Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Pre-sim: Psych eval for the CTO

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Harrison Callahan (Chief Tactical Officer) in Pre-sim: Psych eval for the CTO

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Pre-sim: Psych eval for the CTO
Posted by… suppressed (13) by the Post Ghost! 👻

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“When your life becomes a series of high stakes adventures, and what is asked of you continues to grow, you crave those moments. It’s not about simplicity, it’s about connection. To ourselves, to our purpose, to those around us. We cannot survive without at least some connection. And I don’t even have to specify species or culture here. At least as far as Humanoid species go, we’re all wired to follow what drives us, and I tell you, after years of counselling people and studying behaviour, those mundane moments are worth more than anything in the universe. They remind us as members of Starfleet of what we do out here. We all are defending the Federation and exploring the limits of our being in each our own way. And those beautiful mundane moments are the fuel that carry us even when we don’t realize it.” The intensity remained in her eyes and Janna herself seemed lit up in some sort of way. Perhaps a psi-positive person could more accurately gauge the shift in the psychologist, but for someone like Callahan who was keyed to observe minutea, it was like a different Janna had slipped into the room, or perhaps more accurately, she was revealing something about herself.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Harrison kept his gaze locked with Janna’s as he leaned forward. “You know,” he said quietly, “for someone talking about mundane moments, you make it sound almost sacred. Are you this intense about other things, as well?”

“Absolutely,” she said frankly, not clarifying which comment she was replying to. Maybe both?

He smirked faintly. “Though I’m still not convinced replicated French toast qualifies as a spiritual experience.”

“Maybe I just haven’t had the right person make me French toast for breakfast yet.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena

She laughed and the intensity softened. “Perhaps. But it doesn’t have to be French toast, either. But I think a life in space can make us jaded far too easily the longer we’re out here. Some days it’s enough to remind ourselves to look for something small that is magical. That makes us feel like all is right with the Universe. it can ground us.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

“I’ve spent most of my career treating peace and quiet like a temporary thing. Needed, but still temporary. I try to stay sharp because the next crisis is always around the corner.”

“Maybe that makes it easy to stop noticing the smaller things.”

She tilted her head, her intense gaze returning for a moment.

Harrison studied the counselor for a moment longer.

“Maybe you’re right about needing a grounding? In my line of work, it’s easy to start measuring life only by emergencies, tactical reports, losses, near misses. Maybe finding something small that feels… normal…” He shook his head faintly. “Maybe that’s what keeps people from turning into machines.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena

She broke into a soft smile. “You said it. It’s easy to focus on staying alive, but that’s suvival, not living. Perhaps the question to ask yourself as you settle in on this ship is ‘what does living look like for me? What could it be? Food for thought.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Harrison leaned back in his chair, contemplating Janna’s words carefully.

“You’re probably right, but, I’ve been sooooo focused on the job and trying to discover what happened to my mother . . . . .I don’t think . . . .I know . . . . how . . .to do that.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena

She let the weight of his words fill the space, and felt no hurry to respond for a couple moments. “It’s hard when we have something that big left open. Many peoples, Humans included, want closure. Neat and tidy endings. But life is tricky that way. It sometimes asks us to carry on without the answers we seek, without that closure we so desperately want and need. The question then becomes: what if we never get that closure? How might we move forward?”

Janna leaned forward. “And let me be clear that moving forward doesn’t mean giving up on your mother. It just means that you don’t give up on yourself and your life along the way.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Harrison let her words settle for a few moments.

“I don’t think I’ve given up, but I have accepted the reality of the situation. She was declared MIA with the rest of the crew of her ship. If she/they were still alive somewhere out there,” he waved his hands, indicating the vastness of space, “she or someone would have found a way to contact Command. Would I like closure? Just as much as anyone’s family from the Cairo would. Do I expect closure? No, plain and simple.”

He took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “Nor have I given up on myself. I’ve advanced my career, risen to the rank of Lt. Cmdr, and have been assigned as the Chief Tactical Officer aboard the USS Athena . . . . no, I haven’t given up on myself.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena

Sh heard his words, but they carried a subtext that perhaps he wasn’t aware of. Especially if you pared that with the admission a few movements prior. “We’ve established that you have been focused on existence, on survival. Our careers can be not just incredibly important to us, but vital. But reaching a rank, a position, those can easily become distraction. Goals to achieve so we can say to ourselves, ‘See? I’m doing things.’” She paused for a brief moment before she focused her soft gaze on him. “Is it possible that the focus on your career is a part of your survival. Perhaps a distraction from having to think about what else you could have in your life? You just told me that focusing on the details of your job were possibly a distraction from truly living your life. Is it possible the job itself provides a distraction from things you don’t want to or haven’t been ready to deal with? Things like the subject of your mother?” She tossed these possibilities out there gentle, as if casting a paper boat onto the surface of a pond, letting them ripple out and take shape how they would.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Harrison sat quietly for a moment, staring at Janna. contemplating his next words carefully.

“Are you suggesting that I need . . . . someone, in my life? Someone to share the little things with?”

She gave a half shrug, not filling in what she may or may not have intended. Instead, she was going where he seemed to want to take the conversation.

“I’ll admit it. I miss having someone. The sharing, the intimacy, the smiles, the touches. Of course, I miss that. Once you’ve experienced that, it’s easily missed when it isn’t there.”

“I’ve had that. All of it. I’ve loved and loved deeply. I would have stepped out of an airlock for that person, but they wanted something else, something more that I wasn’t able to give. And they went looking for it elsewhere, and there was nothing I could do. I was betrayed by the person that I thought would never betray me. So, yeah, I have trust issues. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, and I’m okay with that. I don’t get hurt again, and I don’t have to worry about being enough for someone else. If focusing on the job, the details, keeps me from thinking about what I don’t have. . . so be it.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena

“Loneliness can be a difficult beast. And yes, there are times when distraction can be helpful. But distraction is not the same thing as acceptance, and I’m pretty sure you know that,” Janna said.

“A romantic relationship is one potential avenue. And certainly not one that is mandatory. There are other ways to live your life more fully without resorting to distractions,” Janna said. She actually haven’t even hinted at romance, and it was telling that that was where his mind had drifted. It spoke volumes.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

“The thing is, Counselor, when you’ve been blindsided enough times, eventually you stop looking for the next hit. You build walls. You call it practicality or realism. You tell yourself you’ve accepted things exactly as they are.”

Harrison stood and began slowly pacing around the room.

Her eyes tracked his movements and Janna not only observed his body language, but also whatever small threads of emotion might be emanating from Harrison.

“But if I’m being completely honest, I don’t know where acceptance ends and self-protection begins anymore. My mother disappeared when I was a kid. The woman I loved walked away when I thought we’d be spending the rest of our lives together. Different situations, but the same lesson. Nothing stays. People leave.”

He stopped pacing and turned to look at her before continuing. “That’s probably why I hold onto duty so tightly. A starship doesn’t wake up one morning and decide it wants something else. The mission doesn’t betray you. The job makes sense. Cause and effect. Action and reaction. You put in the work and usually get predictable results.”

He met Janna’s eyes again.

“So if romance isn’t necessarily what you’re talking about… then what does living more fully actually look like? Because if I’m honest, Counselor, I don’t think I’ve known the answer to that question for a very long time.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena

She let him vent. Clearly he needed to! Well, good. From her seat, she looked up at him and took a deep breath, sighing it out. “It’s hard, isn’t it? I know all too well what it’s like to go about life living on the edges, not wanting to risk allowing myself into the centre of what was happening around me.” Kingston nodded slowly. “Before I answer your question, I have another for you: are you the same person you were when your mother disappeared, and when your relationship ended?”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

No,” he admitted after a long moment. “I’ve changed. Life has a way of making sure of that. My mother’s leaving was because of duty. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in her plans to go MIA. That’s a hazard of the career she chose.”

His gaze drifted for a second before returning to Janna.

“But maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ve spent so much time becoming someone who could survive loss. . .I’ve closed myself off to others. I never stopped to ask whether that version of me still knows how to truly live.”

He offered a brief snicker. “Believe it ot not, Janna, this is the most I’ve ever opened up about either of those situations . . . to anyone, ever.”

Lt. Cmdr. Harrison Callahan
CTO-USS Athena