Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind

Posted by Lieutenant Dr. Mariah Lee Grayson (Chief of Psychiatry) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind
Posted by… suppressed (17) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Silence ensued, but Dira was not avoiding the question. In fact, she was pondering over it carefully. “I think back then it felt more… direct. It was me and my patient, and if the outcome was negative, then that was on me, right? Or it felt that way at the time. I was in my residency so I didn’t have the experience to see that there were any number of variables that might have contributed to that person’s ultimate decision. I couldn’t be everywhere, all the time. I guess the difference I feel now is that back then it wasn’t my choices that led to the outcome. This time it was. There’s no amount of rationalizing that changes that fact, so it’s something I’m going to have to live with.” Talking it out, she felt no active pain about it and had effectively pulled herself back out to gain a better prespective. But was it just masking her feelings? She wasn’t sure just now.

Captain Myqian, CO

“It is true you’ll have to live with whatever happens,“ Mariah acknowledged. “That was as true then as it is now. The question is, why do you think you must be, and absolutely can be, even more infallible now than you could’ve been then?“

, Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Her immediate reaction was to deny Grayson’s assertion, and so strong was the impulse that her own reaction caught her off guard. Her lips parted and Dira sucked in a breath, shaking her head, mostly at herself. She looked ahead, taking in the waves as they swelled and rolled onto the sandy beach. The truth was one she already knew, and it had been tucked safely in the back of her mind. It was one she had already voiced to Zoi. It was a fear. A real one, but a fear nonetheless.

“I don’t think I can be, but my impulse lately is to ensure I give Command no reason to second-guess their decision to put me in command of the Ogawa. Is it rational? Perhaps not, but after everything with Franks? I guess I don’t want to give anyone a reason to question my judgement, even I still might.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah didn’t immediately connect Franks’ kidnapping of Dira to her struggles now, but now that she’d brought it up, she realized she should have and it made sense. Taking her own advice internally, Mariah did not beat herself up for it, but decided to take a risk with some self-disclosure. “I didn’t make the connection between this and what happened with Franks. Thinking of it now, it seems obvious and I should have. If you hadn’t verbalized it just now, I’m not sure I would have made the direct connection, and making these connections is critical to helping people maintain their mental health.” Grayson sighed. “Maybe you should be questioning my judgement.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira shook her head. “There’s been enough time and space that they are disconnected events. And they should be. Even I know that. I’m good at compartmentalizing and so that’s what people will see, including you. We’re still getting to know each other, Mariah. You shouldn’t expect to be inside my head. After all, I’m the telepath,” she said with a teasing smirk.

The smile faded and Dira drew in a deep breath. “But there are moments when my body just freezes or I can feel everything tense. Sometimes it’s just walking the deck late at night and approaching a corner. Sometimes it’s that nightmare I had of Franks that hasn’t fully gone away. It’s not a problem, but I’m aware of my reactions. And now my ship and crew have been through a traumatic event. And so have I as their leader. My paranoia is to deny that reality about myself, but I know it’s not useful to do so.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah smiled in response to Dira’s own smile and sense of humor. As was so often the case with people in general and Dira in particular, it was easier to be forgiving of others. “Why would you want to deny your own increased awareness of your body’s reactions? What does being aware of your body’s very understandable reactions mean exactly?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Silence swirled around them and Dira let it envelope her for a moment, taking solace in having time to work through her thoughts. While Mariah would of course be able to work with her even if her words were a bit muddled, she knew she would benefit most by giving herself time to find a bit of clarity.

“When you do command training, you learn tactics and protocols. You work through scenarios and options. You learn a vessel inside and out and so too with a crew. And there is one important piece to being in command that they can talk about, but not really teach: intuition. Not all, but many great commanding officers trust their intuition. They listen to that inner voice and when it speaks loudly, they heed it, because they know it’s offering something valuable to the situation that all the sensor data and expertise in the galaxy can’t compete with.” Dira turned her head to gaze at Mariah again. “The problem with being so attuned to my physical reactions and my turbulent thoughts is that it’s very easy for all that input to drown out my intuition. And then I second-guess myself. And that’s where mistakes get made. Mistakes that can mean life and death. I feel disconnected to my intuition Mariah. Not all the time, but enough that it’s causing me some anxiety. And whether they are actively aware of it or not, a crew can pick up on a CO’s uncertainty. And that can undermine their confidence in me. I can’t have that happen.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Bump

Mariah appreciated the thoughtfulness Dira had given her response. She also knew Dira had identified something many trauma survivors had to contend with - the enhanced sensitivity of her nervous system as a result of the trauma she had experienced. Myqian had survived life threatening danger, and her fight, flight, or freeze response had served her well. Now the challenge was deaing with a nervous system that was hypersensitive to threats, perceived or otherwise, prone to sounding a red alert before her brain could determine if the alert was truly warranted or a knee jerk reaction. Practice with coping skills would strengthen that particular muscle, but for now, there seemed to be a deeper core belief driving Dira’s anxiety. “You believe a Commanding Officer must portray certainty at all times. That even if, after considering all the options you have and taking into account strategies and tactics along with your intution, you still carry uncertainty, that is the worst possible sin a commanding officer can commit?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira sucked in a breath and blew it out. “No, not exactly. It’s okay to not know something, and I’m okay admitting to my crew when I’m unsure and need more information. We’re a team. We work together and we blend our expertise to handle the situations that come our way. But there’s a difference between that and not being able to make a decision in a crisis or intense moment. There’s real risk there, Mariah.”

She sat up and turned on her lounger to face Grayson, crossing her legs. “I’ve not told anyone here the precise story of how Franks and I came to butt heads, but it wasn’t dissimilar from the situation we’re talking about. Sort of.” Dira sighed. “He was being cocky and caused an accident with our runabout while we were heading to an asteroid to rescue some miners. We had a short time frame to do this before a rescue was no longer possible and the asteroid hit a gas giant in the system. But in the ensuring chaos of him crashing the runabout because he wanted to show off flying skills he clearly didn’t have, he stalled. He didn’t act. There were other circumstances afterwards that made me relieve him of duty and take over command of the away team, but his inaction caused us, the away team, to be harmed, and he seriously damaged the runabout enough, on a rescue mission, that we required another runabout to rescue us.”

She held up her hands. “I know, I know. They are different scenarios and we are different people, but back then I felt a confidence in my actions that propelled me towards the position I have now as a captain. I might even say that Franks’ incompetence, his showing me what not to do as a commander, is what made me a good first officer here. As a captain now? I have settled into the role, and most of the time I feel steady. Competent. But the rest of the time I can’t help but feel I’m one step away from being removed from my job. Maybe it’s impostor syndrome, but everything with Franks makes me feel like a liability. The exact liability that I’m afraid Command is watching for. So I second-guess myself ,and thus I am in a cycle that is bound to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then that damn nightmare of myself pregnant with Franks’ baby pops up and makes it ten times worse. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Bump

“Not wanting to feel that way is the problem, I believe,“ Mariah responded after taking in Dira’s recounting of her past with Franks. “It’s natural to want to avoid experiences and feelings that caused pain, but have you ever considered that avoidance is what’s fueling and compounding your trauma reactions? I know this is counterintuitive and will take time and practice to implement, but it’s not your moments of self-doubt that are the problem, it’s what you are telling yourself those moments mean now and what they could mean in the future that’s the problem. It’s like noticing your heart is being faster, and as a result, telling yourself that means you’re having a heart attack. That leads to more anxious thoughts, which leads to more physical sensations and emotional reactions, which in turn leads to more anxious thoughts. What if instead of focusing on how much you don’t want to feel these things, you worked on surrendering to the feelings and accepting them?“

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP
.

Even with all her years of experience and all the knowledge she had gained, there were reasons even great therapists needed their own therapist to help them untangle the messiness of life. It was what had propelled her to the counselling suite in the very beginning with Séan. And so, she was grateful to Mariah, even if in this moment the feedback was creating a great deal of discomfort.

Dira braced her arms across her thighs and bowed her head, breathing hard and trying to pull out the thread of a thought that had come to her the moment Mariah asked her about surrendering. “Those feelings are tied up with so much,” Dira said, lifting her head and letting tears streak over her light brown cheeks. “I can’t* surrender, not with this! Not to him!” The vehemence of her words surprised her enough that she jolted upright.

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah rose to her feet as well, but slowly and only after taking a beat. She moved just a bit closer to Dira, wanting to offer the comfort of physical proximity, but not to crowd her. “The war you’re in now isn’t with him,” she offered softly. “The person you’re fighting now didn’t ask for any of this and she just wants to put down her weapons. Telling her mind and body not to respond the way it has every right to respond is like expecting her to hold in a sneeze for the rest of her life when the universe has surrounded her with everything she’s allergic to.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira braced her head in her hands, her fingers sliding into the dense short curls that clung to her scalp. Her breath caught in her throat and her chest felt tight. She tried to suck in a breath but her body shook with the effort. Some part of her knew that Mariah was right, and somewhere deeper she even knew what needed to happen, but that Dira, the one with the observational abilities and therapeutic skills was not available right now. Here and now she was simply a wounded woman trying desperately to stop everything from slipping through her fingers.

When she tried to draw in another breath, she was more successful but it was followed by a chocked sob. “I don’t know how anymore!” How did she set it down when everything was bound up in a series of events that had so utterly changed her life? Extracting Franks, his behaviour and his effect on her was not a simple process. Dia lifted her head, tears streaming down her face. “I hate him, Mariah. I hate him so much, for making me afraid of myself. But it’s because of him that I made the decision to pursue command. I don’t know how to set anything down without losing the parts I want to keep. It feels inextricable He stole something from me and I don’t know how to get it back!”

Captain Myqian, CO

“I do,” Mariah answered simply, not with arrogance but with the gentleness of someone who had been inviting people to lay down their traumas for some time. She remained where she was but placed a hand on Dira’s shoulder. She was quiet but direct. “Letting go of your hate and fear isn’t letting him off the hook for what he did, it’s letting you off the hook for whatever it is you think you think you did wrong. Franks isn’t the reason you chose command, you are. If you want a silver lining from this, it’s not what he did, it’s what you did.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Tears still streaming down her face, Dira just sat with Mariah’s words. She didn’t try to qualify them and compare them against her own thoughts, she just let their implications settle over her.

Two minutes later, maybe even five, Dira wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m so tired, Mariah. I think a part of this is all, the part where I blame myself is where I got tricked into dampening my telepathy for the much-needed relief. I was desperate because it felt like I was losing my mind. In some ways I was. And the headband that I can now use whenever I need it was an extraordinary gift. But using it left me vulnerable and I just walked right into a dangerous situation without ever thinking.” She turned her face to Grayson again, meeting her gaze. “It was costly mistake, one a command officer can’t just brush off.” And there it was, the tally of mistakes she was keeping track of, using as evidence against herself.

She shook her head and rubbed her ridged forehead with her fingertips before giving a bitter chuckle. “When we’re doing command training, they teach us all sorts of things. Practical as well as hypothetical and regulatory. The rest we have to learn by experience, but the reality is that most first officers have many years before they get a command of their own. A whole ton happened on this ship in a short period of time before I found myself in Command. Somedays I just want to unwind time a little so I had the time to process one thing before being asked to handle the next. But that’s not reality and this is the job. I wanted this.” She smiled softly. “I love this ship, and this crew. I’d give my life in a heartbeat for them if needed. I feel like I now and understand who Dira Myqian is as a captain, how she wants to be. But I’ve been in Starfleet a long time. Something about our recent excitement”- she gestured with her hand to indicate the whole scenario that made them get R&R here in the first place-“reminded me that it wasn’t all that long ago when some obsessed former patient and crew mate tried to abduct him and damaged my confidence along the way. I want to believe I’m a good captain, despite it all, but I think there’s a part of me that questions my own judgement. And if I’m doing that, it won’t be long before Starfleet does as well.” It felt like their conversation had come full circle, but there had been significant changes since they started. More than a few ‘aha’ moments.

Captain Myqian, CO

If Mariah relied solely on Dira’s words, she might’ve believed they had made no progress at all. In fact, verbally speaking, it had seemed they were right back where they started. However,, Grayson knew something had shifted. The long pauses, the hesitation, all pointed to the opportunity for change. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to think a therapist. turned Captain would need time to let words sink in. “Sometimes it’s less scary to think about the possibility of losing everything you ever wanted than it is to think about the possibility of it succeeding beyond your wildest dreams.“

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

A snort erupted before Dira could fully process the reaction. She smirked at Grayson. “Well, at least if I have specific issues we’re being consistent. It’s not the first time I’ve struggled with my confidence. I did at the beginning of my psychiatry career too. Had a bunch of poor outcomes in a row that made me question whether I was even meant for that path. I had to push through just like I do now.”

Drawing in a deep breath and rolling her shoulders she gazed at Mariah and felt calmer, even if the worry hadn’t fully gone away. “I have another confession,” she said, slightly sheepish. “So, I’m going through medical testing to see if I have some sort of underlying condition that’s been causing a list of really random symptoms. It’s all been minor and frankly a lot of it could have just been what a person experiences when they are under stress and until I got dizzy in the shower. They’ve definitely found things that are off but there’s no discernible cause, so treating any of it is problematic. And it’s honestly it’s been more annoying than anything” She gazed out over at the ocean waves rolling onto the sandy beach. “I know this is adding to the pressure I feel to be a good captain, to be someone they can’t find fault in. I know that intellectually, but all of it together leaves me… scared.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah’s compassion and concern only grew as she listened to Dira reveal her medical struggles. While the captain had every right to keep her physical condition private for as long as she wished, Grayson appreciated she was no longer choosing to do so, both as a clinical piece to the puzzle and as a sign of her trust in Mariah. “Feeling scared is completely understandable in these circumstances. Thank you for trusting me with this. Would you like me to coordinate with your medical team. Perhaps if we all put our heads together, we can come up with with ways to get to the bottom of this mystery and support you as much as possible at the same time.” Grayson knew her suggestion might make the other woman uncomfortable, as even though mine and body shared a strong connection, revealing emotions and psychological struggles required a certain level of vulnerability that at the very least matched the most intimate and invasive physical exam.

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira rubbed the fingers of her right hand with her left, as if she could dampen the stealth anxiety that seemed to surface more often than she would like lately. She drew in a deep breath, letting it fill her lungs and expand her ribcage. She focused on the careful process of exhalation that drew the brath out of her body in a measured pace. “Soon, but not yet,” she said.

“I am not going to discount there is a psychological component to my illness, but I want to give them time to run some more tests first and see where we end up.” She gazed at Mariah. “How about I call you into the situation when we get a bit farther into the process?”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah nodded. She didn’t want to overwhelm Dira or leave her feeling torn, just supported. “That’s absolutely fine,” Grayson replied. “Just know I’m here when you need.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP