Posted by Civilian Sair Songz (Counselor) in Songz’s Office - The Psychology of a Wandering Mind

Posted by Lieutenant Junior Grade Namid Argimeau (Scientific Intelligence Officer) in Songz’s Office - The Psychology of a Wandering Mind

Posted by Civilian Sair Songz (Counselor) in Songz’s Office - The Psychology of a Wandering Mind

(snip)

It was at this sort of juncture that a therapist revealed the kind of worker they were, and what their beliefs were. Do you allow your own personal experiences to add to the discussion? Do you maintain a (sometimes necessary) facade so that you don’t impact how the session flows? Sair was the kind of person who believed in connection, so for her it was easy to reply, “Yeah, I do. I used to work emergency medicine back home. A lot of the people who came in were end of life and moved to palliative care. But the moment they arrived at the hospital, they needed reassurance and compassion. But giving that out dozens of times a week in that way, knowing that that patient was never leaving the hospital, well, you have to protect yourself from it. So I know that kind of shell well. My question to you then would be, what do you think you are protecting yourself from by creating and maintaining that shell?” she asked, bracing her arm on the arm of the chair and leaning towards that side, relaxing.

~Sair Songz, CNS

Namid wavered, eyebrows entangled in an attentive but hesitant frown. Experience conditioned them to a kind of detached neutrality from mental health specialists, leaving them startled by Sair’s openness. They pursed their lips, but comfort soon tempered their surprise. Namid thrived when they felt connected to their colleagues and peers. It offered a sense of security amid the unknowns typical of their vocation. But recent years imbued a fear of vulnerability within them. They happily listened to others but offered only shallow tidbits in return. “I can imagine how conflicting that must have been,” their expression softened, “to balance your empathy and need to protect your heart.”

Averting their gaze, Namid stared rather introspectively at a spot on the wall. “I… disharmony?” They slowly strung their words together. “I want to connect with people, but I’m often afraid of ruining it before we even get to the ‘kinda trust’ phase. Will I come off too strong? Or put my foot in my mouth?” A soft chuckle escaped them. “Weirdly, I also dread what could come of that connection. Will I disappoint them? Hurt them? I know it’s sometimes inevitable, but it disturbs me. Especially considering these assignments are designed to be temporary. So, part of me thinks it’s better not to get attached.” They squeezed their eyes shut. “That sounds unhealthy when I say it out loud.”

— Namid Argimeau, Scientific Intel

Sair smiled, even though Namid wasn’t currently looking at her. Sometimes it really was nice when patients come to conclusions before she needed to. “I would agree that perhaps there are better ways of handling things, but being self-aware is actually to your benefit here. What if you were to approach this like a scientist. What evidence have you been given on this ship so far that building connection with others would be detrimental to you?”

~Sair Songz, CNS

Namid pursed their lips in consideration of their past interactions. Did they have any evidence? They engaged in short-lived conversations with folks in turbolifts and corridors, but they often consisted of ritual ‘how are you’s and the painful-silence-crushing ‘did you hear what [x] discovered?’ Namid appreciated the delight of a new discovery and abhorred the awkwardness of a disinterested eyebrow raise, but neither were considerable enough to constitute evidence. They were trite and fleeting… like anyone else’s passing exchanges.

Namid tapped their thumbs in search of something to substantiate their anxiety. There was their unofficial lab partner, Esrasa, whose camaraderie they discovered through a mutual love of ancient soap operas and Deinococcus radiodurans. Sure, he was a tad loquacious at times, but he never once made them feel unwelcome or unappreciated. And that seemed better evidence for building connections than against them. That was becoming a recurring theme.

The only sliver of evidence Namid possessed, really, was their budding friendship with Kiama. She ignited a warmth and levity within them that they hadn’t felt since Rajya… and it terrified them. Namid wanted to take the leap and open themself to the possibilities of their friendship, but the notion of loss loomed over them, impossible to dismiss. Rajya was their best friend and her death ached like a wound six years fresh. She was a civilian, Kiama was a Starfleet officer. There were far too many avenues for Namid to lose her, some they were sure they hadn’t yet thought of. Namid knew that wasn’t fair. They knew, logically, that their experience with Rajya had no bearing on their experience with others. But somehow keeping their distance seemed easier than risking the one-in-a-million chance that something would happen to another person they loved. Even if accidents were in their nature… the fatal and self-blundering alike.

“None,” Namid resigned. “I’ve had mostly positive interactions aboard the Manhattan. My lab partner has a great sense of humour and passersby seem friendly enough. Frankly, the only ‘evidence’ I have is my relationship with Ki—Lt. Naim. I feel warm and free to be myself around her and that’s something I haven’t really experienced since I lost my partner, Rajya. I’m afraid to push her away… and lose her, too. But my reservations have nothing to do with Naim or Manhattan and everything to do with me. I’ve had a handful of rocky and fleeting relationships that ended in abrupt or unusual ways. That isn’t anyone’s fault here except, maybe, my own.” They halted to consider their words before they descended into a ramble. “When I think about it… most of my evidence favours building connections.”

— Namid Argimeau, Scientific Intel