Posted by Commander Amelia Manning (Executive Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Counselor) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours

Posted by Commander Amelia Manning (Executive Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Renveer’s Drop-in Hours
Posted by… suppressed (7) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
Renveer allowed himself one audible sniffle as Manning finished. He pulled a small emerald-green handkerchief out of his uniform pants pocket, swiping it across his upper lip quickly. “Thank you, Commander,” Renveer began with a slight waver to his voice. Clearing his throat, the counselor collected himself and spoke again with more conviction. “Your commitment to the health of your crew is obvious, and admirable. Unaddressed trauma invariably affects the health of our personnel, and thus the health of the ship. I will make Sterling, Jung, T’Koja, Harris, and Holloway, as well as any other individuals in crisis you have identified, my top priorities. I know you will understand if some of my more routine duties need to be delayed for the moment as I expand my counseling hours.”

Stuffing the handkerchief into the crevice in the chair between the cushion and the arm before looking back up at Manning, his eyebrows tilted inwards in concern. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help sooner. Handling this task alone must have been taxing, Commander. How are you holding up?”

OOC: Just have to say, I was intimidated to respond to this post because it is one of the best posts I have had the privilege of interacting with during my year with STF. Thank you for such a wonderfully written post! Wow, it was emotional for me to read as a writer as well! Bravo.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

OOC: Oh… Thank you so much for your kind words! I don’t really know what to say! I never meant to make it intimidating to reply to, but I am really happy you enjoyed it! :) – Joana

IC:
Amelia sighed softly before giving the Counselor a light smile. “I wouldn’t say I have been handling this task alone. Not to mention… I was one of the most fortunate members of the crew… if feels wrong to expect any sort of mental health evaluation or help of any kind when many of the people throughout this ship are way worse than I am, Commander. I mean…” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath to try and settle her thoughts. “My husband is on Earth. In fact he was visiting me on board and he happened to leave a few days before that mission. It’s something I am immensely grateful for. I wouldn’t know what to do without–” Manning’s voice faltered and she shook her head. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“I managed to escape with just a few bumps and bruises… nothing our good doctor couldn’t easily fix. Many people I knew perished, but I guess that was the same as to most of the crew that lived through the experience. Mostly I am grateful that the most important people in my life are still very much in it, and I take one day at a time. I focus on my work and try to keep my mind on task instead of diverging through memories I don’t want to relieve.” For a brief moment, Amelia’s thoughts went back to her narrow escape through the Jefferies tubes. The sound of the doors to her quarters being destroyed by disruptor fire, the rummaging through her things, while she sat in silence, holding her breath, on the conduit above her room, waiting for the intruders to leave before heading to the Bridge. Later she would return to her quarters to find her belongings scattered around and most of her furniture broken. The silver lining being that they hadn’t found her stash of whiskey bottles. The blood… it was everywhere on the ship… the bodies piling up in the corridors… images that she knew would never leave her memory. She shook her head. “The truth is, Commander… I never really thought of how I am holding up until you just asked… So I am afraid I don’t really have an answer for you…”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer nodded in understanding. “It sounds like you’ve been focusing on holding the crew together, I can’t imagine that’s left you with much time for reflection on your own experiences during and in the aftermath of that tragedy.”

Amelia smiled slightly. “I guess that’s one way of coping with it.” She said lightheartedly, but even though she had disguised it as a possible joke, it wasn’t at all far from the truth.

The counselor paused, then continued gently. “I know you came here today to discuss the well-being of other members of the crew. I don’t mean to push you into a conversation that you’re not emotionally prepared to have right now.” Renveer shifted slightly in his chair. “But it seems like this crew is asking for you to be a secure anchor for them, and I wouldn’t want you taking on more than you should if you’re in distress.”

Emotional preparedness was the least of Amelia’s concerns. What caught her off guard was not the prospect of the conversation, but rather the fact that she hadn’t even considered that she too might need emotional support. The idea hadn’t even graced her mind, and the fact that the counselor had been thoughtful enough to ask was something she was incredibly grateful for. Even though that was exactly what a good counselor would do.

“Have you been feeling anxious? Having unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, or general feelings of dread or fear? Have you noticed any changes in your overall mood?” The counselor listed off the symptoms of PTSD with genuine concern, but was very much aware that Manning probably knew what he was getting at. He had tried to soften the blow as much as he could, but he braced himself for a defensive answer nonetheless.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Manning smiled softly before shaking her head. “No… I mean… Anxious maybe…” For the first time she was realizing that maybe it had been a constant feeling of anxiety that had made her dive into work the way she had. “But not the others. I…” Her smile broadened a little. “I know you wouldn’t be doing your job if you didn’t asked, but I don’t think PTSD is the problem. To be honest, every night I sleep peacefully knowing that the most important person in my life is safe and sound, that they were not involved in it, and that they were in no way affected by the incident. The same cannot be said for many other members of the crew.”

Renveer nodded graciously, acknowledging Manning’s candor about both her understanding of his intentions and her true feelings related to his questions. Still, the executive officer’s focus on others gave him pause. She spoke of her husband’s well-being, the status of the crew… rather than herself. Manning was obviously a selfless person who cared deeply for others, but people of that disposition often had a habit of discounting what they needed, both from themselves and others. Renveer knew the tendency well, from personal experience.

Pausing for a moment, Manning continued. Renveer would find that Amelia was very open about her mental health and not at all defensive about it. She understood that for a counselor to do their job, they needed to know everything in their patient’s mind, and she didn’t seem to be afraid to share it. “As I said… I haven’t even thought about the possibility of me needing psychological support, although I think after what we went through we all need it. I would say I feel more of a…” she stopped to think about what words to use. “… a general sense of uneasiness. Fear of it happening again, and fear of not being able to shield the crew from it. If that makes any sense…” Amelia shook her head slightly. “Peter says I’m being too hard on myself but…” She sighed once again. “I see the broken gazes in my friends’ faces, and I can’t help but to feel responsible for it… I mean… if each crew member was a cog in an engine, the Captain’s job is to use those cogs to a greater end. My job is to make sure that the cogs are well and ready to work. And right…” She sighed. “Right now it feels like I failed it, and I am desperately trying to fix it, but I know I can’t.”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

“Forgive me for correcting you, Commander,” Renveer responded firmly, “but your job is to make sure that the cogs work well together. The counselor’s job is to identify individual cogs that may have a chip in them that is keeping them from being the best cog that they can be.” He paused and frowned at the ceiling as he considered how ridiculous he had just sounded. “What I mean to say,” he continued, “is that you have been doing two jobs. One of which, to be frank, you haven’t been specifically trained for. Of course you’re feeling overwhelmed.”

It was impossible for Amelia to contain the chuckle that escaped her lips. But the joyfully amused expression that crossed her features quickly faded as the Counselor continued. He was right. And Manning wondered how much of that burden she had undertaken in order to avoid dealing with her own feelings. The excuse she had given herself ran so deep that even now she was having difficulty accepting the reality of the situation.

Renveer’s voice was firm, but not scolding. He was confident in his interpretation of the situation, attempting to challenge some of Manning’s thoughts about her performance thus far, which had obviously, from an outside perspective, been exemplary. “You’ve held this crew together despite immense loss. You’ve taken care to identify those that are at the greatest risk or most distress. And you’ve immediately brought your concerns to the counselor as soon as he came aboard. You’ve done everything you should and more, Commander.”

Manning’s gaze fell momentarily on the PaDDs still in her lap. She didn’t know what to do with them, or with her hands, or even where to look. It was clear that she was processing what the Commander was telling her, but acceptance would come on its own time.

The counselor’s face and voice softened a bit. “As for your fear of it happening again… Commander Manning, I don’t mean to alarm you. But that is, of course, a perfectly reasonable fear. Attempting to deny or belittle that feeling will only serve to make it more insidious. We are in a dangerous profession, and command staff inevitably take responsibility for the safety of their crews. If you were not worried about the well-being of those around you, I would be concerned. As long as that fear is not debilitating, it is a healthy fear to have.” Renveer watched Manning closely, hoping to see if his perspective was resonating with her. There was always the possibility that he could make things worse, and given that this was their first session and they were discussing an intense topic, he was wary of doing more harm than good.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

There was a long silence as Amelia made sense of the information she was being told. As the gears slowly shifted in her mind. Finally, after a moment of introspection, Manning looked back up at the Counselor.

“Well… that is at least reassuring.” Amelia smiled softly. “Only…” She was clearly having trouble wording her thoughts. “I can’t… How can I stop worrying about others and worry about myself? It’s not like I have nightmares, or spend long periods of time mulling on what happened… reliving the past serves no purpose in this situation…” A more worried expression settled in her eyes. “If you ask me right now how I am feeling about it… I have nothing to say… I feel… nothing. Sometimes it’s almost as if my mind built a wall around that cluster of emotions to keep them contained and I am too scared to check what’s inside, because… because if I drown under that weight… who will be there for the ones that need help?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

“Me,” Renveer stated flatly. He paused for a second. “I’m not asking you to stop worrying about others, Commander. I’m asking you to worry about others and yourself. Just as you check in on the other members of this crew, you need to take time to check in with yourself too. There is no way to triage trauma. There is no way to decide who ‘has it worse’. Unlike most medical injuries, the extent of the damage inflicted by mental pain is not fully known until long after the wound is inflicted. Those in the most pain initially tend to have to confront that pain immediately, or risk succumbing to it. They find ways to cope and hopefully reach out to support systems. But those who feel as if their feelings are inconsequential… they push them down, and allow them to fester until the wound becomes infected in the long term.” Renveer spoke confidently, earnestly. Making his case for why Manning shouldn’t feel guilty for caring for herself despite the plights of the crew around her.

The moment the single word left the Counselor’s lips, Amelia knew how stupid her question had been. He was right, of course, but the explanation he followed it with made even more sense in Manning’s mind. She had never seen it that way… she had never even though of comparing trauma to a more physically visible injury… mostly because the invisibility of mental health had always made it seem like something secondary, even though she knew it was not. For a moment, Amelia felt ashamed that she had let herself believe in such a thing, especially when she had made a point to try to make sure the rest of the crew was getting the support they needed.

The counselor leaned back slightly in his chair. “You won’t drown, Commander. I’m here to toss you a life preserver. Together, we can face whatever is behind that wall. I think you’ll find that the weight you feel is from the wall, not what’s behind it.” His eyebrows were upturned in kindness.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

There was something in the Counselor’s words. Something reassuring, something that made it look like it was all going to be okay. Amelia figured Renveer was simply doing his job, and he was clearly good at what he did. He had mentioned tossing her a life preserver, and at the moment, it felt like he had done just that.

Fighting back tears, Manning allowed herself to take a deep breath. It was almost as if she could feel the worry and apprehension she had been feeling for weeks leaving her body. For the first time in a long time, she felt relieved. “Thank you…” Her voice trembled slightly and Amelia cleared her throat before continuing. “Thank you, Counselor… I think I needed to hear that.” She gave Renveer a weak smile. “Maybe you’re right…” Her mind was desperately processing what she had just been told. “Which now begs the question… how do I go about throwing down that wall and dealing with what’s behind it?”

As the Executive Officer of the ship, it was clear that Manning was trying to keep it together. But it was also clear that the moment the Counselor had offered to help her, everything that she had kept under the surface was finally threatening to come out.

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer again felt a pang in his chest, a natural sympathy for the officer in front of him who had been through so much. As a counselor, Renveer often found himself battling anger. Anger at the galaxy for being so cruel to good people. He quelled that bubble of emotion for now, tucking it away for the punching bag later.

Renveer took a deep breath in and out, providing a model for the behavior without explicitly instructing Manning to do it, inviting her to join him wordlessly. “You said that you feel nothing. I think you feel something, you just might not know what to name it. Emotions are nuanced things, with so many different words for complicated sensations and even then often times those descriptors aren’t adequate. So don’t worry about labeling it. Instead, feel whatever that emotion is and find it inside of your body. Where do you feel it? When you’re talking about this with me, is there a feeling in your chest, your neck, your stomach? Somewhere else?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Taking the Counselor’s cue, Amelia took another deep breath. Tears rimming her eyes as the last of her exhale left her lungs. She blinked twice to dry them before it became apparent.

Nodding at Renveer’s words, Manning closed her eyes for a moment before speaking. “Chest… I think. Pressure. If I allowed it, it would become hard to breathe.” There was a pause.

“It’s unfair, you know?” Amelia blurted out unexpectedly. “It was nothing none of them did… none of us did. And yet… I get to live and they don’t. I get to walk around the ship issuing orders, seeing the ghosts of the faces they left behind… and yet… I was spared the pain. I mean, don’t get me wrong… I’m happy I did. I’m happy the people I care about the most are very much alive and well. But many people on this ship didn’t have the same luck, you know? And why? What for? What did they do?”

Renveer blinked in mild surprise at the sudden shift, but then proceeded to listen attentively as the Commander spoke, nodding in sympathy as she expressed her guilt. He didn’t move to interrupt at any point, allowing her train of thought to follow itself to its conclusion.

Amelia cleared her throat once more, mindlessly tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “I’ve been told that I should feel happy and grateful. And I am. But when I allow myself to feel it, I feel guilty… I feel like an impostor for even being here and not them.” Manning’s eyes momentarily held the Counselor’s gaze. “I cannot imagine what they are going through. And if I try–” Her voice faltered. Closing her eyes, she shook her head, trying to keep the images fabricated by her own mind at bay. “And then… I ask myself the same questions over and over again… Why? Why us? Why the Dresden? Why were we there and not a different ship?” Amelia’s expression grew angrier as a tear rolled silently down her cheek. “Why? I need an answer to that question and I know I will never have one. I guess…” She exhaled. “I guess that’s why I’ve been trying not to think about it… Because if I do, I’ll go crazy.” Another pause. “How can anyone live not knowing?”

Cmdr. Manning, XO

Renveer closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, his brow creased slightly. “I wish I had the answers for you, I really do. But Commander Manning, I’ll recommend that you focus on your autonomy in this situation. Maybe it’s not a matter of answering that question, but instead finding a different question to ask. If you need to ask why, ask why are you here now? Why were you put here among all these hurting people?”

“To be blunt, a surgeon does not ask themselves why their patient had heart failure instead of them. The surgeon asks what they can do for the person who had heart failure. I’m not a particularly spiritual person, Commander Manning, but I believe there is a power to be gained from considering the fact that maybe you are exactly where you need to be, for one reason or another.”

The counselor looked for Manning’s gaze as he spoke. “All this is to say, they are fortunate to have you in a state where you can hold this ship together. All of them would be much worse off if you hadn’t been able to provide some sort of normalcy and steady support. But as I said earlier, if you bottle up these feelings of guilt, they might lose you as an anchor. And then where would that leave this crew? Someone needs to be okay, and frankly it seems like the best case scenario is if that person is you.”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)