Posted by Lieutenant Christopher Robins (Stellar Cartographer) in DIPLO 420 Diplomacy: Handling Hostile Species —Eight Years Ago

Posted by Lieutenant Alexandra Garfield (Xenobiologist) in DIPLO 420 Diplomacy: Handling Hostile Species —Eight Years Ago

“And one should never start aggressive actions first against a hostile species. Sometimes you will find people looking for a reason to start something, as members of Starfleet we are to respond first with our words. If we are pushed to fight then we will defend ourselves. I say this knowing full well many of you will not listen, but Starfleet holds it’s standard as military peace keepers very seriously… so you have been warned.” said the very portly Benzite professor who had been passing the stage as he looked over his class.

Near the back a familiar site could be seen, Alexandra Garfield in the middle of Ian Bordeaux and Christopher Robins, fourth year cadets on their way to finishing their academia careers and stepping into the wide world of officerhood. A small crackle of opening wrappers broker the silence as Chris took out a Baby Ruth bar as a stern humph could be heard down from his friend and roommate Ian as he looked at the man wide eyed.

“Quiet… this lesson is for you. We all know you are the punch first type, if anyone here was gonna sock a hostile species first it is gonna be you and I can’t help you if you don’t listen to Professor Julpno. ” Ian chastised, there was one thing he always took serious and it was his classes. The truth was Chris did just as much, but Ian while very much like his friend outside of the classroom, was always a professional in class.

“Shove it Bordeaux… you’re just upset you don’t get to take a bath with Kylie anymore.” Chris said as he tossed a Snickers bar at his head over Lexi’s. The bar sailing as Ian reached out and caught it before it hit him shaking his head.

“Will you control him!” Ian shouted at Lexi, looking to throw the candy back but looking at it as he thought twice.”It is my favorite…” he said as he began to unwrap it.

Cadet Christopher Robins

“That is like trying to stop a tornado from descending on your house,” Lexi laughed. “I gave up trying to control him five minutes after I met him.” She held her hand out to the side waiting for Chris to deposit a piece of candy into her palm. “Besides he buys my loyalty with candy,” she confessed. The second Chris placed it in her hand Lexi wrinkled up her nose. “What? What is this,” she looked at Chris as if he had placed a lump of coal or worse in her hand.

“It’s a take five, you said you want anything peanut butter… well this is anything peanut butter. Chocolate, caramel, peanut butter, pretzel, peanuts… what is not to love?” Chris said looking at her with an indignant look. How could she not want a take five, it was a brilliant candy bar.

“The caramel, pretzels, and peanuts,” she said without missing a beat. “I ask you why ruin a good thing with stuff you don’t need. You know what I mean Chris. It’s like that chick Melanie you met last week. Oh Chris,” Lexi took on a breath a simpering tone as she flipped her hair to one side. “You say the funniest things. You are so witty and smart. I know that is the reason you were voted Astronomy club president. Tah hee hee hee.” Lexi imitated a blonde bimbo with an agenda perfectly even displaying the eye flutter. There were times she wanted to make a gagging sound when she overheard Chris with his flavor of the week but she was brought up with manners. “Why do you want all that extra junk. You don’t need double D’s, flippable hair and a breathy voice to be attractive. Just like you don’t need caramel, pretzels, and peanuts to be an amazing candy bar. “If you set your sights lower and stick to the basics: Chocolate and peanut butter, pretty with a half a lick of sense,” Lexi had returned to her normal voice as she explained why plain candy was better than the chaotic concoctions Chris seemed to enjoy so, “you will enjoy it more. I mean who wants to have caramel dripping down your chin or making your fingers sticky so you have to go wash your hands. Mouth adventure candy is nothing but trouble. Predictable candy lets you know exactly what you are getting time after time. There is something comforting about predictability,” Lexi spoke in a calm tone. “Heck even the shape requires more attention than should be paid to a piece of candy. You have to look at it and figure out where to bite it so it doesn’t come apart when you are not expecting it. Much like Melanie when you gave called her Meletta by mistake. Take five may be trying to suck you into a den of pleasure but it is the shape of evil.”

“It is square and smooth,” Lexi described the candy. “I like circular with predictably spaced ridges. Do you see ridges,” she cocked her head to the side examining the rectangular bit of chocolate. “Ian do you see a circle,” she pressed the point.

“No I do not, but I do see two children arguing over candies… stuff it in your mouth and be happy he puts up with your nagging.” Ian replied, with a half-cocked smile as he stuck his tongue at her before giving a small chuckle.

“You know what this means don’t you. The biding for my love and loyalty now starts at one Recees cup,” she announced almost like an auctioneer. To Chris however, she leaned over and whispered in his ear. “You will never get a Baby Ruth in me. You know I am not a fan of the squishy and nutty center. I mean make up your mind. Are you silky smooth or a mouth adventure,” she said sincerely. “How can I pocket one of those things in the side of my cheek and savor the taste over a five minute period as it dissolves like a piece of hard candy on crack? I like things to last not be over and done with in two chomps so hand over the Recess and your biology term paper won’t get hurt,” she dug her elbow into his side.

“Oh I will get one in you… just you wait.” he said as he looked in the back and found the near empty bag of Reeses cups which had a mere two left. “Well… seems someone is gonna have to stretch 10 minutes into 90.” he said, referencing the time left of the lecture as he handed her the two cups. “Least try the take five bar, for me.”

Chris had tried for years to get Lex to switch over to what she fondly referred to as the dark side and eat a Baby Ruth. She refused not out of dislike but more that she could be so stubborn.

Cadet Lexi Garfield

“Fine but I am not going to like it,” Lexi took the Take Five and pocketed it between her cheek and teeth. There she let the chocolate dissolve slowly. She was actually enjoying it until the first offending ingredient came loose from the caramel glue holding the bar together. “Hey, Chris. Want a peanut,” she said and spit it out at him like a spitball. Why she did it, Lexi would never have an answer. The thought just came to her as a way to separate out the parts of the candy that was lodged in the wad of caramel. The peanut ricocheted off his chest and towards the person in front of him.

One minute later she leaned over towards Chris’ ear and while looking forward pursed her lips launching the pretzel piece down into the stadium seats below her saying only, “poison dart attack.”

“You know I could have sat next to anyone else… hell Kylie is here maybe I will get back with her and get some cold dead quiet as she remembers the bar where I meet Kristin… which lead you into meeting Heather… it was a vicious cycle.” Ian said to the two half-serious.

“Shut up and have a peanut,” Lexi said with her mouth full of bits of candy. Launching a peanut at him Lexi couldn’t help but laugh. She was being a total dork. Mainly because she had paid so much attention to the piece of candy she was eating, she was lost in the lecture. Until this moment never realized how distracting candy could be which was probably why most professors didn’t allow eating or drinking in class.

Cadet Christopher Robins

Cadet Lexi Garfield

“Okay that’s it!” came Ian’s voice as he looked over at Lexi, reaching in he moved his hand to her neck like a Vulcan nerve pinch, only it wasn’t a nerve pinch at all. No he knew a secret, a secret only few knew. Pressing his thumb into her collar bone he pressed tight and hard as he went for her neck, knowing Lexi would soon go fetal and beg for mercy.

“No no woe woe woe,” Alexandra said turtling as she started to slur her words. “Wee in thop. Wop ow,” she felt her body going slack. She could not fight back. It was as if she was paralyzed from the neck down to her waist. Lexi’s tongue felt like it was shot with a dose of novocaine and unable to form true words. Not caring how it looked Lexi lifted one arse cheek in the chair and leaned into Ian for leverage. She would back out straight on Chris’ lap if the situation ended up that way. It would be easier to slap him after she got free. There was only one way Ian would know about this and Chris was the only leak. “I ah gowin to hick ooh’s ahhh” she fought to put the blonde cajun in his place verbally but no muscle in her body was cooperating. Her only hope was to pull away from Ian’s grip which as grips went had the strength of a ten-year-old boy. In this position, on her neck however, Lexi had the motor coordination of a nine-month-old baby cutting teeth. The combination resulted in a very ungainly body motion. As Lexi shifted to free herself she realized the unthinkable was happening in public. Her tucked chin with the inability to unlock her turtled neck and face muscles was now permitting a thin line of caramel-coated drool to seep out of the corner of her mouth and onto her chin. Pushing up she felt her hair fall in her face as she mumbled, “Wee in thhhhee ah not do win dis,”

“Oh we are doing this?” Chris chimed in as he put his arm right on her inner thigh as she began to try and go fetal, knowing the two prong attack would drive her insane as the two men dominated over their friend to get her to stop shooting the peanuts of doom.

Cadet Christopher Robins

“Wis. Wis Ob in,” she started to crumble in the chair. With no way out to the right or left Lexi could only slump downward and hope that spilling her body onto the auditorium floor would free her. “elp eee. Hep. Wis. Hep eee,” she said followed by a slurp as she tried to control the now longer stream of drool spilling out of her mouth. Lexi was almost boneless as her wiggles sent her sliding at an incredibly slow speed off the end of her seat. Chris’ hand on her thigh was suddenly tightened as he began to squeeze right above the knee causing her to laugh. The area right above her knee always was ticklish and Chris knew exactly how to make her fall into a fit of giggles when he grabbed it.

“Hop. Oh hod wop,” Lexi begged as her body began to contort into a weird rhymth of boneless and jerky trying to free herself .

Cadet Lexi Garfield.

Letting go Chris couldn’t help but smile as she fell helpless between the pair. “Next time swallow whatever I put in your mouth woman!” Chris said teasingly as he began to put his arm under hers to help lift her ass off the floor from her slumped over position.

“I told you mouth adventure candy is bad. That chaotic concoction went to mush. Peanut butter cups do not turn on you like that. Take five is a great candy,” she mocked Chris. “It attacked and now I got caramel all over my chin…and shirt,” she moaned as Chris helped her to her feet. As Lexi went down she did not care where her legs went akimbo. All she had cared about was getting away from the two men. With one leg propped up in the air and the other almost wedged under Ian’s seat the only thing Lexi could do was have Chris hoist her up. As she found her feet, Lexi ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to straighten it out. The normally high ponytail she wore was askew from the back of her head to almost a single pigtail on one side with loose strands falling everywhere. Except for the few strands that were stuck to her cheek from the caramel-coated spit. “Chris it is in my h....air,” Lexi immediately stopped talking noticed the dull drone of the professor was gone.

Looking around the auditorium had gotten dead silent as the professor stood agape, the sound of his respirator all they could hear.

“She was having anaphylactic shock, she’s better now though.” Chris said as he shrugged as he looked over at Ian.

Not having any way out of this Lexi looked at Chris and muttered, “I hate you,” before letting her legs go limp. She let her body slump against Chris as she reached out to grab Ian as if to steady herself. The three of them could not afford another series of demerits. At least Chris had been smart enough not to choose a seizure. There was no way, demerits or not, Alexandra Garfield was going to allow her body to flop about on the floor of the auditorium between the rows of seats again. Coming out of anaphylactic shock was different for everyone. Touching her leg she tried not to smile and let the bubble of laughter escape her lips. At the distance, no one could tell that the gum covered pencil she had apparently sat on wasn’t what she was about to label it. “Epi pen,” she held it up and quickly dropped it before anyone could get a good look at it. She had to play along at this point. If she didn’t thier little escapade was going to land them in hot water.

“Peanut allergy.” Ian said in agreement as he nodded at the statement, “So sad… as a child she couldn’t have any peanut brittle her grammie made for Hanukkah… she nearly died at 4.”

“As she might have today if it had not been for Cadet Robins and Cadet Bordeaux’s quick reflexes and response. Son, I applaud you both. Saving a life does not always occur on the battlefield as you two boys have shown.” As if the professor had said something profound, one cadet stood up and started a long slow clap. It was the clap of approval one received when they did something extraordinary.

“Oh my god you can’t be serious,” Lexi said through gritted teeth. The gritted teeth was mainly to stop her from breaking out into a fit of laughter. “What is he doing?”

His clap was followed by a second student, then five more, until the room was all standing giving accolades to the two men that apparently had saved another cadets life.

“Yeah… lucky for us the lord protects his chosen people.” Chris added as he looked at Lexi with a smirk he saved always for her as he couldn’t help but begin to feel a small belly laugh at it all.

Cadet Christopher Robins

“If you two could please escort Cadet Garfield to the Infirmary. I am not sure she can make it on her own,” the professor gestured to the door.

“I swear to god I am never ever sitting with you two again,” Lexi hung her head letting her two friends carry on the charade so that they had an excuse, albeit a lame one, for disrupting the class and not getting into trouble for it.