Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Executive Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Renveer (Executive Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval

Posted by Captain Molly Holloway (Commanding Officer) in Counselor’s Office: Holloway’s Long Overdue Eval
Posted by… suppressed (16) by the Post Ghost! 👻
(snip)
For all of Molly’s disdain for emotions, Renveer noted that she was awfully good at naming them, better than most people in therapy. Relieved, scared, conflicted. Perhaps her father’s preoccupation with emotions had the opposite effect that he intended, Renveer thought to himself. Maybe Molly had learned from an early age to constantly be aware of and in tune with her emotions, even too aware or in tune. Unfortunately, Renveer had to admit that as Molly said, this was not a particularly helpful trait for an intelligence officer.

From an early age, Molly had never been the best at empathizing. She was cold and collected for the most part, not really caring for what herself or others felt. She had always had trouble communicating her feelings or understanding the feelings of others. And sometimes even her own. And then, Intelligence had came in, demanding her to be able to read other people – something that Molly never had been able to do. Determined to be the best she could be, she had studied Intel supplied material on emotion recognition and manipulation, over countless nights. She knew the textbook cover to cover, and she knew enough to do her job. But she knew the theory, nothing else.

The counselor took a long breath in and held it for a second before he spoke, with perhaps a bit of regret seeping into his voice. “Unfortunately, the results of counseling aren’t quick to manifest. In all likelihood, you’re right Molly. When you leave here, very little will have changed. But, something will have changed. No matter how small the difference, even if it is imperceptible to you, you have made progress. And there is power in knowing that there is something you can do, and that you are doing it. Feeling like nothing has changed after our first meeting is totally normal. In fact, it’s preferable. Most people leave their first counseling session with a new therapist feeling worse than they did entering it. Problems are often identified without the proper time needed to address them, and our instincts are to jump to solution-based thinking, when really what we may need at first is just a listening ear so that we can talk through what the problem that we’re trying to solve is exactly.” He paused, stopping his tangent. “So, feeling like nothing has changed or even feeling like things are worse is, unfortunately, normal. But I promise that if you let us continue to work together, that will change over time. Things will get better.”

Nodding in understanding, Molly reached for the offered box of tissues, taking two and drying her eyes. For someone that had visited so many counselors during her lifetime, it was astounding how little she knew about actual therapy. Not to mention, that this was probably the first time in her life she had actively sought it, or at least accepted it.

Renveer folded his hands in his lap, his brow furrowing and causing his trill markings to crumple slightly along his forehead. “I don’t work for Intelligence. In fact, I’ve actively avoided becoming involved with that aspect of Starfleet. To be frank, Molly, I don’t care about Intelligence or even what tasks they assign you while you’re onboard the Dresden. I care about you, as a person. Yes, you have a duty to Starfleet and yadda yadda. But you have a duty to yourself first.” His tone had grown slightly agitated, passionate. “You had one year of training to be an intelligence officer before you experienced a lifetime’s worth of pain. It’s not fair to you to expect yourself to be prepared for that. It’s not right for Starfleet to expect you to be prepared for that. My personal belief is that no one can ever be prepared for what you went through, and any ‘training’ to the contrary is an attempt to sweep emotional damage related to military service under the rug, sacrificing the well-being of patriotic personnel for political posturings that are often driven by impure motives. Yes, you have emotions. You are human. Feeling is not and never will be optional. For Intelligence to pretend otherwise creates a dishonest and damaging standard that you can’t possibly live up to. I challenge you, Molly, to be a full person. Don’t let Intelligence, or your father, take that away from you going forward.” Renveer sighed through his nose as he settled, regaining his composure and hoping against hope that he had not ruined whatever rapport he and Molly had established.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

It took a moment for Molly to process the Counselor’s words, and somehow they made her feel like she had been ran over by a truck. He was right, and deep down Molly knew it, even if she didn’t want to believe him. Intelligence had been a clever excuse to hide how lost she had felt over the past four years. A clever excuse to avoid dealing with her own emotional breakdown. She had had a life… and a future. And in the blink of an eye everything had been taken away from her. Her ship, her fiancé, her plans. And since then nothing had been the same.

“My father died nineteen years ago, Commander.” Molly finally allowed herself to say. “I found out about it last year.” She shrugged. “I took my sister and ran away from home when I was ten so… I hadn’t seen him for the last twenty years.” She paused before continuing. “Please, don’t think I’m sad about it. I’m not.” The statement was only partially true.

“I’ve spent many sleepless nights trying to analyze why I am the way I am… and I always come to the same conclusion. That what he did to me growing up shaped who I am in life. There doesn’t seem to be a way for me to disassociate myself from him. You… if you read my files… it must be in them… he used to drink… too much… it was just us and him. And uh… he used to get angry… at us… at me, most of the time. My sister was too young to do anything anyway…” The words were staggered. It was clearly a subject Molly was still embarrassed to talk about. “I swore I wouldn’t be like him… but the truth is… even though he’s gone and me and Erin had a loving home with an amazing adoptive father that did everything he could to make us thrive… it’s like I am still trying to impress him. Maybe if I’m as tough as he wanted me to be, maybe he’ll… love me?” For a moment, Molly seemed speechless. “I know this is crazy… maybe it doesn’t make any sense at all… but…” She took another tissue and used it to dry her eyes and her nose once more. “Can I change that? Is there a book on how to be human?” Molly chuckled slightly. “Or… how to be a Trill for that matter? How can I… embrace being human after a lifetime of repressing what I’m feeling?”

Shaking her head, Holloway finally admitted what she didn’t want to admit for a long time. “I think I want to change my answer to your question about my current feelings, Commander.” She said hesitantly. “Yes, I feel relieved, and scared, and conflicted… but most of all… I feel lost.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer shook his head in understanding. “Feelings don’t have to make sense, but in this case they do. Sometimes when you’re lost, all you can do is pick a direction and start walking. Maybe you will discover landmarks along the way that will help orient you. You’ve already taken those first steps by confronting the trauma you experienced as a Starfleet officer. Perhaps you could try a similar exercise to interact with the trauma from your childhood. I read how your mother died in childbirth when you were very young. I wonder how you would explain all that you’ve accomplished to her, given the chance today. How would you tell her about all the good things in your life, all that you’ve achieved, all that you’ve become? How would you identify those things, the things that would make your mother proud or happy for you?” It wasn’t as much a challenge as it was a genuine question. Renveer wanted to get Molly to think about herself in a positive light before bringing her father’s opinion back into the mix. Hopefully, by asking her to think about speaking with her mother, Molly might be inclined to be more charitable with her own self-perception.

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

Molly’s lips opened in a small smile, but behind her eyes there was an immense sadness. It was clear that her mother’s death was something that had impacted her deeply. She had been six at the time, and and the only thing she could solidly remember about her mother was how kind she was. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t wish for her to have lived, and Molly felt guilty about it, because sometimes she found her mind wondering what would have happened if her sister hadn’t been born.

Shaking her head to dismiss her thoughts, Molly glanced back up to the Counselor. “There’s not much to tell really… what have I accomplished? Starfleet? I mean… it’s not that big of an accomplishment when you think about it. I got into the Academy, took classes, passed said classes, moved up in the ranks as everyone else does if they wait long enough, got to Captain and was removed after a year. Shortest stint ever.” Molly gave a sardonic chuckle. “And well… I don’t think she would be very proud to know that her daughter is an Intelligence officer.” She shrugged. “The only thing I would like to tell her is that Erin grew up to be alright. Despite everything… she just got a job at the Federation Science Council and I couldn’t be prouder of her. And I know mom would too. After all, she died so that my sister could live. My job is to make sure that she didn’t die in vain. Everything else is just something to pass the time.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer paused for a moment to consider Molly’s words. “Supporting Erin throughout her journey is no small feat, and one you should be proud of. But, I don’t believe that you exist just to be a supporting character in someone else’s story. I’m hearing that you feel as if you have these debts from your childhood, to your mother, to your father, and maybe even to Erin, and that you’ve spent a good amount of time and effort doing what you can to repay those debts. To make sure your mother didn’t die in vain, to be tough like how your father expected you to be, to help Erin achieve lasting success and happiness.” He spoke carefully, as if his train of thought was developing as he spoke.

“What would life be like for you, Molly, if all these debts were dissolved?” Renveer’s eyes trained on hers, inquisitive but calm. “What would happen if each of these people came to you in turn and said ‘you’ve done enough’ and set you free to do what you wanted and needed to do for the debt you owe to yourself?”

(Lt. Comm. Renveer, Counselor)

At the Counselor’s last words, Molly wanted to cry. She didn’t know why, but the idea brought her joy. More than she had fathomed it would.

But as quickly as it came, it disappeared, as Molly’s brain rejected the idea. Well it’s not like they can do that, is it? was the first thought barging into her mind, followed immediately by But if they did, they would be lying. However, none of those thoughts made it out into the world, as Holloway knew they were not the direction the Counselor wanted her to go. Instead, she shook her head slightly to clear her mind and pondered silently for a moment.

She had never thought of herself as being in debt to either her parents or her sister, but now that Renveer mentioned it, his words made perfect sense to her. The truth was, even if she hadn’t realized it, she had built her life’s meaning over that sense of debt. The scenario that she had been confronted with felt liberating, but at the same time confusing to navigate. The problem of building one’s whole life on something was that if that something was taken away, there was no meaning left. And suddenly, Molly found herself wondering what her purpose would be if her mother, her father, and her sister were taken out of the equation — if the burden she carried every day was gone. What were her likes and dislikes? What were her personal aspirations? What would she want to do with her life? For a moment she wondered if that was how people felt when they were released from prison.

“I don’t know…” The words left Molly’s lips in a whisper, as she pondered. Her gaze never met the Counselor’s. Instead her eyes were fixated on the floor, but her gaze was somewhere infinitely far away. “I would probably focus on my own relationship…” It was the first time she mentioned it, and the words felt as if they were mindlessly mentioned. She realized now how unfair her own life was to Cal. “Maybe go back to Earth… do some volunteering work at my mom’s library… or at the farmer’s market where I used to work back in San Francisco… I know my uncle wants me to take over his company someday so maybe I could dab here and there…” Molly smiled softly. “Sit down under a tree with a good book and enjoy the sunset.”

But then, shaking her head, her gaze fell back on the Counselor. “It’s not like that’s ever going to happen though, so…” She shrugged. “Whatever their opinion of me is, it will be forever gone. It’s not really worth dwelling on it, is it?”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

OOC: I hate snipping this amazing thread ;_;

Renveer didn’t say anything for a moment, letting that question hang in the air and creating space for Molly to think about all that she had just shared. “Maybe it’s those things that are really important to you, rather than these other things that you’re doing because you believe that they are important to someone else or how someone else sees you.” Renveer paused before continuing. “I’m not in the habit of giving advice, Molly. But I heard a couple of opportunities that I’d like to lightly suggest. Maybe the next time you use the holodeck, sit under that tree and read that book. Queue up a simulation of a farmer’s market. I know it’s not the same, but maybe you’ll find that the feelings you’ve been fighting back with physical exertion are really best addressed by emotionally healing activities.”

Molly smiled softly at the Counselor’s suggestions. But her smile wasn’t happy. Rather, it was the sad smile one makes when they know what they are being told something that isn’t possible but that they wished it was.

The hint of a smile graced Renveer’s lips for a little as his tone turned fond. “And for the record, there are many ways you could volunteer at your mom’s library even while you are serving. You could read books to the children over a screen call. You could answer questions that the kids might have about Starfleet and space. How would it feel to reach out and ask the library if there’s a way like that where you could get involved?”

(Lt. Cmrd. Hilo, Counselor)

At his words, Holloway’s face lit up with a genuine smile. “I… I never thought of that before…” Molly’s stern personality didn’t allow her to smile often, but when she did, it was with the innocent light of a child on Christmas morning. It was a facet of the Intelligence officer that not many had the fortune to meet.

“I would really love to do that.” The joy in her expression was clear. “I’m sure I could find a way to arrange it.” The smile faded away slightly as a thought materialized in her mind. “I think… I…” At a sudden loss for words, Molly sighed. Her shoulders slumping slightly forward as she did. For a moment she looked back at her feet and then raised her gaze to meet the Counselor’s. “You might have read this on my file, but my parents didn’t have a lot of money. My mom was a waitress and my dad was a subway conductor. But despite all that happened… all that—“ She swallowed hard before continuing. “All that he did to me… I was lucky. Me and my sister were adopted by someone that loved us and that could provide us with a comfortable life and with opportunities I couldn’t even imagine when I was younger. Like me there are kids out there that don’t have those opportunities… whether because they don’t have the money, or they don’t have the background. I… I want to change that. After my sister finished college and I got it through my head that she is a grown adult, I feel like it is time to help others. But… even if I do what you suggested… how can pretend Starfleet is so great when all I can think is about what happened on our last mission? How can I forget about it? You said feeling won’t ever be an option because I’m human… but… how do I deal with them?”

The last was the one million credits question that revealed Molly’s true handicap. Emotions. She had mentioned them before, several times, and the truth was, all she knew was how to repress them. “I’ve been called ‘cold blooded’, ’the ice queen’, and other interesting names throughout my life. I don’t know I would be a good fit to teach kids about space, would I? Is there a way of feigning them? Of… of pretending to be some sort of normal?”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

OOC: Sorry it took me so long to write this reply! I absolutely loved your post! I ended up writing three different replies and was not happy with any of them… — Joana

OOC: Well shucks, thank you! Your posts are always stellar, of course. Also, excited to see how Molly progresses as a captain again! Sounds like that might be good for her! (Also compulsory disclaimer that I am not a therapist IRL but hey might as well put that psychology degree to work a little)

Renveer shook his head, supressing the smallest of smiles. “You are normal, Molly.” He motioned with one hand to her and then back to himself. “During this conversation, I have witnessed you have completely reasonable, expected emotions about a variety of things. You’ve spoke of love, pain, confusion, distress, turmoil, hope, doubt, fear, among others.”

The counselor paused, considering how he should state his next thought. “Forgive me for being so bold, Molly, but I wonder this: perhaps in the past during a time in which you were processing an overload of emotions that led to you using repression as a defense mechanism, you were told that you were unfeeling or ‘cold blooded’. You may have integrated this view into your self-concept, to justify your response to trauma within your own psyche. I’m not convinced that being unfeeling is consistent with your sense of self, evidenced by your continued inquiries into how to stop being that way. But an incongruence has been created within you, where you convince yourself and maybe others that you are numb to emotion, when really you are feeling them just as strongly, if not more strongly, than others. But to allow yourself to admit that you are not an ‘ice queen’ would threaten the image of yourself that you have built up for some time, which is understandably extremely anxiety-producing.”

“In psychology, this is sometimes called ‘reaction formation’,” Renveer said with air quotes. “Basically, the idea is that you might be subconsciously reacting in a way that is counter to your actual desires because you believe the opposite action is more socially acceptable. You were taught by your father that to be emotionless was acceptable and to be emotional was not. This blunted affect was reinforced when your peers labeled you as such, and then you attempted to create a self-image around that label, rather than be threatened by it. And undoubtedly, this habit was actively encouraged during your time with Starfleet Intelligence. As a result, I think you have managed to convince even yourself that you can’t feel, when your interactions with me during this session have clearly shown that you can and do, strongly.”

Taking a breath, Renveer moved to conclude. “All this is to say, children don’t have expectations of what emotions are ‘socially acceptable’. They just feel what they feel when they feel it. They don’t hold anything back. They bring with them their joy and wonder and silliness and naughtiness and they let themselves feel it, and others feel it too. So maybe they are a perfect group of people for you to interact with to help you let go of that restriction that you have placed within yourself.”

(Lt. Cmdr. Renveer, Counselor)

OOC: Wow! You’re good. Me next! Do me next! <BG> Just kidding. Great thread you two!

-Harley

Molly smiled at the counselor’s last words as she thought back to the time when her and her sister had ran away. Or moved, as Molly liked to put it. Their adoptive father had allowed Erin to be carefree and happy and Molly didn’t always understand why. Sometimes she would even resent her for having that opportunity while she had never had it. But as she grew up she had learnt to accept it, and rejoice in the fact that at least one of them had had the semblance of a normal childhood.

Usually, she would try not to fall asleep when a more scientific explanation was provided to her, but this time, Holloway had seemed to drink Renveer’s description of the psychological phenomenon. “Maybe you’re right.” She finally conceded. “And I guess there’s no better way than trying…” She paused for a moment, pondering, before finally asking. “What about the exposure therapy? What are the next steps? Do you think helping at the library help me deal with it? Will…” Molly chuckled softly. “Will I be able to sleep again? Because right now that has been a problem…”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer’s lips pressed upwards in a small smile. “I don’t aim to be right, just to provide another perspective that hopefully invites further self-reflection on your part. You are always welcome to take what you find valuable from what I say and leave the rest.”

Molly smiled. She truly appreciated the Counselor’s words and how much in control of her own actions and choices he made her feel. Most of her past experiences with counseling hadn’t been that way, but Renveer made the sessions truly feel easy and liberating.

“The next step,” Renveer continued with a shift, “is to commit to continued work of this sort. I can’t promise that the process will be quick or that tangible results will present themselves immediately. But yes, I do think that continuing the exposure therapy and finding healthy emotional outlets such as helping the library are essential to facilitating change from your status quo. As far as sleeping goes, I could refer you to medical if you would like to try a sleep aid in the meantime. Otherwise, I think that too will be something that improves with time and effort.”

(Lt. Cmdr. Renveer, Counselor)

Molly nodded. ‘Healthy emotional outlets’, the Counselor had called them, but Holloway wondered how easy it would be for her to get out of the habit of using her Holodeck program for that same purpose. The prospect of helping at the library had really resonated with her, so maybe it would be easier than she expected. “So… what is going to happen from now on?” She finally asked. “What will our meetings be and what arrangement should we make? I mean…” Holloway seemed hesitant for a moment. “I am assuming we will be meeting regularly?” Even though she had walked into the meeting slightly against her own will, she didn’t seem to be opposed to the idea at the present time.

“As far as sleeping aids go…” Molly continued. “What would you recommend? I’ve always been a little skeptical of medication but… I need to do my job… so it doesn’t feel like I have a choice… but on the other hand…” She shrugged and paused for a moment. “… wouldn’t it be a little humiliating?”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

“I’d like to meet with you weekly,” Renveer said evenly. “Given that you’re experiencing physiological side effects such as insomnia, it might even be better to meet more than that until you’re in a better place. But I understand you have a busy schedule as well. We can continue the exposure therapy and keep talk things through. As we progress, I’ll give you exercises you can do outside of our sessions, including recording your recounting of events during exposure therapy for you to listen back to on your own time.”

Molly nodded, taking a deep shaky breath as the Counselor continued. The idea of recording herself speaking about what had happened made her feel extremely uncomfortable. Also, why would she ever want to listen to her own recordings of the events?

Renveer looked up in thought. “As for medication, I’m only suggesting a light sedative. Hopefully you’re not at the point where you need a tranquilizer.” A joke, but his gaze flickered back to Molly’s face to see her reaction, in case she thought she really did need something stronger. Renveer shrugged slightly. “Sleep aids are a rather common prescription, and I don’t think Lieutenant Janvier would bat an eye at such a request. And again, the goal wouldn’t be for you to rely on them long-term. Just in the meantime while we pursue an alternative solution.”

(Lt. Cmdr. Renveer, Counselor)

Holloway nodded again in acknowledgement. But even though the corners of her lips flickered slightly upwards at the mention of the tranquilizer, she now seemed quite more nervous than she had been a few moments before. “Maybe a sedative would be a good idea then.” She said, trying to keep her tone level, but her already pale complexion growing paler gave her uneasiness away. Molly inhaled deeply again before continuing. “If you don’t mind me asking… what purpose would recording myself retelling the events serve? And…” She was visibly struggling for words. “… why would I listen to them? Would it even be a good idea for me to do it alone?” That was probably what scared her the most. Living inside her brain was hard, with the images coming back into view time and time again. Recounting the events to the Counselor hadn’t been easy, but even though they were only sharing the same room, it almost felt like he was actively guiding her by the hand. Somehow, the prospect of doing the same alone was paralyzing… almost as if she felt that while her thoughts remained in her mind they were contained, but putting them out in the world would make them real. Even worse, recording them would make them never be forgotten.

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Picking up on the cues, Renveer nodded in understanding. “I apologize, I didn’t mean to alarm you. We’ll only transition to that stage when you’re ready, likely several sessions from now. Next time, I’ll teach you a breathing technique for you to use during the recounting of events and we’ll do more work on understanding your stress level during that process.”

With another nervous deep breath, Molly nodded in understanding.

The counselor paused. “The reason it’s called prolonged exposure therapy is because the idea is that we will help you gradually approach your trauma-related memories, in such a way as to make them feel less dangerous and show you that they don’t need to be avoided entirely. Any recording you made would of course be yours alone to hear, and to use as a way to continue to confront that memory once we have reached a place where you feel comfortable enough to do so on your own. Voluntarily exposing yourself to those memories and the emotions associated with them, especially when you’re alone, could give you a sense of power over those thoughts that you might be missing right now. We want to take the thoughts that are intruding into your everyday life and give your mind a way to acknowledge those thoughts on its own terms, when you decide to process them and are prepared to, so that you don’t find yourself thrust into that process at a time where you’d rather be focusing on something else. Like sleeping.”

Renveer gave an apologetic smile. “Did I explain that well? You are always welcome to express your concerns with any technique we might try, and some of them will inevitably be uncomfortable. But you are by no means required to do anything before you feel ready to. And for the record, if we do get to the point where you are exploring these memories on your own, I am always on call and my quarters are only a deck below yours. You’re welcome to call me or stop by any time.” He said that earnestly and genuinely.

(Lt. Cmdr. Renveer, Counselor)

A grateful smile spread on Molly’s lips. “Yes. Very well.” She said with yet another nod. “Thank you.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “This…” She hesitated for a second. “This really means a lot.” For the first time in a long time Holloway felt like someone was genuinely trying to help her. “I know you are doing nothing but your job but…” Molly shook her head not knowing what to say. “… I’m sorry. I don’t know where I was going with it…” She gave the Counselor an apologetic smile, but it was truly apparent that she felt somehow relieved.

Renveer gave a small smile of understanding. He gave a humble inclination of his head, acknowledging her words.

And then a thought intruded itself into Holloway’s mind, as just intrusive thoughts seem to be able to. “Maybe this is a stupid question but… you mentioned that it was not required for me to do anything if I wasn’t ready… Has there been any instance in which someone was never ready to face something they lived through? There are times when it is hard to believe that that moment will ever come.”

Capt. Holloway, CIO

Renveer blinked a couple times as he looked up and away, considering. “My job is to give you the tools you need to feel ready. So, if I do my job correctly, that shouldn’t be an issue.” He looked back at Molly with a small tilt of his head. “Those that are never ready simply don’t want to be ready. They actively resist or avoid taking the steps necessary to feel prepared.” He stopped, considering that he sounded a bit harsh. “Some people are content to cope with their trauma in ways that I wouldn’t recommend. Ultimately, I can’t force anyone to feel ready. Therapy requires a willing participant to accomplish anything. It sounds like you are willing to at least try some new approaches to processing the events from the past that are troubling you. It may take time, but if you keep that open mind, I will do my part to help you feel prepared.”

(Lt. Cmdr. Renveer, Counselor)

Molly nodded. “I just really want it to go away, that’s all… I used to reject whatever counselors used to tell me.” Holloway chuckled. “I still do from time to time. You’ll find that I can be quite stubborn, I’m afraid. But that never really got me anywhere. Maybe I’ve grown.” She shrugged. The truth was, Molly felt way more relaxed than she had when she had first walked in, and she was sure Renveer would be able to notice it in her body language. There was something about the space and the way he conveyed information that made her implicitly trust him. Much like Lai, many moons ago, even though he wasn’t a counselor, but rather the Monty’s Chief Medical Officer. For a moment she allowed her mind to wonder what the similarities between the two might be.

Bringing herself back to the present, Molly took a deep breath before speaking again. “Well… I guess… is there anything we should be doing today?”

Capt. Holloway, CIO