Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Arboretum 3- A BIt of Honesty

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Serena Stone (Executive Officer) in Arboretum 3- A BIt of Honesty

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Arboretum 3- A BIt of Honesty
Posted by… suppressed (10) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Serena nodded. “There’s an old Earth saying. It goes something like ‘Aim for the stars. Even if you miss, you’ll land on the moon.’ Meaning that setting your aspirations high is great. Even if you miss, you can still achieve something great and inspirit.” She shrugged one shoulder. “And no, it’s not too judgy. We’re all flawed and imperfect.” She lapsed into silence for a moment. “A long time ago, the Japanese people… When they broke a piece of pottery, they didn’t throw it away.” She glanced back up to Faye. “They put it back together and bonded the pieces with molten gold. They found value, not only in repairing broken things, but turned them into works of art. A thing isn’t always great because it’s perfect. And a thing isn’t always beautiful because it lasts.”

“Kintsugi,” Faye said.

The redhead rubbed her hands together a little in thought. “What we do out here tests our mettle. The knight in shining armor hasn’t been tested. Isn’t proven. Hasn’t seen battle, and war and suffering. Has little experience. I’d rather have the one with dents and dings, scratches, and burns on their armor. They’ve weathered much and are still surviving. Much of what we are is defined by what we’ve survived. You’ve been through a lot. And you’re still here. Difficult as it is. I think that speaks volumes.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She turned a soft smile on Serena. “I agree. As I try to explain to people, I could have walked away from Starfleet many times. And boy was I tempted here and there. But there was always this part of me that wanted to be a part of something. By the time I settled on Starfleet I had been through so much hell that I resented people’s efforts to dissuade me from staying. Now it’s like a game. I know I can handle more than most and so the stuff that gets tossed at me is never worse than wht I toss at myself.”

“What about you? What keeps you in Starfleet?”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

It took a few moments to find the words. “It’s kind of the same. Wanting to be part of something bigger. But it’s more. A lot of things. My dad was a Starfleet officer and engineer. Mom’s a scientist. I remember the stories my dad used to tell about far away places and some of his adventures. But there’s also the Dominion War. I wouldn’t be here without Starfleet. As you can imagine, that left a big impression on me.”

“Helping rebuild my home town after a disaster left me with a sense of community. And then when raiders showed up to take our people …” She shivered. “My dad always told me that if I had the ability to respond, to do something about a situation, I should. You could say it’s the very definition of responsibility. The ability to respond.” Serena picked at a little dirt under a nail for a moment. “I decided that I was tired of the things happening to my home. I didn’t want it happening to other people either. Starfleet seemed like the ideal way to do that. Which took me down the tactical route.” She smiled then. “I guess you could say I was lookin’ for a fight.”

“It’s more like being a sheepdog, though, keeping the wolves at bay,” she clarified. “I always have doubts, but when things go sideways.” She gave Faye a wry, knowing smile. “I’m still here because I love standing in the gap. Protecting others. Chasing the bad guy. Or alternatively, helping people. Usually it’s the worst moment of their lives.”

She sighed. “Maybe that says something about a hero complex. But really it’s more, in those moments I know I’ve done something good. Something useful. The gratitude doesn’t hurt either. But it goes a long way to my self worth, I guess.” She shrugged one shoulder. “It’s so many things bound up all at once. I feel like I’d doing a terrible job of explaining.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Faye shook her head. “No, I get it. We both want our lives, what we’ve been through to mean something, to be more than just the crappy hands we got dealt at any given time.”

She drew in a breath that got stuck and she blew it between her lips, even as her eyes welled. “I was so messed up from Tracken, after watching people get massacred. People I cared about, that I loved. In the aftermath, after the Orions killed my mentor and her husband, and my best friend, and stole my last bit of safety, I shut down. I know now that that was my first bit of dissociation, that is was the beginning of my BPD, but for years after I finally had freedom from Orion, from the man that bought me as a servant, I struggled to find any meaning in any of it. Even now, I don’t see it as honing my purpose, but instead I guess I see it all as honing my own will to survive, to not give in and give up. I lost that battle once, but ever since then I’ve just wanted to be useful, to know that who I am and the skills I have help in someway.” It wasn’t so different than Serena’s answer, really.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Bump

Serena listened quietly, giving a small nod of reassurance. The intel officer had been through some of the worst things imaginable. That she was here was a testament to her resilience, even if she didn’t see it. But there was more to it. The redhead seemed to relax a little more, her head tilting a degree to one side. “I understand wanting to be useful. To know it’s all worth something. Worth the pain, worth the struggles. That’s every day. For both of us.” She gently bumped Faye’s shoulder with her own.

She paused for a long moment gathering her thoughts up. They spun and swirled about in her head, though she remained the calm eye of the storm, waiting for them to fall in to a more ordered fashion. “Faye, you’ve been through so much. Hard times make strong people. Even if you don’t feel like it. You’re resilient enough to still be here. I have every faith that you can make the hard calls. They’ll hurt. And you may always question if you could have done it differently, done it better. It’s a terrible, awful game to play with yourself.” She shook her head. “In the end, all you can really do is know your reasons, know what’s in your heart, and be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did your best, even if it isn’t perfect. That’s the burden of command. Living with yourself. Being able to forgive yourself and not making yourself miserable when you lose people.” When. Not if. I don’t even know if I’ve even gotten close to mastering that myself.

Had she? Had she forgiven herself for her own mistakes? Faye wasn’t sure, but it would be worth some reflection.

“In exchange what we bring are a few things. Experience. Leadership. Stability and order. And last, I’d like to think we bring hope,” she mused. “We don’t get here by accident. Well, most of us. Leadership isn’t defined by rank by the way. As for stability and order, it’s amazing what some people can do in a crisis, the rock they become. Able to handle the most intense of situations. Remaining calm, and going into action. We can have a meltdown when things calm down.” She broke into a grin at that. “Hope for the crew that we’ll handle it. Hope to the people we protect or save.”

Faye nodded. That she understood. All the times she couldn’t protect or save others (or herself) had made Faye almost hyperaware of her own need to do so now.

“Starfleet has always been an exploratory endeavor, as well as becoming a humanitarian and peacekeeping armada. We boldly go into the dark. And sometimes there are monsters in that dark. We shine a light. We protect where we can. Save where we can. If that isn’t hope, I don’t know what is. Whether you’re fighting monsters or helping people, you’re part of that. You might not see it on the day-to-day, hour-by-hour level. But it’s there. Or it will be.”

Another small smile played across her face. “I actually can’t wait to see what kind of Captain you make. I think you’re gonna be a hell of a wildcard. And maybe I’ll get to say ‘I helped turn her into that crazy maverick.’”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She was half in tears as she broke into a laugh that spawned a wide smile. “Ahh, well, I can’t see myself being a fully by-the-book kind of captain. And thank you. I’ve been trying to just keep it all together and find my place here. But sometimes… it’s like I can’t tell if it’s me not adapting to the ship, or the crew not getting me. Or maybe a bit of both. But it’s something I’ll be working on with Dr. Kingston.”

Faye looked around the garden and took in a deep breath, wiping stray moisture from her eyes. “I promise I’ll keep you in the loop, especially if my dissociation changes or escalates. Right now though I just have to work through my processes and see how things go. And I’ll keep plugging away at my command training. Boring modules that many of the are,” she said, rolling her eyes.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Serena nodded, letting a small smile flutter across her face. “Good. Honestly, boring is a good thing. Even if I feel like I really come alive when things go to Hell. Maybe it’s the trauma. I don’t know. I just always seem to do best when in a crisis. But boring is good. It means everything is going smoothly.” Giving Faye a nudge with her shoulder once more she dared another smile. “I haven’t looked at your modules yet. Have you been through the Operational Engineering Blocks yet?” Even if Faye wasn’t an engineer, all Bridge officers or those working toward command positions had to go through basic engineering training. Ostensibly to better understand the ins and outs of their ship and the crews jobs. And to be able to assist or lead directly. It also consisted of a lot of Damage Control training.

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Faye gave a lopsided smirk. “Nope, not yet. Honestly? I’m dreading them because I know I’ll be bored to tears. Engineering is not something I’m concerned about. I’ve been inside ship systems since I was a teenager.”

The redhead nodded. “Well if that’s the case than you can probably test out on those modules and fast track that. Might be other stuff you can test out or clear off the schedule and focus fire on where you’re struggling.”

She blew out a breath. “The thing that makes me nervous is the people part. Dealing with crew issues, diplomacy, that sort of thing. It makes me anxious because I know I… well, I don’t always come across very well.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

“How so? You’ve always come across as well-spoken to me. Give me some examples,” Serena said, studying Faye closely, concerned for her shipmate and friend. Friend? Friend, she decided. She passed the Funeral Test. Well, outside of officer duties. It was a pretty good indication if someone was a friend.

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

Faye frowned, dropping her gaze. “I… struggle with social nuance and etiquette. I don’t mean to be rude or seem cold, but I don’t pick up on the social cues so many others do. It’s like there are all these rules that everyone, even Vulcans, know, and I just… don’t. I’ve learned some of them, but even knowing the rules doesn’t make it easy to implement. And if I don’t get it right in the first interaction with someone, it colours ever subsequent interaction. Usually in a negative way. I’m improved in lots of ways, but this is why I think at the end of the day a crew might not trust me the way I need them to. It takes time to build a rapport, and most often people don’t give me enough leeway to let it be messy at first.”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

The redhead nodded, listening intently. As the intelligence officer continued, Serena tilted her head. It was both inquisitive but also insightful. When Faye seemed to wind down, Serena bit her bottom lip then seemed to steel herself. “Faye,” she said, her tone gentle as a brook. “Have you been screened for Autism Spectrum Disorder?” It was a delicate subject, and by what Faye described and other behaviors, it was a good guess she might be somewhere on that spectrum. But as near as she could gather, Faye hadn’t been tested for it either. “Not to be insensitive, but it seems that it might be something to look into. And if that’s the case, might help with your situation.”

Faye sat up a bit straighter and friend. “No, I haven’t. I… I can’t say I know all the particulars but I’m loosely aware of what it is.” She tilted her head as she gazed out over the garden. “Huh. I suppose it’s work asking Janna about. Add it to the list of things I’m dealign with, right?” she said wryly.

Serena rubbed her hands together and pressed on. “I don’t think it would disqualify you from Command, but knowing whether it’s a factor could help deal with future hurdles. Hopefully, making life a little easier. Knowledge is power after all.”

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer

She gaze a slow nod and then Faye sighed and leaned back. “Huh. So maybe I wasn’t just always an angry and impulsive person. I mean, I always felt awkward, but on Tracken everyone just let everyone be and there were only so many kids. I had my one close friend and I was happy to hang out with everyone but I never liked the crowds. Preferred to keep to the outside of things. Honestly, I just assume all my weirdness is the BPD, but I guess it doesn’t explain everything.”

Faye looked at Serena. “Info is good. It’s the one thing I’m good at, though my best friend would remind me that I sometimes fail to seek it out first before drawing conclusions.” She scrunched her face. “You really don’t think this social stuff will be a problem in Command?”

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Serena broke out into a gentle, warm laugh. “Oh no, not once you have a first officer that can be a buffer between you and your crew,” she said with a grin. “In truth, you’ll have to make it through being XO first. Well, most likely. Which means you’re the tip of the spear, the bridge between The Old Man. Or Old Woman. Whoever is at the top. … BUT! Social skills are something that can be learned and improved on. Fortunately, one of the strengths of the Federation is that it’s made up of all kinds of people. People that can be as blunt as a bowling ball, and as straight forward as a phaser beam. And others just as slick as greased glass and as round-about and subtle as mist.”

“The trick is finding the balance between adaptation and others adapting to you. Buuuut… You’ve got people to help you out with it. And if you do get diagnosed, it’s easier to ask for accommodations, and to know what accommodations to ask for.”

Thinking about it for a moment, she chewed her lower lip. “Why is it you want Command? Really. Is it an expectation that you should? Like you feel you’re supposed to want it? Or is it .. wanting to chart your own course? Respect and admiration? I bring it up because grasping that and having a powerful reason can help a lot with all of this. Or it might even show there’s a different or better direction to go. Not that I’d try to dissuade you, if you’re set on it.”

“Matter of fact, I could see you running reconnaissance black ops on a Brazen-class. You know, designed for reduced visibility, sitting in a nice little hiding spot. They make great little ambush predator type ships too. Whether it’s hunting criminals and pirates or … helping with the next hostile species that wants to take a swing at us. Small crew you know well, leaning into your intelligence training. Small, scrappy ship. I think that might be perfect for you. If you want it. … Might be perfect for me too.” Another smile broke out then as she looked down the timelines of possible futures, but then it faded with a sigh. That was worlds away right now.

Lt. Cmdr. Stone, Executive Officer