Posted by Lieutenant Lauren Shan (Doctor) in Flashback - Four Months after the USS Chimera
Original Post https://www.star-fleet.com/core/stf3/atlantis/notes/4304/
https://www.star-fleet.com/core/stf3/atlantis/notes/55456/ Three months after leaving the Chimera

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Lounge on Starbase Halcyon
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The music and the lights were low: just enough so that one could see where they were going and when a lull in the conversation occurred someone would notice the background tempos. The smell of aged leather plus an exotic array of colognes, body odors, and smoke filled the air creating a scent that could not be replicated anywhere but another lounge in a far corner of the galaxy. The seat she occupied was well worn, perhaps by her own body perhaps by another lonely soul. Any respectable establishment had been shut down hours ago. Even the seedy and bars of ill repute needed to close their doors for a period of time to count their profits and replenish their stocks. Luckily Lauren was not in a respectable or seedy bar. She was seated safe and sound in the lounge on Starbase Halcyon. Here the doors never closed and the booze always flowed regardless of the hour. During normal hours the joint was brimming with species from all over the Federation. Some were officers and enlisted members of Starfleet there to blow off steam or wait for their next shuttle during a routine transfer. Others were business professionals ferrying back and forth to OED V. The majority of the patrons were all nameless, faceless people in a crowd. This is what drew Lauren here the most. The likelihood that anyone would recognize her among the masses was negligible. The only people here that could call her a regular was the wait staff. Those people knew to leave the bottle on the bar along with a single glass the second she sat down at the end of the bar. Lauren never shortchanged the bill somehow knowing exactly how much she imbibed from her stool during the hours she spent staring out the large observation window. A clink of the bottle against the glass seemed deafening as Lauren poured herself another measure of the clear liquid. She had been doing this action long enough, Lauren poured on muscle memory never looking at the glass and never spilling a drop. Tonight her focus was on the PaDD which contained all the information she had requested.

People often spoke of how much things cost. Generally, this was in terms of credits but Lauren had learned at a very young age the price you paid for things could surpass any amount of latinum. At times things cost your soul or your morality or a combination of both. What Lauren was reading now cost all three. Her first cost was pure credits. It was physically expensive to pay the less scrupulous members of Starfleet’s varied personnel departments to gain her the information she sought. Starfleet prided themselves on honor, integrity, and morals. A recruitment poster outside the lounge showed an idealized image of a person donning an immaculate uniform with the promise of living a life based on these principles if you signed on the dotted line. The reality was Starfleet was filled with people that rivaled the most corrupt Orion pirate if you knew where to look. These people were not hiding in a darkened alley but in plain sight often behind a desk in a brightly lit office. They did not use false names but common ones like Ensign Frank Tyler or Lieutenant Sally Mills. They did not greet you with a snarl or a face covered in scars. Often they could be described as a neighbor next door with a friendly smile who was willing to help you out whenever it was needed. By now Lauren could pick out these marks as easily as she could spot a pickpocket on the street.

Throwing back a slug of the clear liquid she auto-piloted her was pouring another. Her attention was focused so intently on the PaDD Lauren would never see a someone approaching her small spot in the universe. Holding the liquid in her mouth, she savored the burn as long as she could before swallowing. Subconsciously maybe Lauren wanted to feel the physical manifestation of the emotional pain coursing through her body. When she felt the fire in her mouth start to subside and numb her cheeks and tongue, Lauren swallowed it. The bolus of liquid sliding down her throat burned like fire all the way to her belly. Sparing a brief second from reading Lauren closed her eyes and fought the urge to gag or shake off the sensation.

It had been a long month. One of the longest Lauren had experienced in years. Finding out the Rand had been dishonorably discharged from Starfleet was hard enough but the little bit of information she had initially discovered hung like a noose around her neck. t had taken her a month to piece together all the details from a dozen sources. Now she was about to learn the details about what had happened to Rand. At first, his whereabouts proved elusive. That was before she had a lead on where to look. After finding that it had been easy. All the information was contained in a single location: Starfleet’s Judicial Branch. The symbol of Starfleet’s legal division created a knot in her stomach. This was almost as uncomfortable as the burning of the booze she drank. Lauren never thought her actions would ever have such ramifications on another yet her solo quest to repair the wounds of her past not only involved Devon Rand but engulfed him. This was why she never let anyone help her or know about her clandestine activities. It was why she only took strangers to her bed before Rand. Getting close to someone opened you up to a world of pain strangers could never inflict upon you. Bruises healed. Cuts could be sutured closed. Bones could be mended. Guilt could not. Carried long enough, guilt ate at you like a disease rotting everything about one’s self. There was no cure for guilt nor could it be treated as mother’s promised their children the words I’m sorry would magically do. Guilt and regret killed a person with an efficiency that rivaled a plague or stab wound to a major organ. This was the reason for the copious amounts of alcohol Lauren was pouring into her body. Reading the information in the documents she received would kill her eventually. The alcohol was only there to slow the process.

Lt. Lauren Shan