Posted by Lieutenant Shock (Chief of Security) in Meeting the Counsellor for Boarding Psych Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Meeting the Counsellor for Boarding Psych Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Shock (Chief of Security) in Meeting the Counsellor for Boarding Psych Eval
Posted by… suppressed (2) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

Shock sat still, pondering the pinch of wisdom that Kingston had offered. It took him a few seconds – which were perceived longer in Shock’s mind – to answer.

“Forgiveness?” he began, buying himself a few more seconds of thinking time. “How does one forgive one self? I cannot simply decide to, surely?”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Ever patient, Janna had simply waited till he found his words and nodded. “Forgiveness can look like many things, but in this case it might look like a decision to stop punishing ourselves for the mistake we believe we made. By accepting that we are a flawed person, just like anyone else. That we simply did the best we could with the knowledge that we had, and now that we know better, we can do better going forward.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Shock listened carefully to every word Dr Kingston had to say. He paid attention to her prosody, listening in on each and every syllable enunciated. This was important things to consider.

I am a flawed person, he thought to himself, echoing the words within from Kingston’s reply. Just like anyone else. In the episode or relationship between Shock and Tkar, they were both flawed. They had both acted irresponsibly. But Shock had no hard feelings toward Tkar on Tkar’s part in the intimacy – so that would have meant that even today, he would have wanted to further that relationship, he would have wanted it in some way, somehow.

“Dr Kingston,” he said, his voice as monotone as usual, “but that would imply that I would want to move on. I do not think I want to leave it behind me. I think I want to undo what I had done by leaving him, and exploring a relationship with him.”

He paused.

“Forgiving myself, and letting go, moving on – that would mean… I would have to abandon all hope of the past having turned out differently. However illogical – time is more linear than those suppressed emotions will accept – I am unwilling to do so. I do not understand the significance of that.”

He swallowed visibly.

In a tone, somewhat shakier than his usual, and in volume a little quieter, he added, “Can you help me with that?”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Janna smiled very softly and with all the kindness she could muster she said, “No. I can’t.”

“We can’t go back and change what happened. We can only make choices in the here and now. Even if you call T’kar today and he is willing and able to have the sort of relationship you desire, you and he are not the same people you were when you last interacted. That doesn’t preclude the outcome you hope for, but if you aren’t realistic with your expectations then you aren’t being fair to him or yourself.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Shock exhaled. To an observer it might have been interpreted as a sigh, though Shock would not admit that.

“The past is the past,” he said, as if rhetorical, seemingly not addressed to Kingston.

“What does it mean that I don’t want to let go of it, and I regularly revisit the mistake I made as well as the moment of intimacy itself?”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Janna gave herself a moment to really consider her answer and inhaled deeply. “It could mean a lot of things. We’ve only just met so I don’t know you all that well just yet. But if I were to hazard a guess based on my observations and our discussion thus far I would say it’s because that event is a defining moment for you. It means something deeper than you originally thought. Until you figure it out, for better or worse, you won’t be able to move past it. Acceptance is the path forward, but acceptance of what is the question only you can answer. But… that I can help you explore further, if you like.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS