Posted by Lieutenant Commander Faye Calloway (Counter-Intelligence Officer) in Calloway’s Quarters- Sins of the Mother

(snip)

And more silence. This time Faye needed to gather her words properly. “I am going to ask a question and I need a truly honest answer or else we won’t be able to get past this one bit.” Shara nodded, if slowly. Faye inhaled visibly. “When you went on that last Maquis mission, when you left us to help them, I asked, no, begged you to stay. I couldn’t explain my intuition then, but something told me that if you left, that was it, we’d never see you again. And I begged you to stay. But you left anyway. It was more than just duty, that much I’ve always known, but, why did you leave?”

It was like Faye had slapped her. The surprise was plain on her face as she gazed back at Faye. Thoughts moved through her mother’s mind and though Faye knew not what they were, she did know the question, that foretold an inevitable conversation, had struck deeply. Another Faye, some time in the past, might have been gleeful at the accuracy blow. Words could sometimes strike more true and do more damage than any weapon. But this Faye, the one that had clung to life with the last threads of her sanity, the one who had discovered that truly living also meant loving people with her whole heart, well, she took no pleasure in her mother’s obvious pain. It only further saddened her.

Gaze downward, the elder Calloway sought her words. And Faye waited patiently. =/\=Because I’m not as courageous as you, Faye. Because I lacked the ability to be in one place for too long. Because things were happening then that made me want to flee and it had nothing to do with you or your father. He understood, your father. He always had. It was his gift and the reason I trusted him those first days when we had met on Arkelis.” Shara looked up. =/\=Having Gavin write us off so callously… it hurt too much. It meant that for better or worse, Midos was lost to me. But so was Tracken. It was never the home for me that it was for you and Edward.=/\= Tears slipped over her cheeks, carving paths of sorrow. =/\=I wanted it to be, but I was restless there, like I knew it wasn’t permanent. I can’t explain it more than that. I just had to be… anywhere else.=/\=

Was it enough? Was that answer all there was to it? Faye wasn’t sure.

[To be continued…]

OOC: If you’re curious about Shara’s side of things: https://www.star-fleet.com/core/stf1/asimov/posts/160766/

~Faye & Shara Calloway

Faye inhaled slowly, gathering her thoughts. If there was a time where Faye needed to be acutely aware of her words and how they might be taken, it was now. She wasn’t trying to hurt Shara here. The point was to heal something that was broken between them. But Faye was rarely delicate. Bull in a china shop and all that. But that didn’t stop her from wanting to do right by the woman before her. She slowly blew out a breath between her lips. “It wasn’t about Tracken, though. It was about us. You, me, Dad. I get not feeling connected to a place. But did that mean we weren’t enough, or was it something else? Because a part of me wants to call bullshit. There’s something else. Something you’re not telling me.” She wasn’t sure how else to phrase it.

=/\=I’m not sure what else you want me to say=/\=” Shara said.

More frowning on her end. “I want you to be real with me for once in your life. I don’t want snippets of Shara. Stop hiding from me!” Where the explosion of emotion came from, Faye wasn’t sure, but it was real, that much she knew.

Confusion washed across Shara’s features, and yes, a bit of pain too. =/\=What do you mean hiding from you? When did I do that?=/\=

Wow, she really didn’t see it, did she? Faye took a calming breath. Raising her voice wouldn’t help here. “All. The. Time. Growing up I was never quite sure who you were. You were always so guarded and while you would answer some questions, I always knew it wasn’t the whole story. But you never let me in. Maybe you would have eventually, but we’ll never know that, right? Because you chose to leave. You left us,” Faye said, dropping to a whisper.

Long moments passed before Shara nodded slowly. =/\=I did. And I wish I knew what could make it better for you, but I can’t deny it. I did leave. I claimed duty, the Fight, everything else.=/\= Shara visibly swallowed. =/\=There’s no excuse, certainly no good reason. And yes, that is in hindsight and we can’t change anything that happened, Faye. You know that as well as I do. But I won’t be responsible for all their deaths. It’s not my fault. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but surviving wasn’t one of them,=/\= she said firmly.

It was Faye’s turn to be taken aback and her eyes widened. “No! That’s not what I meant!” It wasn’t. She didn’t blame her mother for living. Maybe a few years ago she wouldn’t have been certain of that, but she was now. Closing her eyes, she could feel the tears there. When she opened them, her mother was blurred but she kept going. “I begged him not to go too. But he was so goddamned ready to walk into death that it wasn’t until recently when I could finally talk about the aftermath and Kodell and everything that I realized that I think, and I can’t be sure, that he died of a broken heart first. He couldn’t live without you. He left Cam and I with T’Lora and Jaris and was okay with that. I was fifteen. I could manage on my own with their help. He’s dead, so we can’t ask him, but I suspect something like that went through his head. I think he wanted it to all be over, because it wasn’t worth anything without you. He couldn’t bear to live if you weren’t living life with him.”

They were both stunned into silence, Shara crying silent tears, Faye’s only a subtle sob, but neither could say anything just now. It was a strange thing when you came face to face with the real, deep truth. It is so powerful that it cannot be denied and those who hear it, see it, face it, have no choice but to concede that it was indeed the truth. Shara was sure that at least some of what Faye just said was the truth. Maybe not all of it, but it made sense. Ed’s sacrifice allowed Faye to live, but she thought of that terrible promise he made her promise: to never tell anyone about the Maquis and who she was. An act of compassion on the surface, meant to protect her, but for Faye and the BPD that all that trauma would trigger, it was terrible sentence that imprisoned her in the past with no escape. Even later when she carved her own path, she remained in secrecy. Just like Shara. They had inadvertently repeated the same mistakes .

=/\=Oh Faye, I’m so sorry. For you, for him, for us. You deserved a better end to your childhood than that. I’m so sorry I abandoned you to that terrible fate and if I could go back and change anything I would change what happened after the Dominion came. But I can’t and you paid a price for our actions. We couldn’t have known, but…=/\= Shara blew out a breath. =/\=But do you believe that your father and I have always loved you deeply, despite our mistakes?=/\=

Faye nodded. “Of course! I’ve never doubted that. I had an amazing childhood. I had experiences few other Starfleet officers get to have, and for that I’m grateful. Tracken was home, but I think for us, home is people. So long as we had people, we were okay. “

Shara smiled, even if it was small. =/\=Yes. And… maybe I did hide myself. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the past lately, since Nadine showed up in my life. Analyzed every decision I’ve ever made, but do you know what I’ve concluded?=/\=

Faye shook her head.

=/\=Baby Girl, I wouldn’t actually change any of it, because if I had, I might not have been here to see you transform into this strong and courageous woman, who is full of passion and love and dedication. My girl, you are one of the most loyal people and you care so much about people that sometimes it hurts. And it hurts you. But it is one of your greatest strengths. And couple that with that incredible mind of yours? Pfft! All should beware, because you are unstoppable. I can’t change how I was before so all I can do is promise you that from this day forward you get to see me. I’m just starting to get to know her again too, so if you’re patient, you get join me on that journey. If you’re up for it?=/\=

Faye nodded through blurred eyes. “Of course. I’m glad to be. Though I still get to tease you about your terrible cooking.”

Shara burst out laughing. =/\=It’s a deal. And Faye?=/\=

Something in her mother’s tone made her lean in. “Yeah?”

Something shifted in Shara’s gaze. Something deep, unnameable. =/\=I know I’m just learning to make promises again, and neither of us is guaranteed much in this life. But if you’re ever feeling doubt about my intentions, just remember that we’re both here right now because I tried my best when it mattered most, when we both had come close to giving up hope. I can’t promise much more than that, but I hope it can be enough. =/\=

A twist in her stomach reminded Faye that she needed to breathe and she inhaled slowly, letting it expand her torso and then gently blew it out. She nodded. “It’s more than enough,” she said softly. And she meant it.

=/\=Are we good, Baby Girl?=/\=

Was that hopefulness she heard in her mother’s voice? Faye thought so. She nodded. “We are. I’m sorry if I was… too much. I wasn’t out to hurt you. I just…” Faye sighed.

Shara leaned in, her face filling more of the screen. =/\=Hey. You listen here and you listen good,=/\= she said, her voice taking on the air of the experienced officer she was. =/\=You are never too much. Yes, pointing out my errors is hard, and it hurts, not gonna lie. But if I didn’t love you so much and think it was worth a little self-reflection, I wouldn’t have had this conversation. I value your input and presence Faye. I love and cherish getting to watch your mind at work and I am so damn proud of you. I always was. I’m sorry it took us both enduring so much pain for me to be able to to tell you now how much I admire you. How grateful I am you inherited something good from me and not just a whole lot of baggage. But let me also tell you this, my dear girl… you did three lifetimes worth of growth in the span of two weeks. It’s a lot, for anyone. But for you, and what you have survived, it is nothing short of breathtaking. Give yourself a break. And be proud of yourself like I am of you. Because it’s a lot, and you deserve it.=/\=

Faye had gotten misty eyed again and wiped her right eye with the side of her hand. Tess had been opening an eye now and again but had become more accustomed to Faye’s fluctuating moods and so this time it didn’t scream ‘be alert’. She went back to napping on the desk as her person sought words again. “Geez, mom, leave something for your wedding speech why don’t you?”

Shara barked a loud laugh again and shook her head. =/\=Ahhh, Faye, never stop surprising me. It keeps me young. I’ve got to go, but we’ll talk more later.=/\=

Faye nodded. “And you’re going to call Gavin right? I mean, please tell me you’ll hash things out before you all arrive. No fisticuffs at my wedding. That’s how good cakes get ruined.”

With a rueful look followed by a smirk, Shara managed to not laugh again. =/\=No promises, but I’ll try. Well, I can promise it won’t be me be punching anyone. This time. I’d pinky swear but you know, logistics.=/\=

“That’s Dag’s job, remember? I swear if you were serious, he’d find a way.”

=/\=He’s a keeper for sure. Bye Faye. Keep me in the loop, and… I can’t wait to see you get married. To start this new chapter.=/\=

“Me too,” Faye agreed. “Bye Mom.”

The call ended and Faye sat back in her seat, tilting her face up towards the ceiling. Her mom’s phrasing of new chapters felt right somehow. She was finishing this chapter so that she could open a new one with Dag on the Athena. But this conversation was a product of an old chapter that had never been closed properly, and thus it had insinuated itself into all the subsequent chapters. Well, it was time for it to be done. They both needed it to be done. She hoped she hadn’t opened old wounds for her mother, but if she believed Shara, then it was okay. Necessary even. And for the first time in many, many years, Faye truly wanted to believe her mom.

And so she did.

~Faye & Shara Calloway