Posted by Lieutenant Shock (Chief of Security) in Meeting the Counsellor for Boarding Psych Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Janna Kingston (Counsellor) in Meeting the Counsellor for Boarding Psych Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Shock (Chief of Security) in Meeting the Counsellor for Boarding Psych Eval

(snip)

Shock was taken aback by “Tkar’s” reaction. It was not Janna’s acting capabilities that he faulted, nor even the accuracy of Tkar’s behaviour. She had never met Tkar, yet, she seemed to act him in an uncanny way, as if she had met him. Transference of some kind, perhaps, Shock thought.

Moreover, “Tkar’s” question was valid, and hearing it expressed made him realize that simply apologizing was not what he needed. This would not give him the closure. But what was it? Shock didn’t know. He needed help.

“Dr Kingston,” he called, sat himself down in front of the counsellor, “might we take a break from the acting? ‘Tkar’s’ question here made me realize that simply apologizing was not my unconscious goal.”

“Of course,” Janna said, relaxing back to her attentive sitting posture as she watched his reaction to their exericise.

He paused, looked around the room. He suddenly felt years younger, as if a child or young adolescent, faking it in the real world while being utterly lost inside.

“I don’t know what I want, but this wasn’t it,” he said, his voice lower in volume than usual, almost whispering.

– Lt Shock (COS)

She offered a small but reassuring smile. “Sometimes when we know we’ve wronged someone, we want absolution. We want someone or something to assuage the guilt. And that is perfectly normal. But the thing about trying to make amends is that we go in thinking we’re trying to do something for someone else, but it’s really ourselves that needs the apology. Sometimes we have to find acceptance in the fact that we don’t always get to make everything better, that maybe we can’t, and we have to be okay living with the knowledge that we are capable of harming someone, especially someone we care about. Sometimes the forgiveness needs to come from ourselves to ourselves.” She left it there, watching and feeling to see what resonated with him and what didn’t.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Shock sat still, pondering the pinch of wisdom that Kingston had offered. It took him a few seconds – which were perceived longer in Shock’s mind – to answer.

“Forgiveness?” he began, buying himself a few more seconds of thinking time. “How does one forgive one self? I cannot simply decide to, surely?”

– Lt Shock (COS)

Ever patient, Janna had simply waited till he found his words and nodded. “Forgiveness can look like many things, but in this case it might look like a decision to stop punishing ourselves for the mistake we believe we made. By accepting that we are a flawed person, just like anyone else. That we simply did the best we could with the knowledge that we had, and now that we know better, we can do better going forward.”

~Janna Kingston, CNS