Posted by Lieutenant Dr. Mariah Lee Grayson (Chief of Psychiatry) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light

Posted by Captain Dira Myqian (Commanding Officer) in Counselling Suite - Shadows Are Not Immune To Light
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Dira dropped her hand so she and Zoi could sit, but also because she had made it here and that was the first part she had needed Zoi’s help with. She took a seat with an audible exhale.

“It’s hard to know where to start, but I guess we start with today,” Dira said. “A little while ago, Commander Sinclair called me down to Shuttlebay 1 on Deck 9B and proceeded to call me out on how I avoid Deck 9. He’s not wrong,” she said with a waver in her voice, “because I do avoid it when I can. Hell, even when he and the Admiral showed up and I was promoted, I couldn’t wait to get out of that shuttlebay. But he mistook the shuttlebay for the issue, and it’s not. It’s the whole damn deck, but especially 9A. I get anxiety and panic attacks if I have to be near where Franks held me, and where it went down. So my insightful XO proceeded to make me walk him through what all happened.” One hand tightened, her fingernails digging into her palm. “I guess the hope was that if I could tell him, anyone, the whole story, the deck would somehow have less power of me”-she shook her head-“but it’s how it’s working out. And if I don’t figure this all out I could lose my command and everything I’ve worked so hard for. And it would make everything William Franks put me through, both here and on the Calypso for naught.”

Captain Myqian, COP

Bump

Mariah listened carefully as the Captain unburdened herself, revealing details about her traumatic ordeal and its impact on her psyche that Grayson had wondered about since she’d read about the incident. The psychiatrist had every intention of approaching Dira about it, but as a relatively new appointee to the senior staff, she also was sensitive to picking her moment. No matter Mariah’s title, nothing but trust and time would make someone feel comfortable revealing their most traumatic and personal experiences.

In that regard, Mariah could be grateful to Sinclair, but in another major regard, Grayson knew no matter how well-intentioned, the problem couldn’t have been handled more ineptly. Discussing the details of a traumatic event was only therapeutic to the degree someone had mastered the coping skills to manage all of the feelings and thoughts recounting the experience would elicit. Forcing her to confront the experience in vivo as it were was the equivalent of asking her to walk on a tight rope for the first time ever without a net. Not only was the fall inevitable, but so was the additional shame and now strengthened avoidance reaction.

Of course, she was not about to denigrate Sinclair, as that wasn’t what was important now.

Instead, she offered, “I’m really glad you’re here talking to me about this. Your reactions are completely normal, including your reactions to being forced to confront your fears without learning how to cope with all that comes with it first. Contrary to perhaps popular belief, overcoming trauma isn’t about gathering courage to look at it in the eye, it’s about gathering skills to confront what the trauma means to you now and all the ways it has affected the way you see yourself. It takes time to unpack all that, but it also requires feeling safe first. How you’re feeling now is not a reflection of your strength, intelligence, or value.”

~Dr. Mariah Grayson, CoP

Zoi, for all her support and strength given to Dira. Stayed silent, holding on to Dira’s hand and gently rubbing her arm to give her a grounding presence. Did dishes suspect the same as the XO in regards to Dira avoiding the Deck where she had been held captive by a psychopath? Yes. Had she suspected it was this bad? No.

She was glad that Dira was opening up about it now though. This kind of thing could make or break a Captain. If Dira couldn’t come to terms with this, she would at best be reassigned to another ship or station with a very different layout. At worst, she would be seen as someone who could not cope with trauma and would be let out of Star Fleet.

Haven, CoS

Dira closed, no squeezed, her eyes tight for a moment before looking at Grayson again. She gave Zoi’s hand a squeeze too, glad for her presence. “I’m so good at compartmentalizing that at first it was just about getting physically better. Healing my injuries. Hell, I had to go back to Sickbay and have a very brief surgery on my wrist because of nerve compression. I was trying to be careful, but I was Acting Captain so soon after that there really hasn’t been time to stop and deal with any of it.”

She drew in a deep breath. “William was in my head. I understood that before the abduction, because I had been triggered by a situation on board that brought up old grief. But more than that, in the next days I felt like I was losing my mind. Kept sensing someone and no one was there,” she said, her voice taking on an edge. “Now, in hindsight, I know it was William messing with my weaker mental shields. He knew he could poke through easily and he would harass me that way. But much like a toddler throwing a tantrum, I decided back on the Calypso to ignore his bad behaviour so he didn’t think he’d gotten to me. But this whole time on the Ogawa he wanted to make me uneasy and it worked! And in response, I was so out of it that I allowed myself use a neurosuppressant and block my abilities all together. And because of that, I couldn’t sense that it was him that was trying to catch my attention in the arboretum. It was such a lapse in judgement to follow a member of the crew that I thought was acting a bit oddly and bore resemblance to him. A coincidence, I assumed.” The fingers of her free hand dug into her palm. “And the second I stepped into that room and saw his face, I knew I made a grave error. Then he sprayed the mixture in my face and that was it. I was down.”

It was like once she had started talking, she couldn’t stop. Dira couldn’t even compare what she was saying now to what she had said to Royal. Her eyes welled with tears. “And I keep having this terrible dream of him and I.” She looked at Zoi. “It’s better when you’re there, but that’s not always possible, nor is it a good solution.” The dream that triggered so much of her anxiety that it had made a wreck that one morning she ran into their CE. She looked back to Grayson. “The crew is starting to notice things. And I don’t know what to say to them, if anything. I’m the captain. Even as first officer there was a distance, and now I worry that they won’t trust me when it matters, even if all the evidence points to the opposite.”

Captain Myqian, CO

Bump

What came through crystal clear in Dira’s torrent of words was just how much she blamed herself for what had been done to her. Not only was such a response common for a survivor of any trauma, but Grayson could see it being instinctual for a Starfleet officer, especially one serving in command. When confronted with problems, command officers in particular were taught to identify the causes, and if necessary, to take responsibility for their part in it. The dirty little secret seemed to be taking some level of personal responsibility was never unnecessary, especially if one didn’t want to be perceived as a hard ass who passed the buck.

What everyone seemed to be forgetting was that in trying to prevent one undesirable extreme, they were only creating another and reinforcing a way of black-and-white thinking that rarely fit most realities.

Mariah wanted to reach forward and clasp the distraught woman’s hands in hers even as another part of her wanted to embrace Dira, but knowing that such a reaction suggested a familiarity the two did not have, particularly with the same woman’s significant other present, Grayson settles for leaning forward and closing the distance between them. “I truly am sorry for the circumstances which brought you to me today, but I am genuinely glad you are here and are opening up like this. Tell me, in this moment, how do you feel?”

~Doctor Mariah Grayson, CoP

“Terrified,” she said, trying her best to make her voice louder than a whisper. Dira pursed her lips as if it might keep the truth from coming out and her internal distress to herself. But she herself, an experienced psychiatrist, knew that between the woman beside her who was able to read her emotions and the woman across from her who was trained to read body language, Dira could not hide, nor would it be helpful.

Dira’s solid dark eyes glimmered with tears as she swallowed. “It’s felt like if I could just keep a grip on the one terrible dream, keep it at bay, the rest would be okay. But it’s spilling outwards and I feel like it’s pulling me into… something terrible.” She could say the words. She had earlier, but Dira wasn’t sure Royal could understand the terror involved. “I need to explain it again, because I did earlier today, but it’s…”

She pulled her hand out of Zoi’s and rose to her feet, moving away where there was more space. Arms wrapped tightly around herself, Dira shook her head. “I’m sorry. I just…” She closed her eyes. “I’m not even sure what I’m more afraid of: being told it’s not as bad as it’s felt to me, or it being worse than I’ve allowed myself to believe.”

Captain Myqian, CO