Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval
Posted by… suppressed (3) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Renveer was caught off-guard by the captain’s blunt honesty, but he did his best not to show it on his face. Obviously he was pleased that she had opened up in that way, it was just unexpected. After the moment of surprise, Renveer settled further back into his chair. He knew that being vulnerable was never easy, especially for people who made a habit of keeping their inner thoughts locked down. Hopefully his physical relaxing would signal to Holloway that he didn’t intend to betray that trust.

“It’s more than okay, Captain. Would you prefer that I continue to call you by your rank, or would a different moniker be more appropriate for this conversation? You’re welcome to call me Renveer.” The counselor extended a hand palm-up to wordlessly encourage Holloway to continue, allowing her to speak about the last year without delay. There were things she had said in the moments prior that Renveer wanted to discuss further, particularly her father’s assertion that emotions were a sign of weakness, but he had a feeling that the conversation would circle back around to some of those themes.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

“Thank you, Commander.” Even though Holloway had just been given permission to call the Counselor by his given name, it was clear that that was not going to happen. However, when it came to herself things were a little different. “Molly. Please… in this conversation or any other. I hear my rank so much I almost forget my own name.” She chuckled.

Urged by the Counselor’s gesture, Molly sighed for a moment, leaning back on her seat, trying to gather her thoughts, but she found herself unable to put them into words. Because putting them into words meant having to relive the moments she was trying to forget.

“It all started about a year ago…” Holloway paused. It was more a way to give herself a starting point than anything else. “We were sent on a diplomatic mission to a planet called Beta Prime where we had a less than pleasant encounter with the Jem’Hadar.” For the moment, she didn’t seem fazed by the event. “It turned out they were working with a rogue Intel Agent… there was an investigation… it was a whole mess. But that’s past now. What’s not past…” Molly’s voice trailed off and she sighed. Closing her eyes, she tried to block Cal’s screams to fill her head, as well as the sickening sound of their depressurizing shuttle cabin. She shook her head.

“See… I’m trained to withstand heavy torture, and the hardest of interrogations. I am trained to end the people I love if they prove to be someone other than what they say they are. All in the name of the safety of the Federation. But this time…” She shook her head again, visibly trying to hold back tears. “This time I thought I was going to lose him… and I hadn’t even said goodbye.” Her voice trembled slightly.

“And then… when I think I am slowly healing back… about six months ago, the Dresden is boarded… both Klingons and Cardassians… the most ruthless attack I have ever seen. I’m sure you have heard about it. Everyone suffered losses. It was horrible.” Holloway shook her head once again before looking back to Renveer. “As I said… I was trained to withstand anything… and yet… I can’t close my eyes without going back… without… without reliving what… what they did to me.” She fell silent for a moment, before admitting. “I go to the holodeck to distract myself from my thoughts. To feel the pain I need to make sure I’m not dreaming. I can’t tell Calvin what they did when they took me. And I can’t tell Intelligence Command I am too weak for the job. I was supposed to be tough and fearless… and yet… here I am. Beat by what I think was a Klingon agonizer. I don’t feel like myself. I can’t sleep. And when I do pass out my dreams jumble these two events together in the worst nightmares I have ever had. Not even when I lost my command. I don’t understand.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer gulped in sympathy as Molly told her story. The Jem’Hadar, Klingons, and Cardassians in such a short time… the Dresden and its crew truly had been through hell. He sat quietly as Molly spoke, his hands folded in his lap and his eyes trained on Molly’s face, observing her body language.

The counselor allowed a moment of silence to pass after Molly had finished. “I am so sorry for all that you have experienced, Molly,” he said sincerely. “That is more than one person should bear, more than any known biological mind can reasonably handle.” Renveer pursed his lips a bit. “I understand you have allegiance to Starfleet Intelligence, but in my professional opinion the techniques that they teach you for compartmentalization and repression are a perverse weaponization of my field, and not in the best interest of anyone who practices them. There are always long-term consequences to shutting emotions out.”

There are always long-term consequences to shutting emotions out. The sentence lingered in Molly’s mind for a moment. Her whole life had been dedicated to shutting her emotions out, starting by the education she had gotten at home as a child. The only time she had learnt it was normal to have feelings had been on board the Monty, with Ashton. He had been there for her every step of the way, and he had made sure she understood that emotions were something it was okay to share. He had been more than her fiancé. He had been… a counselor. Molly could now see how much of his job he had put on their relationship and she felt both a wave of gratitude and a pang of guilt. But then of course, she had lost her ship and joined Starfleet Intelligence, and every old habit came back. Each and every single one of her emotions was hidden away, and with the tools Intel had given her, she was able to bury them deeper than ever before.

Redirecting himself from the small tangent, Renveer leaned forward slightly. “You said that you can’t close your eyes without going back to those traumatic experiences. In a technique called prolonged exposure therapy, a client harnesses the images like those you describe to process the associated emotions. I’m trained to guide you through this experience if you’d let me. But I will warn you, prolonged exposure therapy requires you to describe the event in detail and can be very anxiety-producing at first. It… requires a lot of trust between counselor and client. If you’re not ready for that, just say the word.”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Holloway’s eyes widened slightly at the proposal, before nodding in understanding. Silently listening, she took a moment to ponder before voicing her thoughts. “First, I just wanted to say that there’s no need to feel sorry about me, Commander. I was trained to deal with these situations, even if you may not approve of the techniques. But most of the crew wasn’t, and yet, I’m the one here.” She sighed softly.

“I am assuming that ‘exposure therapy’ refers to the detailed description you mentioned, and not that I will be subjected to the things I was in the past. If that is the case, I would like to go forward with it, if you think it could help.” Molly paused. “I don’t think I will ever be ready to talk about it, Commander, let alone describe anything that happened… it’s like…” She thought for a moment. “It’s like there is a forcefield somewhere in my mind that is keeping me from talking about it… but I have… I need to talk about it, or I will go insane. So, I would rather do so in a controlled environment where you could help me verbalize what happened, if what I am saying makes sense. If so, when can we start? And would it be possible to start by the most recent event?” Even though her body or speech didn’t show it, there was urgency in her eyes.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

(self-bumb) OOC: So sorry Joana, I am moving this weekend and I want to give this thread a proper response once I am better able to focus! I will get back to you earlier next week, promise!

Ben

Renveer shook his head in understanding. “‘Exposure’ is a misleading term in this case, I agree. What it intends to communicate is that you will confront your memories that you’ve repressed and expose yourself to the inevitable stresses that come along with doing so… but without this process, those memories will continue to be corrosive as they fester in your subconscious.”

Then he nodded his head to communicate his approval of Molly’s suggestion. “We can start wherever you’d like. And remember, you can stop the exercise whenever you’d like. You should try to continue if you feel uncomfortable, but listen to your body and don’t push yourself too far.” After a brief pause for them both to breath for a moment, Renveer continued. “You can close your eyes if you’d like, or find a spot on the wall to look at. But I want you to identify the point in time where this most recent memory begins, and start from there. Visualize that memory in your mind’s eye, and walk us through it in as much detail as you are comfortable with in the present tense. For example, you might say ‘I am walking down a brightly lit corridor and I feel tired.’ Focusing on the feelings associated with the memories as you experience them is particularly important.” Renveer observed Molly carefully as he gave the instructions, and as she started to speak afterwards. Despite his warnings, he was still wary of Molly’s boundaries, considering that it sounded as if she was a person who often pushed herself further than she should.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)