Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Chief Intelligence Officer) in Counselling Suite- CIO’s Appointment

(snip)

Silence permeated the space and for a long while Faye just avoided Kingston’s gaze, who said nothing. It wasn’t the first therapist she had had that had waited her out and in this case it allowed Faye space to figure out what the answer was, if there even was one. “It took everything I had to start over again after the Tal Shiar. I was determined, sure, but…” She shook her head and her eyes drifted off again.

Janna tilted her head and leaned in, searching for Faye’s gaze. She waited till those beautiful pale eyes found her again and she held them with her own. “It hurt, and not just the memories or the physical rehab.” Normally it was a hard and fast rule that a therapist never put words into their patient’s mouth, but this was different. Janna could almost feel the thought, or rather the emotional wake of it and she knew Faye would shut down fast if she was constantly prompting her.She had to help ease the resistance.

Faye jerked back, eyes wide, but she nodded. “Yeah. I was starting once again from a place where I had been split open and everyone had all these expectations of me. I had expectations of me too. It was easy to say, ‘I want to live and not just survive’, but the reality of that was more humbling, surprising, beautiful and painful than I imagined. I made one of the greatest friends I’ll ever have in my life, I reunited with my mom and all the drama that brought, I survived a plot that would have branded me as a traitor and tossed in some dark prison for the rest of my life, but most of all I let love in and actually felt so good about the future that I got married. Me!”

It was just so hard not to smile at the woman, to not reach out and touch her. Kingston knew Faye would allow it but they were just building a rapport and she didn’t want to spook her. “And now? Here?”

Faye inhaled deeply. “Here I have Dag, but…” She shook her head. “I already miss the Manhattan so much it hurts. I’m not exactly a social butterfly, and I don’t know how to go about rebuilding what I had there.”

“Then don’t.”

She frowned and sat back. “I don’t understand,” Faye said.

This time Janna smiled softly. “You had something wonderful that you found on your previous ship. Despite all the hardship and the chaos, you took what you were given and leaned into the possibility of happiness, in whatever form it might take. That is a wonderful, extraordinary thing, Faye. You should be proud of it. And it is special. The Manhattan is special. Cherish it, and all that you built there.”

Faye gave a tiny nod. The words all felt true and intellectually she knew they were, but something still felt off.

She leaned in closer. “It might seem strange, because this transfer is a good thing. You are building a new life with your new life partner, and you have received a promotion. All things to celebrate. But that doesn’t mean you’re sad for what you’ve left behind. What you’re feeling Faye is grief. It just looks different than say when we lose someone we cared about or loved. Grief can come from happy things too.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS & Faye Calloway, CIO

Was it true? Was Faye grieving? Maybe that’s why everything felt too difficult despite her true desire to be here. She sighed and slumped in her seat. “So what then? What do I do?” Did she just keep going as it was all okay, a sort of fake-it-till-you-make-it sort of thing? Faye wasn’t really great at that. Well, perhaps that wasn’t true. She as good as stuffing down her feelings or letting them explode. Middle grounds and her weren’t exactly friends.

~Faye Calloway, CIO

Janna smiled. “You grieve. You acknowledge that you’ve lost something even as you’ve gained other wonderful things. Believe it or not, you can do both at the same time. And with the way your mind wants to work, that is a useful exercise. Consider it a coping strategy like your journalling. When you’re feeling strong emotions, acknowledge what they are, both good and bad. And it might take some time before things start to feel okay here, Faye. Use your support system and your positive coping skills. And I am pretty easy to find as it turns out, especially for a Chief Intelligence Officer.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS