<snip>

There was no way Logan was going to leave the room. Pushing his mom’s leg to obey his dad, Logan hoped she would understand what he needed her to do and why. She was his mom though so, of course, Chloe knew what to do.

“Okay, buddy. I got this,” she stood up and walked to the bedrooms. She didn’t mind doing it but the larger she got, the harder it was to extricate herself from the cushions. First, she grabbed Mara’s pillow followed by Logan’s. Tucking them under an arm, Chloe made her way to her bed. As she reached across the bed, she caught an image of herself in the mirror above the dresser. The reflection was so strange. Chloe did not have the dark circles under her eyes nor the slight frown, that seemed to be her neutral facial expression for the past year. Having Nate around was going to be a huge help. The issue with having him around, meant that at some point, Nathan would see how badly she needed him. Chloe had no idea if Nathan was going to stay the night or not. To be on the safe side, she walked to her dresser. The bottom left drawer held something that could change the course of the night. Exiting the room she walked back into the living room as Logan and Mara opened the presents Nate had given them. She knew one of them was hers but it was more fun to see the excitement on the kid’s face. It had been a long time since Logan appeared this happy.

“So what did you get chief,” she asked taking a seat on the couch by him as slips of paper fell like large crumpled snowflakes over her lap and feet. Seeing the gift in the box Chloe let out a small laugh. “Of all the things you could have bought you chose that,” she gestured down at the top of the box.

“It’s a family activity… we can all play.” Nathan said with a wink, he knew Chloe had a disdain for curling and in reality he had little love for the sport as it was nothing like baseball, but it had become a fun joke to play on his wife and a inside joke with his son.

Logan nodded rapidly hugging the huge box to his chest as Chloe feigned silly annoyance flopping back on the couch with a palm to her face moaning. “Why why oh why should anyone want to curl,” she acted out a silly praying voice that was full of despair as Logan laughed hard clapping his hands. Somewhere Nathan had found an indoor version of the ridiculous sport of curling complete with balloon stones you slide over the surface.

“I’s gots a wellepunt,” Mara held a stuffed elephant tightly to her chest rocking it back and forth. “That’s because elephants never forget just like your daddy has never forgotten how much he loves you and Logan,” Chloe toyed with the oversized ear of the gray plushy. “A Mommy and Daddy never forget how much they love their kids.”

“Like Maddie,” she asked looking at her mom. Mara was so lucky at times, Chloe always felt. She was able to have a pure love for her sister yet none of the pain of missing her. Sure she might one day regret not knowing her as well as she could have but it would never be the empty loss Nathan and Chloe felt.

“We are not talking about that,” Chloe said firmly ending the conversation as harsh as a slap across the cheek. Instantly she added, “because mommy got a present. Help me open it,” she passed the box to Mara. Chloe was not in a place to talk about anything to do with Maddie. Logan being a selective mute stopped his questions by default but Mara needed to learn we did not bring up those conversations. Watching the excitement at which Mara opened the gift brought a smile to Chloe’s face. While Chloe thought it was a piece of jewelry based on the size of the box, she wasn’t sure until it was opened. Seeing the shining gold pendant made her look at Nathan like she did back when they were young and in love. “Oh Nathan it’s beautiful,” she pulled the cross from the soft padded box. It was not ornate but far more meaningful. It was three baseball bats making the shape. The first bat stood alone and independent. The cross-part of the two was two bats pointe tip to tip so they almost seemed to twist about each other. The more she looked at it the more her mind wandered. Was Maddie the solid bat in the middle and she and Nate curled around her to make the classic T-shape? Was the bat in the middle all thier kids? Was she supposed to be the bat in the middle with her two remaining kids curled around her? Chloe felt her chest tighten some. The gift was beautiful. She just needed to leave it to that. “Thank you,” she said softy looking at Nathan. “I have something for you,” she gestured to the kitchen table where the old pair of Pj’s were sitting. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to get comfy or,” she shrugged. “You can change in either of the bedrooms if you want to,” she announced.

Chloe

Nathan looked closely at the clothes as a he felt a tug in his heartstrings as he stared at them. “You kept these?” he said softly as he looked up at her as he leaned in and gave her a kiss as he took them.

The question was far more stunning than the kiss. She expected the kiss. It was simple and routine between them. He asked for something obvious, she gave it to him and he kissed her. She wanted something not so obvious, she kissed him, and then she got it. Kissing was common and natural in their marriage but wasn’t obvious was the awkward questions and squirming glances that transpired between them. Also the loss of honesty. Of course I kept them, Nate. Wanna know another secret? I haven’t washed them in a year because it was one of the few things I had that smelled of you. When I needed your arms around me but you were too far away due to me pushing you away, I slept in them and held them. Cotton is a poor substitute for you Nathan but it was all I had, Chloe carried on a whole conversation in her head of what she wanted to say. Instead, she settled for, “why wouldn’t I?”

The moment between them drew the attention of the kids. How could it not? The times they were together were far less than the time they spent apart. Logan slid up next to Nate taking his free hand. Don’t go Dad please, he wanted to say so badly yet could not find the words to voice it. His hand felt so small in his father’s but safe and warm. He liked this feeling. When he held his dad’s hand, Logan felt strong and brave. His Dad gave him courage even if he had no idea when he was doing it. Maybe he could say one word. Just a single one with his hand in his fathers.

“I will be right back, Logan…” he said as he looked over at his son. “Stay… not all things are a group activity.” he said as he grabbed the clothes as he stepped aside before coming back in his baseball jersey with sweat pants. It was a simple look, but one he felt comfy in.

“See,” Chloe said rubbing Logan’s back gently as Nathan appeared from the bedroom. Leaving his mom’s side, Logan ran up to Nathan, throwing his arms around his waist. Hugging him he looked up at his Dad with a huge smile.

“So lets get some horrible awful snacks… more junk the better.” he said with a wink to Logan as he walked to the replicator selecting a smorgasbord of items for them all to have.

Nathan Harland

“Nathan,” Chloe said helping Mara get into a spot on the makeshift bed under a pale pink sheet printed with unicorns and large fluffy clouds. “I have living room snacks programmed into the replicator. Hit oh oh six,” she called out the program code. Listed on the page were no mess and largely no fun foods with water being the only drink option. Grapes, pretzels, unsalted unbuttered popcorn, raw nuts, carrot sticks, and assorted dry fruits.

“Oh we are going to limit ourselves I see? So no cheetos or pizza cheese grease balls?” he asked with sense of whim and humor as he began to hit the buttons on the replicator as it created the snacks for their little night together.

“Cake,” Mara’s eyes got large as she wiggled in the blankets. This had to be the best of all nights ever in her life.

“No more cake,” Chloe tickled her until she laughed. “We don’t eat in the living room.” With the white carpets and furniture greasy fingers would cause Chloe to have to clean nonstop. Chloe stared at the spots on the floor where the kids had started to snuggle down. Logan clearly was making a spot for Nathan between him and Mara. In the past, it went child, parent, child, parent-child with Logan always in the middle. Even here, among the pure happy moment, there was still a hole in their life. Rubbing her hands together Chloe moved towards the kitchen. She could not go on like this. Not anymore.

“Nate, could I…have a word....please,” Chloe scratched her forehead unsure how to start. Looking up at Nathan she felt a huge lump growing in her throat. “I can’t do this. I…I am not you. I don’t have the strength to get up, put my clothes on, head out,” her voice wasn’t strong. There was a weak warble to it like a thin frost on a sleeping bag when you slept out among the stars. One single motion could shatter it. Chloe looked up at Nathan moistening her lips to buy time to finish what she had to say. If she didn’t do it now there would never be another time. Her hands shook slightly so Chloe rubbed them slow disguising how her body was betraying her inner emotions.

Nathan paused as he looked at her as he took her hand and gently caressed it as he kept his gaze firmly on her “Take a deep breath love… ” he said as he was sure he understood what was coming next, the wounds were still fresh and it couldn’t be fixed instantly. How does one replace a child? You can’t, you just find a new you. The truth is a new one is never going to be the same.

“And if I don’t know who I am,” she said rhetorically in a shaky breath. “Nathan you have, had, a life where you had work and and was a husband and father. You coached little league and attended medical functions. I am not saying you miss anyone less than me but all I had was making breakfast, doing errands, scheduling naps,” Chloe rambled. Now I,” she paused deciding to focus on one thing.

“And you think I know who I was anymore. My world felt like a false shell where the only real things I had were you and the kids. Everything else felt wrong… and rotten… like something in the core was dying. I would have never made it there if it wasn’t for your love… never.” he said softly as he lifted her chin up as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

“Whoooooo,” she blew out a long steady breath as Nathan often instructed his patients to do when upset. “I…I don’t know,” she struggled with her words, “where I should lay down. It is kiddo, parent, kiddo, parent, kiddo with Logan always in the middle but we,” she stopped talking and turned her back to fumble with a cabinet. Her chest was on fire. The air seemed to disappear from the room. Chloe was about to fall apart. The kids had seen too many times her fall apart. She refused to let them anymore. Chloe focused hard on the random objects on the shelves. Her husband was a therapist and a darn good one. This was what he was good at so Chloe had to let him help her. That is what caused all the problems after that day in January. Chloe had stopped letting Nathan be good at the two things he was best at: being a husband and being a therapist.

“I have an idea, me you with kid between our legs, food in the middle. Pillows all around, we find…” Nathan paused as he kept himself strong. She needed strong, she couldn’t take him crumbling too. “We find our new us… we don’t forget… but we do find a way to move on. They need us, and I need you… I need you more than anything in the world.” he said as he gently rubbed her shoulder before leaning in to kiss her cheek.

Nathan Harland

“Mama Wogan not sharewing,” Mara called out pulling at a pillow as Logan laughed not releasing it. He had a pillow but because he was a brother, there were times you just did things at times to your sister for no obvious reason.

“Well at least somethings never change,” she looked over her shoulder. The two kids tugged and yanked with one laughing and one losing badly as Chloe and Nate approached carrying the tray of snacks. “Knock it off. Logan let go of the pillow,” she said trying to move into a spot on her hands and knees. The top of the tent hindered the normal sitting process. Looking at Mara, Logan waited until she was leaning back with all her strength before releasing the pillow. This caused Mara to tumble back into Chloe’s hip knocking the two of them over into the blankets. “Logan,” Chloe half laughed half scolded him. This caused far more laughter than probably was necessary. It also caused Mara to stand up with the newly gained pillow. The top of the tent bulging slightly over her head. “Mara sit down,” Chloe said as Mara picked up the pillow swinging it at Logan. She might be only two and a half but she was a fire cracker at times. Swinging the pillow, Mara caught the edge of the fabric on her back swing. Chloe looked at Nate just as the small tucks of fabric holding the tent up came free. Slowly the tent collapsed drifting gently around Nate and Chloe.

“I am glad you are here,” she said softly to her husband. The past three days had been a whirlwind of emotion. Every second Chloe felt like she was tettering on a ledge between normalcy and falling apart but right now, amidst all the things that had happened, Chloe smiled for the first time like she hadn’t done in a long time.

Chloe

“I’m always here if you want me… I never want to be anywhere else.” he said as he picked up Mara and swept her up in the air like she was a plane as her giggles exploded in the room.

Plopping her back on the ground he offered his hand to Chels, 6 months along was hard to try and get down and up all the time. She always had a harder time than normal. “Easy goes it mama bear.” he said softly as she got to the ground before he flopped down, pulling Logan into his embrace as he let a pillow between his legs for Logan to settle into. “Grab the blanket as you get comfy…” he told his son as the four of them got settled.

Nathan Harland

The family settled down next to each other as the movie began. It didn’t feel normal until the bright yellow block letters began to float up the screen. Nathan’s voice filled the room as he began to read.

Star Wars Episode XVI: Rise of JarJar

“It was a dark time in the Galatic Federation. The evil Empress Hajj Rit Sar had been defeated by her accolade JarJar who had been reincarnated from DNA retrieved from his tomb in Gunga City. After many years of hiding and plotting, he returned but not in his silly misspoken form but as a great dark sith ready to wreak havoc on the universe. Princess Reyleia and her ragtag band of freedom fighters,” Nate read the prologue in the steady cadence of a true narrator.

Chloe snuggled back softly brushing the hair off Mara’s face and behind her ear as she listened to her husband speak. Somewhere he had taken over the job of being the official reader to all Star Wars prologues. The sound of his voice just made things seem like they were back to normal. So normal that Chloe never noticed how she leaned in and laid her head on his shoulder as the movie began.

Four hours later Chloe opened her eyes. Arching her back she tried to work out the stiff muscles that made her feel more like Quasimoto than a Starfleet officer. Mara was dead weight against her thighs falling asleep long ago. Glancing at the clock she blinked several times seeing the time. A voice rang out in the apartment making her let out a small laugh.

***You sa thinka you defeats me,” cackled the laugh of the evil red-eyed Gungan. “The force will defeat you as it did Hajj Rit Sar, Palpatine, Vader and all those that came before him,” Princess Reyleia spoke as the sound of sabers crashed in the background.

Finding the remote on the blankets between them Chloe clicked off the remote. “Yessa, I did defeat yous just like that,” she imitated the actor. Staring at the room she could see the forms of her family among the pillows and blankets. Life might not ever be the same but it did not mean it had to be unhappy. Right now was a happy moment and if she didn’t see it, she would be a fool. Shifting her body, Chloe moved her leg so that Mara was no longer propped up on her pelvis. A soft moan escaped Mara’s lips as the little girl flopped over onto her pillow. Nate had long moved Logan to the other side of his body. Curling up on his chest, Chloe closed her eyes and fell asleep. It was rare that Nate was sleeping on his back but his position allowed her to stretch out and find a comfortable position.

Chloe

— Morning —

The smell of the coffee could be smelled throughout the house as the first wafts of it would have just now began to tickle Chloe’s nostrils as day began to break. Of course on any base/starship morning breaking was all a construct, there was no real day or night as they had no sun to truly gauge when they should be getting up. The ship though helped simulate the day and night through bright and dark tones for it’s crew to try and simulate the experience.

Next to where Chloe had slept in the living room would find her in her own private cocoon of blankets and pillows. The remnants of the ones the kids and Nathan had used long sense been placed away. The quarters looked more pristine than when Nathan had arrived that night, but that wasn’t to say there was much out of place. Chloe had paid so much attention before his arrival Nathan had found little truly clean.

Nathan meanwhile sat on the couch dressed in his uniform with his leg place over his other as he sipped his coffee while reading his PaDD. He liked to stay abreast of news in whatever region he was in as he glanced over the details before he placed his cup down on the table to his left. With Chloe not much father away on the floor it was clear in many ways Nathan didn’t wish to leave her side, yet no sign of children could be heard in her quarters as it seemed clear they were alone.

Small ruffling could be heard as Nathan glanced down, placing the PaDD on the couch he smiled softly as he saw small signs of life on the floor. “Morning doll face.” could be heard softly as Nathan slid down on the floor next to her as he sat Indian style as he leaned in and kissed the top of her head. “I got food and coffee when you are fully awake, I know until you get three cups I have to deal with baby Chloe but as baby Chloe… has a baby coming… it’s sadly decafe my love.” he said softly in her heard as he brushed back some of the locks of her that covered her face.

Nathan Harland

Chloe struggled to focus on Nathan as her eyes were having a hard time focusing. While most people were mean or grumpy before their coffee, she was pliable and making decisions a struggle. Want chocolate cake for breakfast, as her when she was half asleep. Need money for something, bring her, her purse during a dead sleep with the bus waiting outside. Ask her something important like will you marry me, and she would murmur, sounds good. If there was one thing Chloe Harland did, it was not greeting the world before several cups of coffee. Chloe stretched and reached out placing her hand on Nate’s leg. “But Nate you know I need it,” she said softly looking up at him. Her face was so relaxed and for the first time since he had arrived on the Outpost, Chloe’s jaw was not holding the slight tension making her appear stressed. “Come on baby. You are a doctor right,” she inhaled deeply and then let out an equally deep yawn.

“Yes… and you my Clo Bell are a nurse… a darn fine one at that. You don’t need to ruin your sterling reputation by trying to drink caffeine when you know it isn’t going to be good for the baby.” Nathan said softly as he kissed the top of her head as he knew this wouldn’t be the end of this conversation.

“Then make me able to do things,” she rubbed her eye with the back of her hand. “Give me whats left of your coffee?” She rolled on her side to face him. Her belly stuck out enough that she didn’t need to place her right hand in front of her to brace herself. Brushing her hair over her shoulder she looked up at him with an innocent pleading expression. “I cheat,” she announced like one of their kids confessing a lie. “I have one cup to kick me off,” she said looking up at him with her deep chocolate brown eyes. After sleeping all night her makeup had slightly smeared creating little dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was pulled up in a loose bun that was sitting low and to the left of her head after being slept on all night. A few wisps of hair dangled down her cheeks. The plaid pajama shirt had the sleeves rolled up because it was an old one of Nate’s so in order to find her hands, it needed to be cuffed several times. This version of Chloe was one people rarely saw. It was the personal version of Chloe. It was the Chloe only Nathan saw puttering around his house, barefoot on a Saturday morning where she was in comfy clothes and relaxing. It was the Chloe only Nathan saw, skipping out of work early to find her in sweats picking up the house or washing the dishes. This Chloe wasn’t the sexy version that hung on his arm in glittering dresses at a hospital function. The Chloe lying at his feet was the woman that was in love with him in all her non-dolled up glory. “Please,” she said softly batting her eyes at him in an over-exaggerated manner. “Give me just a teeny weeny bit of what I need?”

Chloe

“Okay… I will let you have one of what I had… just one.” Nathan said as he got up from the floor as he moved over to the table, grabbing the pot as he poured the drink, putting the creamer he knew she loved and the right amount of sugar as he came back with two cups for them each as he carefully slid down onto the floor with her. “Her you go doll face.” he said as he handed her the cup. The truth was though as she would begin to drink, Nathan had not made any coffee with caffeine as it was all decaf. Nathan always restricted what he had when she was with child. He also knew she would have never remembered he did this in her sleep addled state.

Nathan Harland

Pushing up awkwardly, Chloe gripped the cup and blew over the edge savoring the warmth of it. Sipping it the only thing she could think of was it felt like home. It tasted exactly the way she remembered. Only Nate made it this way. Handing the cup to him, Chloe pushed the rest of the way up to move to the couch. “My back feels like someone beat me,” she laughed reaching over to take the mug back. “Maybe we do movie night in the bed next time.” Sipping the coffee again, Chloe worked to focus her eyes on something but the back of her eyelids. She was so tired anymore. It never felt like she slept enough nor was there enough coffee to wake her up. “I did have a wonderful time though…last night,” she said staring off into space as she drank her coffee. “It was nice having you here.”

“I love being here doll face, it’s all I wanted… for such a long time. I’m only sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” Nathan said as he took a sip from his own coffee as he sat next to her.

Laying her head on his shoulder, Chloe struggled to get past the moment where you woke up from waking up. “What time is it,” she said in a soft tone.

“It’s around…” Nathan began but found her chiming in as soon as he spoke.

“Seven forty-five,” she said in synchrony with Nate as the comm line began to ring. Rocking forward, she tried once, twice, and then finally a third time to reach the remote to activate the wall PaDD. Without fail, her mother called every day to make sure things were on track.

“Chloe,” Jennifer’s chipper and slightly soprano voice rang through the room. The image behind her mom was a pure carbon copy of Chloe’s new quarters. White furniture, white carpets, with navy blue accents. Jen was dressed as if it were eleven am and she was on her way to brunch. Her hair was perfectly styled, her clothes perfectly pressed, and she was wearing the thin single row of pearls so common for the women of the state.

“Morning mom,” Chloe said rubbing her eyes again. She was going to have to be focused and ready now that her mother was making her daily call. For the past two months, Jen Kendrick had called her daughter twice daily to make sure things were still fine. Her parents had come out with Chloe and the kids to help set things up. They were already booking their trip to come to visit in two weeks.

“Oh my god look at you. It’s almost eight. Why haven’t you showered yet? Did you forget your med…icine. Nathan,” she stopped peppering her daughter with the buckshot of questions seeing her soon to be ex-son in law next to her on the couch. “I…I didn’t know you were visiting.”

Chloe

“It’s worse than that, I moved in.” Nathan said with a slight lie but filled with tons of snark. He wasn’t really on the best terms with Jen or her family, but the truth was he had just tried talking to her two weeks ago and no comments about the baby, or the move at all. He didn’t really appreciate being placed in the dark all this time, something he would most likely need to work with Chloe on but right now he needed a more unified front.

Nathan Harland

“Oh that is ahhhmazing,” Jen said with a stiff smile. “It will be good for the children to see you both can…be civil to each other. Divorce is hard but showing the children,”

“Mom I not sure we are,” Chloe slid her hand into Nathan’s. No matter what was happening, as long as she could have her hand in his, te problem seemed smaller and trivial somehow. As her fingers closed around Nate’s, Chloe leaned over to his ear whispering. “Sure I can’t have some real coffee?”

“You are not showing the children that you can get along,” she cocked her head to the side sipping her coffee. “Honey did you take your meds,” Jen asked gently.

“Nate and I are working it out,” she said in a steady voice. It was what she wanted more than anything in the world. She just wanted to do it with him and not the world yet. So many people had been affected by their split. The past nine months had been pure hell on everyone. To assume they would kiss and make up as easily as she and Nate did was silly. “He stayed over and…this is good for us.” The hesitation in her voice was noticeable to everyone in the room however it was interpreted differently by everyone. Chloe knew that one night snuggling under the blankets would not fix everything between them but it was a start.

Jen could hear the sound in her daughter’s voice and logged it as a conversation for later. “Well, that is nice. We can discuss it more when we get there next week. your father found that model he wanted to build with Logan. I have bought Mara so many of those puppy pal dolls you will need to get a room just for them. Have you turned that third bedroom into a playroom as I suggested? You have so little room compared to your house in the Vineyard. Without a foyer everyone entering your house will see the toys and such so it will be easier to keep clean especially with the new baby coming. Did you find the sex yet? Is the appointment today or tomorrow,” Jen tried to keep a chipper tone as if this was just a normal everyday conversation? “We need to start planning on how we are doing the baby’s room. Yellow and green motifs are just for lazy decorating.”

Handing Nate her cup, Chloe stood and made her way to the kitchen as her mom talked. She was already getting a headache. On top of all the things happening in Chloe Harland’s life, the baby was the least of her worries right now. She also felt that icky twinge in her spine that rippled through her body when she was caught lying or doing something bad. Opening a cabinet Chloe took two pills out of her bottle and swallowed them as she replicated another cup of coffee. Taking the cup she swallowed a large gulp downing the pills. “We will start decorating as soon as we know. The appointment was today was canceled. I was going to call you and tell you later. So how is dad,” Chloe did not make eye contact with her mom or Nate as she began to fold her blankets still laying on the floor.

Random chit chat filled the room for the next ten minutes as Jen caught Chloe up on all the family business including reminding her how much she was missing being that far away. Chloe gave the appropriate yes and no responses as she stacked up the mess on the floor only half-listening to her mother. It was only when Jen began talking to Nathan did Chloe actually pay attention to the conversation.

“I am glad to see you have finally decided to try and work this out with Chloe, Nathan but just take it slow. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds,” Jen set her cup down with a clink but Chloe needs to have as little stress as possible and,”

“And it is time for me to get ready for work. Love you mom,” she said picking up the remote. Blowing several kisses at the screen, Chloe ended the transmission in mid-sentence as her mom talked. She would contact her mom later. Right now she was still struggling to wake up enough to deal with the day. There were also the weird topics her mother brought up in Nate’s presence. Chloe needed forward progress instead of backward. Setting the remote on the table, she sat in the chair facing the couch looking at her husband.

“She calls every morning before eight and every night at six to spend time with the kids. Not always but most of the time she calls around eleven to make sure I am getting to bed at a decent time. I feel like I am a teen again which makes me some weird teen mom then according to Jen Kendrick,” Chloe laughed uncomfortably. “So when do you start your shift?” Chloe finally stopped rambling long enough to take a sip of her coffee. “You look really handsome in that uniform. I am not sure if I told you that or not. No caffeine means I swear I don’t fully wake up before lunch,” she laughed.

Chloe