Posted by Ensign Kaia (Engineering Officer) in Self-Care (TAG Kaia)

Posted by Civilian Sair Songz (Counselor) in Self-Care (TAG Kaia)

Posted by Ensign Kaia (Engineering Officer) in Self-Care (TAG Kaia)
Posted by… suppressed (12) by the Post Ghost! 👻

(snip)

“Honestly, I didn’t want to leave in the first place. Not truly. But my performance as an Engineer was suffering from my mental state due to how unused to being away from others with Basda’s. It is very different to be living in a situation where I cannot share my emotions empathically with those around me, and vice versa. I didn’t know how to handle it. I’ve had some training and counselling on Oba, and as soon as my trainer said it was safe for me to come back to Starfleet - and Manhattan specifically - I applied for a resumption of my commission. I have a limited number of years to be out here exploring the universe and meeting people I’ve never met before. I don’t want to miss a second more than I have to.”

While she spoke, Kaia’s eyes seemed to sparkle with eagerness, her tail-tip twitching as the rumbling purr under her words got stronger, her joy at being back expressing itself in her body language.

Kaia, Engineer

“I know what you mean,” Sair said softly in a rare unguarded moment where her eyes conveyed true understanding. While her lifespan was longer than Kaia’s, it was still dramatically shorter than most humanoids with the same level of technology.

“Now that you are here and determined to make the most of it, what sorts of things do you dream of doing?”

~Sair Songz, CNS

Kaia scratched her chin, thoughtful. “I’m uncertain. My ambition as a child was always to get out there into the galaxy. To show people that even a little moon like Oba can produce…” she faltered for a moment, uncertain how to word it. “Even if I was born and raised on Oba, that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of earning my way to Starfleet. Even a little Raka from a middle-of-nowhere colony world can rise to greatness. And I did it. I got into Starfleet Academy. I earned my post as an officer. They gave me this arm,” she briefly lifted her artificial hand, then gestured widely to indicate the ship as she continued, “and this post and it was all I ever wanted. And… I’m not sure I’ve figured out where I go after achieving the greatest thing I could have dreamed of.”

She paused for several moments, then in a small voice added. “Is that okay? I’ve reached my stars… do I need to find a further star to reach for, or is it okay to settle for the ones I’ve got?”

Kaia, Engineer

Sair gave a soft smile. “People make the assumption that dreams must be grand or life changing. Is it okay that you have done the thing you set out to do and are happy with that? Absolutely. Being content with where you are at is a wonderful thing. But that doesn’t mean still grow as a person, Kaia. What it does mean is that those changes for you might looks smaller or different than the ones others are striving for.” She should know, since her life was a lot about those small changes that added up. “And it’s also okay to not have a direction and just take the next right step for you.”

~Sair Songz, CNS

“I think right now it’s just a case of wandering from one moment to the next without a particular direction. Taking a stroll through life until I find something I want to chase after again. Maybe when I reach the age of the Second Change I’ll decide I want to have kits and go through with it. Or maybe not. I most likely won’t, I’ve never been particularly interested in that sort of thing,” she shrugged, smiling a little. “I think a good goal to have for now is to get to know my fellow officers and try to make a few friends?”

Kaia, Engineer

She nodded. “It’s a perfectly reasonable goal. Feeling connected to a place and the people around us can help give us a sense of purpose when it otherwise might not be so obvious. In what ways can you connect with others?” Sair asked.

~Sair Songz, CNS

Kaia thought about the question for a few moments, quiet as she was lost in thought. “I suppose the first step is to be around other people? Then, try to find things worth talking about? Maybe I can help someone with an engineering problem,” she suggested with a smile.

Kaia, Eng

Sair nodded. “Are there particular ways you can find yourself around people more that might interest you?” Sometimes these things sounded simple on the surface, but in her experience people could get stuck executing the basic steps because of the emotions involved. It was never as straight-forward as it might seem.

~Sair Songz, CNS

“I’ve mostly just been stumbling onto people. Ah, what I mean is that most of the friendships I’ve made have been by an accidental encounter, followed by intentional encounters. Mostly because I spend a lot of time in the walls and people hear me scrambling around in there and freak out, so I have to open up a wall panel to assure them I’m not some kind of wall monster.”

Kaia, talking like this is normal behaviour.

Sair eyed the diminutive engineer and yes, could imagine that people might get startled if they didn’t know it was her. “Has that way of meeting people been working for you?”

~Sair Songz, CNS

“Yeah!” Kaia grinned widely for a moment, then her face fell, thoughtful. “They just tend to leave the Manhattan at some point and we lose touch. And obviously I left for a while and now I’m back and I have to start over with the friend-making. I’ve met Sovrk though since I came back. He’s a new friend! I think? Vulcans are… confusing. It’s easier now that I’ve had some actual training in reading humanoid body language and facial expressions, but it’s still hard to tell y’all’s emotions sometimes.”

Kaia, Eng

Sair couldn’t help but smile. “Yes, especially for some species, a measure of stoicism is considered appropriate. Many Vulcans are at the far end of the spectrum of emotional expressiveness and there are many that a effusive as a whole. Then there’s mine that is somewhere in the middle, but you’ll find me in particular rather more expressive with strangers than many Kobliads you’ll meet. I’m glad you are making friends and if your unique way of doing so is working then I say keep it up. And maybe as you spend more time with others, you’ll find your place here again. Perhaps that will give you a better sense of purpose here on the ship.”

“Is there anything else you want to discuss while we’re here?”

~Sair Songz, CNS

“For sure. I really hope I can find that purpose. I think it’s just a matter of time before I feel more connected here. Just need to make those slow friendships and let them build over time.”

“Hmm, I don’t think there’s anything else I’d like to discuss. I wasn’t exactly expecting this conversation!” Kaia let out a small laugh, then shrugged. “If I do need to talk to you about something (professionally), I’ll be sure to make an appointment.”

Kaia, Eng

“Good,” Sair said. “I know it’s not exactly fun, but the yearly eval is mandatory. I hope that you found the conversation at least pleasant enough that it won’t be hard to come back next time.” It was hard for Sair to build a rapport with people if they avoided her, though she was well used to it at this point.

“Have a good rest of your day, Kaia.”

~Sair Songz, CNS

“It would have been nice to get a comm or a message instead of being led here, I’m not the sort to avoid the Evals intentionally,” Kaia said, giving a little shake of her head, then smiled at Sair and approached the door. “I really am sorry that I forgot to come in when I returned.”

Kaia, Eng

Sair believed her, but given the sheer number of people who failed to show up at her office, Sair wasn’t sure what else to do. She had expressed her frustrations to the XO and things happened as they did. There was clearly something off about it all, but she was glad to know that Kaia had perhaps been an exception. Sair offered her a smile. “It’s alright. And I will know now that a simple reminder will do in this case.”

~Sair Songz, CNS