Posted by Lieutenant Commander Daggum Hammor (Chief Operations Officer) in Holodeck 2- Therapy in Unusual Places Day 2, Part 1

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Daggum Hammor (Chief Operations Officer) in Holodeck 2- Therapy in Unusual Places Day 2, Part 1

Posted by Ensign Viyara Nazeen (Scientist) in Holodeck 2- Therapy in Unusual Places Day 2, Part 1
Posted by… suppressed (11) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“Okay,” Viyara replied, her voice barely audible even to herself. She then was silent again for couple of moments as she thought about Janna’s question. “Not everything, I think,” she replied quietly. “But … almost everything. Especially … especially my emotions. And I … I feel like I … barely manage to control my reactions … my behaviour … everything feels so … visceral and … overwhelming.” As she spoke, one of her nails was digging more and more into her lower leg without her even noticing what she was doing.

~Viyara

Daggum didn’t say a word. He simply set his coffee down, walked to Viyara, slid his fingers under her hand and lifted her hand away from her leg and set it on the arm of the the chair next to her. He patted it once and then went back to his coffee.

Daggum

Viyara’s eyes flickered briefly up towards Daggum, but that was the only reaction she showed. She was aware of what he was doing and why. She was even glad he had moved her hand. At the same time she felt like she wasn’t fully present in this moment or in her own body.

Janna watched Daggum and said nothing until he was done. “This isn’t something we fix. It’ll be a series of steps we take together and as you do the work, and have the support you need in various areas, the rest will come. And it will get better Viyara. I know that because you’ve told me you have something you want to work towards. And the nice thing about tangible goals is that there are smaller steps along that way that can mark you progress towards it. However, I want you to understand that BPD isn’t a Point A to Point B diagnosis. It’s not always going to be straightforward. You’re going to have bad days and sometimes it’ll feel like you’re regressing. But that’s okay.”

Viyara willed herself to listen and to fully take in everything Janna was saying. “Okay,” she nodded slightly, hoping that Janna was right.

She smiled deeply at the young woman who had shown so much bravery through this whole thing. “You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for and I am so very proud of the steps you’ve taken. And that’s why I think it’s the right time for this. Computer…” She waited for the chirp. “Release the Assessment Hold on Ensign Viyara Nazeen under Code Two-Eighty-Three, Authorization Kingston-Gamma-Six-Two Sigma-Eight-Purple.” She paused till she got confirmation. Nothing about their surroundings had changed, but all the restrictions had been lifted. “You’re free to leave whenever you like. You are still off duty and you will need to report to Dr. Grey for your medication today. But it’s been a long couple of days. Do the journalling exercise and get some sleep,” Kingston said, rising to her feet with her notebook in hand.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

Viyara felt every muscles in her body tense and she even stopped breathing for a moment as Janna lifted the protocols and rose to her feet. She knew she should be happy to be able to leave and do pretty much whatever she liked. But instead she felt terrified. And like Janna was abandoning her. None of that made sense to her. The whole time she had felt like she had no control because of the restrictions and more than once she had run away or pushed Janna away. So why wasn’t she happy that Janna trusted that she’d be okay? “I will,” Viyara said softly, looking up at Janna but not really meeting her gaze.

~Viyara

“I’ll see you tomorrow at fourteen-hundred hours for our next appointment. Bring your journal with you and we can go over the exercise.” She inhaled deeply and exhaled quietly. “And before you get too far into your head, perhaps ponder the reasons why I think you don’t need the hold anymore and why we’re going to move forward now, instead of later. Oh, and don’t forget your tension balls. Keep one handy at all times. Replicate a few of them if you need to.”

Her gaze flicked to Daggum and she winked at the Orion before she made her way out of the living room and headed for the cottage’s front door. She wouldn’t break the illusion of the house here. Let Viyara keep it as a respite as long as she needed it.

A click of the door was the only signal that Janna had left the building.

~Janna Kingston, CNS

For what felt like an eternity to her, Viyara remained silent; frozen in place. Till she finally turned her head and looked at Daggum. Her expression was blank, but her heterochromatic eyes seemed to brim over with emotions. “I didn’t see that coming,” she whispered, her voice trembling. She tried to follow Janna’s advice, but it was difficult for her to not get lost in her own mind, in her self-doubt and negative self-talk.

~Viyara

Daggum was leaning against the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, coffee cup in hand. He took a sip and nodded. “I can imagine. I hit a similar point. Suddenly felt like I was in free fall… nothing grounding me because the rules others had me following weren’t there anymore. I felt… very ungrounded. But… that’s also when I learned that frameworks are good thing, as long as they are supportive and not restrictive. And sometimes we need to make those frameworks for ourselves. Schedules, rules, plans… those are things that helped me deal with my anxieties. It helped give a sense of rhythm in a very chaotic time.”

Daggum

Viyara nodded a little as she unfolded her legs and rose to her feet. Pacing around the living room while rubbing her left hand up and down her right forearm, she said, “I know it’s stupid and not what is actually going on, but … I feel abandoned by her. You and Janna … it’s the first time in my life that I have let anybody get this close to me. Usually I bolt before anybody gets that close. One-nightstands and mostly superficial relationships, that’s what I do and know. What I feel comfortable. After all, if I leave first, no one can hurt me by leaving me. And I know Janna isn’t leaving me. That I’ll see her tomorrow. But it feels like she has left me. And you are in love with someone else and I feel like such a fool and so guilty for putting all this on you. I’m sorry…” Her voice trailed off as she felt fear and sadness, but also anger rise more and more within her.

~Viyara

Daggum smiled softly at her and said “You can call her back if you need to, V… maybe that will help. Knowing that she will come if you call. And you haven’t ‘put’ anything on me, doll… you feel the way you feel. Thats okay, V. There is no rule that says you can’t love somebody. Your feelings aren’t the issue. The situation is the issue. And I will be wholly honest… if it wasn’t for the situation we would have had a very different conversation after you told me that.” and he grinned. “So don’t blame your feelings… or you, V. Love is a good thing to have. And I have no doubt that you and I are going to be important to one another regardless of who each of us is involved with… romantically or not. I knew that afternoon in the spa… we’re going to stay connected. Because thats just how it is. We’ll manage our way through this. And we’ll be better together for it, I think. Besides… who else would you call when you try and burn down your quarters?” and he smiled and winked at her.

Daggum

Viyara couldn’t help but laugh at that last comment. Despite of all the other emotions she was feeling right now. It felt like that had been ages ago. Almost as if it had been in another lifetime. When in reality it had only been a few days. But the laughter quickly died and she shook her head. “I can’t call her back,” she replied; her voice and body language a mix of defeat, pain and anger. “She thinks I’ll be okay on my own. So that’s what I’ll be.” A little more softly, she added, “And the past two days can’t have been easy for her either. I know this is part of her job, but I don’t want to burden her anymore than I already have.” Looking Daggum directly in the eyes, she continued, “I also don’t want to burden you with all of this. You have enough going on already. Thank you for being here and for your support. But you don’t have to stay.”

~Viyara

“You can call her back, V.” Daggum said and looked at her intently. “Absolutely you can. And her leaving isnt her saying she expects you to be okay. Its a way of seeing how you will be. And if you are self aware to know that you need a bit more stability, let her know. And you are not a burden, V… you are important. And I know I don’t have to stay. V, I didn’t have to come in the first place. I did, and I’m staying, because you matter to me. And I want you to be better. Not perfect… not good… not okay… just better. And I’ll stand right here until you don’t me to.”

Daggum

“I know I’m allowed to. But I can’t. I-” Viyara shook her head, her jaw and fists clenched. Turning away from Daggum, she walked towards the nearest window and looked outside without really seeing anything. Instead she was fighting with herself to remain calm, to push her emotions down so they wouldn’t roll over her like a tidal wave and knock her of her feet. She couldn’t let that happen or she would drown in her feelings and do or say something she would regret later. As she had done in the past.

~Viyara

Heavy hands landed softly on her shoulders and Daggum, standing behind her, said “It’s okay, V… just breathe for a sec. Its a lot… I know. But it will pass.... I promise. Just give it a bit, okay?”

Daggum

bump

With her head bowed and every muscle in her body still clenched, Viyara took several deep breath trying to relax and lessen the anxiety she felt. Even if only a tiny bit. After several long moments of silence, she finally turned around. Her brows were pulled together and lips were pressed into a narrow line. Shaking her head a little, she looked up at Daggum, her heterochromatic eyes searching his face. Looking for something. What it was she wasn’t even sure of herself. Finally she said softly, “I want her to come back. But I feel it would be wrong to ask. I know you said I can, but it’s how I feel. And I am afraid she will say no and I’ll feel even more alone, more abandoned, more anxious than I already do. That’s why I can’t call her and ask.” With a soft sigh and another slight shake of her head, she dropped her gaze before moving slowly away from Daggum. She felt torn between needing some space and wanting him to follow her. Torn between hoping that he would contact Janna and that he wouldn’t. Torn between staying on the holodeck and leaving to see Dr. Grey and then return to her quarters. Nothing felt right. As if - no matter what she decided to do - it would be the wrong choice. Again.

~Viyara