not fair to them or to you. But it is my problem too. Those files wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone looking for them. Even if my actions hadn’t brought them here, it’s still ‘my problem too.’ I love you, that means that whatever effects you, effects me too. My actions hurt you.” She laid her free hand over his heart, which moved her closer to him, “I never want to do that. You do have to get it done, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and doesn’t matter.” She was rambling and she really needed to stop.

Rand

Roman shook his head. “Then you didn’t, not when you made the request.” He’d have forgotten about it, too. “I didn’t mean they didn’t matter, of course they mattered. That’s thirty-two people, gone.” He had the numbers memorised. Along with all thirty-two names. “And for what? We weren’t a warship, we were a science vessel. There wasn’t any reason for it!” He was getting worked up and emotional, he hadn’t spoken about it in that much detail, not even to Randy. He took a deep breath as she put her hand on his chest. “Intent matters. You were trying to help. I could never be angry with you for that.” Then he put his arm around her. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.”

~ Roman