(Snip)

“It’s not my job to feel for you. You can’t help what you feel. You can only control what you do about those feelings, and to do that correctly, you have to accept your feelings.”

Jessa didn’t want to accept or even acknowledge her feelings right now. If she did, she would start to cry and probably never stop. Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she felt the small device on the side of her neck. Jessa needed a way to change this subject and this was as good as any.

“Can we please not talk about how we feel for a minute? Maybe talk about something else?” It was a weak conversational change but Jessa needed to feel some measure of control when she felt completely out of control.

“You have met me before?” He said with a taste of sarcasm. He tried to minimize it but there was no way for him to be completely benign. But he still shrugged.

“If you want to reactivate your suit just touch your neck,” she replied to Rinker as she pointed to the small metal disc embedded in the skin on his neck.

“What do you mean reactivate my suit?” He wasn’t too interested in the suit in the first place.

“To protect yourself against those wishing you harm or protect those weaker than you. It is a gift.” If her helmet was off Rinker would see her confusion with Rinker not understanding what she had done for him. “One day people will understand what just happened here but for now I just need to keep you and Ian safe.”

“I’m sure.” Rinker admitted. “I’m not much of a fighter and medical personnel take an oath to ‘first do no harm,’ people take that oath differently as well. I look at it as to do everything in your power to not harm another, but I have been known to balance the lives of many against the lives of the few.”

============
Rinker’s Office
============

Jessa sat down on the couch in Rinker’s office. Only in the safety of his office did she retract her armor. The blood from Da Mu’s violent end was drying in her hair from when Jessa ran her fingers through it in panic. Against the blonde strands, it was clearly visible. While she could not see it, Jessa could see the drying red smears on her hands which was much darker and far more sticky. She looked at them for a long second swallowing the ball of emotion rising from her belly into her throat threatening to choke her.

“I tried to do that,” Jessa stuck her hands into the hem of her shirt and rolled them up in it. It was childish and immature no different than a toddler trying to hide something behind its back thinking if it was out of sight. She avoided looking at Rinker as she spoke.

“Not to hurt anyone in our escape but just to get out.”

“It is a hard calculation and usually we don’t get a tally sheet so we know the results before we make the decisions.” Nor do these decisions come with a plethora of time so that doesn’t help either.

He glanced at the now back to a little girl. The armor should be taken from her. Not that he was going to be the one to take it. He didn’t have the strength or the inclination at this time. Not to mention she might be the only thing protecting them from her erstwhile allies.

Sinking into the couch cushions felt like a hug. Of all the places on the Atlantis, his office felt safe even with its formal furniture and lack of fun kid stuff to amuse oneself. Having spent a part of every day with Rinker since her arrival, she knew Heathcliff was not going to suddenly turn into a chatterbox peppering her with questions. Taking a deep breath she started. There was little she could control right now except for the flow of information. She would use this small thing to her best advantage.

“I don’t want to talk about what just happened okay? You asked me a question before we got here. Can we talk about that?” The implications of the attack were something Jessa did not want to think about. In time she would not have to. She would be back in the Union where things made sense.

“Alright,” it was common practice to let the patient dictate the direction of the therapy as long as they weren’t using that control to evade treatment.

“He is Pellan Vell. The man you asked about,” Jessa stated as if Rinker had lost track of the conversation during their walk. “In…on the promenade,” she stuttered. Rubbing her palms on her pant legs, Jessa was clearly nervous and anxious about the topic. “The man that is coming for me is Pellan Vell. He is the chancellor of the Galactic Union. He is also my Dad or at least I think he is.” Her tone trailed off slightly and her volume lowered to almost a whisper at her last sentence.

“A Chancellor?” He started. “I’m not familiar with that position.” There would be much to gain by finding out whatever she was able to explain. Even her jaundiced opinion.

“A Chancellor is the highest position in the Galactic Union aside from the Rectoress. Pellan sets the rules for the people to follow and makes sure all the other governmental officials get along. He is charismatic and smart and funny.” A smile filled her face as she spoke about the man. It was clear she had some sort of hero worship about the man she was speaking of. “He is really nice and gets along with everyone except Adar Vyce but that is not hard. Vyce is kinda scary most of the time. Pellan told me it is because Vyce spends all his time having to run our armadas to protect us and never gets to have any fun. I guess if I had to fight wars all the time I would be in a perpetually bad mood.”

“Wars tend to have a negative effect on mood.”

“I had never been in a war before Halston,” she admitted. “Pellan brought the entire fleet to save me. I don’t know if I would be here if it wasn’t for him.”

Thinking about all the people that were important to her felt like a crushing weight. Jessa looked down and began to fidget with her shirt as the consequences of all her actions fought for her attention.

“Why was it necessary to bring an entire fleet to get one person? That would imply a very large effort to not let a person go.”

Again she was caught in the murky waters of the half-truths Jessa had been sharing. It felt as if Rinker was storing up every word she ever spoke and analyzing them for some purpose other than getting to know her and her culture. “Some people are that important to another person they would move every star in the sky for them.” As she talked, Jessa continued to look down. He would read the lie on her face and know Pellan came but not for her if she looked at him. He had come for the same person Rogan had. It was only by random chance Jessa and Pellan were in the same place at the same time. Still, she left it open not caring about this lie to him. It hurt too much to admit it.

“That sounds like a very reductive answer.” He paused for a moment trying to determine if she understood his meaning. “It just sounds like a very basic, nu-nuanced response. I think there were far more of an explanation than what you just gave.”

“He sounds very important. And your father, you think?”

Jessa looked up at Rinker as he posed the question about her paternity. “Pellan,” she repeated the name. “Yes.” Her tone was confident before she suddenly recanted. “I mean he has never said it directly but,” Jessa shrugged.

“I would think your technology is sufficient to remove any doubt in that arena. If not, ours certainly is.” They certainly could remove any genetic doubt and since they already knew that there was some a direct genetic connection to Ian, this person couldn’t be her father unless we were talking about a multi-universe sort of situation would he suspected and would have explained so many things.

“No,” she yelled out holding her hands up in a visceral reaction that was far more emotional than his comment should have elicited. “That is not necessary. We don’t have family relationships like that. I mean we do but okay I don’t.” Biting the inside of her cheeks, Jessa took a moment to regroup her emotions.

“You have a mother, presumably a father is as important.”

Jessa shrugged not sure what to say. “I think of Pellan in that role but he never really did any of the dad things they are supposed to do except for leave.” As the words left her mouth, Jessa felt a wave of guilt crush her.

“Okay, that is not the truth. My mom said it was her choice to leave my dad. My mom said one day she would tell me about my dad. She said he lived far away and eventually I could meet him. Pellan knew my mom and has always treated me differently than the other Guardians. He tells me I am his special girl and that one day he and I are going to be able to be together without having to hide how much I mean to him. Why would he tell me I am special if I am not? Why would he sneak me out of my bed in the middle of the night to spend time with me in the garden? Why would he bring me golden cakes and kukiharu that are just for me and no one else?”

“Another decision that you don’t really know what the result is, but you try to make the best one you can. But nobody is perfect.”

“Sometimes it is better to not ask questions you don’t want an answer to. It stops people from lying to you.” Jessa had learned a long time ago to avoid asking direct questions to the things she wanted to know most.

“It is also a good way to stay ignorant. ‘There is nothing more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.’”

“Conscientious objection is the quickest way to the Altar of Cleansing. There is nothing wrong with dying for your faith or the Union. The only sin comes from throwing away that life without a purpose. I don’t think at baarah… I mean twelve,” she threw the number out hesitantly, “I have found my life’s purpose.” Rinker did not question or correct her about the attempt at using their numbers. She needed to take more chances like this but hide when she erred. Without the Elders on the ship, Jessa needed a way to survive on her own and it felt daunting.

“I’m not sure I feel good about a religious tenet that encourages ignorance and punishes an attempt to attain further knowledge. That’s how fascists stay in power.”

“I don’t know what a fascist is? I don’t think I have ever heard that before but I can guess it is a person hat tries to control the facts…like some of my teachers back on Cildar. They only want you to learn what they tell you.” Jessa felt an overwhelming need to connect with someone and not play the cat-and-mouse games of minding one’s words like adults did.

Rinker had to fight himself to keep himself from telling her to look it up like a parent or a teacher. “Not exactly, but you are in the neighborhood.”

“I didn’t ask questions before they moved me to the position of Guardian Novar. When I did everyone tends to give me the response of you don’t need to worry about that right now or that is an adult problem. Even here,” Jessa looked at Rinker. “When I ask you or especially Ian what is going to happen I get the ‘I don’t know’ or the even better ‘Let me worry about that okay’ response. The problem is it doesn’t stop me from thinking or worrying.” She paused for a second before adding, “Pellan is the same though as you guys. When I ask him things at times he replies that is a problem for me to handle so don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.”

“Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes, we want you to figure it out for yourself. Knowledge earned is more valuable and poignant that knowledge given. Not to mention, part of the point was that you are making decisions on what others have told you, and I want you to learn enough to make the decisions for yourself. You’ve been doing too much of just following what others have told you to do.”

“Anyway, he is coming for me because that is what Dad’s do right? They pick you up when you fall and dust you off and say everything is going to be okay.” Her tone sounded more like a question rather than a statement.

Jessa Novar

“Mostly,” Rinker agreed, “But not always. It depends often on the situation. I think there is a lot one can learn by picking your own self up and dealing with the consequences of one’s own behavior.” He said honestly enough. “That is dependent on the nature of the problem and parenting style.”

His comment stung like a slap in the face. She didn’t know how to deal with the consequences or even know what they might be after the promenade. All Jessa knew was that she was alone in facing them and had nowhere to go for help.

“You don’t know anything,” Jessa pulled the edges of her shirt up wiping her eyes. The stress of the day and the consequences of all her actions were breaking her. She was struggling not to cry as the edge of her shirt was becoming too wet to soak up the tears she was trying to stop.

“People have accused me of that before. That’s why I like to ask questions and find answers. I’ve also found those who accuse others of not knowing things are actually arguing positions they don’t know how to defend. It doesn’t mean they are wrong, to be sure, but that doesn’t mean they are right either.” Rinker was pretty sure her religion and her whole culture was a totalitarian regime, but you didn’t convince people by beating them over the head.

“I never said I knew what your Chancellor would do. You asked about what fathers are expected to do… and I offered my best opinion.”

“Can’t someone be both?” Pulling the shirt up over her eyes, she sobbed for a second. Jessa had never felt so lost and alone in her entire life. Until now someone had always been there even if they were not someone Jessa necessarily wanted.

“Of course, that is the best any of us can do. Perfection is an illusion, or for squares, circles, and Borg.” He slid a box of tissues across the table, but didn’t say anything about the crying outwardly.

Jessa picked up the soft paper followed by another one. In a weird way, it felt soothing much like when Rinker tossed the ball to her. It kept her mind focused on a small task. She pulled a third as her movements became more frenzied and rushed filling her hand with the soft, white cloth until she could hold no more. Putting the wad Kleenex to her face, Jessa cried hard for a second using it to both stop her tears from falling and smothering the sounds from her mouth. After a few seconds, she did stop, however. Jessa could cry later. Putting her hand in her lap she looked up at Rinker.

“And I am not crying. My head hurts. I just need a second.” While it wasn’t completely a lie, it wasn’t completely the truth. Her head hurt so bad from blowing herself through the forcefields Jessa could barely hold a thought. The thought she was trying to shake from her head was Rinker’s comment about Pellan not coming for her. She had never even contemplated this as a possibility until right now.

“There is nothing wrong with crying… or not crying in your case.” Rinker said flatly.

“There is everything wrong with crying. Adults don’t cry over making a mistake and kids cry over everything. I am neither one but held accountable as both. It’s not fair for me to be held accountable for every mistake that has happened since Halston. I will own up to what I did but I don’t know if Pellan is going to see it that way. Maybe that is why I am nervous right now. I don’t know how he is going to react. Adults can be so unpredictable.”

“They shouldn’t be. Adults should be steady both in direction, rewards and consequence. How else can young people learn right from wrong.”

“You are not steady in both directions,” Jessa looked up at Rinker and blew her nose. “The only thing I can predict when I come to see you is feeling more anxious as you sit and judge me. You don’t share a lot and I try to give you a chance to talk all the time to talk to me. Aside from knowing your dad is a religious cleric I don’t know anything about you. I mean I know Ian and Chris and best friends, Rand is dating Dr. Lauren, O’Neill loves cake, Ian and Kelly own a dog.” Jessa could feel herself start to cry and not stop as she spoke. Her attempt at showing how she was connecting to the crew was weak and pathetic even in her own ears. “I just wish I could predict how things are going to go when Pellan comes to get me.”

“I guess I’m steady in going in no direction.” He hypothesized. “In our case, I’m not your adult. I’m not hear to teach you lessons. I’m hear to help you with your life, but I leave the lessons you want to learn up to you.”

“If I’m actually going in no direction, then if you feel anxious and judged. One of my ancestors, Freud, would say that your feelings are an extension of how you feel about yourself.”

“Maybe if you explain his interpretation of the mistake to me I can better predict his response.”

Rinker

“The mistake is that I came here looking for the Prism when he expressly forbade me from doing that.” Looking down at her hands, Jessa hyper-focused on that. She began to alternately rub her palms on her pant legs or use her fingers to wipe off the blood that stained them red. She didn’t think anyone had been killed by the other Elder’s but she did not know this for a fact. The blood on her hands was more than symbolic. It was a visual representation of all the blood that had been spilled today and the blood on her hands if this mission didn’t go as she had planned it. She had to get it off but so far only small flakes from the dried-on thicker clumps were coming off.

Jessa Novar

“It might help my understanding if I knew what the Prism is and why it is so important and then why you chose to go after it while your ‘father’ told you not to.” There were three questions in there and about another two that he didn’t directly request.

GM

“The Prism is a device that will let us control the celestial web. It will make our travel just like your transporter. No more weeks to traverse the universe through its conduits. I could use it to be home in the blink of an eye,” Jessa looked at Rinker desperate for him to understand and accept what she was saying. Moving from her spot, Jessa perched on the edge of a cushion barely able to control her emotions and her own body. Her hands shook slightly and she had to clasp them to try and appear to have some composure. “We could meet and find civilizations faster than any civilization since the dawn of sentience. Ideas, technology, and values could all be brought under the Galactic Union and shared with the universe.” Jessa lost the glazed look she had previously in her eyes and replaced it with one of excitement and hope. “Don’t you see how valuable this could be for everyone everywhere?”

“There was a race, 200,000 years ago that allegedly had that technology, the Iconians. They used it to rule most of the galaxy. If legends are to be believed.”

“I believe science come to us as it should, and we are always just less mature than the science we create. It’s just the nature of advancement. It take time to understand the things we create. And to ‘capture’ technology that we don’t have the ability to create… well that is too much for most races. Certainly ours, I think so for yours as well.”

“I don’t know these Iconian,” she admitted, “but that doesn’t mean we haven’t met them. There are more races than any one person could know but how can moving from one place to another be bad. If someone was sick or hungry you could help them immediately.”

“200,000 years is a long time. Most of the planet’s that are Federation members would have been hard pressed to master fire at that time, much less encountering interstellar races. Do you have any historical records that mention this?”

Jessa shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She needed to not be dismissive of his question but find a way to explore this topic to get her own answers. “Don’t get mad at me,” she stated shifting her position on the couch. “I am not trying to hide anything from you but our history is too vast for a single person to ever understand or learn so we are assigned part of it to learn. When Pellan gets here I am sure he will assign you proctors to answer things better but I don’t everything. The only thing that goes back that far is our origin stories which of course is way farther back than whatever time you said because it is at the start of time,” she added still needing the feeling of superiority for the Galactic Union over the Federation.

“I certainly don’t know all of Federation history, much less the history of the races that make up the Federation. That’s why we have really good computers. If I don’t know the answer you can feel free to ask the computer pretty much anything you want. Are your computer open access for the general information and history?”

To continue the conversation, she dropped some of her arrogance and continued to share what she knew. “Our technology comes from all the worlds in the Galactic Union working to defeat our enemy.” Getting more comfortable she licked her lips to try and make this make sense in the most simplistic way possible. The God of the universe is called Ahura Mazda who is the bringer of light. His counterpart and our enemy is Angra Mainyu who is the bringer of death and darkness. Angra Mainyu’s sole goal is to kill Ahura Mazda and sink the universe into darkness and chaos. He sends out his heralder, Lamashtu, to reign death from the sky to destroy anyone that does not follow his beliefs. No one can defeat Lamashtu’s armies when they descend on a world…except for us. God arms us with faith and the weapons to be the protectors of faith and light and follow God’s path of enlightenment. Does this sound like your Iconians?”

“The Iconians are far before my time and that of recorded history. The legends are that the Iconians were a race with the goal of galactic domination.” He shrugged. “No body really knows for a fact. History is written by the victors so the acts of those who were vanquished or died don’t have much to say about how they are remembered.”

“Halston was not going to be remembered because no one survived. I am not sure learning the Prism was here was worth the price it cost.”

“There is a philosophy that the existence of one person is analogous to the universe. So if you kill one person, you cost them the whole universe so nothing is worth a single life, much like a planet worth of people, but the least we can do is remember those who perished in the continuation of our goals.”

The excitement and zeal soon slipped from her eyes as Jessa sunk back hard into Rinker’s couch. “I made the mistake of telling Pellan about the Prism after Halston. He acted a lot like you. That was why I agreed to come here with the Elders. Rogan said he was in contact with a group of people that knew where the Prism was and who to contact to get it. He said they said they would tell us where my mom is if we brought it back. They needed me to come because Captain Bordeaux would only give it to me. It felt wrong to keep this a secret so I told Pellen. I have never seen Pellan so angry as when I told him about this. He wouldn’t listen to me about anything. Pellan said that he was going to take me away from Kublia Tais and my Quad. I could not let that happen.” Jessa pleaded with Rinker as if he had some say in the matter or at least would support her in her choices. “I had to save my mom. So we reprogrammed the course setting on the Beacon of Light and it sent us here. You know the rest.”

“Why was he mad that you wanted to save your mother?”

“You keep mentioning wanting to save her, but you never give me any information about where she is, why they are keeping her in the first place, and why would any particular prize be the ransom you need.” Rinker had repeatedly stated that keeping/using hostages is not something she should encourage, but it was like talking to a wall.

Jessa stared at Rinker getting quiet for a long moment. “Commander Rinker,” she used his rank trying to be polite and hoping this small measure of respect to him would help her right now. “When Pellan shows up can you be there? You are good at calming people down and I am pretty sure he is going to be so varped he is not going to listen to a thing I have to say.” Of all the things Jessa had to worry about right now, she was more worried about Pellan arriving than not showing up.

Jessa Novar

“Sure, I’ll be where you want me.” That wasn’t too much to ask for in his book.

“Thank you,” she said visibly relieved.

Rinker

“Can I stay here with you,” Jessa asked but did not look at the man. “I promise I won’t try to escape. Where would I go anyway,” she tried to make a joke that only made her cry again. “I won’t eat or drink anything. I won’t bother you. I just don’t want to go back to sick bay. I don’t want to be alone and Ian only comes at night and sometimes during the day.” For the first time coming to the Altantis, Jessa was scared. These people held all the power and she was helpless. It was a feeling she didn’t like.

Rinker paused. “I’m not too worried about that. But I’ll have to check with Ian and frankly my office isn’t a really good bedroom certainly not for two.”

“Why does everything have to go through him? Yes, I asked for him the first night but that does not mean he needs to be up my ass every second or be the person everyone has to run everything by before I do it. Why can’t I be in charge of myself or even you?” Jessa suddenly became agitated. “You outrank him. You have more circles on your neck. You engage me as an equal and are working on how to help me make the transition for your people from the Federation to the Union easier. Ian just,” she let his name hang and then crossed her arms over her chest in a childish manner. Jessa didn’t want to cut ties with Ian so she was careful not to say something she could not take back. Jessa liked the predictable routine of eating with Ian and knowing no matter when she woke up or why he was always at her side. She just wanted to avoid him like the plague right now. Jessa shifted in her seat clearly uncomfortable. “Ian was just really mad at me in the promenade. I would rather not be around him until he cools off. That is why I am going to stay here from now on.” Chewing her lip, Jessa did not like the silence or pause in conversation or Heathcliff’s less than enthusiastic initial response to her idea.

Jessa Novar

“Well we could ask the Captain,” He countered not answering her question. “But the Captain did designate him to be in charge of this situation.” Of course she was the situation and likely somehow his genetic spawn. “Not to mention, Ian isn’t Pellan or any of the other personalities you are used to. He might not respond in the way you fear.”

Rinker

“No one responds the way I think they should,” Jessa got up clearly moving from upset to hysterical. She was struggling to maintain her composure the more the events from the promenade sunk in. Jessa was realizing just how much trouble she was in and no one to help her. “No one would have died if you all just genuflected in our presence. Rogan said you would but Da Mu attacked your captain. You said you were benevolent and trustworthy but your people set us up to be slaughtered by your armies. I set the MECH’s to civil defense,” she yelled at Rinker so hard her throat hurt. “They were programed so that no one could use a weapon on either side. I thought you would all talk to them. I thought we could all come to an understanding but they are now all dead.” Jessa hiccuped a breath in feeling like there was no air in the room.

“You have certainly encountered world that didn’t just choose to kneel before you. I can’t imagine your empire would just take the knee if we showed up in your galaxy? Its surprising to think you would think its expected that another confederation would just bow to an unknown power.”

“The only people in the world that cared about me are dead. I am lost and I don’t know how to get home.” Anger and fear erupted out of Jessa that she could not contain. She wished she had been playing with Rinker’s ball but in lieu of having something soft to throw she reached out and swiped a lamp off his end table letting it crash to the floor. The expelling of energy felt good. The crack of the pottery base sounded almost soothing.

“We care for you.” He glanced at the rubble at her feet. “Certainly more than you care about my furnishings.”

Jessa turned to face him and wiped her running nose with the back of her sleeve. She was going to have to give Rinker something to get something in return. “My mother is a traitor. Happy now that you have your answers,” she dropped to the ground in a heap next to the broken lamp leaning against the wall. “I don’t know where she is and even if I did I could not go to her because do you know what they do to traitors?” Jessa no longer cared how Rinker would react to truth or how it would alter his opinion about her.

“Says who?” Rinker responded promptly. “Mothers do things, parents do things, sometimes the wrong thing but its out of love and not out of treachery to an Empire. Another a human patriot said if I have to choose between my country and my friend. I hope I have to courage to pick my friend.”

“The find the traitors family: mother, father, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins…four branches out. Then they find everyone you ever worked with, went to school with, participated in leisure time with and take all of their families. They take everyone and anyone that might ever have known you even in passing and send them to the Altar of Cleansing so that there is no one to remember you or seek revenge for you. This is why Pellan gets so mad when I talk about her. Rogan was the only person that wasn’t scared of anyone and agreed to help me find the Prism to save her and now he is dead.”

“Its been a three thousand years since the Federation thought crimes were in the bloodline. There is not crime another commits that you are guilty for. Is that on one side enough for you?”

“So you see,” Jessa wiped her eyes and then her nose with her shirt, “no one will help me find her because they can’t but if I have the Prism I can search the universe myself and when I find her, I can give her the Prism. I can tell everyone she found it and they will see she is not a traitor but a patriot.”

“I wouldn’t give them a damn thing.” He said bluntly. She encouraged his decisiveness with her claims he never took a side. He would have to wind back after he thought about it for a moment. “You don’t call my mother, three circles of my family a traitor and then have me fight, kill and die for you.”

With nothing near her to break, Jessa hit the back of her head against the wall in a loud thunk. It hurt enough to bring a round of fresh tears but it also felt good to have something to focus on other than all her other problems. She hit the wall two more times in rapid succession before leaning forward and resting her elbows and then her forehead on her propped up knees. Da Mu’s dried blood on her hands made them stick to her arms and filled the small space her face was buried in with a iron like scent. It was choking but better than looking at Rinker.

Jessa Novar

Rinker slid the container of tissues closer to her. “I’m not certain my walls or your fists can take the continued abuse. I can have a dummy sent to my office, if you would like to continue your physical aggressiveness.”

“I have asked you before. Where is your mother… or how can we find her. Maybe we can rescue her?”“

Rinker