Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Holosuite HIke

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Serena Stone (Executive Officer) in Holosuite HIke

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Holosuite HIke

(snips)

Janna beamed. “Thank you. We’re still trying to understand everything, but all we now is that we took the leap and we’re going with it wherever it takes us.” She hadn’t missed Serena’s emotional shifts, and in fact, a part of Janna had been tracking them.

“Every since my accident I have felt like I have been living on borrowed time. I’ve kept waiting for the inevitable to go wrong, for my illness to finally do what we all know it can do. I’ve been so afraid of living I missed that I am alive. Alive when the odds said I shouldn’t be. Alive when the accidents I have had should have made me seek out a quieter life where I might be safer. But it’s like I tell my mothers, living at all is dangerous. I’m in just as much danger of a random thing happening on some planet, than I am out here. And I really have believed that, even when my own actions didn’t demonstrate that belief. This thing with Orvos though has shaken me out of my tiny little bubble and reminded me that I have a lot more I can give and that my fears don’t have to call all the shots anymore” She gave a lopsided smirk. “But I’m not going to lie and say it’s all easy now. I’m still tripping over those fear all the time.” Her grass green eyes were intense as she gazed at Stone.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

She nodded. “Fear is the mind-killer,” Serena murmured. “Anything can happen. Transporter accident. Turbolift malfunction. Fusion reactor tries to melt down. Warp core breach. Trip over the carpet and smash your head on the coffee table. Eat something and find you have a food allergy you didn’t know about. Aneurysm. Anything can turn the lights off at any time. The simplest of things. Doesn’t matter where you are or where you live. Safety is an illusion, there is only safeer. So screw it. And living in fear only creates more of it.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Janna nodded and smiled softly. “Exactly. Doesn’t stop my mothers from wanting me to be back home with them, which I do get, but they also have accepted that I am happy out here.”

Janna took the steam and watched the water ripple as it flowed. “But physical danger was somehow an easy excuse to not let people in. Yes, my profession makes connection a bit difficult at times, but I have had to admit to myself that I’ve kept people at an arm’s length, even as I share myself with them to help them therapeutically. And I think I held people back because I didn’t want them to get attached and have to watch me die in the terrible way that is very likely because of my condition. Not guaranteed, as we’ve established, but I’ve lain on the floor of my office, pinned under my desk and bleeding from my head. I’ve come back to that moment now and again and struggled to convince myself that this was an okay outcome for friends to experience.” She shook her head. “Despite all the tools in my toolkit, some fears are just bigger beasts to tackle than others.” She looked back at Serena. “So I’m letting other help me with them, so they don’t feel so overwhelming, so… necessary. I’m trying to find ways to let them go, little by little.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Stone nodded but stayed silent for a long moment, letting Janna’s words turn over and over in her mind.
Finally, she said, soft but certain, “I know I said ‘fear is the mind killer’… but some fear keeps us safe. Keeps us from doing dumb things.”

“Well, there is that,” Janna said with a throaty chuckle.

She offered Janna a wry smile—a flash of humor that vanished almost as fast as it came.
Then she shifted closer, sliding one strong arm around Janna’s shoulders and pulling her in without hesitation, it’s weight grounding, reassuring. The space between them disappeared in the golden firelight. Close enough that the space between them disappeared.

She drew in a sharp breath, but more out of surprise then anything. But Janna leaned into Serena, letting herself derive comfort from this offering, especailly knowing it was not easily given to her.

“Miss Kingston,” she murmured, voice low and warm, “listen to me. And listen well.” The words could have been a reprimand—but they weren’t. They wrapped around Janna like a thick, heavy blanket, sheltering rather than scolding.

“Any real friends you have would want every moment they could get with you.
Even if…” Stone’s voice caught, but she pushed through it. “…even if a disease was slowly killing you. Even if all they had left were a few more painful, precious moments.
It would still be a chance to say goodbye. To send you to the stars knowing you left surrounded by people who loved you.
People who would’ve traded places with you without a second thought.”

Tears blurred Janna’s vision and she sucked in a breath. Hadn’t her friends on the Hypatia said something similar? But she hadn’t been able to hear it back then. Then, she had been fighting for her life and for her own desire to live that life.

The words dragged old ghosts into the clearing, born of blood and smoke. Stone blinked against the sudden burn in her eyes, but it was no good—tears spilled over before she could stop them, running hot tracks down her cheeks. She could barely see, but she didn’t let go.

Part of her knew she was talking to herself just as much as she was talking to Janna.
Holding people at arm’s length had become second nature—especially in a job where any away mission might end with someone vaporized, spaced, or buried by an empty uniform folded into a flag. Rank, duty, regulations… all of it felt small and stupid in the face of loss.

Janna could feel Serena’s depth of sorrow and the myriad other threads of related emotions. She didn’t have to see her face to know she too was crying.

Stone wiped at her face roughly, huffing out a shaky breath. “Sorry.” It took her a second to find her voice again—steady, but softer now.

“Never be sorry for expressing your emotions, Serena,” Janna said gently.

“Building those connections—holding on even when it’s terrifying—that’s its own kind of bravery. Even if it’s just with a few people. The ones who matter.”

She pulled back just enough to meet Janna’s eyes. “I promise you—your people would want you for as long as they could have you. Pain or no pain. The good outweighs the bad. Always.”

Stone gave a small lopsided, watery smile. “You would be missed, Janna. More than you know. But more than that… you’d matter. You already do. So keep coming back. I could use more friends around here. And I’d be proud to count you among them.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Eyes still shining with tears, Janna smiled despite them and nodded. “And the same goes for you, Serena Stone. Don’t ever doubt that you matter and you have a place here. Some of it will get easier, but the rest is something we all understand and can be there for each other when it hits hard.”

Blowing out a shaky breath, Kingston gazed at the fire, content to stay close to her friend. “It’s easy with Orvos. That wall that exists as a practitioner is hard for me to properly lower when I’m off duty. But he cuts right through it, and I with him, because we can feel each other’s emotions. Hell, under specific circumstances, we can experience each other’s memories,” she said, arching her brows. “At this point we can even share thoughts with each other when we’re in the same place.”

She looked up at Serena. “With others, I can feel their emotions, but I have no context most of the time. I could feel your sorrow, the anger, despair you just felt, but I’m not in your mind. I don’t know what you were thinking about. It creates this weird feeling in me sometimes. I’m not trying to invade anyone’s privacy, but it creates an imbalance and when others just see me as the counsellor, I rarely get to correct that imbalance. So… thank you, for letting me in. It means alot to me and I am so grateful to call you a friend.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Serena nodded. “You’re quite welcome, Janna. And I get it, it’s… You can’t help what you hear. Like picking an old timey radio station. Or several at once. It’s not digging in, it’s just being hit with broadcast.” She stayed put. “The therapist/patient relationship has it’s ethical bounds. And most worry about being judged, or manipulated. Others being ‘in their head’ and seeing all the stuff they don’t want anybody to see.” She screwed her face up a little and shrugged. “That’s normal for a lot of folks. Especially those that didn’t grow up in a telepathic and empathic society. I think a lot of that comes down to self-acceptance. We can have some pretty dark thoughts, feelings, desires. But doesn’t mean that defines us, who we are, or what we do.”

“It has to be a very fine line when it comes to your abilities and your job. A careful dance. That’s got to be tough. ” She gave Janna a warm, almost pleased smile. “But a good one is nothing to be afraid of. And of course, any good friend will practically read your mind anyway, right? And a good friend is also usually part therapist anyway. So The way I see it, there are no downsides to having you as a friend. Except you’ve got a better BS meter. But that’s also good. Keeps me honest, even with myself.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer