Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval
Posted by… suppressed (12) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Renveer was caught off-guard by the captain’s blunt honesty, but he did his best not to show it on his face. Obviously he was pleased that she had opened up in that way, it was just unexpected. After the moment of surprise, Renveer settled further back into his chair. He knew that being vulnerable was never easy, especially for people who made a habit of keeping their inner thoughts locked down. Hopefully his physical relaxing would signal to Holloway that he didn’t intend to betray that trust.

“It’s more than okay, Captain. Would you prefer that I continue to call you by your rank, or would a different moniker be more appropriate for this conversation? You’re welcome to call me Renveer.” The counselor extended a hand palm-up to wordlessly encourage Holloway to continue, allowing her to speak about the last year without delay. There were things she had said in the moments prior that Renveer wanted to discuss further, particularly her father’s assertion that emotions were a sign of weakness, but he had a feeling that the conversation would circle back around to some of those themes.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

“Thank you, Commander.” Even though Holloway had just been given permission to call the Counselor by his given name, it was clear that that was not going to happen. However, when it came to herself things were a little different. “Molly. Please… in this conversation or any other. I hear my rank so much I almost forget my own name.” She chuckled.

Urged by the Counselor’s gesture, Molly sighed for a moment, leaning back on her seat, trying to gather her thoughts, but she found herself unable to put them into words. Because putting them into words meant having to relive the moments she was trying to forget.

“It all started about a year ago…” Holloway paused. It was more a way to give herself a starting point than anything else. “We were sent on a diplomatic mission to a planet called Beta Prime where we had a less than pleasant encounter with the Jem’Hadar.” For the moment, she didn’t seem fazed by the event. “It turned out they were working with a rogue Intel Agent… there was an investigation… it was a whole mess. But that’s past now. What’s not past…” Molly’s voice trailed off and she sighed. Closing her eyes, she tried to block Cal’s screams to fill her head, as well as the sickening sound of their depressurizing shuttle cabin. She shook her head.

“See… I’m trained to withstand heavy torture, and the hardest of interrogations. I am trained to end the people I love if they prove to be someone other than what they say they are. All in the name of the safety of the Federation. But this time…” She shook her head again, visibly trying to hold back tears. “This time I thought I was going to lose him… and I hadn’t even said goodbye.” Her voice trembled slightly.

“And then… when I think I am slowly healing back… about six months ago, the Dresden is boarded… both Klingons and Cardassians… the most ruthless attack I have ever seen. I’m sure you have heard about it. Everyone suffered losses. It was horrible.” Holloway shook her head once again before looking back to Renveer. “As I said… I was trained to withstand anything… and yet… I can’t close my eyes without going back… without… without reliving what… what they did to me.” She fell silent for a moment, before admitting. “I go to the holodeck to distract myself from my thoughts. To feel the pain I need to make sure I’m not dreaming. I can’t tell Calvin what they did when they took me. And I can’t tell Intelligence Command I am too weak for the job. I was supposed to be tough and fearless… and yet… here I am. Beat by what I think was a Klingon agonizer. I don’t feel like myself. I can’t sleep. And when I do pass out my dreams jumble these two events together in the worst nightmares I have ever had. Not even when I lost my command. I don’t understand.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer gulped in sympathy as Molly told her story. The Jem’Hadar, Klingons, and Cardassians in such a short time… the Dresden and its crew truly had been through hell. He sat quietly as Molly spoke, his hands folded in his lap and his eyes trained on Molly’s face, observing her body language.

The counselor allowed a moment of silence to pass after Molly had finished. “I am so sorry for all that you have experienced, Molly,” he said sincerely. “That is more than one person should bear, more than any known biological mind can reasonably handle.” Renveer pursed his lips a bit. “I understand you have allegiance to Starfleet Intelligence, but in my professional opinion the techniques that they teach you for compartmentalization and repression are a perverse weaponization of my field, and not in the best interest of anyone who practices them. There are always long-term consequences to shutting emotions out.”

There are always long-term consequences to shutting emotions out. The sentence lingered in Molly’s mind for a moment. Her whole life had been dedicated to shutting her emotions out, starting by the education she had gotten at home as a child. The only time she had learnt it was normal to have feelings had been on board the Monty, with Ashton. He had been there for her every step of the way, and he had made sure she understood that emotions were something it was okay to share. He had been more than her fiancé. He had been… a counselor. Molly could now see how much of his job he had put on their relationship and she felt both a wave of gratitude and a pang of guilt. But then of course, she had lost her ship and joined Starfleet Intelligence, and every old habit came back. Each and every single one of her emotions was hidden away, and with the tools Intel had given her, she was able to bury them deeper than ever before.

Redirecting himself from the small tangent, Renveer leaned forward slightly. “You said that you can’t close your eyes without going back to those traumatic experiences. In a technique called prolonged exposure therapy, a client harnesses the images like those you describe to process the associated emotions. I’m trained to guide you through this experience if you’d let me. But I will warn you, prolonged exposure therapy requires you to describe the event in detail and can be very anxiety-producing at first. It… requires a lot of trust between counselor and client. If you’re not ready for that, just say the word.”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Holloway’s eyes widened slightly at the proposal, before nodding in understanding. Silently listening, she took a moment to ponder before voicing her thoughts. “First, I just wanted to say that there’s no need to feel sorry about me, Commander. I was trained to deal with these situations, even if you may not approve of the techniques. But most of the crew wasn’t, and yet, I’m the one here.” She sighed softly.

“I am assuming that ‘exposure therapy’ refers to the detailed description you mentioned, and not that I will be subjected to the things I was in the past. If that is the case, I would like to go forward with it, if you think it could help.” Molly paused. “I don’t think I will ever be ready to talk about it, Commander, let alone describe anything that happened… it’s like…” She thought for a moment. “It’s like there is a forcefield somewhere in my mind that is keeping me from talking about it… but I have… I need to talk about it, or I will go insane. So, I would rather do so in a controlled environment where you could help me verbalize what happened, if what I am saying makes sense. If so, when can we start? And would it be possible to start by the most recent event?” Even though her body or speech didn’t show it, there was urgency in her eyes.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

(self-bumb) OOC: So sorry Joana, I am moving this weekend and I want to give this thread a proper response once I am better able to focus! I will get back to you earlier next week, promise!

Ben

Renveer shook his head in understanding. “‘Exposure’ is a misleading term in this case, I agree. What it intends to communicate is that you will confront your memories that you’ve repressed and expose yourself to the inevitable stresses that come along with doing so… but without this process, those memories will continue to be corrosive as they fester in your subconscious.”

Then he nodded his head to communicate his approval of Molly’s suggestion. “We can start wherever you’d like. And remember, you can stop the exercise whenever you’d like. You should try to continue if you feel uncomfortable, but listen to your body and don’t push yourself too far.” After a brief pause for them both to breath for a moment, Renveer continued. “You can close your eyes if you’d like, or find a spot on the wall to look at. But I want you to identify the point in time where this most recent memory begins, and start from there. Visualize that memory in your mind’s eye, and walk us through it in as much detail as you are comfortable with in the present tense. For example, you might say ‘I am walking down a brightly lit corridor and I feel tired.’ Focusing on the feelings associated with the memories as you experience them is particularly important.” Renveer observed Molly carefully as he gave the instructions, and as she started to speak afterwards. Despite his warnings, he was still wary of Molly’s boundaries, considering that it sounded as if she was a person who often pushed herself further than she should.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Molly nodded. Clasping her hands loosely on her lap, she took a deep breath, before closing her eyes and making a small pause to think. From the two botched missions, Holloway had somewhat dealt with the first. It was the more recent one that was, at least in her perspective, preventing her from coping with what was left to cope.

Taking another deep breath she finally allowed herself to start. “I don’t know where I am. I remember being on Deck 7. I was involved in a skirmish with three intruders. There was Klingon disruptor and Cardassian phaser fire. My tricorder readings spotted an odd phase variance to the blasts. I was on my way to the Bridge when something happened. My chest hurts. I believe I was stunned.”

Molly took another deep breath. Somehow deeper than the one before. Her brow furrowed as she tried to remember, and when she spoke she did so in a shakier voice. “I am reaching for my pistol but my wrist is caught on something. I’m restrained. I feel lightheaded. Something is off… almost as if my lungs are not taking in enough oxygen. I can barely feel my legs. I realize–” She choked slightly. “I realize I am upside down.” Another deep breath. “At this point I assume I’m no longer on the Dresden. I wonder how and why… where is Calvin and whether he’s okay… the crew… are we all here? Or am I alone?”

“I call out to see if anyone hears me. There were voices… speaking in the distance, but I only notice them because they stopped. Someone is coming. I can hear their footsteps” A soft gasp escaped Molly’s lips. “The structure I’m on is moving slowly, placing me right side up. I feel some sort of device in my head. But I am momentarily relieved. I am now face to face with a Cardassian. He’s wearing black robes with some sort of writing on it. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s talking to me.” With her eyes closed, a disgusted frown shaped Holloway’s lips. “I…” There was a clear moment of embarrassment. “I am being undressed. The Cardassian, Morak, ordered two guards to remove my clothes under the excuse of ‘making me more comfortable’.” Molly’s fingers mindlessly gestured air quotes before returning to her lap. “He is telling me I’m nothing but a ‘thing’ to him. That I have no freedom, no rights. That I exist only for his pleasure.” Holloway took a shaky breath before continuing. “I know what he’s trying to do. I was trained for this. He’s asserting his dominance, trying to make me understand that I am vulnerable and he holds the power. But I’m cold… and the fact that I am left naked and restrained makes me fear what his plans are for me…” Molly shook her head as a shiver coursed through her body. “I know I shouldn’t be scared, but I am.” With another deep breath, she continued. “Now he’s… he’s telling me that he will be asking questions, and that I am expected to give immediate answers or else…” Holloway’s shaky hands were still clasped together. Her fingernails digging into the back of the opposing hand. “Or else…” Her voice trailed off. “He’s reaching for some sort of device on his wrist… there’s a button and I can see he’s about to press it…” Tears rimmed her closed eyelids. Lost in her memories, her recollection kept playing almost as if it was a movie she couldn’t stop. “I want to stop it but I can’t.” Her breathing pattern was becoming erratic, panicked.

Renveer listened carefully to Molly’s retelling of her experiences, even allowing his eyes to close as well. It was often difficult for the counselor to toe the line between experiencing empathy and maintaining professional boundaries for his own mental health. In this case, he let his walls down just a bit more than he might have been supposed to. He found himself shuddering at the images and emotions Molly conjured from her memory. As she neared the climax of the event, Renveer had to wrench himself out of the visualization, opening his eyes and stifling a sharp inhale. He refocused his eyes on Molly as her breathing quickened.

“I can’t!” As her eyes shot open, gazing at the Counselor sitting opposite her, Molly jumped from her seat as her hands automatically reached for her hip where her phaser would normally be, but she wasn’t carrying one. And then her surroundings dawned on her. The office, the counselor, the ship. She was okay. She was fine. Morak was no longer a threat. For a moment she felt dizzy, as her blood pressure dropped and her mind blacked out. And when her fog in her vision lifted, Molly Holloway, the Dresden’s stoic Chief Intelligence Officer, burst into tears.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Other than a small blink, Renveer did not flinch or otherwise physically react to Molly’s sudden movement. He noticed the instinctual grab at the nonexistent phaser, but his eyes stayed trained on Molly’s face. His own expression was one of somber sympathy, with an uncharacteristically clenched jaw.

After a couple seconds, Renveer rose slowly from his chair and took a couple respectful steps toward Molly until they were standing arms-length apart. He extended one hand palm up, a silent invitation for Molly to hold onto his hand if she wanted to. The counselor did not say anything as Molly cried. His gaze fell to the floor as he spent that moment with her, simply allowing her space to feel the emotions it seemed she had repressed for so long.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

OOC: Ahhhhhhhhh you’re such a good writer ahhhhhhhhh

OOC: Hahaha! Well, thank you. I’m flattered! Especially as I think you’re a much better writer than I am, so… thank you! You’ve made my day! :) – Joana

IC:
What was happening? What had been done to her? Why was she crying? Molly’s brain was in overdrive as she struggled to stop the tears. Taking the offered hand, Holloway used the warm touch of a friendly being to ground herself.

Letting go of the Counselor’s hand, she sat back down on the the couch. “I’m sorry.” Her words were still shaky. She cleared her throat. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to… I shouldn’t…” Molly shook her head.

The counselor settled lightly back into his armchair, mirroring Molly’s movement. He shook his head wordlessly in turn as she apologized, hoping to convey that it was not necessary.

Leaning forward, she propped her elbows on her knees and used her hands to support her head, not looking at Renveer, but rather looking at her own feet. “It didn’t end there…” She said almost in a whisper. She took a few deep breaths.

Renveer opened his mouth as if to speak, intending to tell her that she did not need to go further today, that she had taken a huge step already and that she could take all the time she needed before they delved further. But then she was off again, and Renveer bit his tongue, allowing the person in front of him to do what she needed to do.

Closing her eyes, Molly resumed her telling of what had happened. She had started it, and she was adamant she would finish it. “Someone else is coming. A woman. Human. She’s telling Morak to stop or he’ll kill me, and he knows what Our Lady will do if that happens. I don’t know who Our Lady is… it seems that I have stumbled upon some sort of Cardassian cult. He is talking back to her. He called her ‘Terran’… This is when I realize that the Dresden may not have been attacked by the Cardassians existing in our own universe but rather a parallel one… it would explain the phase variance on the weapon’s fire…” For a moment, Holloway seemed lost in thought.

“He’s telling the woman how much he despises the human– terran race… and for the first time I gather the strength to talk back to him. I spit on his face, and the woman places herself between the two of us. She’s a doctor. She asks Morak to tend to my injuries so that he can torture me again later. That seems to make him go away for the time being and I use this moment to ask the woman to let me go. She tells me that she can’t, or they will kill her. Eventually I manage to convince her to help me escape in exchange for safe passage on the Dresden. It’s a win-win scenario. She’s done now. She’s leaving, presumably to prepare a distraction that will enable her to get me out of there and both of us to safety. All I have to do now is wait… I feel cold… tired… weak… The woman told me Morak will come back and that I will be tortured again, and after a while he finally comes back.”

Molly’s whole body shook as she reviewed her memories of the event. “His laughing… well… he’s cackling… He’s holding a small object… There are sparks coming from it. He is asking me for the Dresden’s command codes, which I don’t hold. He probably knows that, but he doesn’t care. All he wants is someone to hurt and an excuse to hurt them. He is laughing and walking in my direction and–” Holloway’s speech ends abruptly once more as her left hand travels to her throat. Tears return to her eyes, but this time she manages to control them.

“I’ve faced cattle prods before, but this is much worse than that.” Molly sobs quietly. “I tell him I don’t know the command codes and beg him to end me. Anything is better than this.” She swallowed hard, her hand massaging her neck. It’s clear that that’s where her aggressor had landed the object. “I will never forget the pleasure in his voice… and his reply…” Laying back on her seat, Holloway wiped the tears in her eyes before repeating what the Cardassian’s reply had been. “I don’t want to kill you… I want to take you apart. One. Piece. At. A. Time. I want to find out how much you terrans can take, and how long I can keep your organs functioning while I do it… I plan on the two of us being together for months…” Her eyes never met the Counselor’s. Instead she closed them again, trying her best to control the tears that relentlessly fell down her cheeks. “He’s continuing his… session…” Molly sobbed. Still with her eyes closed, her arms instinctively crossed over her chest and her legs moved upwards towards her chest. Almost as if she was trying to hide away from an invisible attacker, shielding her body in a semi fetal position.

Shaking her head, she did her best to continue. “I don’t know what else he used. Or what else he did. It felt like an eternity but I now know it was only two hours. He must have left at some point, because when the doctor returned he was no longer there.” Opening her eyes, the tear streaks on Molly’s cheeks were clearly visible. Her eyes were swollen and red, giving her lightly colored eyebrows and lashes something to contrast against. “I’m sorry…” She tightened her arms over her body as if whatever happened then, was still happening now. “I know this is no longer first person but I don’t think I can do it anymore. I’m so sorry…”

As the words left her lips, Holloway felt as if she had been transported back to the family’s living room on their small apartment in New York, trying to impress her dad, and failing. All her life had been a struggle to try and impress others around her, to no avail. And even now, Renveer had given her one task, to recount her memory in first person, and she was still failing to meet it. Worse, she was giving up. The fear in the grown woman’s eyes was a reflection of both the fear she had felt during her encounter with Morak, and the scared little girl that still lived inside of her, expecting a punishment for messing up the task she had been given, and she was terrified.

“Every time I close my eyes I hear his voice. I feel the agonizer her used on me, among all the other things. I feel the straps around my wrists. I go to the holodeck and try to exhaust myself enough that I can sleep, but even then, many times my mind wonders back.” Molly paused once again before uttering what was one of her main worries. “I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t be crying… I’m not supposed to be crying… I’m supposed to withstand this, right? This was what I was trained for. So why is it affecting me? Why can’t I go to sleep? Without feeling what he put me through on my skin… over and over again? Why am I this weak?”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer did not interrupt as Molly spoke. He had steeled himself a little more this time, knowing what was coming, but his expression never changed from a look of genuine concern and care. Renveer felt overwhelmed just hearing about her experiences, which meant that he could only imagine the emotions she was experiencing reliving them. The counselor kept his calm composure, but a long inhale and exhale through his nose before he started speaking signaled that he was releasing some amount of built-up stress as he gathered his thoughts.

Every time Molly apologized or spoke about what she was ‘supposed to’ do, Renveer had to resist the urge to interject. But he let her train of thought come to its conclusion, let her reach that final, telling question. When she did ask it, he let it hang in the air for just a moment.

“What you just did, Molly, is one of the most difficult things anyone could be asked to do.” Renveer held Molly’s gaze now, whether she met his eyes or not. His tone retained its kindness, but became more solid somehow, more firm. “You are not weak.” He did not follow that statement up with any further justification. He simply let her hear that. Of course she needed to believe it herself. But Renveer stated it in such a way that it was not an opinion. It was a fact.

It’s not as difficult as to physically live through it. Molly’s brain retorted, but she remained silent. Her gaze raised from the floor and met the Counselor’s, holding it in return. It was clear by the look in her eyes that, even though she appreciated them, Holloway didn’t really believe Renveer’s words. In her mind, if she had gone through the experience, anyone could.

Renveer continued after a moment, shifting the topic almost as if there was nothing else to be said about her question of strength. He left no room for argument. “Going forward, you aren’t allowed to apologize to me in this room.” He motioned around. “Apologize to yourself, apologize to others, but you don’t have, and never will have, any reason to apologize to me during a session. I am a facilitator, yes, but at the end of the day I am little more than a sounding board for your own mind. You can’t disappoint me, you can’t offend me, you can’t fail at therapy. It’s literally impossible. I want you to do what you need to do to make progress. I have no expectations for how that will happen, no timeline or checklist. You are steering the ship, as it were. But know that you can do no disservice to me, I’m not a passenger on the ship. I’m simply a lighthouse.”

This time Molly nodded. And even though she said nothing in return, a lone tear rolled down her cheek. It was clear that something about the Counselor’s words had had a deeper impact on her.

The counselor paused again for his words to sink in. His tone softened once again. “I know that exercise was distressing. It’s intended to be a way for you to confront those intrusive thoughts, rather than avoiding them as you must do in almost every other situation where they arise in your daily life. As… horrible as it is to experience those thoughts in their entirety, hopefully, with time, it will give you a space to process those memories. As an intelligence officer, I’m sure you’ll agree that understanding a threat is paramount to neutralizing it. We want you to have a safe space where you can learn about your emotions associated with that event and ultimately determine how to cope with them in a healthy way.”

As an intelligence officer, I’m sure you’ll agree that understanding a threat is paramount to neutralizing it. The man had a point. She nodded once again, even though she was sure she didn’t fully understand all the ramifications of what he was saying.

Renveer’s eyebrows titled upwards slightly. “May I ask how you’re feeling, in this moment?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Wiping the tears that still rimmed her eyes, Molly exhaled. Taking another deep breath she allowed herself to ponder the Counselor’s question for a moment.

“Part of me feels relived.” She finally said. “Relieved that I’m not the only one who knows exactly what happened anymore. That there’s at least one person on this ship with whom I don’t have to keep this to myself.” Her gaze had fallen from the man in front of her, and now Molly seemed to be completely enthralled by her shoes.

Renveer nodded encouragingly, feeling relief himself that Molly had been able to identify at least one positive outcome from the experience. He extended a hand to motion to the box of tissues that sat on an end table on one side of the loveseat she sat on.

“Part of me feels scared. Scared that something like this may happen again, and scared that, if it does, I will…” She paused for a moment searching of the right words. “… chicken out, I guess would be the appropriate expression, and not be able to do my job. If anything, my time at Starfleet has been one botched mission after the other, and I can’t seem to find something I’m good at… I think I was a good Security officer… maybe even a decent XO. But then… I lost my Command, and I put it all in Intelligence. And for what? For now realizing that I can’t even do that one job right.” At this point is was almost as if she was talking to herself rather than to the Counselor.

Finally, lifting her gaze to meet Renveer’s, Molly continued. “I feel conflicted. I understand all you have told me, but… it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it seems to be so far away. Right now it feels like when I leave through those doors…” She motioned towards the office doors. “… I will not have changed. I will still be the same person fighting off my mind. I will still won’t be able to sleep. I’ll still go to the holodeck to try to forget what happened. I will still not do my job as well as I could. And the crew will suffer because of it.”

Molly’s shoulders slumped forward and she sniffed. “My father used to say that emotions were a sign of weakness… I might have mentioned that before… but the truth is… everything would be much better if I didn’t have them. If feeling was optional, you know?” She scoffed softly. “When you ask me how I feel, all I can tell you is… I am scared of my own emotions and how they may hinder me. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t be here. I would just have been patched up and be back at my job without further worries.” She shrugged. “If I didn’t have them, I would have withstood everything without shedding a tear. Just like Intel expects me to do.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

For all of Molly’s disdain for emotions, Renveer noted that she was awfully good at naming them, better than most people in therapy. Relieved, scared, conflicted. Perhaps her father’s preoccupation with emotions had the opposite effect that he intended, Renveer thought to himself. Maybe Molly had learned from an early age to constantly be aware of and in tune with her emotions, even too aware or in tune. Unfortunately, Renveer had to admit that as Molly said, this was not a particularly helpful trait for an intelligence officer.

From an early age, Molly had never been the best at empathizing. She was cold and collected for the most part, not really caring for what herself or others felt. She had always had trouble communicating her feelings or understanding the feelings of others. And sometimes even her own. And then, Intelligence had came in, demanding her to be able to read other people – something that Molly never had been able to do. Determined to be the best she could be, she had studied Intel supplied material on emotion recognition and manipulation, over countless nights. She knew the textbook cover to cover, and she knew enough to do her job. But she knew the theory, nothing else.

The counselor took a long breath in and held it for a second before he spoke, with perhaps a bit of regret seeping into his voice. “Unfortunately, the results of counseling aren’t quick to manifest. In all likelihood, you’re right Molly. When you leave here, very little will have changed. But, something will have changed. No matter how small the difference, even if it is imperceptible to you, you have made progress. And there is power in knowing that there is something you can do, and that you are doing it. Feeling like nothing has changed after our first meeting is totally normal. In fact, it’s preferable. Most people leave their first counseling session with a new therapist feeling worse than they did entering it. Problems are often identified without the proper time needed to address them, and our instincts are to jump to solution-based thinking, when really what we may need at first is just a listening ear so that we can talk through what the problem that we’re trying to solve is exactly.” He paused, stopping his tangent. “So, feeling like nothing has changed or even feeling like things are worse is, unfortunately, normal. But I promise that if you let us continue to work together, that will change over time. Things will get better.”

Nodding in understanding, Molly reached for the offered box of tissues, taking two and drying her eyes. For someone that had visited so many counselors during her lifetime, it was astounding how little she knew about actual therapy. Not to mention, that this was probably the first time in her life she had actively sought it, or at least accepted it.

Renveer folded his hands in his lap, his brow furrowing and causing his trill markings to crumple slightly along his forehead. “I don’t work for Intelligence. In fact, I’ve actively avoided becoming involved with that aspect of Starfleet. To be frank, Molly, I don’t care about Intelligence or even what tasks they assign you while you’re onboard the Dresden. I care about you, as a person. Yes, you have a duty to Starfleet and yadda yadda. But you have a duty to yourself first.” His tone had grown slightly agitated, passionate. “You had one year of training to be an intelligence officer before you experienced a lifetime’s worth of pain. It’s not fair to you to expect yourself to be prepared for that. It’s not right for Starfleet to expect you to be prepared for that. My personal belief is that no one can ever be prepared for what you went through, and any ‘training’ to the contrary is an attempt to sweep emotional damage related to military service under the rug, sacrificing the well-being of patriotic personnel for political posturings that are often driven by impure motives. Yes, you have emotions. You are human. Feeling is not and never will be optional. For Intelligence to pretend otherwise creates a dishonest and damaging standard that you can’t possibly live up to. I challenge you, Molly, to be a full person. Don’t let Intelligence, or your father, take that away from you going forward.” Renveer sighed through his nose as he settled, regaining his composure and hoping against hope that he had not ruined whatever rapport he and Molly had established.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

It took a moment for Molly to process the Counselor’s words, and somehow they made her feel like she had been ran over by a truck. He was right, and deep down Molly knew it, even if she didn’t want to believe him. Intelligence had been a clever excuse to hide how lost she had felt over the past four years. A clever excuse to avoid dealing with her own emotional breakdown. She had had a life… and a future. And in the blink of an eye everything had been taken away from her. Her ship, her fiancé, her plans. And since then nothing had been the same.

“My father died nineteen years ago, Commander.” Molly finally allowed herself to say. “I found out about it last year.” She shrugged. “I took my sister and ran away from home when I was ten so… I hadn’t seen him for the last twenty years.” She paused before continuing. “Please, don’t think I’m sad about it. I’m not.” The statement was only partially true.

“I’ve spent many sleepless nights trying to analyze why I am the way I am… and I always come to the same conclusion. That what he did to me growing up shaped who I am in life. There doesn’t seem to be a way for me to disassociate myself from him. You… if you read my files… it must be in them… he used to drink… too much… it was just us and him. And uh… he used to get angry… at us… at me, most of the time. My sister was too young to do anything anyway…” The words were staggered. It was clearly a subject Molly was still embarrassed to talk about. “I swore I wouldn’t be like him… but the truth is… even though he’s gone and me and Erin had a loving home with an amazing adoptive father that did everything he could to make us thrive… it’s like I am still trying to impress him. Maybe if I’m as tough as he wanted me to be, maybe he’ll… love me?” For a moment, Molly seemed speechless. “I know this is crazy… maybe it doesn’t make any sense at all… but…” She took another tissue and used it to dry her eyes and her nose once more. “Can I change that? Is there a book on how to be human?” Molly chuckled slightly. “Or… how to be a Trill for that matter? How can I… embrace being human after a lifetime of repressing what I’m feeling?”

Shaking her head, Holloway finally admitted what she didn’t want to admit for a long time. “I think I want to change my answer to your question about my current feelings, Commander.” She said hesitantly. “Yes, I feel relieved, and scared, and conflicted… but most of all… I feel lost.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer shook his head in understanding. “Feelings don’t have to make sense, but in this case they do. Sometimes when you’re lost, all you can do is pick a direction and start walking. Maybe you will discover landmarks along the way that will help orient you. You’ve already taken those first steps by confronting the trauma you experienced as a Starfleet officer. Perhaps you could try a similar exercise to interact with the trauma from your childhood. I read how your mother died in childbirth when you were very young. I wonder how you would explain all that you’ve accomplished to her, given the chance today. How would you tell her about all the good things in your life, all that you’ve achieved, all that you’ve become? How would you identify those things, the things that would make your mother proud or happy for you?” It wasn’t as much a challenge as it was a genuine question. Renveer wanted to get Molly to think about herself in a positive light before bringing her father’s opinion back into the mix. Hopefully, by asking her to think about speaking with her mother, Molly might be inclined to be more charitable with her own self-perception.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)