Posted by Lieutenant Nathan Harland (Counselor) in Chloe’s Quarters - Guess who is coming to dinner

Posted by Ensign Chloe Harland (Nurse) in Chloe’s Quarters - Guess who is coming to dinner

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There was no way Logan was going to leave the room. Pushing his mom’s leg to obey his dad, Logan hoped she would understand what he needed her to do and why. She was his mom though so, of course, Chloe knew what to do.

“Okay, buddy. I got this,” she stood up and walked to the bedrooms. She didn’t mind doing it but the larger she got, the harder it was to extricate herself from the cushions. First, she grabbed Mara’s pillow followed by Logan’s. Tucking them under an arm, Chloe made her way to her bed. As she reached across the bed, she caught an image of herself in the mirror above the dresser. The reflection was so strange. Chloe did not have the dark circles under her eyes nor the slight frown, that seemed to be her neutral facial expression for the past year. Having Nate around was going to be a huge help. The issue with having him around, meant that at some point, Nathan would see how badly she needed him. Chloe had no idea if Nathan was going to stay the night or not. To be on the safe side, she walked to her dresser. The bottom left drawer held something that could change the course of the night. Exiting the room she walked back into the living room as Logan and Mara opened the presents Nate had given them. She knew one of them was hers but it was more fun to see the excitement on the kid’s face. It had been a long time since Logan appeared this happy.

“So what did you get chief,” she asked taking a seat on the couch by him as slips of paper fell like large crumpled snowflakes over her lap and feet. Seeing the gift in the box Chloe let out a small laugh. “Of all the things you could have bought you chose that,” she gestured down at the top of the box.

“It’s a family activity… we can all play.” Nathan said with a wink, he knew Chloe had a disdain for curling and in reality he had little love for the sport as it was nothing like baseball, but it had become a fun joke to play on his wife and a inside joke with his son.

Logan nodded rapidly hugging the huge box to his chest as Chloe feigned silly annoyance flopping back on the couch with a palm to her face moaning. “Why why oh why should anyone want to curl,” she acted out a silly praying voice that was full of despair as Logan laughed hard clapping his hands. Somewhere Nathan had found an indoor version of the ridiculous sport of curling complete with balloon stones you slide over the surface.

“I’s gots a wellepunt,” Mara held a stuffed elephant tightly to her chest rocking it back and forth. “That’s because elephants never forget just like your daddy has never forgotten how much he loves you and Logan,” Chloe toyed with the oversized ear of the gray plushy. “A Mommy and Daddy never forget how much they love their kids.”

“Like Maddie,” she asked looking at her mom. Mara was so lucky at times, Chloe always felt. She was able to have a pure love for her sister yet none of the pain of missing her. Sure she might one day regret not knowing her as well as she could have but it would never be the empty loss Nathan and Chloe felt.

“We are not talking about that,” Chloe said firmly ending the conversation as harsh as a slap across the cheek. Instantly she added, “because mommy got a present. Help me open it,” she passed the box to Mara. Chloe was not in a place to talk about anything to do with Maddie. Logan being a selective mute stopped his questions by default but Mara needed to learn we did not bring up those conversations. Watching the excitement at which Mara opened the gift brought a smile to Chloe’s face. While Chloe thought it was a piece of jewelry based on the size of the box, she wasn’t sure until it was opened. Seeing the shining gold pendant made her look at Nathan like she did back when they were young and in love. “Oh Nathan it’s beautiful,” she pulled the cross from the soft padded box. It was not ornate but far more meaningful. It was three baseball bats making the shape. The first bat stood alone and independent. The cross-part of the two was two bats pointe tip to tip so they almost seemed to twist about each other. The more she looked at it the more her mind wandered. Was Maddie the solid bat in the middle and she and Nate curled around her to make the classic T-shape? Was the bat in the middle all thier kids? Was she supposed to be the bat in the middle with her two remaining kids curled around her? Chloe felt her chest tighten some. The gift was beautiful. She just needed to leave it to that. “Thank you,” she said softy looking at Nathan. “I have something for you,” she gestured to the kitchen table where the old pair of Pj’s were sitting. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to get comfy or,” she shrugged. “You can change in either of the bedrooms if you want to,” she announced.

Chloe

Nathan looked closely at the clothes as a he felt a tug in his heartstrings as he stared at them. “You kept these?” he said softly as he looked up at her as he leaned in and gave her a kiss as he took them.

The question was far more stunning than the kiss. She expected the kiss. It was simple and routine between them. He asked for something obvious, she gave it to him and he kissed her. She wanted something not so obvious, she kissed him, and then she got it. Kissing was common and natural in their marriage but wasn’t obvious was the awkward questions and squirming glances that transpired between them. Also the loss of honesty. Of course I kept them, Nate. Wanna know another secret? I haven’t washed them in a year because it was one of the few things I had that smelled of you. When I needed your arms around me but you were too far away due to me pushing you away, I slept in them and held them. Cotton is a poor substitute for you Nathan but it was all I had, Chloe carried on a whole conversation in her head of what she wanted to say. Instead, she settled for, “why wouldn’t I?”

The moment between them drew the attention of the kids. How could it not? The times they were together were far less than the time they spent apart. Logan slid up next to Nate taking his free hand. Don’t go Dad please, he wanted to say so badly yet could not find the words to voice it. His hand felt so small in his father’s but safe and warm. He liked this feeling. When he held his dad’s hand, Logan felt strong and brave. His Dad gave him courage even if he had no idea when he was doing it. Maybe he could say one word. Just a single one with his hand in his fathers.

“I will be right back, Logan…” he said as he looked over at his son. “Stay… not all things are a group activity.” he said as he grabbed the clothes as he stepped aside before coming back in his baseball jersey with sweat pants. It was a simple look, but one he felt comfy in.

“See,” Chloe said rubbing Logan’s back gently as Nathan appeared from the bedroom. Leaving his mom’s side, Logan ran up to Nathan, throwing his arms around his waist. Hugging him he looked up at his Dad with a huge smile.

“So lets get some horrible awful snacks… more junk the better.” he said with a wink to Logan as he walked to the replicator selecting a smorgasbord of items for them all to have.

Nathan Harland

“Nathan,” Chloe said helping Mara get into a spot on the makeshift bed under a pale pink sheet printed with unicorns and large fluffy clouds. “I have living room snacks programmed into the replicator. Hit oh oh six,” she called out the program code. Listed on the page were no mess and largely no fun foods with water being the only drink option. Grapes, pretzels, unsalted unbuttered popcorn, raw nuts, carrot sticks, and assorted dry fruits.

“Cake,” Mara’s eyes got large as she wiggled in the blankets. This had to be the best of all nights ever in her life.

“No more cake,” Chloe tickled her until she laughed. “We don’t eat in the living room.” With the white carpets and furniture greasy fingers would cause Chloe to have to clean nonstop. Chloe stared at the spots on the floor where the kids had started to snuggle down. Logan clearly was making a spot for Nathan between him and Mara. In the past, it went child, parent, child, parent-child with Logan always in the middle. Even here, among the pure happy moment, there was still a whole in their life. Rubbing her hands together Chloe moved towards the kitchen. She could not go on like this. Not anymore.

“Nate, could I…have a word....please,” Chloe scratched her forehead unsure how to start. Looking up at Nathan she felt a huge lump growing in her throat. “I can’t do this. I…I am not you. I don’t have the strength to get up, put my clothes on, head out,” her voice wasn’t strong. There was a weak warble to it like a thin frost on a sleeping bag when you slept out among the stars. One single motion could shatter it. Chloe looked up at Nathan moistening her lips to buy time to finish what she had to say. If she didn’t do it now there would never be another time. Her hands shook slightly so Chloe rubbed them slow disguising how her body was betraying her inner emotions.

“Whoooooo,” she blew out a long steady breath as Nathan often instructed his patients to do when upset. “I…I don’t know,” she struggled with her words, “where I should lay down. It is kiddo, parent, kiddo, parent, kiddo with Logan always in the middle but we,” she stopped talking and turned her back to fumble with a cabinet. Her chest was on fire. The air seemed to disappear from the room. Chloe was about to fall apart. The kids had seen too many times her fall apart. She refused to let them anymore. Chloe focused hard on the random objects on the shelves. Her husband was a therapist and a darn good one. This was what he was good at so Chloe had to let him help her. That is what caused all the problems after that day in January. Chloe had stopped letting Nathan be good at the two things he was best at: being a husband and being a husband.

Chloe