Posted by Lieutenant Commander Serena Stone (Executive Officer) in Arboretum 3- A BIt of Honesty

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Arboretum 3- A BIt of Honesty

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Serena Stone (Executive Officer) in Arboretum 3- A BIt of Honesty
Posted by… suppressed (6) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

She was half in tears as she broke into a laugh that spawned a wide smile. “Ahh, well, I can’t see myself being a fully by-the-book kind of captain. And thank you. I’ve been trying to just keep it all together and find my place here. But sometimes… it’s like I can’t tell if it’s me not adapting to the ship, or the crew not getting me. Or maybe a bit of both. But it’s something I’ll be working on with Dr. Kingston.”

Faye looked around the garden and took in a deep breath, wiping stray moisture from her eyes. “I promise I’ll keep you in the loop, especially if my dissociation changes or escalates. Right now though I just have to work through my processes and see how things go. And I’ll keep plugging away at my command training. Boring modules that many of the are,” she said, rolling her eyes.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Serena nodded, letting a small smile flutter across her face. “Good. Honestly, boring is a good thing. Even if I feel like I really come alive when things go to Hell. Maybe it’s the trauma. I don’t know. I just always seem to do best when in a crisis. But boring is good. It means everything is going smoothly.” Giving Faye a nudge with her shoulder once more she dared another smile. “I haven’t looked at your modules yet. Have you been through the Operational Engineering Blocks yet?” Even if Faye wasn’t an engineer, all Bridge officers or those working toward command positions had to go through basic engineering training. Ostensibly to better understand the ins and outs of their ship and the crews jobs. And to be able to assist or lead directly. It also consisted of a lot of Damage Control training.

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Faye gave a lopsided smirk. “Nope, not yet. Honestly? I’m dreading them because I know I’ll be bored to tears. Engineering is not something I’m concerned about. I’ve been inside ship systems since I was a teenager.”

The redhead nodded. “Well if that’s the case than you can probably test out on those modules and fast track that. Might be other stuff you can test out or clear off the schedule and focus fire on where you’re struggling.”

She blew out a breath. “The thing that makes me nervous is the people part. Dealing with crew issues, diplomacy, that sort of thing. It makes me anxious because I know I… well, I don’t always come across very well.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

“How so? You’ve always come across as well-spoken to me. Give me some examples,” Serena said, studying Faye closely, concerned for her shipmate and friend. Friend? Friend, she decided. She passed the Funeral Test. Well, outside of officer duties. It was a pretty good indication if someone was a friend.

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Faye frowned, dropping her gaze. “I… struggle with social nuance and etiquette. I don’t mean to be rude or seem cold, but I don’t pick up on the social cues so many others do. It’s like there are all these rules that everyone, even Vulcans, know, and I just… don’t. I’ve learned some of them, but even knowing the rules doesn’t make it easy to implement. And if I don’t get it right in the first interaction with someone, it colours ever subsequent interaction. Usually in a negative way. I’m improved in lots of ways, but this is why I think at the end of the day a crew might not trust me the way I need them to. It takes time to build a rapport, and most often people don’t give me enough leeway to let it be messy at first.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

The redhead nodded, listening intently. As the intelligence officer continued, Serena tilted her head. It was both inquisitive but also insightful. When Faye seemed to wind down, Serena bit her bottom lip then seemed to steel herself. “Faye,” she said, her tone gentle as a brook. “Have you been screened for Autism Spectrum Disorder?” It was a delicate subject, and by what Faye described and other behaviors, it was a good guess she might be somewhere on that spectrum. But as near as she could gather, Faye hadn’t been tested for it either. “Not to be insensitive, but it seems that it might be something to look into. And if that’s the case, might help with your situation.”

Faye sat up a bit straighter and friend. “No, I haven’t. I… I can’t say I know all the particulars but I’m loosely aware of what it is.” She tilted her head as she gazed out over the garden. “Huh. I suppose it’s work asking Janna about. Add it to the list of things I’m dealign with, right?” she said wryly.

Serena rubbed her hands together and pressed on. “I don’t think it would disqualify you from Command, but knowing whether it’s a factor could help deal with future hurdles. Hopefully, making life a little easier. Knowledge is power after all.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She gaze a slow nod and then Faye sighed and leaned back. “Huh. So maybe I wasn’t just always an angry and impulsive person. I mean, I always felt awkward, but on Tracken everyone just let everyone be and there were only so many kids. I had my one close friend and I was happy to hang out with everyone but I never liked the crowds. Preferred to keep to the outside of things. Honestly, I just assume all my weirdness is the BPD, but I guess it doesn’t explain everything.”

Faye looked at Serena. “Info is good. It’s the one thing I’m good at, though my best friend would remind me that I sometimes fail to seek it out first before drawing conclusions.” She scrunched her face. “You really don’t think this social stuff will be a problem in Command?”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Serena broke out into a gentle, warm laugh. “Oh no, not once you have a first officer that can be a buffer between you and your crew,” she said with a grin. “In truth, you’ll have to make it through being XO first. Well, most likely. Which means you’re the tip of the spear, the bridge between The Old Man. Or Old Woman. Whoever is at the top. … BUT! Social skills are something that can be learned and improved on. Fortunately, one of the strengths of the Federation is that it’s made up of all kinds of people. People that can be as blunt as a bowling ball, and as straight forward as a phaser beam. And others just as slick as greased glass and as round-about and subtle as mist.”

“The trick is finding the balance between adaptation and others adapting to you. Buuuut… You’ve got people to help you out with it. And if you do get diagnosed, it’s easier to ask for accommodations, and to know what accommodations to ask for.”

Faye had grown in the confidence department, at least enough to be honest with people about her struggles. But there were examples lately of where even that hadn’t helped, and where it made her a difficult person to work with. It was easy to just point to what she had dubbed her messed-up neurotic brain and shrug, but it really was true, so where did that leave her?

Thinking about it for a moment, she chewed her lower lip. “Why is it you want Command? Really. Is it an expectation that you should? Like you feel you’re supposed to want it? Or is it .. wanting to chart your own course? Respect and admiration? I bring it up because grasping that and having a powerful reason can help a lot with all of this. Or it might even show there’s a different or better direction to go. Not that I’d try to dissuade you, if you’re set on it.”

“Matter of fact, I could see you running reconnaissance black ops on a Brazen-class. You know, designed for reduced visibility, sitting in a nice little hiding spot. They make great little ambush predator type ships too. Whether it’s hunting criminals and pirates or … helping with the next hostile species that wants to take a swing at us. Small crew you know well, leaning into your intelligence training. Small, scrappy ship. I think that might be perfect for you. If you want it. … Might be perfect for me too.” Another smile broke out then as she looked down the timelines of possible futures, but then it faded with a sigh. That was worlds away right now.

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She mulled the question over in her head, momentarily letting her mind go back to that moment on the Manhattan with Alex. Sucking in a breath, Faye filled her lungs and blew it out. “I have always bene my worst critic, mainly because I had little reason to feel good about myself for a very long time. But when I was an adolescent back on Tracken, my parents’ best friend, T’Lora, saw something in me, in my brain and way of thinking, that convinced her that I could do something pretty amazing. We talked about my applying to places like the Daystrom Institute, and yes, Starfleet, among others, because she felt that a life on that small colony would be wasting my potential. But she never pushed me and let me take my time coming to my own conclusions.

“Fast forward past the massacre, and past me time on Orion, the time on freighters and even past the Academy. Once I earned my uniform, something happened, Serena. I felt like I belonged, even though I had no friends and didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I was too scared of people learning my secrets that I held myself back. I kept myself small. After my time with the Tal Shiar, I was posted to the Manhattan and I became close friends with the CO.” Faye looked at Stone. “Alex is like a brother to me, and like most people who know us better than we sometimes know ourselves, he saw something in me that I couldn’t, that I was too scared to. Just like T’Lora. He saw this vision of me as Captain Calloway, and though I scoffed at it, later after I did a difficult thing to correct a terrible situation that version of myself came to mind. In a moment of anger and frustration I paused and asked myself how Captain Calloway would handle this situation. And then I found a compromise. “

Serena smiled as she listened, and nodded in bright approval. “Good.”

Faye rubbed her hands together. “The captain’s chair represents a few things for me. It’s a promise I made to myself after I escaped Romulan space to live my life as fully as possible. And more recently on the Manhattan I made a conscious choice to stop acting small, to stop being less than I was because it might offend others, or make them… whatever they might about themselves. Because that’s about them, not me. But Alex also made a point back then when he brought up command training. He reminded me that there are those out there that have their own struggles and that seeing someone like me succeeding and earning my captain’s pips could show them what’s possible for them. I want others to learn to believe in themselves the way others have helped me. Because while I did the work to get to this point, I didn’t do it alone. So maybe it’s partly for me, but I also feel strongly about paying it forward. Because I had a terrible time earlier in my career. Maybe one day I’ll have a ship of my own, and I might spot the misfits and unconventional people who are like I was. And maybe they’ll do better sooner because I won’t force them into a box they will never fit into.” She felt so strongly about this that her heart was racing. On the surface it sounded so damned silly, so sentimental, but Faye believed this with every ounce of her being.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

All care for propriety gone, Serena threw an arm around Faye and pulled her into a tight one-armed hug. “I couldn’t be more proud of you, and those reasons,” she said, waiting to feel the other woman stiffen at the contact, letting her decide what was enough. “I can see how powerful that is for you, and I can’t say I disagree. It’s not that different from my own.” Noting her face flushing a little, that self-consciousness clear on Faye’s face. She had a good poker face, but not right then. “I know it probably feels stupid or foolish to put that out there. But it’s not. And thank you for being brave enough to share that with me. Vulnerability is scary sometimes. At the same time, it can be a great asset and powerful tool.”

“It’s something I’ve had to work on in recent years,” Faye said, even more emotional at Serena’s reassurance and support. It was hard to want something so much for reasons that felt too intangible to share with others.

“Trust, candor, honesty, empathy, integrity, character, compassion, humility, and so much more are the tools we use to build bridges, mend fences, and rebuild when things have gone terribly awry. They keep the bonds we share strong, and bring us back from dark places.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She nodded slowly. “Yeah. That’s what I’ve noticed too, especially after coming back from the brink with the Romulans. It was hard to admit then that I didn’t want to keep doing things as I had before, that I was ready to do more and be more. I kept a lot of that to myself, except for my therapist, of course. By the time I got to the Manhattan it was like I was primed for all the changes I went through there. And I really let myself learn from others. That was the thing I wasn’t so good at early on. I could contribute to a team without reproach, but I could not let anyone have any influence on myself as a person. It was too scary, too much like risking my life. Or so I thought.” Faye smiled at Serena. “I’m glad I’ve learned differently, even if life had to beat me over the head really hard a few times with that particular lesson.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Bump

The redhead nodded. “I’m glad too. It sounds like, to me, you were afraid of losing another part of yourself. Or perhaps part of your identity. But we don’t just learn new skills and information. We grow as people by letting go of the things that don’t serve, and take on the things that do. Lest we stagnate. Stagnation is death. Living is moving forward.” Serena nudged Faye with a shoulder again. “And I’m so glad you’re growing, and moving forward. Even if it’s slow, even if it’s baby steps. One foot in front of the other, hour by hour, day by day. Hard as it can feel sometimes.”

Faye couldn’t help the smile that slipped onto her face, especially as Serena nudged her again. It was that simple gesture of camaraderie that Faye did notice and appreciated.

She took a deep breath. “When I first came to the Athena… I felt like a fish out of water. On the Valkyrie I just had my department, my guys, to worry about. Just one section. Here, I’m responsible for a thousand souls. It was terrifying. I didn’t feel prepared or ready. I went from a no-frills, near warship to … What felt like a luxury cruise liner. I expected everyone here to be lax and loose. I felt like I was dealt a crap hand and was coming in on a handicapped ship, even though she was bigger and had more to her I found myself floundering.”

Serena shook her head. “I couldn’t have been more wrong. The Athena is possibly the finest ship in our fleet, with a great crew. My only worry now, is doing the job to the best of my ability. so I know something of what it’s like to feel that trepidation. I also found some really good people along the way.” She grinned. “Maybe a little busted up in some cases, but nobody is perfect, and we all have our damages.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Faye snorted. “It’d be so boring if we were all well adjusted!” She broke into a grin. “Though I’m sure some of my earlier CO’s would have much preferred it if I had been less… unique at times. Though honestly, I made it more difficult than it had to be. You spoke about letting things go. The last few years has been a lot about that. I think that’s why I’m noticing the social thing more. It’s not that it wasn’t hard before, but now I’m no longer content to just blame my BPD and let people assume I’m a cold-hearted btch. Once people get to know me they usually see that it’s quite the opposite, that I feel things too* much. I’ve been working on it, but some balance would be nice to find.”

She turned to face Serena, bending one leg on the bench. “Thank you. Not just for talking to me and being willing to help me wth my command training, but also for actually listening. I’ve missed having someone who wasn’t Dag or my therapist to work through the thoughts in my head with. People don’t quite understand it when I tell them my brain works on multiple tangents at the same time, but it can be overwhelming. But if I speak it aloud I have to slow things down enough to communicate and even just the process of taling it out helps. But also you’ve had some really great advice. So… I just want you to know how much I appreciate that.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Serena gave Faye a warm smile. “It’s my pleasure. I know what it’s like to have your mind running in all different directions at the speed of light. Questions, connections, possibilities, speculations. It can become like a beehive or sandstorm you can barely control if at all. Can make it hard to focus sometimes. Other times, things coalesce in a way that puts you into flow and you’re locked in.” She chewed her bottom lip for a moment. “It’s one of the reasons why I love my job. I can be a neurotic and anxious mess sometimes when things are … quiet. But when there’s blood everywhere and everything is on fire… I’m almost calm. Calm’s not the right word. Focused.”

Faye nodded. “Yes, same.”

“One of the old gunslingers of the American Wild West, Wild Bill Hickock talked about. Being slow in a hurry. Making every shot count. People talk about things happening so fast in combat. Sometimes, for me, things slow down. Sort of. Or it’s more like my clock speed turns up, at least in the most life-threatening moments. Anyway, this led to the old adage ‘slow is smooth, smooth is fast.’ I know other folks in the tactical branch of Operations have talked about similar.”

“Anyway, long way to say I get it. And I’m always happy to help.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She grinned. “I’m glad for that. I think as I go along I’ll need that here and there. And to be honest, I’ve not had many long-term friends. The closest is my former CO, and he’s not just a friend, he’s like a brother, family. I’m still getting used to the fact that I can be a good friend to people, if I try, and if they are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt.”

Faye looked around the arboretum and then back at Serena. “So… that was longer than I think either of us expected but I think that about covers it. You know about my… oddities and I am looking foraward to doing more command training. Let me know when you want to try some of the simulations.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO