Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Sleepless Indulgence

Posted by Ensign Rand Farquharson (Yeoman First Class) in Sleepless Indulgence

Posted by Commander Roman Alden (First Officer & Chief Science Officer) in Sleepless Indulgence
Posted by… suppressed (8) by the Post Ghost! 👻

Rand had tossed and turned in the dark for the last two hours. She couldn’t sleep. Two nights ago, after dinner, she’d slept fine. Randy would probably tell her it was because her mind and nerves had expelled enough energy in her roller coaster of anxiety to exhaust her. Of course he couldn’t tell her that because she wasn’t telling him she had dinner with Roman. She would, eventually, when she knew that Randy picking on her and lecturing her and generally being in big brother mode wouldn’t drive her crazy or embarrass her. Now, tonight and the night before she couldn’t sleep. Every time she closed her eyes all she could see was the horrible party, trying flutily to convince the director to call her parents and then waking up in the hospital with a team of professional but extremely concerned doctors and family over her. She tried thinking about something else, she tried not laying on her back, she’d had made a Scottish coffee with extra whisky, but still she toss and turned. One night of little sleep was okay, more than that was liable to slow her down, and if she let it continue she’d be so tired it would affect her work.

And then she and Roman would both be in trouble. The irony in the thought made her smirk slightly but this just wouldn’t do. She considered waking Randy up and talking to him, but when she glanced over at her twin he looked too exhausted, even in sleep, and she didn’t want him to worry. She got up quietly, slipped a robe on and stepped into the corridor. She wanted to go for a run, let her mind wander and just let go, but a run would just wake her up, and her foot wasn’t quite ready for a run yet. She paced down the corridor and paused, looking at the door beside her. Roman she raised her hand to knock and then stopped. If he was actually asleep she didn’t want to wake him. He had enough trouble sleeping, he didn’t need her waking him up, but if he was still awake, it would be okay to knock. She hesitated again though, if he was awake he would have come and gotten her already, right?

Roman was awake, and much like Rand, he’d already been through the tossing and turning, trying to think of something relaxing, anything, but as usual, the only thing that would put him to sleep was time. Or Rand, but he’d gone to her so frequently recently, he considered just making the tea she’d given him for himself. But instead, he found himself sat up on his bunk, reading.

She paced away and walked up and down the corridor trying to work the jumpy nerves out. This kept on for several minutes, Rand walking up and down he corridor on soft bare feet. Pausing occasionally to knock on his door and then change her mind and pace some more. Finally she decided she would just knock softly, that if he was awake he would hear it and if he was asleep it wouldn’t bother him.

Rand

Footsteps pulled Roman’s attention away from his book. Outside, the footsteps came close to his door, and then receded down the hall. And then they were close again, and then they faded away once more. The sound was soft, he might’ve missed it, except this deck was always dead silent this time of night. A few minutes passed, and the footsteps did not stop. Finally, he set the PaDD he was reading on down and went to the door, letting it open. On the other side of the door, now right in front of him was… “Rand. What’s wrong?” He seemed concerned, she never came by. It was always him knocking on her door.

~ Roman

Rand stood there, hand half raised to knock, and silent. His sudden appearance in the door way as she was once again contemplating knocking surprised her. Then she realized she was standing there, bare-foot, robe over her night gown, middle of the night, and she was eternally grateful to whatever power decided to always make this deck vacant at this hour. As she had paced, Rand had even considered that part of the problem was she hadn’t had tea and talked with Roman before she went to bed. That at this point it was part of her nightly routine and therefore she simply could not settle and sleep. She wouldn’t tell him that though, he’d feel guilty. On the other hand, Rand rather liked the idea. Not that he couldn’t sleep but that spending that time with him had become so routine it was now necessary. She wasn’t sure she would admit to that, but she liked the idea better than what was keeping her up the last few nights.

She looked up at him a moment later and then a quiet sigh escaped. “I…I can’t sleep.”

Rand

Roman stepped aside, out of the doorway to let her into his quarters. He looked tired as usual, but he certainly wasn’t going to be sleeping anytime soon, and honestly he was glad to see her there, until he heard why she was there. He wouldn’t wish the trouble sleeping on anyone. He wasn’t going to ask her why she couldn’t sleep, he figured she’d tell him that if she wanted to. He figured it probably wasn’t because of him or she wouldn’t have come to him. He did find himself quite happy that she had come to him. He just wished she didn’t have to.

“Do you want one of your cups of tea?” He asked. At least he could return the favour she’d done many times for him and make her some tea. As she stepped in, he offered her the normal seat by his computer station and then headed over to the counter. He could at least make himself a cup, and then he’d make two if she said she did want one.

~ Roman

Rand gratefully to the chair he offered, noticing the table and extra chairs from dinner were gone. She’d already had a Scottish coffee and tea, but she wouldn’t refuse the offer. “Yes, thank you.” Normally Rand would sit up right in the chair, ankles crossed and curled under, near the chair’s feet, just a bit. Tonight when she sat, she curled her legs underneath her in the seat, careful to make sure the robe didn’t bunch, and then settled into the chair. If one could imagine the chair was slightly bigger and plush, she would look like she was curled up with a book ready to fall asleep. She was just missing a blanket. In all truthfulness, she’d been having trouble for a week now, but she’d been so focused on helping Roman she’d not been worried about herself. Their talks were distracting enough that afterwards she was able to sleep. She just hadn’t noticed.

Roman had returned the spare chairs the first chance he got. He had borrowed them, after all. He hadn’t noticed anything off with Rand. Even if there had been something to notice, he was too focused making sure his own work was finished acceptably. His sleep problems got better and worse, and when Rand had originally confronted him about it, they’d been on the worse side of things. Then it had been better for a while, aided by their chats and tea, but now it wasn’t doing so well again, and he figured it was just the chats keeping him from another episode of sleeping at his desk. Rand looked comfortable, curled up into his chair, and like she was ready to fall asleep there, if she could’ve. Roman was finished making the teas, and he handed her one of the mugs as he passed by and took his own usual seat on the edge of his bunk. “There you go.”

She noticed the PaDD and the tired look on his face. She would have brought tea or coffee earlier if he had asked. Why hadn’t he? Was it because of dinner? Because they had a date he wouldn’t ask her anymore? Did a date change the dynamic between them so much that he felt he couldn’t or shouldn’t ask? Should she not be there now? Or did something go wrong and he didn’t want her around anymore? That thought made nerves misfire painfully down her arms and across her chest. Or maybe he couldn’t sleep because it was habit and thoughts of Jay and the Ardent were plaguing him tonight? Rand was also aware that her anxiety was in a bit of over drive due to the thoughts keeping her awake. So she didn’t ask because she was probably way over thinking everything, but that didn’t lessen her anxiety. It was on her and not anything Roman had or had not done.

Rand

Roman was actually more comfortable with her than ever, and he only hadn’t gone to her tonight, or last night, because he didn’t want to be a pest, keeping her up every night for his own benefit of getting to sleep. The thoughts and the nightmares had been worse again lately, and it had been a poor time to choose to worry about that. But now he was more worried about why she couldn’t sleep, and while he didn’t want to ask directly, he sort of did want to know. He sipped his steaming tea and then said, “Do you want to talk about it?” The ‘it’ being the reason for her lack of sleep.

~ Roman

Rand didn’t want to talk about it, but she knew ignoring it only made it worse. It had taken time, but eventually Roman had trusted her enough to confide in her. She didn’t want him to think she didn’t trust him either. It wasn’t a petty type of tit-for-tat type of thing. Rand cared about him and she wanted him to know that. Plus she did trust him, she’d already told him about being in the hospital. She sipped at the tea, gathering her thoughts or maybe building courage to speak. “It started while I was in sickbay. I thought it would get better once I got to go back to my quarters, but it didn’t. I don’t....I don’t hate doctors or sickbay.” She was staring into the tea cup, not because she didn’t want to look at him, but she could almost see past events in the swirling tea, making her grip the cup tighter. “But having to stay…it reminded me of being in the hospital. Now I can’t stop thinking about it.” It of course being when she was in the hospital at 18 because of a stress-induced cardiomyopathy.

Rand

The story sounded all too familiar to him. Roman hadn’t disliked Sickbay, until avoidance of the bad memories associated with it evolved into nervousness and a general dislike of the whole idea. And the way Rand said she couldn’t stop thinking about it… It definitely sounded like the way the Ardent plagued his memories. He gave a soft, sympathetic sigh. “I used to recite to myself everything I know about a specific biologic element, like carbon, to redirect my thoughts.” That method didn’t work for him, not anymore, but he thought it might for Rand, if she did lines from a play in her head, maybe. Roman just wanted her to be able to sleep, to not be stuck with the long, frustrating nights he was so accustomed to.

~ Roman

Rand smiled, but it looked sad. She knew what he was getting at, and it used to work. In fact that had got her through being in sickbay…except for Roman’s late night visit. That had been better. “Carbon is the basis of life on Earth. That’s all I know.” She was trying to joke, but even she didn’t feel the humor. “I was reciting lines, but…” She looked at him her expression telling him it wasn’t working. “It makes me tired, but then when I start to fall asleep that’s all that’s on my mind. Randy would call it a negative Pygmalion effect. Because I think I will start thinking and worrying about what happened, I do.” In all actuality reciting lines woke her up. She enjoyed it and it too concentration. So she would do that till she was simply too tired to stay awake.

Rand

Roman was familiar with the effect, though he wouldn’t have known the name for it. He did that all the time. He couldn’t solve his own sleep problems, he knew he didn’t have any other advice for Rand, either. But he wished he did. All he could think, though he’d never say it out loud, was Welcome to hell. He could tell she was trying to joke, but neither of them felt the humour. “There’s always tea,” he said with a sigh, raising his cup slightly. “The coffee usually works better, though I find it best to take breaks from having them every night.”

~ Roman

Rand did smile softly and raised her own cup, “To tea.” She sipped slowly, both wanting the tea so it would work, and not wanting it because she’d already had it. “The coffee by itself isn’t so bad, but it’s the whiskey that makes it work. And the body can get used to anything and then it requires more to work.” Or in this case less - less sleep to function. It all caught up to you in the end. Rand knew this round of sleeplessness would pass eventually, for her anyway. Eventually Randy would notice and make her take a sedative. It wasn’t that bad, they just worked really well and would knock her out for both her days off.

Rand cupped the tea in both hands letting the warmth soothe her while she thought. “There’s always total physical exhaustion.”

Rand

Roman sipped his tea and then nodded. “When it gets less effective, I just start drinking the tea again. It’s worked well enough so far.” No one noticed when Roman was having a difficult time, mostly because he kept so much to himself. Until he couldn’t hide it anymore, like with the reports. “Yes, we all will eventually sleep. But it’ll be miserable leading up to the time one finally collapses and falls asleep.”

~ Roman

She really grinned that time, “Well yes, eventually our bodies will over rule our minds, and we would pass out. That’s not what I meant, Roman. I meant exercise, physical activity. Running in the morning wakes me up, but push pass that comfort level and you can work your body to exhaustion. If tea and coffee doesn’t work we could always try that.” Rand knew though by looking at him he was having a rougher time. She didn’t at first, those weeks ago when she noticed his reports. Now though, she noticed and she knew. She never pushed though because she knew he hated to share and didn’t like ‘bothering’ others with his problems. She wished though that he had asked her to bring tea, but she respected that sometimes he needed not to ask. She knew she hadn’t woken him, but if he wanted to be alone she didn’t want to bother him. “I’m not interrupting you am I?”

Rand

“Oh.” Roman must have been tired to miss her meaning so entirely. “I hadn’t thought of that.” It would take a while, probably, but it would work, of that Roman was sure. He still liked hearing her use his first name, and the use did not pass him by as easily as the meaning of her previous words. It made him smile, just a little bit. “Interrupting me? No, not at all.” He wasn’t sure what exactly she thought she was interrupting. His lack of sleep? Regardless, if she couldn’t sleep he’d rather her be here, even if he had been up to something important. Maybe even if he’d actually been sleeping.

~ Roman

She knew the only thing she’d interrupted was him trying to read till he fell asleep. But if he had fathered been alone she didn’t want him to feel he had to let her stay. Maybe she was being selfish, but she didn’t feel much like telling a story. All that came to mind was when she was in the hospital and she was trying to not think about that. Talking about physical exercise reminded her of watching him in the gym and his offer to teach her. “What was it like learning martial arts?” It was something he had seemed comfortable sharing so she felt like it was okay ask.

Rand

“You learn focus, discipline. And of course, old and unique fighting styles, depending on which martial art you choose to study. I am proficient in jiu jitsu.” He paused for a moment, and then said, “My classes came to be my favorite, besides science, of course.” School and classes was usually an okay topic. Sometimes he’d carefully avoid something, trying to avoid the memories that made him sad. But he wanted to help Rand, and if she wanted him to tell his own story, then he would find one he could tell.

~ Roman

The corners of her eyes crinkled a bit. “I didn’t think anything could compete with science.” Focus and discipline, those traits certainly served him well in his career. What if she had learned to be more assertive? What if she had more self discipline? Especially then, so she could have made the director listen? Walked out, stood up for herself? But if she could have done that she wouldn’t have needed to leave would she? She wouldn’t be here, hiding from the galaxy as a yeoman. That wasn’t so bad though, she liked what she was doing. She’d met Roman. But that wasn’t because of her, it was the doctors. They saved her and her ‘broken heart’, and her anxiety and what-ifs spiralled. She closed her eyes briefly as the terrifying moments returned, her face going pale a moment.

Rand of course didn’t give herself any credit. She had self-discipline to spare. Only those that really knew her, knew how much she struggled and knew what to look for. “Why jiu jitsu?” She wanted to elaborate, did he choose it or was it all that was offered. If he chose it, why, why did he like it. Why was it almost as enjoyed as science? But she felt like she couldn’t breathe making her voice strained. She could of course breathe, that was the anxiety making her feel like that. Or maybe this time it was the memory of pain and struggling to really breathe. Either way she just wanted to stop thinking about it.

Rand