Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours

Posted by Commander Amelia Manning (Executive Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours
Posted by… suppressed (4) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Renveer again felt a pang in his chest, a natural sympathy for the officer in front of him who had been through so much. As a counselor, Renveer often found himself battling anger. Anger at the galaxy for being so cruel to good people. He quelled that bubble of emotion for now, tucking it away for the punching bag later.

Renveer took a deep breath in and out, providing a model for the behavior without explicitly instructing Manning to do it, inviting her to join him wordlessly. “You said that you feel nothing. I think you feel something, you just might not know what to name it. Emotions are nuanced things, with so many different words for complicated sensations and even then often times those descriptors aren’t adequate. So don’t worry about labeling it. Instead, feel whatever that emotion is and find it inside of your body. Where do you feel it? When you’re talking about this with me, is there a feeling in your chest, your neck, your stomach? Somewhere else?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Taking the Counselor’s cue, Amelia took another deep breath. Tears rimming her eyes as the last of her exhale left her lungs. She blinked twice to dry them before it became apparent.

Nodding at Renveer’s words, Manning closed her eyes for a moment before speaking. “Chest… I think. Pressure. If I allowed it, it would become hard to breathe.” There was a pause.

“It’s unfair, you know?” Amelia blurted out unexpectedly. “It was nothing none of them did… none of us did. And yet… I get to live and they don’t. I get to walk around the ship issuing orders, seeing the ghosts of the faces they left behind… and yet… I was spared the pain. I mean, don’t get me wrong… I’m happy I did. I’m happy the people I care about the most are very much alive and well. But many people on this ship didn’t have the same luck, you know? And why? What for? What did they do?”

Renveer blinked in mild surprise at the sudden shift, but then proceeded to listen attentively as the Commander spoke, nodding in sympathy as she expressed her guilt. He didn’t move to interrupt at any point, allowing her train of thought to follow itself to its conclusion.

Amelia cleared her throat once more, mindlessly tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “I’ve been told that I should feel happy and grateful. And I am. But when I allow myself to feel it, I feel guilty… I feel like an impostor for even being here and not them.” Manning’s eyes momentarily held the Counselor’s gaze. “I cannot imagine what they are going through. And if I try–” Her voice faltered. Closing her eyes, she shook her head, trying to keep the images fabricated by her own mind at bay. “And then… I ask myself the same questions over and over again… Why? Why us? Why the Dresden? Why were we there and not a different ship?” Amelia’s expression grew angrier as a tear rolled silently down her cheek. “Why? I need an answer to that question and I know I will never have one. I guess…” She exhaled. “I guess that’s why I’ve been trying not to think about it… Because if I do, I’ll go crazy.” Another pause. “How can anyone live not knowing?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, his brow creased slightly. “I wish I had the answers for you, I really do. But Commander Manning, I’ll recommend that you focus on your autonomy in this situation. Maybe it’s not a matter of answering that question, but instead finding a different question to ask. If you need to ask why, ask why are you here now? Why were you put here among all these hurting people?”

“To be blunt, a surgeon does not ask themselves why their patient had heart failure instead of them. The surgeon asks what they can do for the person who had heart failure. I’m not a particularly spiritual person, Commander Manning, but I believe there is a power to be gained from considering the fact that maybe you are exactly where you need to be, for one reason or another.”

The counselor looked for Manning’s gaze as he spoke. “All this is to say, they are fortunate to have you in a state where you can hold this ship together. All of them would be much worse off if you hadn’t been able to provide some sort of normalcy and steady support. But as I said earlier, if you bottle up these feelings of guilt, they might lose you as an anchor. And then where would that leave this crew? Someone needs to be okay, and frankly it seems like the best case scenario is if that person is you.”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Amelia nodded. Renveer had a point. Well, of course he had a point… that was his job.

“I’m sorry… you’re right. It’s easy to get carried away…” She gave the Counselor an apologetical smile. “It’s like there’s a constant pressure in my chest, making my heart feel small. My insides twist every time I think about it all… and I feel helpless. I guess… I guess I am still trying to figure out what’s going on inside my own mind. I’ve listened to others for so long, but this is the first time I’m the one doing the talking… I’m sorry.” At a visible loss, Amelia wasn’t sure what else she could add. Taking another deep breath, this time more resolved, Manning nodded slightly almost as if she was convincing herself of something. “I will try my best to keep the focus on me, Counselor. So, going back, what can I do to cope with the situation?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

“You have nothing to apologize for, Commander,” Renveer said with a shake of his head. “You don’t owe me any sort of reaction and you certainly don’t need to impress me. I want you to react however you feel inclined to, there is no wrong way to work through this. And it doesn’t have to be a fast process either. I’m trying to challenge some of the maladaptive cognitive thought processes that you may have built up around this situation, but emotions are often more powerful than reason, at least initially.”

Renveer felt the corners of his mouth twitch upwards at Manning’s question. “Well that’s not a question for me to answer, now is it? You certainly know yourself better than I do, especially at this point. You said that talking about it seems to be helping, so I’d encourage you to keep doing that, both with me and others. But as for other coping mechanisms, you tell me. What do you find helps you relax? What do you enjoy doing? It doesn’t have to be leisure. You mentioned that fulfilling your duties has helped the last couple months, so continue to do that. But when else do you notice that you feel more at ease?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer)

Amelia smiled softly at the Counselor’s reply. “I suppose so.” She chuckled nervously. “To be fair, keeping up with my duties on board the ship has helped putting off dealing with things instead of facing them. As far as what I do to relax… I talk to my husband during the evenings, but I have never shared the complete details with him. He’s back home in California, and there’s nothing he can do to help me. I don’t need to worry him more than he already is. Other than that, I enjoy a drink with Harris every once in a while, and I run a poker game every Tuesday evening. You’re welcome to join, if you feel like doing so.” Her lips broadened into a full smile. It was clear that she was a natural host. “I also keep up with my rowing practice in the holodeck, although on the Dresden, that’s a very lonely activity, as I haven’t found a rowing partner.” She sniffed slightly, before returning to a more neutral expression.

“Whenever I am with people, I tend to listen instead of talking… I don’t want to diminish their pain.” She paused. “I know that if I ask you how to talk instead of listening, you’re going to tell me that that’s your job.” Manning chuckled once more. “Maybe I did need a counseling session after all! Now… is sharing what happened the only way of dealing with it, or is there something to be said about waiting it out…? After all, they say that time heals every wound…”

Cmdr. Manning, XO