Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zoi Haven (Chief of Security) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light
Posted by… suppressed (12) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

For several long moments there was no answer from Dira, just the sound of her forcing herself to take long, even breaths. She wanted desperately to tell Mariah that she was wrong, that that wasn’t how she felt, but when the words tried to bubble to the surface she couldn’t say them.

Finally, she lifted her head and wiped at her tears. “I’ve just been doing my best to put one foot in front of the other. Captain Taylor was called away so soon after and then I was Acting Captain. I had to keep it together, for the ship and crew. And then the promotion.” She shook her head. “I’ve worked so hard! I won’t let William take this from me. He’s taken too much already,” she spat, not even trying to hide the loathing and vehemence. “And if us meeting will help, then of course I will.” She was a practical woman after all. And a Doctor of Psychiatry. She knew there was hard work ahead of her.

Captain Myqian, CO

Bump

Zoi let Dira take the lead as to when she moved away. She didn’t feel upset at the sudden space between them. She felt proud that Dira had opened up and she was solidly her own person even in light of heavy trauma. She had not known the assault fact that the Counselor spoke of but it made sense to her. Control was a slippery thing. She often internally blamed herself for not noticing Diras distress or even her absence sooner. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t her fault, but the intrusive thought still remained and probably would for some time.

Haven,CoS

The appointment wrapped up and the pair stepped out into the corridor. Dira stood a little taller than before but her mind was awhirl, traipsing over her revelations and trying to figure out what to do with everything. “You know, in some ways I was thinking like Royal had, that the worst case scenario hadn’t happened so it wasn’t a big deal. But I couldn’t let it go, especially once that nightmare started.” She spoke softly to Zoi as they walked and she wasn’t even sure where she was headed. A turbolift most likely, but after that? Who knew.

Captain Myqian, CO

She could tell Diras mind was a buzz of thoughts . It seemed she was fleshing out her revelations to make them fir into boxes. “Dreams are often a way of telling ourselves something needs attention within us. Trauma is still trauma even if it wasn’t the worst trauma that could have happened.”

Wherever Dira wanted to go, they would go. Zoi would follow her as she wandered, letting her speak through the logic.

Haven, CoS

She could feel that edge sharp edge of terror pressing against her mind as the dream nightmare rose to the surface of her thoughts. “I suppose I should be grateful in a way, because it brought other things to the surface, but”-she suppressed a shudder-“the thought of that potential life with him makes me ill, Zoi. I haven’t known how to talk about it. I wanted it to not be a big deal, but it was like the more I tried to convince myself everything was over, the more I had the dream.”

Dira approached the lift and pressed the call button.

Captain Myqian, CO

Zoi took in a deep breath and let it out very slowly. She too had thought those things. The idea that it could have been worse, scared her so terribly because she had become irrevocably attached to this woman.

“I suppose I too am a bit at fault there. I was also pretending as though now things were back to normal as if it didn’t happen and maybe didn’t give you the space you needed to feel your feelings.”

She swallowed hard as some of her worst fears about this flashes in her minds eye. Tears pickled and she blinked them away. In an unusual display of emotion, Zoi turned suddenly to kiss Dira with an infinite tenderness then laid her forehead against her lovers.

“We were so close to losing everything. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you.”

Haven, CoS

At any point before Franks showed up, Dira would have worried about the public display, but at this point, especially since their relationship was no longer a secret, Dira accepted the care and intimacy Zoi offered her. With their strong connection and her thinner shields, Dira picked up on the images. For a moment she just let them acknowledge the horror of that scenario, because hadn’t that been half the problem? It was easy to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but at some point those steps dragged until you were forced to stop.

“I know,” she whispered back. “And I’m so glad we didn’t.” Dira pulled back enough to gaze into her partner’s eyes. “And it has been hard, but most of that was pressure I put on myself to keep it together. Sometimes we just need to do that to get through, but at some point the thoughts and emotions will find a way to the surface. And I want to be very clear about something Zoi Haven: you are not to blame. Not for what happened to me, nor for not seeing my struggles. I wasn’t even letting myself see the struggle, even as I had the nightmares. It was very easy to take my mental health knowledge and just assume it would get better, because many traumas do just need some time.” She shook her head with a rueful smile. “It’s okay that I was wrong because we’re dealing with it now. And I am just so happy to have you with me to work through this all. Some of it I will have to do on my own, I just ask you to be patient with me,” Dira said, brushing the back of her hand along Zoi’s cheek.

Captain Myqian, CO

“If I can handle your general messiness Dira Myqian, I can be patient while you work through this.” She grinned and leaned into the touch. “Besides, I am nothing, if not patient. Kind of goes with the title of Chief of Security.”

Haven, CoS

As the doors to the turbolift opened, Dira let her smile speak volumes before she tapped Zoi’s lips with a finger and entered the lift.

Ensconced inside, she leaned against the wall. “You already handle my messiness.” Dira couldn’t help the smirk. “Perhaps my quarters were a good way to ease you in to things. Though I like to think that I have gotten a tiny bit better now that I’m the Captain, but you’ll have to tell me if that’s true. Some days I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.”

She grinned and followed her lover inside the turbolift. “I think that certain concessions are made for someone as busy as Captain my love.”

After a few moments, worry crept into her expression. “I hate that he even gets a say in how I think or feel. I already gave up so much power to him on the Calypso. I don’t quite know how to steal it back.”

Captain Myqian, CO

“But that is just it… its not him anymore. Now it is just you and the battle in your brain and the trauma. He doesn’t get a say anymore and I am for one… very glad of that. He can never bother you again. Now, its just demons and they don’t have power like he did physically. Its a different fight and one I know you can win.”

Haven, CoS

She nodded slowly and focused her attention on Zoi, breaking into a soft smile. “I am so grateful for you.”

“You know, I am glad you mentioned that. I was beginning to worry.” Zoi said in a teasing tone.

Dira paused a brief moment. “Is there anything from that session you want to discuss? I know it was a lot for both of us. And I’m glad you were there for it. It just felt easier to go over it once and then work through the bits and pieces as I went.”

Captain Myqian, CO

“I think I have a lot of processing to do that I am not ready to do yet. I need to let it sit in my brain for a while and stew.” She exuded confidence and reassurance to her partner and let their energies touch with gentle love. “What I can say is I am proud of you for standing up for yourself in there even against me or my views. I always want you to know that what you say in therapy and share with me is sacred to me. I want you to process all of this and work through it all. Even if I am with you to the end of my days, I will never be more knowledgeable about you than you. I take the lead from you.”

Haven, CoS

As the lift carried threm through the ship, tears sprang to her eyes and they actually surprised Dira. It was such a simple line, but given all the context, what Zoi just said was profound. ‘To the end of my days’. Zoi was El Aurian. Dira was going to live quite a long time, somewhere in the 150 year range, but the reality was that she would likely die ong before Zoi Haven. So for her beloved to say that she could even see herself in Dira’s life so long meant something.

Therapy had made her weary and emotional, and perhaps under different circumstances she would have been more controlled in a potentially public setting. Instead, Dira pulled Zoi into a deep embrace and let herself cry a little at both the joy of the emotional connection between them, but also the difficult circumstances they were dealing with. I need you in my life, she said to Zoi, knowing that in such close proximity, there was a higher likelihood of the words crossing through to her partner.

Captain Myqian, CO