Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Ensign Wiles Osten (Security Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval
Posted by… suppressed (6) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Renveer smiled as he listened to Holloway talk about her sister, which she obviously adored. “She sounds like an exceptional young woman, and the Federation Science Council is lucky to have her. We share some similar family dynamics, I have a younger brother who is the ‘extrovert in the family’ as well. From my personal experience, I know that younger siblings can be a bit much to handle sometimes, so it’s good to hear that you and Erin have always gotten along and been there for each other when you’ve needed it.”

Molly smiled softly, comforted by the sense of connection and understanding coming from the Counselor’s own experience.

As Renveer continued, he tried his best to keep his tone casual as the line of questioning became a little more pointed. “I imagine her departure felt like a little bit of a loss for your support system on the Dresden. In the time after she left, did you find other crew members to connect with on-board? People you could confide in, vent to, relax with?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Molly pondered the question for a moment — not exactly thinking about the answer, but rather about what she should or should not say. She knew where he was going with it. Or at least, she thought she did.

“Erin was never part of my support system, per se…” Molly started. “Well…” She was visibly trying to phrase her feelings correctly. “There was a time when, even though she was not actively helping me, she was the person I relied on. That time has long past.” Holloway paused again. “When I enrolled at C.A. Riley at fourteen, I had to learn to move in a world without my sister. Three years later, she started attending Harker School in San Jose, and I got into the Academy a year later. I was half way through the program when she enrolled in high school. At that point, not only was she not around as she didn’t want me around… if you know what I mean.” Molly shot Renveer a weak smile. “She’s smart, beautiful, part of the cheer squad… I mean… she didn’t want her annoying older sister shooing all the boys away from her.” She chuckled softly, but her expression grew serious quickly.

“We started talking regularly in the evenings, when I was assigned to the Montgomery. She had just been accepted at UCLA. It was good for both of us. So when she came to the Dresden we had been doing that that for at least two years… we stopped it completely while I was off with Intel, of course, but when she left it was just like going back to the old days.”

“I learnt to rely on other members of the crew for support a long time ago.” Molly thought about Ashton, the counselor on board both the Montgomery and the Turing. He had been the one teaching her the value of human connections on board a starship. So much so that they had been engaged for almost the two whole years they had served together.

Holloway smiled softly at the Counselor’s last question. “Colonel Harris is a very close friend of mine. He was the Commander of the Turing’s Marine Expeditionary Unit. When I came back from Intel training, he requested me personally to be his Chief Intelligence Officer.” She shrugged. “He’s the one person I go to for my personal troubles, so to speak. That and the holodeck. So far that has seemed to work just fine.” Molly carefully omitted the fact that even though the Dresden’s CO was in fact a very close friend of hers, the pair had been involved in a serious relationship for the past two and a half years.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer nodded at the mention of the Dresden’s commanding officer, but intended on holding the information he had learned from Commander Manning close to his chest for the moment. “Tell me about this friendship with Colonel Harris. I’m sure you’re aware that he referred you to counseling following, if I’m not mistaken…” he paused to reach for a PaDD on the nearby shelf, scrolling through it for a second, “yes, a holodeck accident where the safeties were disabled.” He looked up at Holloway with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Renveer set the PaDD aside and leaned forward slightly. “Do you think Colonel Harris referred you to counseling as a punishment or out of genuine concern?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

OOC: Sorry about the wait. Creativity has been hard to come by these days, but it’s slowly coming back. – Joana

IC:
Molly sighed, finding her hands very interesting for a moment. There went any possibility of her getting her full access to her program again. It would have been naïve of her to assume that the Counselor wouldn’t know about the incident, but somehow, the way the conversation had been going so far, she had hoped to broach the subject later in the session.

“Genuine concern.” Holloway said flatly. “He would never do anything to ‘punish’ me.” That had never been a question. She paused for a moment pondering on what she should say. “Calvin and I went through a lot together. Sometimes I feel like he knows me more than I know myself.” She smiled softly. Her fondness for the Dresden’s CO clear in her expression. “He worries about me. For no reason, I may add. He seems to believe that I need someone to look after me, but he doesn’t allow anyone to look after himself.” Molly shrugged. “The past year was not easy, Commander. For any of us.” It was the first time Holloway admitted any sort of hardship. “But Calvin doesn’t know half of it, because I know that if he ever does, he might do something he will regret. Not to mention, he already has enough on his plate.” Molly paused. “Because of that, the holodeck became my main form of decompression. Of escape, if you will… and sometimes accidents happened. The situation you mentioned was an accident.” Or at least, that was the story she told herself. “But there’s no way I will ever convince him of such.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

OOC: No worries at all, I’m feeling it too. And threads like these aren’t exactly uplifting, so if you’d like to revisit them at a later date when things might be a little less stressful in the real world, just let me know!

OOC: Thank you! I’ve been missing writing lately, so I’ll just carry on, hopefully a little more often. I think my creative mindset is starting to coming back. And even if not the most uplifting, I’m quite enjoying these threads! However, the same goes to you, though, if you feel like you want to take a break. :) – Joana

IC: Renveer found it interesting that Holloway obviously knew the colonel very well. Her assessment of him was the same that Renveer had made during their initial interaction, especially after Harris had directed Renveer to speak to Manning and Holloway before allowing the counselor to help him. But he did not want this conversation to become about the commanding officer.

“If Colonel Harris is currently your main source of inter-personal support and it sounds like he isn’t a viable outlet to express your feelings about the last year with, I’m not surprised to hear that most of your coping has played out in the holo-deck. I know you know this, but it’s important to find emotional release in the real world as well, especially with real people.” He paused. “I apologize for being so frank, Captain, but you mentioned escapism and I do have to ask if you may have found yourself experiencing some form of holo-addiction.” Renveer’s voice hadn’t changed, hopefully relaying the impression that such a possibility was nothing to be ashamed of or anything out of the ordinary.

(Lt. Comm Renveer, Counselor)

The corners of Molly’s lips twitched slightly upwards before a more serious expression returned to her face. At first she had found the suggestion to be ridiculous, but as the thought entered her mind, she wondered whether the Counselor was onto something.

“Unlikely.” Holloway finally said. She had heard stories of people that had skipped their shifts in order to take part in their holofantasies. That had not been her. “I report to duty when I’m supposed to, and my job has not been impaired by my use of the holodeck. I have a time slot booked every morning for my training routine, and I have found myself using that same program in the evenings whenever I can’t sleep. But that’s about it. Now, that being said…” Molly paused for a moment to think about her next words. “I am not the most social of creatures, Commander… And I would rather not share my emotions with the other members of the crew.” There was a pause. “In the holodeck, it’s just me and my program… and with Calvin, I know that whatever I share with him will never leave the walls of his quarters.” For a moment, her thoughts floated back to the conversation she had had with Ensign Osten over pancakes sometime prior. It made her realize that she missed the more personal interactions she had had on board the Turing. And most of all, it made her realize how much she needed to get off her chest.

“My father used to say that emotions are a sign of weakness.” Holloway continued. “It took me years to understand that that he was wrong, although I still feel like I was better off without them.” Molly chuckled nervously. “But the truth is that people tend to judge you if you share your problems with them. And my private life, or my private worries, are no one else’s business but mine.”

The Intel chief fell silent again, distractedly looking at her hands before looking back at Renveer. “I hope you don’t mind my bluntness, Commander, but I never liked Counselors. You said it yourself, it looks like I’ve spent more time in counselors’ offices than you did. And truth be told, while growing up I never understood why I had to see a counselor. I still don’t, but I have a better idea now.” She sighed softly, as if she was deciding what to share. “I came here today because Starfleet required me to. And to be completely honest, I came here because I thought I could maybe twist you into giving me full access to my holodeck training program again. Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered to show up.” It was very uncharacteristic for Holloway to completely show her hand. Mostly because it was also very uncharacteristic of her to be completely honest, especially in the current setting. But her eyes showed no sign of a hidden intent. “But the truth is, even I need to get things off my chest every once in a while, and the holodeck is not really cutting it anymore… I am getting too reckless, and Medical is starting to notice. It won’t be too long until I have something permanently written on my file.” She shot the Counselor an embarrassed smile. “This is a very new feeling for me, but I think I need to talk to someone about the last year… and well… if I can’t really talk with Calvin, is it okay if I talk with you?” It was a big step for Molly, and it had demanded a tremendous effort on her part to take it. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and after so long without an outlet, Holloway was felt like she didn’t have a choice.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer was caught off-guard by the captain’s blunt honesty, but he did his best not to show it on his face. Obviously he was pleased that she had opened up in that way, it was just unexpected. After the moment of surprise, Renveer settled further back into his chair. He knew that being vulnerable was never easy, especially for people who made a habit of keeping their inner thoughts locked down. Hopefully his physical relaxing would signal to Holloway that he didn’t intend to betray that trust.

“It’s more than okay, Captain. Would you prefer that I continue to call you by your rank, or would a different moniker be more appropriate for this conversation? You’re welcome to call me Renveer.” The counselor extended a hand palm-up to wordlessly encourage Holloway to continue, allowing her to speak about the last year without delay. There were things she had said in the moments prior that Renveer wanted to discuss further, particularly her father’s assertion that emotions were a sign of weakness, but he had a feeling that the conversation would circle back around to some of those themes.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

“Thank you, Commander.” Even though Holloway had just been given permission to call the Counselor by his given name, it was clear that that was not going to happen. However, when it came to herself things were a little different. “Molly. Please… in this conversation or any other. I hear my rank so much I almost forget my own name.” She chuckled.

Urged by the Counselor’s gesture, Molly sighed for a moment, leaning back on her seat, trying to gather her thoughts, but she found herself unable to put them into words. Because putting them into words meant having to relive the moments she was trying to forget.

“It all started about a year ago…” Holloway paused. It was more a way to give herself a starting point than anything else. “We were sent on a diplomatic mission to a planet called Beta Prime where we had a less than pleasant encounter with the Jem’Hadar.” For the moment, she didn’t seem fazed by the event. “It turned out they were working with a rogue Intel Agent… there was an investigation… it was a whole mess. But that’s past now. What’s not past…” Molly’s voice trailed off and she sighed. Closing her eyes, she tried to block Cal’s screams to fill her head, as well as the sickening sound of their depressurizing shuttle cabin. She shook her head.

“See… I’m trained to withstand heavy torture, and the hardest of interrogations. I am trained to end the people I love if they prove to be someone other than what they say they are. All in the name of the safety of the Federation. But this time…” She shook her head again, visibly trying to hold back tears. “This time I thought I was going to lose him… and I hadn’t even said goodbye.” Her voice trembled slightly.

“And then… when I think I am slowly healing back… about six months ago, the Dresden is boarded… both Klingons and Cardassians… the most ruthless attack I have ever seen. I’m sure you have heard about it. Everyone suffered losses. It was horrible.” Holloway shook her head once again before looking back to Renveer. “As I said… I was trained to withstand anything… and yet… I can’t close my eyes without going back… without… without reliving what… what they did to me.” She fell silent for a moment, before admitting. “I go to the holodeck to distract myself from my thoughts. To feel the pain I need to make sure I’m not dreaming. I can’t tell Calvin what they did when they took me. And I can’t tell Intelligence Command I am too weak for the job. I was supposed to be tough and fearless… and yet… here I am. Beat by what I think was a Klingon agonizer. I don’t feel like myself. I can’t sleep. And when I do pass out my dreams jumble these two events together in the worst nightmares I have ever had. Not even when I lost my command. I don’t understand.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO