Posted by Lieutenant Casela Synthi-er (Counsellor / RTF) in Holodeck - A Captain, a Counselor and a Campfire

Posted by Captain Zachariah Cobb (Commanding Officer) in Holodeck - A Captain, a Counselor and a Campfire
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“Saved her for what? The life I condemned her to, wasn’t a gift. There was no hope there. I abandoned her. I’d already defied orders, what would have been 1 more day? She was SO close and I didn’t even know it! The darkest demons I faced to get these old wounds, that Doc Fey is so worried about, are nothing compared to the plight of that little girl. I did that to her.” The firelight glints off her face, that is now damp, and to Zachariah’s dismay, she’s crying.

Moving onto his knees before her, Cobb took firm hold of Casela’s shoulders in an attempt to channel some measure of reassurance and strength.
“It is not for you to decide where hope lingers for another,” he whispered on an exhale of whiskey-laden breath. “Sometimes the only thing left to offer is existence itself, as torturous and accursed as that might be. You may think the seeds crushed to dust beneath your boots but still find them blossom into a fruit-laden tree. And while with every bite that fruit will be ash upon your tongue, still who is to say it has less worth than no fruit at all?”

There is a type of rage, that starts deep, in the soul. Where the soul connects to the other souls around it. Once ignited that rage draws to itself the rage of all the other lost souls in existence, and those long gone. It builds and smolders in the nether waiting to be tapped, waiting to be let out when one unsuspecting soul reaches it’s breaking point. And once let loose, there is no locking it back up. Like a wild fire, almost out, and then one gentle breath of fresh air sends it roaring into an inferno that kills everything within reach and begins to spread.

He could sense it then, in the barely-perceptible tremor of her body, the almost undetectable quickening of breath. On this beach the seas were receding, a final measure of sinister calm before the seismic flood of her rage. One single word or thought upon this scale and all parity would be lost. And freed from its containment, even Zachariah Cobb would find himself powerless against the beast buried deeply within her.

That type of rage turns on itself. The pain of the initial rage burns and needs fuel. And it finds that fuel in the tumultuous memories, regrets, and recriminations of the self.
One regret, feeds to the next and the next, until all one can do is see every choice, every motive, every event as feeding the monster, until there is no salvation left for the one who never asked for it, but is in such great need of it. In the flames of the fire, Casela can see the demon she’s become, the monster. A Balrog, a fiery demon that can only destroy everything in it’s path. It does not matter how many lives she’s saved, how many innocents protected, or Star Fleet officers. In that moment, the demon feeding on that rage convinces her none of it matters compared to what she did to the little girl. “Four years later, the section found that little girl,” her voice is harsh as if she’s breathed in too much smoke, raw and forced as if her vocal cords have never been used.

And then the rage erupts, finding an outlet in her voice as she unleashes it towards the fake heavens of the holodeck. The rage so hot that the moisture of the body escapes as tears down her face.
Casela Synthi-er

Immediately he pulled her close, strong arms locking around her both for comfort and for restraint. For in that moment they had reached a familiar precipice, crumbling tightrope between the light and the void. And for the first time that evening, Zachariah found himself doubting his strength. Not strength to pull her away from the dark, but strength not to pull her towards it.

Casela stood on the edge of that abyss ready to jump and allow the flames of her own rage to consume her. So ready was she, in that moment, to end the torment that was her existence. The strong unbreaking embrace of Zachariah shocked her and momentarily fed her rage. Who was he to attempt to restrain her? He could feel the retaliation building teetering on a tight rope waiting for the slightest breath of wind to tip her one way or the other. And then the contact brought his thoughts to her. The possibility that this man, this man who was the only father figure left in her life, would end his own life to help her end her torment shook her, to the core of her being. She was okay being alone, okay with no one to rely, it was her way.

“Shhh,” he attempted to soothe her, his own voice carrying a desperation he had no more desire to hide. “It’s okay, lass. You’re safe here. Safe from yourself.”

She shook her head, hard, denying his claim, “But who will keep others safe from me?” Fulfilling Roebuck’s request had brought her under the attention of Shadow Man again. She’d tried to stay off his radar. And now, by default, the whole crew would pay, if the section saw fit. If they knew how she felt about the members of this crew, they would all be used as leverage, to get her to cooperate. It was okay when it was just her, but now there were others that would be hurt, and it would be her fault for letting herself care.

He expected a physical rebuke and would accept it without protest. For while his care and concern for Casela were true, so too was the thought echoing like a torment around the cavern of his own blackened soul - that some small, perverted part of him was eager to welcome the carnage head on. And the end it would bring for them both.

• Captain Zachariah Cobb

The rebuke did not come. Such is the ability to see others as more than the sum of one moment. It is impossible, when a single moment so defines the self to see past it. As Zachariah is unable to see past the moment of watching his second officer beg him to pass on his final thoughts, so Casela can not see past that one moment where there was a child she could not save. Those who are tormented are often the first to forgive others for circumstances that could not be controlled. To see how another made the best choices, the smartest choices, the most compassionate choices, and then offer the forgiveness that they, themselves, need so badly. But also is it true that they can not accept that forgiveness for themselves. They cannot allow themselves to rest. And so Casela would not make the choice to dive into that abyss because there are debts to repay, and she cannot allow Zachariah to make that leap either. She sees the choices he made and the sacrifices it demanded, and knows that forces outside of himself took any other choice and paths away from him. She will not let him dive into a death of eternal torment for crimes that are not his to pay.

“No Zachariah, today is not that day. But if that day ever does come, you will not make that leap alone.” But then no one has cared for her, held her, in that way since she said good bye to her father, the day she graduated. The last day she ever saw her parents. And then in that moment, Casela is again 14, in the medical bay held in her father’s arms, sobbing for the horrific things they did to free their planet. Horrified at the choices she made. But instead it is Zachariah, the man who has come to replace her father, and she sobs anyway.
Lt. Synthi-er

He held her tightly as her body was wracked by seemingly endless sobs, his face pressed into her hair to mask the deluge of his own tears. Still so young and yet the suffering and hardship she had endured could have filled a hundred lifetimes already. Zachariah could only marvel at her strength and feel shame for his own parallel weakness.

“Aye, today is not that day,” he murmured when he could once again trust his own voice. “It is a punishment we have both earned to know that the end will not come easy. Or quick. We lack the ability to change the past, the people that we’ve hurt, the lives we’ve left devastated in our wake. And in truth perhaps they would remain unaltered even if we could.”

Stepping away from her slightly, Cobb placed a hand gently on her chin and raised her eyes to his. And as the firelight caught those fragments of cerulean blue behind the tears, she would glimpse his soul laid honest and bare for all of the world to see.
“The truth, Casela, is that we are uniquely formed to operate within this hellish environment. For only someone who dances on the edge could carry out the tasks we are ordered to do. And if not us, then who? Would you swap places with another and have them endure all of your suffering so that they could then take on your role? I already know that you would not. And neither would I.”

“The void is a lonely place to walk all alone,” he sighed into an affectionate smile. “And while I would never drag another down here to accompany me, since you fell by your own doing, then I am glad you at least landed by my side.”

• Captain Zachariah Cobb