Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Counsellor’s Office- Calloway’s Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Commander Zef Rollo (Counselor) in Counsellor’s Office- Calloway’s Eval

Posted by Lieutenant Faye Calloway (Mission Specialist) in Counsellor’s Office- Calloway’s Eval

(snip)

Well that was a slightly different sort of question and one that required more deep thought. When at last she answered, a frown had settled over Calloway’s face. “There are classified parts of my file… but not to you. That’s the whole deal with me being here. I get to go do my work but since I need certain support, I made sure that some of the binds on me don’t extend to everyone. Or at least not all of them,” she said, knowing she was rambling.

Setting her coffee down, Faye braced her elbows on her knees and rested her chin on laced fingers. “The issues are thusly: I am here under classified orders that I understand but are awkward and are making it hard to truly settle in on the ship. And two, I still have the occasional memory dump from the Tal Shiar’s little experiment, which makes me rather anxious for awhile after. And probably the bigger one… things are going surprisingly well here and that makes me doubt it’s going to last. I don’t, can’t trust it. I’m even making friends and they seem to accept my… eccentricities with ease and even that seems doubt-inducing. Why now? Why is it so easy for them but before it was so hard for others? Was it just me? Was I that messed up? Or did my time as a prisoner make it… different now?” She shrugged. She was self-aware to a degree, but even that had its limits.

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist

The counselor listened attentively. “A reason others are accepting of you now could be as simple as the fact that you are more comfortable with yourself. You’ve had more time to understand what happened to you and what the results of those experiences are. Although you can’t predict when one of the ‘dumps’ is going to happen, you do know that you will survive it, so people might not pick up on the anxiety you once had about it.”

Faye nodded. It made sense. And she could control that aspect of the nonsense better than before so it wasn’t as big a deal as it had been during her recovery period.

Zef sipped her coffee and then continued. “Being under classified orders does make dealing with day to day life a little more closely guarded, but its certainly doable. Many deal with that situation every day. At least the people who really need to know what you’re dealing with, have the opportunity to learn about it. It also gives you a couple of people that you can talk to openly without editing certain aspects of your life.”

A grand total of two people, but one of those people had become extraordinarily important to Faye’s life lately, even as she understood that it complicated things.

“The last thing…trusting that this posting will work out and last a substantial bit of time—why are you afraid to put any faith in that?”

—Rollo, CNS

Faye looked up suddenly and gazed at Rollo. The answer was so simple that it seemed obvious to Faye, but perhaps it wasn’t to others? “Because… it never lasts.” She shrugged. She couldn’t think of one good thing in her life that had actually lasted. “I guess I’m coming to accept that I’m not a person who get to have a lot of happiness.”

~Faye Calloway, Data Specialist

“That’s an awful way to look at life, Lt.” Rollo had heard variations of the idea from other individuals but it always surprised her. Life, in general, offered so many opportunities and possibilities to most living beings, that it was almost beyond her understanding how one could not appreciate it for the wonder it was. “I understand going through low points where it seems the universe is focused on stealing your happiness, but those instances are temporary. Life always gets better and returns to a more positive flow. Saying you are not a person who gets to have a lot of happiness might be the very thing that is keeping you from having it.”

—Rollo, CNS