Posted by Commander Dira Myqian (Executive Officer) in XO’s Office - So As Far As Therapy Goes… (Tag Myqian)

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Dr. Solomon Kane (Chief Science Officer/Research & Development) in XO’s Office - So As Far As Therapy Goes… (Tag Myqian)

Posted by Commander Dira Myqian (Executive Officer) in XO’s Office - So As Far As Therapy Goes… (Tag Myqian)
Posted by… suppressed (7) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“That I… once again… had to stop what the hell I was doing to go tell yet another doctor about my ‘trip’.” Kane said with obvious irritation. “And that person would ask questions about how it felt, what happened, what it was like, why it happened… every. Single. F~<×ing. Thing. That. Is. Already. In. The. Damn. File.” and he sighed. “I’ve never lied about it, the words have never changed. In three freakin’ years it’s been the same.” He rubbed his face with hands and ran his hands through his hair and looked at Myqian. “Thats what I expected. And what I got was being told I’m not allowed to be upset in the Counseling suite. So… I left. Rescheduled, but did it in my office since I am allowed to be pissed off in there.” and he chuckled. “And the rest you saw.”

Kane

Myqian nodded slowly. “That I did. And I wouldn’t want to rehash a trauma over and over again either. At some point you just want to more forward. So let’s assume for a moment that the powers that be changed their mind about the monthly sessions, or maybe were convinced to for whatever reason. Would that change things for you?”

Commander Myqian, XO

“Absolutely.” he replied without hesitation. “It wouldn’t make my life any harder, thats for damn sure. I’d be able to spend less time dreading those sessions and wondering who I was gonna have to try and explain trans-dimensional physics to.” and laughed a wholly sardonic laugh.

Kane

“So if we take the unknown person variable out for a moment and assume it’s me, whom you don’t have to reexplain everything to each time, might there be a benefit to us sitting every now and again and talking through where you’re at, what ‘s going well and where the struggles are?” she asked simply, sipping her slightly spiced coffee again.

Commander Myqian, XO

Kane shrugged, but not dismissively. “I dunno. Honestly. I’m not just avoiding the question. I honestly don’t know.” and he took a breath. “The only counseling I ha ever ever taken part in was when I was really young, and after my switch. The first was to see if I was too troublesome to be put in public school. Side note, I was. The second is to see if I am a danger to this reality.” and he laughed. “I know I’m good with my hands, but not even I believe I could destroy this universe. But… here we are.”

Kane

Dira allowed a smirk to touch her face. “Here we are.” She was quiet for a few moments as she thought over the best way to approach all this. “I’m going to put my cards on the table too, so we’re both working from the same premise.”

“I’m not here to change who you are or effect some dramatic personality change. You are who you are, in part because of the experiences you have had in your life. And Taylor and I told you when you arrived that we would give you the benefit of the doubt. That we would judge you on your own merits and what you demonstrated to us. What others thought before was not even factored in.” She smiled. “And I like to think that that gamble paid off for all of us, because you are a valuable member of this team, Kane. And while I won’t dismiss Doctor Almikaz’s report, I also like to make my own determinations. I have my own process I like to go through. But that means this won’t always be fun. I’m going to ask you to dig deep at times and that might make you angry at me. So be it. But all I’m going to ask you to do is give me the benefit of the doubt too. Know that I’m not doing this for shits and giggles, but because I think if you wanted it, you might be able to find a small measure of peace in this new reality of yours.”

Commander Myqian, XO

Kane cooked his head at her and his eyes narrowed slightly. “But what if I don’t want peace?” he asked with no anger.

“I have never known peace. Not as far back as I can remember. My earliest memory is of literally biting the finger off a kid because he was trying to steal my food.” He paused for a moment and then leaned forward. “You say I might find some small measure of peace here. And thats probably my biggest issue with all of this.” and he gestured broadly at the room… the ship… the galaxy… the universe. “In all the bulls#!+ sessions that I’ve had to sit through, every last person… without exception… has tried to find out why I am the way I am. And how they can make me more ‘acceptable’. But not once has anybody ever stopped to think that this is just me. This is who I am. I’m belligerent. Loud. Opinionated. Outspoken. Argumentative. Rude. Crass.” He looked intently at her for a long moment. “Angry.” and he leaned back. “But all of that has kept me alive my whole life. And I don’t dislike it. I… me… myself… dammit I like who I am. And the people that call me friend- in that universe and this one- like me, too. Not for what I could be. But for me. I don’t need ‘peace’, Commander. I don’t need to be ‘calmed downed’ or ‘figured out’. I need to be accepted. And last time I checked… thats what Star Fleet is supposed to excel at.” and he snorted out a derisive breath. “But apparently not for me.”

Kane

She leaned forward slightly, setting her coffee on the table and braced her arms on her knees. “I never said anything about calming you down or anything of the sort. In fact, I do believe I just said I’m not here to change you. Peace looks different to everybody. Having peace doesn’t mean you can’t have anger and other strong feelings. It doesn’t mean you don’t react to things. Trust me, I know what a ridiculous notion expecting you to be different than you are is. I’m not suggesting that at all. This isn’t about who you are as a person. This is about the crappy situation you’re in and how we might make that a little bit better. That’s the peace you can find. What that looks like is up to you, and hell it might change as you go along. It often does.”

Commander Myqian, XO

Kane leaned back and chuckled. “Commander, you are gonna have to accept the fact that I gave up on my crappy situation changing a long time ago. Oh, the scenery has changed. The pretense of freedom is more creative and pervasive. But I am not free. I can’t leave. I can’t quit. I can’t decide I no longer want to do this and go off and start a rutabaga farm. My prison is larger and better appointed than it was before, but its still a prison. I’ve been found guilty of being different. And I have given up on my appeals.”

Kane

Words mattered and everyone heard the one they were focused on. Hence why misunderstandings happened. So even though he misunderstood what she was referring to, it didn’t matter. It mattered more that he was expressing his own personal truth. “Well, I certainly didn’t expect them to magically send you back.” In three years it had never seemed remotely a possibility. “So, you’ve accepted your fate then? Is that it?” she asked simply.

Commander Myqian, XO

Kane shook his head and gave her a wicked smile. “I’ve accepted my circumstance. And fate doesn’t exist. Our actions and random chance move us through time. All we can do is deal with the circumstances we find ourselves in and always keep in mind that things change. Not for the better. Not for the worse. Just different.” He took a drink of his coffee and then said “But don’t take that as resignation. I never quit. But I’m also realistic. I know I have no control over this. That was made abundantly clear over the first year in the box. But…” and he grinned again, “… I also know that time breeds complacency. Sooner or later, I will become boring to whatever Intel or Temporal Investigations babysitter has my file. And they will cut me loose.. or disappear me. That used to be kind of a 50/50 thing; now I thinks its moved to 70/30. But either way, I’ll have a chance to change my circumstance. And I will.”

Kane