Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light

Posted by Lieutenant Dr. Mariah Lee Grayson (Chief of Psychiatry) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zoi Haven (Chief of Security) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light
Posted by… suppressed (9) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

What came through crystal clear in Dira’s torrent of words was just how much she blamed herself for what had been done to her. Not only was such a response common for a survivor of any trauma, but Grayson could see it being instinctual for a Starfleet officer, especially one serving in command. When confronted with problems, command officers in particular were taught to identify the causes, and if necessary, to take responsibility for their part in it. The dirty little secret seemed to be taking some level of personal responsibility was never unnecessary, especially if one didn’t want to be perceived as a hard ass who passed the buck.

What everyone seemed to be forgetting was that in trying to prevent one undesirable extreme, they were only creating another and reinforcing a way of black-and-white thinking that rarely fit most realities.

Mariah wanted to reach forward and clasp the distraught woman’s hands in hers even as another part of her wanted to embrace Dira, but knowing that such a reaction suggested a familiarity the two did not have, particularly with the same woman’s significant other present, Grayson settles for leaning forward and closing the distance between them. “I truly am sorry for the circumstances which brought you to me today, but I am genuinely glad you are here and are opening up like this. Tell me, in this moment, how do you feel?”

~Doctor Mariah Grayson, CoP

“Terrified,” she said, trying her best to make her voice louder than a whisper. Dira pursed her lips as if it might keep the truth from coming out and her internal distress to herself. But she herself, an experienced psychiatrist, knew that between the woman beside her who was able to read her emotions and the woman across from her who was trained to read body language, Dira could not hide, nor would it be helpful.

Dira’s solid dark eyes glimmered with tears as she swallowed. “It’s felt like if I could just keep a grip on the one terrible dream, keep it at bay, the rest would be okay. But it’s spilling outwards and I feel like it’s pulling me into… something terrible.” She could say the words. She had earlier, but Dira wasn’t sure Royal could understand the terror involved. “I need to explain it again, because I did earlier today, but it’s…”

She pulled her hand out of Zoi’s and rose to her feet, moving away where there was more space. Arms wrapped tightly around herself, Dira shook her head. “I’m sorry. I just…” She closed her eyes. “I’m not even sure what I’m more afraid of: being told it’s not as bad as it’s felt to me, or it being worse than I’ve allowed myself to believe.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Mariah had anticipated expressions of anxiety and shame, but Dira’s fear of something more was palpable. Grayson knew her trauma was multi-layered given not just the physical violence, but the mental violation involved. She also knew it was something she would never truly understand no matter how much energy she put into studying it on an academic level. What she did know how to do was listen. “I’m here, right here. Take all the time you need. I may not fully understand everything, but I will not minimize it or you.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Zoi didn’t like seeing her partner in so much distress. Even as Dira stood and left the comfort of Zois arms, she knew there was little she could do but wait and support. Still, it took a great deal of her own willpower not to reach put to draw her love back into the safety and comfort she knew she provided.

It seemed in this moment, Dira needed to be standing on her own two feet. Zoi kept her body language relaxed and her mental expression of emotions clamped down. She didn’t want to add to Diras distress with her worry.

Haven, CoS

Dira breathed in the soothing energy Zoi sent her way and for a moment she closed her eyes, taking deep breaths until she felt some sort of equilibrium. When she opened her eyes, they glistened with tears and she took in both women for a moment before choosing a spot on the wall behind that was between them. It was easier to speak the words if she wasn’t making direct eye contact. “The nightmare I’ve been having is one where I am standing on the porch of a small cabin-type building and overlooking a lovely meadow, forests in the distance. The door opens behind me and someone approaches, wrapping their arms around me. It was William and he spoke in my ear as his hands came to rest on what was my very pregnant belly.” Her chest tightened, but she kept going. “And I’m having this nightmare because while he held me captive, I tried to keep him talking and he went on a lot about how we could finally be together and no one would get in our way any longer. And then…” She paused to force herself to take a breath as the tears overflowed her lids and slipped down her cheeks. “He asked me how many children we should have. He thought three or four.” Dira heard herself say the words, but they sounded distant and more emotionless now. It was very strange.

Captain Myqian, CO

Helping people recover from trauma meant hearing horrific details on a regular basis. Beyond that, it also meant being able to look past those details and to dig even deeper, uncovering thoughts and feelings the survivor might themselves not even mean. “When you see those images in your mind, Captain, what are you saying to yourself? What does this nightmare mean to you now?”

Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Dira wiped at her cheeks and continued to avert her gaze as she stood on the other side of the sitting area. She especially couldn’t look at Zoi just now, not if she wanted to be able to keep talking. “I can’t keep thinking of what that reality would have been like. I know what it means. He’d either force the situation or I’d have to resign myself to it and not fight back. And I can’t get that out of my head.” She swallowed and more tears ensued. Dira bent at the hips and braced her hands on her thighs. “And it’s the reality too that that would have been my only opportunity to be a mother,” she all but whispered.

Captain Myqian, CO

The last statement admittedly took Mariah by surprise. She didn’t quite understand it. Why would being kidnapped and potentially raped represent her only chance to be a mother?It did, however, suggest why this particular memory kept intruding and the underlying belief it represented beyond a reminder of the overall event. “If all of that is true… If he forced himself on you and you didn’t resist… If you became a mother because you didn’t resist, what would that mean? Who would you be?”

~Doctor Mariah Grayson, CoP

Zoi’s mind became utterly still. The words Dira spoke would have had such an impact if she let herself think of them on more than a surface level. This was more unexpected for her than it was for the counselor.

Fists clenched as she stood up, her fingers dug into her palms. “I don’t know.” Dira said, feeling her stomach roil and she closed her eyes. “A traitor perhaps. Certainly someone I’d hate.”

Captain Myqian, CO

It was harder than she thought possible to keep her thoughts at bay. Questions of her own desires for a family, about her relationship with Dira and what her desires for a family meant for them both, and the mixed bag of trauma William brought to the whole situation. The last words took their time seeing their way through her mind. “No.” She whispered and then cleared her throat allowing her voice to gain measure of strength. “I don’t think so. I think you would do right by the child and you can’t do that while hating yourself. You are also too compassionate to see those actions as worthy of being hated. You would never hate a woman who chose the path of least resistance to keep her life. You would want to help her and tell her she is worthy of better. If she were you… if you were in that situation, your years of training as a counselor wouldn’t let you hate yourself.”

Haven’t. COs

Dira finally let herself look at Zoi and relax her fingers, half-moon imprints in her palm. It was hard not to hear at least the echoes of some of Zoi’s thoughts, since her mental shields were always harder to hold when she was very emotional. But Dira couldn’t process any of that just yet, nor did not feel Zoi’s confidence in her assessment. “You’d be surprised at the contradictions I can exist in,” she said softly. “I did it with Paige, after she died. After Intelligence ordered my silence. I hated myself for years for not pushing, for just accepting orders. It wasn’t until everything came up here, and I called you and told you about it all that I realized how much anger I still had over it all, because they never let me process it properly. There was no closure. So I hated Intelligence and I hated myself.”

With a sigh, she moved back to the couch and sat next to Zoi, face downcast. “And I hate that I can’t get William out of my head. I hate that he put me in a position where that could have bene my future, that I would have had to face that dilemma at all. Royal pointed out that it never came to pass. I took action and fought back, and I got free. I try to give myself credit for that, for crawling out of that damn jefferies tube with only one good hand and arm, but I still can’t get him out of my head,” she said, tears streaming down her face even as she held back the sob. Instead, Dira just braced her elbows on her thighs and held her head.

Captain Myqian, CO

It pained her to see Dira so frustrated, angry and sad. As her partner fell into holding back her tears… something she knew Dira was prone to do, she wrapped her arms around her love and held her tight. “Dearest! Oh God. My sweet and wonderful, beautiful, strong, compassionate love!”

She closed her eyes tight, not sure what to do to help her partner through this. “It was traumatic. No one expects you to handle everything overnight.”

Haven, COS

Dira breathed in deeply as Zoi’s arms held her. There was so much care in those arms and for a moment she could just exist there where the pain couldn’t touch her.

Grayson appreciated Myqian wanted Haven for the emotional support, and Mariah admired Haven for remaining quiet for as long as she had been. The psychiatrist could only imagine how hard it would be to hear someone she loved describe trauma of this magnitude and then be asked to say nothing. Still, when Zoi started to speak, Mariah was concerned. While she had no doubt Zoi was well-intentioned and it was perfectly normal to dispute something as awful and false as self-blame and self-hatred, Mariah knew the best thing for Dira emotionally was to be given space to voice her thoughts and feelings and for her to come to challenge their accuracy on her own.

Grayson smiled inwardly when Dira pushed back on Zoi’s reaction on her own. Perhaps it wasn’t surprising from a former practicing mental health professional, but beyond that, it signalled hope. “She’s right,” Mariah offered to Dira. “This is not something that can be erased overnight, and I’m truly sorry I was not aware of what happened to you and taken action sooner. Yes, Starfleet demands don’t stop, but beyond that, I and colleagues like me let you continue to believe you should be holding it altogether just by virtue of the fact we allowed you to deal this long on your own. That stops today,” Grayson offered firmly. “In the meantime, I think you and I should keep meeting to help you explore this sense of self-blame and hatred you feel. It may sound surprising, but it’s not unusual for survivors of attempted sexual violence to experience even more distress than survivors of completed sexual violence. You were able to get away, to stop it from happening. Right now, your mind and body are telling you if you could prevent that from happening, you must have had some degree of control over the entire event, but that just isn’t true.”

The psychiatrist wanted to offer more than verbal comfort, but she resisted, allowing Dira to decide what would happen next.

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

For several long moments there was no answer from Dira, just the sound of her forcing herself to take long, even breaths. She wanted desperately to tell Mariah that she was wrong, that that wasn’t how she felt, but when the words tried to bubble to the surface she couldn’t say them.

Finally, she lifted her head and wiped at her tears. “I’ve just been doing my best to put one foot in front of the other. Captain Taylor was called away so soon after and then I was Acting Captain. I had to keep it together, for the ship and crew. And then the promotion.” She shook her head. “I’ve worked so hard! I won’t let William take this from me. He’s taken too much already,” she spat, not even trying to hide the loathing and vehemence. “And if us meeting will help, then of course I will.” She was a practical woman after all. And a Doctor of Psychiatry. She knew there was hard work ahead of her.

Captain Myqian, CO

“I’m glad to hear that,” Mariah replied, encouraged by the determination she saw. She had no doubt it was there in the right measure - not as a false facade. “Now, shall we talk relaxation exercises?”

Lori: We can end this thread here… I just wanted Mariah to say something. :-)