Posted by Lieutenant Dr. Mariah Lee Grayson (Chief of Psychiatry) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind

Posted by Lieutenant Dr. Mariah Lee Grayson (Chief of Psychiatry) in Resort- Exploring One’s Mind
Posted by… suppressed (11) by the Post Ghost! 👻
Taking time for R&R was hard enough for a ship’s captain, but after the disastrous drill that damaged her ship rather badly, Dira was fixated on making sure her ship and crew were taken care of. But she now found herself laying on a beach lounger in a shaded private patio of the resort. Technically it was the outside space of a guest suite, but Dira wasn’t planning on staying here. Most likely. Though some lazy days with Zoi while her beloved recovered sounded wonderful. But it was not going to happen and she knew it. She had at least changed into more casual attire, not wanting her command red uniform to give her away so easily as she moved about the resort. She wore wide legged flowing black linen pants and an airy sleeveless top in cream with a large bright pink and purple floral print.

With a sigh, she waited for Mariah to show up for their planned appointment. This isn’t where she would have opted to have a chat with her therapist, but it was beautiful here overlooking to ocean. She could see why Grayson suggested it. Suggested being a rather light word for what was a necessary session with the captain. A smirk tugged at Dira’s mouth knowing that she could be truly stubborn at times. But she was here without complaint. What more could Mariah ask of her?

Captain Myqian, CO

In truth, Mariah’s strongly persuasive suggestion the two of them needs in this out of the office setting was at least partially selfishly motivated. Yes, Dira needed a place to relax, but Grayson also realized she needed to follow her own advice, and in choosing the setting, she could accomplish both tasks quite efficiently. Donning a pale blue sundress and leaving her hair partially down instead of in its usual tight updo, Grayson was already feeling lighter as she approached the private patio.

Spotting Dira she offered softly as she approached, “Now this is more like it. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

~Doctor Mariah Grayson, CoP

“Because I hadn’t yet started a drill that would blow a hole in the side of the ship and force us to have downtime?” Dira said with a half-smirk, though it was a tad forced.

Myqian closed her eyes for a moment, centring herself. “How did you want to go about this session?”

Captain Myqian, CO

“Is that why?” Mariah’s eyes sparkled with good humor but it didn’t take a therapist to realize the comment was only partly, if at all meant in jest. Grayson sat without being formally invited and offered, “Let’s start there…with the drill, or would you prefer to focus on the hole?” Grayson wasn’t being flip, but she realized her question perhaps might seem so. She was genuinely interested in what was top of mind for Dira.

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Myqian snorted. “They’re one in the same, I suppose. “The drill was one a select few of the senior staff and I had planned. We purposefully kept people in the dark, and my instruction to Engineering was simply to break the ship just enough to require action from the crew. That part was fine, but we didn’t anticipate the cascade issues from the still present goo. We thought we had taken care of last time. But, the three-deck tall hole tells a different story.

“I might be down here, but I’m not on vacation. I’ve got a ship undergoing serious repairs and a number of crew all recovering from serious injuries. It’s a miracle no one died. At least I didn’t have to make those calls,” she said, all but glowering. “My brief call with Command was fun enough.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah appreciated Dira’s sense of responsibility for her ship and crew. She would be concerned if a CO took a more casual approach, of course, but there was a great deal of daylight between complete ownership and considering reality in the process. “On a scale of 1-10, how at fault do you feel?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

She let out a throaty chuckle. “Depends on the day or hour, I suppose. Probably a 7 or an 8.” Dira turned her head to gaze at Mariah. “I know it’s not my fault, but I am the captain. The ultimate responsibility falls on my shoulders and I can’t help but second-guess myself this time. Beyond the day-to-day running of the ship, this was the first big… thing, decision, that I’ve made since my promotion. It’s hard not to feel like I messed it up. And people got hurt. People I deeply care about.” It was hard to not let her mind drift to Zoi in this instance.

Captain Myqian, CO

“Seeing people suffer is beyond difficult,” Mariah acknowledged with a nod. “I don’t think we’d do what we do if we couldn’t empathize by emotional means, or both physiological and emotional means, in your case,” she added with a smile. “I wonder if this is a time when past experience can be a guide. This isn’t the first time you’ve faced the suffering of others and been given the responsibility to make decisions to better their lives, right? As a therapist, how have you previously managed the pressure to do something when the outcome was uncertain?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira breathed in and out. In and out. “It was different as a therapist. Or at least it feels different. It was just me and my one patient in that moment. So even early in my career, when I had a string of bad outcomes, it was still just me and that one person, even if the accumulation of those bad outcomes in the early years nearly made me quit.” She sighed. “I’m aware of the crew at all times, Mariah. At least when I’m not wearing the headband.” Dira drummed her fingers on the arm of her lounge chair as she gazed out over their ocean view. “I guess I underestimated how hard it would be to have such a long list if injured and be the one in Command. No amount of training can prepare you for this. And that’s not even factoring in any personal connections to the ones injured.”

Captain Myqian, CO

“I think you could be minimizing your struggles as a therapist now precisely because they are in your rearview mirror,” Mariah replied. “The struggles you’ve overcome will always seem smaller compared to the ones in front of you, butt think back to when it was just you trying to help a series of individuals, knowing it was your job to offer support while also knowing you couldn’t control what they felt or what they did. Did you not feel the same sense of monumental responsibility? You shared you almost quit, and that was at a time when you had no experience as a commanding officer to give you perspective. You almost quit, but ultimately didn’t. Why not? Might the same strategies be useful now?”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Silence ensued, but Dira was not avoiding the question. In fact, she was pondering over it carefully. “I think back then it felt more… direct. It was me and my patient, and if the outcome was negative, then that was on me, right? Or it felt that way at the time. I was in my residency so I didn’t have the experience to see that there were any number of variables that might have contributed to that person’s ultimate decision. I couldn’t be everywhere, all the time. I guess the difference I feel now is that back then it wasn’t my choices that led to the outcome. This time it was. There’s no amount of rationalizing that changes that fact, so it’s something I’m going to have to live with.” Talking it out, she felt no active pain about it and had effectively pulled herself back out to gain a better prespective. But was it just masking her feelings? She wasn’t sure just now.

Captain Myqian, CO

“It is true you’ll have to live with whatever happens,“ Mariah acknowledged. “That was as true then as it is now. The question is, why do you think you must be, and absolutely can be, even more infallible now than you could’ve been then?“

, Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Her immediate reaction was to deny Grayson’s assertion, and so strong was the impulse that her own reaction caught her off guard. Her lips parted and Dira sucked in a breath, shaking her head, mostly at herself. She looked ahead, taking in the waves as they swelled and rolled onto the sandy beach. The truth was one she already knew, and it had been tucked safely in the back of her mind. It was one she had already voiced to Zoi. It was a fear. A real one, but a fear nonetheless.

“I don’t think I can be, but my impulse lately is to ensure I give Command no reason to second-guess their decision to put me in command of the Ogawa. Is it rational? Perhaps not, but after everything with Franks? I guess I don’t want to give anyone a reason to question my judgement, even I still might.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah didn’t immediately connect Franks’ kidnapping of Dira to her struggles now, but now that she’d brought it up, she realized she should have and it made sense. Taking her own advice internally, Mariah did not beat herself up for it, but decided to take a risk with some self-disclosure. “I didn’t make the connection between this and what happened with Franks. Thinking of it now, it seems obvious and I should have. If you hadn’t verbalized it just now, I’m not sure I would have made the direct connection, and making these connections is critical to helping people maintain their mental health.” Grayson sighed. “Maybe you should be questioning my judgement.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Bump?