Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Business As Usual - Redux

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Serena Stone (Executive Officer) in Business As Usual - Redux

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Business As Usual - Redux
Posted by… suppressed (1) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Serena fixed her with an expression that almost screamed You’re joking, right? She took a sip of her drink allowing her to gather her thoughts. “I’m now directly responsible for about a thousand people, including the civilians aboard. Not just for their nine to five jobs, or making sure things are ‘ok’ at home. But literally making sure that every person is alive, in one piece, that all their needs are met, including personal and professional development. It’s not an afterthought. And yeah, a lot of it is delegated, but at the end of the day, I’m responsible for everything that happens below me in the chain of command.”

“A Captain might have that luxury, as they sit at the top and focus on the big decisions. But the XO? Their whole job is being the tip of the spear, the point of contact between ‘The Old Man’ and the rest of the crew. Seeing to it the Captain’s orders and wishes are carried out. And running the truly important things up the pole to the Captain, but overall, handling all the day-to-day operations. When is there time off? Time for anything else? And it’s not a matter of ‘time management’. Not doing it the way it’s supposed to be done, at a very high and involved level. At least that I’ve ever seen.”

“And yeah, maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I’m not.” She shook her head, a tiny tight little shake. “I really don’t see how they actually do the job at the level it should be and also split their attention to those pursuits. Would it be nice? Sure.” She shook her head again, tiny little shake, lips and jaw tight too. “But it would be damn selfish to be distracted, to … on some level found that I missed something that got people killed. I know people will, and I’ll probably have to send people, crew… people I like and care about into the jaws of death. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about negligence explained away as ‘accidents’ and given a pass with excuses.”

“Do I expect perfection? No. But I expect people to be able to look into the mirror, and swear to their very soul, on whatever they believe in, that they did their absolute best. That their judgement wasn’t clouded. That their attention wasn’t split. That they didn’t miss something because they only had two hours of sleep because their partner or child was sick the night before. That their head wasn’t in the clouds because they finally got that date.” She shook her head. “Not anyone in my position anyway.”

She shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t want more. It’s just a price that I can’t afford and am not willing to pay. Not at the expense of others. Not if I expect to pass The Mirror Test with absolute certainty. I don’t want a doubt in my mind at the end of the day. Do you? Can you live with that doubt?” She paused. “In a word - Duty. Duty above all.”

Stone

Leaning forward, Janna listened intently to Serena’s words, but more than that was the tone of her voice, her body language, the energy radiating from her. There were different ways of taking this, but for the moment, Janna would keep on this path. “Everyone has off days, no matter how good you are at your job, no matter how much you have prepared. So maybe you’re not in a place where you want a romantic relationship or your someone who doesn’t want one. That’s fine. There’s no rule saying you have to. But does that mean you can’t have friends? You can’t enjoy a hobby? I just start pottery just to try something new. Are you telling me that the ship will fall apart or you’ll make a devastating mistake if you sculpt clay for an hour once a week or so? Or enjoy a drink with friends in the Lounge?”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Serena shook her head. “No. But wouldn’t that time be better spent, as far as the ship and crew goes overall, doing something more… useful? Sure, an hour or two here and there probably won’t make much difference. And yeah, we need breaks. There’s only so much focus we can give before we’re wiped out and burnt out. Even for those that have the ability to hyper-focus. Biological systems break down. People break down. Downtime is, of course, necessary. Perhaps mandatory. I just… I suppose always being present and ready is unsustainable. I just don’t … really know any other way of being.” A tired sigh escaped the XO and her head dropped, followed by her shoulders, deflated, and perhaps a little defeated… staring into her empty mug.

“So what do I do?”

Serena

Kingston let those words hang in the air for several long moments before she replied. “I think, deep down, you already know the answer, but you’re afraid of it.”

Janna shifted closer to Serena and reached out, taking the woman’s hand in her own. “You lean on others to help,” she said, giving her hand a squeeze. “And you let us help you find a balance. I understand why you feel compelled to work so hard to avoid mistakes. But we actually force ourselves into a position of burnout when we operate with such high standards that we can’t even pause for a moment. That’s not healthy, Serena, and it won’t make you a good first officer. In the end it could actually make you a liability. But… if you’re willing to let me help and you give it an honest chance, I think you will be able to find a better balance in your life.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Her hand was cold, almost clammy to the touch as she took Janna’s hand limply in numb silence. She could feel her cheeks slowly heating more as she sat there, exposed. At the same time glad it was just the two of them, as terrible as it felt. If she could just sink into the chair and fade away, that would have been great. Not that there was anywhere to go. It seems like every time I come in here, I feel like crap. Serena gave a slow shake of her head and shrank into herself just a little more.

The skin around her eyes tightened and her expression shifted then. Her eyes shifted from side to side, up and down, clearly thinking, assessing maybe followed. Processing. Her mouth screwed around a little as she turned things over. Finally, her gaze shifted up to Janna, filled with questions for a moment before failing away once more and returning inward. Then she shifted her head, tilting to the right, as her body language shifted, she seemed to come back to herself a bit, straightening, but a little more relaxed than she had been before. Some sort of answers found perhaps?

She took a deep breath, steeling and steadying herself, followed by a small nod. For a moment it seemed as though she was about to speak but more processing followed. Then a small smile broke out, tight-lipped but pleased, almost a smirk. As though she’d figured something out, something good, followed by a one-shoulder shrug.

“I suppose at this level, I really am more of a … manager, and liaison between all the other moving parts. Make sure the other seniors have what they need, and make sure the Captain knows all the most relevant information. Make sure that each section chief is on track for their own mission and roles, trusting them to be adults and handle their own duties. Not try to carry everything on my own. I can only be held responsible for my decisions, and doing my best. And as long as I know what that actually looks like, then my conscience is clear.” She shrugged again. “And, well, if the Athena crew is as good as I keep hearing, which I’ve heard that for a decade… Then I need to trust that they’re at the top of their game too. Can’t control everything. Just adapt to the chaos when it comes. And .. I mean I should know that. With as much crap as I’ve been through, and as much chaos and crap I’ve had to adapt to.”

She shook her head and sighed. “I lose sight of it from time to time.”

“Which I do worry about getting closer to the crew. But it ties back in. How do you form any real bonds at this level with anybody? How do you tell who’s just brown-nosing and who’s being real?” She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. As long as I’m being honest and fair. As long as I know my ethics and integrity are intact. I’m not going to promote someone when their evaluations aren’t up to snuff. Or anything like that, just because we’re tight. I want the best option. I just have to consider carefully. And I know you will keep me on track with that.” She flashed Janna a slow, wry smile and a squeeze of her hand. “As long as I’m doin’ it right, then… There’s nothing more to be done.”

Stone