Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind

Posted by Lieutenant Dr. Mariah Lee Grayson (Chief of Psychiatry) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind
Posted by… suppressed (4) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Silence ensued, but Dira was not avoiding the question. In fact, she was pondering over it carefully. “I think back then it felt more… direct. It was me and my patient, and if the outcome was negative, then that was on me, right? Or it felt that way at the time. I was in my residency so I didn’t have the experience to see that there were any number of variables that might have contributed to that person’s ultimate decision. I couldn’t be everywhere, all the time. I guess the difference I feel now is that back then it wasn’t my choices that led to the outcome. This time it was. There’s no amount of rationalizing that changes that fact, so it’s something I’m going to have to live with.” Talking it out, she felt no active pain about it and had effectively pulled herself back out to gain a better prespective. But was it just masking her feelings? She wasn’t sure just now.

Captain Myqian, CO

“It is true you’ll have to live with whatever happens,“ Mariah acknowledged. “That was as true then as it is now. The question is, why do you think you must be, and absolutely can be, even more infallible now than you could’ve been then?“

, Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Her immediate reaction was to deny Grayson’s assertion, and so strong was the impulse that her own reaction caught her off guard. Her lips parted and Dira sucked in a breath, shaking her head, mostly at herself. She looked ahead, taking in the waves as they swelled and rolled onto the sandy beach. The truth was one she already knew, and it had been tucked safely in the back of her mind. It was one she had already voiced to Zoi. It was a fear. A real one, but a fear nonetheless.

“I don’t think I can be, but my impulse lately is to ensure I give Command no reason to second-guess their decision to put me in command of the Ogawa. Is it rational? Perhaps not, but after everything with Franks? I guess I don’t want to give anyone a reason to question my judgement, even I still might.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah didn’t immediately connect Franks’ kidnapping of Dira to her struggles now, but now that she’d brought it up, she realized she should have and it made sense. Taking her own advice internally, Mariah did not beat herself up for it, but decided to take a risk with some self-disclosure. “I didn’t make the connection between this and what happened with Franks. Thinking of it now, it seems obvious and I should have. If you hadn’t verbalized it just now, I’m not sure I would have made the direct connection, and making these connections is critical to helping people maintain their mental health.” Grayson sighed. “Maybe you should be questioning my judgement.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira shook her head. “There’s been enough time and space that they are disconnected events. And they should be. Even I know that. I’m good at compartmentalizing and so that’s what people will see, including you. We’re still getting to know each other, Mariah. You shouldn’t expect to be inside my head. After all, I’m the telepath,” she said with a teasing smirk.

The smile faded and Dira drew in a deep breath. “But there are moments when my body just freezes or I can feel everything tense. Sometimes it’s just walking the deck late at night and approaching a corner. Sometimes it’s that nightmare I had of Franks that hasn’t fully gone away. It’s not a problem, but I’m aware of my reactions. And now my ship and crew have been through a traumatic event. And so have I as their leader. My paranoia is to deny that reality about myself, but I know it’s not useful to do so.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah smiled in response to Dira’s own smile and sense of humor. As was so often the case with people in general and Dira in particular, it was easier to be forgiving of others. “Why would you want to deny your own increased awareness of your body’s reactions? What does being aware of your body’s very understandable reactions mean exactly?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Silence swirled around them and Dira let it envelope her for a moment, taking solace in having time to work through her thoughts. While Mariah would of course be able to work with her even if her words were a bit muddled, she knew she would benefit most by giving herself time to find a bit of clarity.

“When you do command training, you learn tactics and protocols. You work through scenarios and options. You learn a vessel inside and out and so too with a crew. And there is one important piece to being in command that they can talk about, but not really teach: intuition. Not all, but many great commanding officers trust their intuition. They listen to that inner voice and when it speaks loudly, they heed it, because they know it’s offering something valuable to the situation that all the sensor data and expertise in the galaxy can’t compete with.” Dira turned her head to gaze at Mariah again. “The problem with being so attuned to my physical reactions and my turbulent thoughts is that it’s very easy for all that input to drown out my intuition. And then I second-guess myself. And that’s where mistakes get made. Mistakes that can mean life and death. I feel disconnected to my intuition Mariah. Not all the time, but enough that it’s causing me some anxiety. And whether they are actively aware of it or not, a crew can pick up on a CO’s uncertainty. And that can undermine their confidence in me. I can’t have that happen.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Bump

Mariah appreciated the thoughtfulness Dira had given her response. She also knew Dira had identified something many trauma survivors had to contend with - the enhanced sensitivity of her nervous system as a result of the trauma she had experienced. Myqian had survived life threatening danger, and her fight, flight, or freeze response had served her well. Now the challenge was deaing with a nervous system that was hypersensitive to threats, perceived or otherwise, prone to sounding a red alert before her brain could determine if the alert was truly warranted or a knee jerk reaction. Practice with coping skills would strengthen that particular muscle, but for now, there seemed to be a deeper core belief driving Dira’s anxiety. “You believe a Commanding Officer must portray certainty at all times. That even if, after considering all the options you have and taking into account strategies and tactics along with your intution, you still carry uncertainty, that is the worst possible sin a commanding officer can commit?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP